No Future In Laws attending

Another direct quote from OP "My FILs said the wedding was too expensive before even knowing the prices."

And another one "We picked Mexico because it was cost efficient, we've never been to this location & it was a fair location for both families."

FWIW, I would have spoken with them before finalizing any plans, also. But it's too late for that. The question is not what should they have done. That doesn't matter, now. The question is - what do she and FH do now?

Maybe you could have a party with his family after you get back from the honeymoon. But DWs are harder than normal because not everybody is going to go.

@OhHappyPaulsons My FMIL stated if it was Jamaica (which is where she is from) she would be willing to go. But she doesn't want to go to Mexico. It's unfortunate that she's not willing to travel to see her son get married. I hate that he won't have his family there for support. I chose not to have my wedding in my hometown to help keep the guest list down. My FH did not want to get married in our current city. We then discussed a cruise wedding and were actively looking into details, his mother said she didn't want to be on a boat. So we decided to do a resort wedding. My FH actually picked destination. Having a wedding/nice reception in a major city can be really expensive. While it's accommodating to guest we just don't want to be in debt and we are trying to save for a down payment on a home. My parents aren't wealthy so i was also thinking of options that were cost efficient for my parents pockets since they are picking up the check. We have a total of 20 rooms booked already and unfortunately they are all my family.

My FH is a pretty laid back guy and makes it seem like nothing really bothers him. I know this bothers him even though he says he doesn't care anymore. He said he will have a great time regardless and is tired of the back and forth; one week his mother says she's going the next she's not.

So you're having a destination wedding because you don't want to go into debt over your wedding? Hate to break it to you, but there are a ton of options if you don't want to go into debt that don't cost your guests a fortune to watch you get married, including eloping. You went this route for whatever reason and now you either need to cancel and re-plan or you need to accept that your FH won't have his parents at his wedding and that may be something he never gets over. If it was me, I'd cancel.

@Elizabeth So we are suppose to cancel our plans even though my family and our friends are all on board and have already spent money on rooms. We both would like a nice wedding but we looked around at venue locally and we can't afford all that comes with a local wedding (venue, food, decor, dj, photographer, etc) nor do we have the time to pick out every little detail with our schedules. We changed our plans once, I don't think we will be scraping our plans for a 2nd time. She wants to plan our wedding and wants us to have the wedding she wants us to have. But this is actually about us and what we want. I feel it would be a little unfair to cancel everything and there are people who actually want to share this moment with us. It's just an unfortunate situation. Hopefully she will come around, if not my family will have to shower him with love and support.

Eboni do you realize the amount of problems and resentment you are going to START your marriage with? You will be forever be known as "the daughter in law that cared more about herself than her future in-laws". Have you looked into everything you have to do to get married in Mexico? And don't you have to book a photographer, Venue, food, decor in Mexico? Can't you host the 20 people at home in a venue there? Makes zero sense.

I agree with what other people said. It is about the money. If she's saving up for something expensive (this trip will be expensive for everyone) she wants it to be on her terms, not yours. I get it. Maybe she has other expenses (home, medical, etc.) that are none of your business that are affecting it. If you want the DW go on with it. Send her a postcard. Or offer to pay for her hotel or flight or both.

I think it totally sucks that his parents won't come. I knew that if I had a DW, my parents wouldn't come unless they could come by boat because my mother won't fly. I knew his parents didn't travel at all. I knew my grandmother will only travel to PR so she wouldn't have come. The thing is, I knew all these things first. It sucks you didn't know about the fact that his mom won't come if it isn't local or in Jamaica. I can see how going home would be more affordable if they have a home in Jamaica or family they stay with. You are just going to have to let it go. They will be your family and it's not worth holding a grudge over it.

I just attended a DW where the none of the groom's family or friends attended. It was still a beautiful day. I would express how important it is that she is there but other than that, nothing more you can do.

Let me say this, in general Mexico is cheaper than Jamaica when it comes to DW's. Posters, keep in mind, just because she is from Jamaica doesn't mean she is near a resort town. OP, here is what your FMIL is saying; you chose a destination wedding, why not choose Jamaica for cultural reasons. She is more than likely miffed at that. It's clear that OP chose Mexico thinking of the impact of the costs of ALL of her guests.

If FH is so inclined, and this is if you are both willing, offer to help her pay for accommodations. It would be that important to me, if she still declines with that olive branch extended, that is her not you.

I would feel really shitty if no one from my FH's side of the family came to our wedding. While I'm all for doing what suits you two best, I also want to see my FH happy. I know he would try to put on a good face for me but inside he would be bummed. That alone would cause me to make alternative arrangements.

For the date we set for our engagement party, my FMIL had a conflict in schedule come up. She asked that we change it. We did. It was important to us that she be there. So much of wedding planning is about the bride and what the bride wants. I think the groom and his family gets lost in the mix sometimes.

OP, are you actually getting legally married in Mexico? The requirements are very strict. I know a lot of people do a courthouse wedding in their home country and then do the showy wedding in Mexico. Is that what you are doing? Is that what your ILs object to?

This is the risk you run in having a DW. We are having one with the knowledge that my parents won't be able to attend. I actually prefer that because I don't want my mom there.

That said, to Kaylie, many DW aren't that different from family who have to travel to a wedding. They still need a place to stay, meals, etc. if we had ours here, they would encounter needing a rental car from the airport for a 3 hour drive to get here, hotels which are actually twice per night than where we will be in Orlando, and would be stuck with a very small variety of food options every night they were here. Flights are also more expensive to here. On the other hand, for out DW, which most have to travel to either location, the airfare is less expensive due to it being a popular tourist spot, hotels are cheaper, there is a HUGE variety of food options and stuff to do.

