O'dourves- yay or nay?

We married for health reasons. I was very sick in and out of the hospital and he did not have spousal rights at the hospital. We never wanted that to happen again, so we wed. We don't feel married in our hearts because we never exchanged vows.

You can’t have babies because you haven’t formally exchanged vows in front of your families? Ehm. How old are you? What was the point of eloping just to hide it?

Did you file a marriage license?

I have serious health issues, yet for FH have rights to make decisions I can get a lawyer draft a medical power of attorney.(he’s in BC right now, so we both decided we’d wait till he’s here permanently)..he’s listed as my emergency contact and can call my doctors to get any info needed. We wouldn’t need to be married for him to be able to make decisions in the event I’m unable to as long as I have a living will signifying he’s to make all medical decisions. My dad is my current PoA, because he’s the closest geographically to me, once FH moves here permanently, the papers will be amended to have him listed as POA.

ETA: further clarification and app keeps crashing.

I fucking love when there is a plot twist on these rather mundane posts. Did you add each other to your insurance? Do you plan to file taxes as a married couple? It’s not what you feel in your hearts but what you report to government agencies that matter. If you are acting like a married couple in the legal sense then emotionally you are married too.

Tangent: "o'dourve" [sic] reminds me of "O'Douls."

Now, back to our regularly scheduled thread.

Even if he's PoA, it still doesn't allow him hospital room access. It only allows him to make decisions. However, when I was in Denver they let him in my room no problem, but in Missouri, nope.

Lilchameleon that's bullshit. Federal regulations passed in 2010 made it mandatory that any hospital that accepts Medicare or Medicaid patients (so pretty much all hospitals) give patients the right to decide who is and who isn't allowed in their room.

ETA: the patient rights are not restricted to Medicare and Medicaid patients. It covers all patients.

All we’ve ever had to say is “he’s my fiancé”... we’ve never had an issue.

As far as I know, hospitals can’t tell you who is and isn’t allowed in your room. I’ve never had to explain who FH was or show proof of a relationship. He’s been allowed in every hospital room, and doctors office with me. Hell my doctors talk to him, and let him know my treatment plans so we’re all on the same page.

He was not my fiancé at the time. We were never formally engaged. We had talked about it, but after the hospital fiasco and him sleeping in a waiting room chair for 3 days we went ahead and married.

Nor was he mine at some points...still all I mentioned was he’s my SO, they never said a word..When I rushed him to the hospital in January, they never asked if we were married. They brought me right back with him. His doctors addressed me, just as they addresses him. They discussed his care while I was In the room. They never once asked me if I was his wife.

Did you get and file a marriage license?

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/gay-visitation-rule-law-2/

https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/hospital-visitation-decision-making-rights-for-more-americans

https://www.aarp.org/politics-society/rights/info-04-2010/hospital_visitation_rights_helps_older_couples.html

I won't even go into the "already married" thing since pretty much everyone who has read one of my posts knows I have zero problem with that, and neither do 99% of the universe except for six people here who seem to think they need to prove the wedding day was the legal wedding day. And the mother here whose daughter lying about being married was really, honestly, the tip of the disrespect iceberg.

Being aleady married or not has nothing to do with the other issues; the food, the lack of money, the 'planning a big unnecessary party without enough money" issue.

Honestly, this is a discretionary party that you cannot really afford, by the sounds of things. I'd be cancelling it now. I doubt that any vendor you're working with would refuse to refund you at least some of your payments when they have a year and a half to rebook.

Yes, you need them

We had no issues with him just being my boyfriend and being in the room when I was in the hospital in Denver, but in STL they refused to let him see me because he wasn't immediate family. So I spent 3 days in the hospital alone. It was super upsetting, and we never wanted to be in that situation again.

On an irrelevant note, I just purchased a home, I bought my car out right, and no credit card debt, so I feel like I'm in a fine place to do what I am doing. Most people I'm acquainted with do not have a large savings built up yet. I've always felt like a $14k cushion is sufficient. I'm sure other people have other opinions on it, but growing up in a home where my single mother lived paycheck to paycheck, I feel pretty darn good about my financial habits.

I've spent one week last year, and one week this year completely alone in the hospital.... You should have said he's your SO. The hospital can't tell you who's allowed or who's your immediate family. It's literally against the law. Anywho, what is the reason for not telling family of the marriage?

Also, once again, did you obtain and file a marriage certificate?

No one is saying you're not. We're just saying it's odd that you're funding a wedding where 80% of the guests are his family.. perhaps I just view it as unequal. I couldn't plan a wedding, solely on my income. I'd prefer both of us to be working and have stable income before spending that kind of money.

Definitely you need food. This isn't even a question. The cocktail hours is food and drink

Yes

@lilchameleon

You don't to explain youself to anyone. You got married before having a wedding and that shouldn't be of a concern to anybody except your family, you, and your husband. It's quite rude of other people to continue to bring that up to you like it is some sort of disgrace.

Secondly, do what you think is right. If you want to have a cocktail hour and you can afford it then do it. Yes I agree apetizers are expensive, but there are cheaper options than cheese out there.

If it is important to you to have a cocktail hour with apetizers then do it.

If not then I would skip into just having dinner a bit earlier. Theres no need to cut your guest list from the sounds of it. You will figure this out!

Are you taking photos during that time? If so, you really should. We are taking photos during cocktail hour and are providing passed hors d'oeuvres and open bar.

In case anyone else is in the hospital situation, I learned calling my FH my "partner" got him full access. My surgeons went straight to him, which actually annoyed my mom but was what we wanted. We weren't engaged at the time. Also as pp stated, living will docs and hospital paperwork allow you to list your ice person.

Regarding not telling your family, do you really think you can make it 1.5 years without it getting out? I'd be clearer about it being a celebration of marriage to cover yourself. There's no shame in getting everyone together at a later time so I'm not sure why you/ your mom feel you need to keep it a secret. Did she say why? Think about it, is it because people won't come? People will be upset? Do you want those people there anyway? I don't see what hiding it gets you.

And yes, food is required but looks like you have already accepted that which is good. If you do skip, if it's just beer and wine, they can have the wine pre poured to speed things up. That way as people walk in they just grab it and head to their tables. I see this at conferences a lot where it's limited selection and they want to minimize people queuing up. (Eta: typo)

You def need something during cocktail hour.