Need to wait?

Ultimately you two are adults and need to make the decision that is best for you all in your heart regardless of what we think.

I was engaged in college and broke it off because it wasn’t right for us. But I don’t know what your relationship is like. I think you need to move in full time and see if you can handle day to day things, supporting yourselves, habits, arguments, etc. I think it’s really important. If it goes well and you still think it’s the right thing, I think you should go for it. I wouldn’t want to wait til after vet school either since it is competitive and takes a long time.

View Quoted Comment I agree. I think the best step would be to move in together full time to see how you guys deal with living together. It can definitely be an adjustment. You shouldn't have to avoid living with him just because it might be difficult on your mom. She will just have to get used to it. As for getting married, I would recommend making sure you are financially stable first.

We are married and I'm currently a grad student for my MSW, social work degree. It is possible to get married, go to school etc. I'm 25, hes 27. Like others said, def do what's best for you. My dad cried when I moved out with my then-boyfriend, who is now my husband. It takes parents awhile to adjust. One thing I have learned is not to push off what you want for other people.

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We have been living together on/off (that wording sounds bad, but I don't know how else to say it) for about 2 years now. We live together some weekends when I'm home from college, but otherwise, we stay together for a couple of weeks at a time. I feel pretty confident that nothing major would change if we did live together full time, but there could be surprises and it would be safer to know about them beforehand so I think that advice is really helpful.

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I agree. I think it's possible for people to be married and still pursuing an education. However, it doesn't seem likely that we would be living together while I'm in vet school. So that might be a little strange and difficult to get through for 4 or 5 years until I'm finished. I would feel so guilty if he had to leave his job (because he just recently got to top pay, and if you leave you can't return for 5 years, and if/when you do return, you have to start at the bottom again). But I know that people make that work too, living apart while married. So, unless I'm just delusional about it and too optimistic, I don't think that this would make marriage impossible for us and that we could make it work.

View Quoted Comment I don't think I could be married and live apart from my spouse. That would be difficult. I've only seen military do it. But if you two want this then you'll make it happen. Because I don't think I could wait 4-5 years to get married lol I'm impatient

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I know, I don't necessarily like the idea of living apart for that long. But my friend went to BYU for her undergraduate and master's degree and they have so many families on campus; however, she's told me that they also have people who get married after their mission trips for church and then go to separate schools and see each other on breaks, just face timing and calling when they can't be together. Again, it sounds exhausting and difficult, but I also don't want to wait 5 more years to get married either! He understands the situation, too, and doesn't want to wait that long either. So I do think it could work.

View Quoted Comment If u both want it then yall can make it happen. Especially if other people have done it. It's only temporary. Def do what's best for you both

View Quoted Comment Exactly and completely this. There's a lot of uncertainty that goes into applying for veterinary schools. You may not get into one for years or have to go overseas like my stepsister. And then it's another four years of high pressure learning, due to its competitive nature. That is going to add a LOT of stress to being married. Also, you don't want to necessarily "settle down" and buy a house since you don't have a good predictor of where you'll be. And this may not be the same for you, but I changed so much in my 20s. They were a whirlwind. And my high school sweetheart amd I were together since 17 and broke up 4 years later even after discussing marriage. At the very least you need to study money saving skills, build credit, be financially stable before you venture into marriage. You'll be starting out with 100k in student loans and it's gonna be a while (even on a veterinarian salary) to pay that off enough for banks to find you an attractive loan client for something like a house.

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I don't want to discount what you are saying, but I want to share and give you some food for thought. I've lived with 3 boyfriends in the last 10 years, and staying over for extended periods/traveling together is nothing compared to living together full time. Moving everything you own, sharing finances, space, and chores permanently, and actually having nowhere to go when you are angry/upset/unsure can be unexpectedly difficult. It's always fun at first but after a few months things can start to get hard and you want to marry someone you can stick it out with. So I still think it's really important to try it out first before your wedding. Good luck and best wishes!