In Mexico or most Caribbean DW options, it's even less expensive because most resorts are all inclusive, so meals and all beverages are included with the room. That means in cases like ours, a destination wedding would be more cost effective than a local wedding for both us and our guests.

Jessie: I don't think that's it, because in Jamaica you can't have a legal marriage if you are not from Jamaica. She would still have to get married legally before or after the symbolic ceremony in Jamaica.

DWs might save you money, but they cost guests more money than a more traditional local wedding - between flights, lodging, passports if they don't have one, spending money, outfits, and gifts... it gets crazy. While DWs can be amazing, they come with concessions on the part of the bride and groom! While it's sad they won't be in attendance, I do think you should've talked to them before booking if it's important that they're there.

Although it can be frustrating, we don't get to choose how others spend their money - even if it's hurtful that she refuses to attend. Maybe she planned to go to Jamaica already because she has extended family and friends there and that's why she would be willing to save for that. You either need to let it go, or offer to pay for her trip. You could also offer to pay for her trip from Jamaica to Mexico if she would still like to visit there around the time of your wedding. If you offer to foot the bill and she still won't go, there is obviously something more at play.

ETA: Costs guests more money if they wouldn't have to travel to your local wedding

You can also marry legally in Mexico. You have to do blood tests, some paperwork and come in a few days before the ceremony but it's not impossible or that difficult to have a legal wedding in Mexico.

Yes, @Eboni. I'm saying that if I was in your shoes, I would absolutely cancel. My fiance's parents are dead and I know how devastating it is to not have your parents here for such an important day. You're willing to sacrifice your FMIL's attendance after you went ahead and planned your wedding without checking with her first. To me, that's selfish and rude, not because your FMIL deserves to be there, but because your FH deserves to have his parents there. There are ways to have inexpensive weddings stateside. You can prolong the engagement to save up. You can cut the guest list. You can get a second job if you have to. And who said you have to hire a DJ and photographer and all those frills? You can easily have a wedding with a cake and punch reception or a morning wedding with a breakfast buffet. You can do a wedding in a church with the reception at a park. The money thing sounds like an excuse, in my opinion. If you wanted to accommodate them, you'd find a way to do a local wedding or help pay for their costs, but your attitude seems to be this is what you want and they need to accept it or not come. That's great for you since your family is coming, but I doubt it's fine with your FH.

As you said, it's already put a strain on your engagement. Are you at all concerned that somewhere down the line, your FH will resent the fact that you put your vision over his family's attendance?

Know what my pet peeve is about weddings, not just destination weddings, but weddings in general? The absolute BS line of "If they truly want to be there, they will make the effort."

I cannot tell you how much that one grinds my gears. Just because someone gets married everyone else is supposed to move heaven and earth to be there, no matter the consequence. Did I mention that is BS?

Super BS! I have 4 married daughters. None of them had DW's and if they had chosen that I would have made my decision based on finances and destination. Hawaii DW's are crazy expensive. No way in hell would I pay for that. You want to spend 10 grand to go get married in Hawaii, knock yourself out! Really!! I am not doing it. For anyone.

As far as OP's FMIL - I wonder this: is she throwing a fit because it isn't where she wants it to be, OR is she feeling she can afford one big trip and she wants it to be to see her family? When you go visit family it is usually FAR less expensive than traveling to a DW. If she has to make a choice, and manage finances I totally see where she is coming from.

@elizabeth Did you miss the part that my FH picked the location. How am I selfish and rude if we both made this decision. It is our day he really isn't bothered by the fact that his mother isn't attending. It is more of me because i wanted the day to be shared with both families. Honestly if the wedding isn't where she wants it and when she wants it she will never be ok with it. Our guest list is already cut. We never wanted a big wedding we only want 50 or less, we are not flashy but we do want a nice reception to celebrate. And I'm sorry a photographer is a must to capture the day. And you saying the money thing as an excuse I can say the same about my FMIL. No need to attack me because i want both families to be involved but i do want it on our terms.

I do have a second job and that money is going towards the house. You keep saying "what I want", its actually what we want. For the past year before our engagement this is something we have discussed and thats having a DW. We have talked about whether or not he will regret anything and he said no. My FH has said numerous times all he cares about is marrying me and starting a family together. The wedding could be just him and I and he would be fine. He doesn't want us to change the venue.

The strain is coming from me constantly asking, is he sure? Because i do care about his happiness.

My family is a lot more laid back no matter where we picked they would be on board, since we were able to find something reasonably priced my parents are paying for the WHOLE thing. My FH does not want us to get married locally so no matter where we get married families would have to travel.

The entire process has been BOTH of our decisions. I could see if i was some Bridezilla saying its all about ME but I'm a Future Wife saying its all about US. We run everything past each other. We operate as a team thats why i check in with him to make sure he's still happy with our decision.

@MNA, that's not true, my parents were legally married in Jamaica. They just had to be there for two days beforehand. Not a big deal. They knew a local pastor who did it on the beach.

You didn't answer the question - are you legally getting married in Mexico or here in the states? The overwhelming majority of DWs are symbolic ceremonies with the legalities taken care of before the trip. (another reason you wouldn't see me attend a DW). If this is the case for you take her to the courthouse with you.