I'm the mom of a daughter who met her husband when they were 14 yrs old and freshmen in HS.... They started dating in the winter of their sophomore year and ended up being an exclusive couple for the eight years until they married at 24. They initially went to different colleges, but daughter wasn't happy and ended up transferring so that they went to the same university for their last two years. They lived together most of those two years. During that time they both went to school full-time and each worked 30-40+ hours. They got engaged about a month after they graduated. SIL needed to complete a grad program for his career and daughter went straight into her career, and they moved to a more "grown up" apartment, away from the university. During the ~ 4 years they lived together, while they were in school and after graduation, they both grew a lot and needed to adjust to their changing maturity, interests, and goals. They were both always really good savers, so with the exception of their college tuition/fees, they were completely independent for more than four years before the wedding. They were fully managing their financial affairs, and as daughter likes to say, "adulting." SIL finished grad school about 9 months before the wedding, and they were both working in their fields. Both sets of parents were supportive of their relationship the entire time, BUT we would have had concerns if they had planned to get married before they were on their feet financially and had demonstrated that they were fully independent. I think I understand your mom's concerns. It's one thing to love one another, it's another to be ready to fully take responsibilities for your adult lives. Personally, I would not want to get married with the idea that my spouse and I might live in different geographical locations for several years; lots of people would find that problematic and potentially damaging to a relationship. (It's one thing if it's military service or something similar; that can't really be helped, but even then, a lot of military marriages end in divorce.) In your place, I might consider getting engaged and moving in together full-time, but put off setting a date and wedding planning until, together, you have a more clear vision of where you're headed with your career plans. Good luck!

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Also, I completely agree with this.... Living together full-time is a big adjustment -- especially if either or both parties are not yet financially independent. Sharing space AND financial responsibilities takes a lot of work and compromise. If you're in love and MEANT to be together, taking some time will not likely have a negative impact.

It’s totally possible but I think your mom probably sounds like she thinks you’re young and just wants you to enjoy life without rushing into anything but it’s up to you because only you know how you feel. That’s just a typical mom thing to say and do

I think all the points that have been raised are very valid. I do think everything is a process that should be approached as partners. I understand looking out for your moms feelings, but at the end of the day her being sad her child is moving out or getting married shouldn’t stop you from taking the next steps with the person you want to marry. We met while I was still in college (20) and knew it was serious and going to be long term. I focused on finishing my degree, taking some time to work and then I applied for a masters degree not so coincidentally in the city he lived (we were along distance). We then lived together for a while before getting engaged. It was exciting but scary and while we were both super committed to our relationship it allowed us to progress in a way we were both comfortable. We tested our living together, if things didn’t work out my options were open to relocate after my masters etc. I’m not saying getting married young is bad at all (I was 23!) but I would consider your aspirations outside of marriage before setting a date. Would your husband move with you if you had to relocate for vet school? What are his goals for his career and how would they be impacted by a potential move? Would you guys both be willing to have long periods of distance while married? You guys might already have had all these discussions! I guess I’d be focused on what you envision for married life to determine when is the right time to make that happen.

I think it’s very important to move in with him to see how you two will be together. My sister is a chief resident for pediatric dentistry, and she’s engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years. They did long distance the first year they were together and she was living on and off with him for 2-3 years because she was also living at home with my parents.


This past year she’s been in school living in a different state with him, and he even got a sweet deal from his company. He could work remote 2 weeks and would have to come back to the office for 2 weeks so he flies back (pre covid). All of this, from buying furniture together and dealing with expenses has been a growing point in their relationship, and they got engaged last year!
Try to move in 100% with him to see where you guys stand. Your mom has valid reasons, but you have to take a chance and see where the relationship goes to show your mom you’re good and found a good man

I know a lot of people who got married after receiving their Bachelor’s degree, then got married either while in graduate school or before. This situation seems pretty much the same, you’d get married before continuing your education. Ultimately, it’s your decision and not your moms even though she’ll probably always have her opinions. My mother and my grandmother have an opinion about everything I do lol but you know whats best for you at the rnd of the day

I got married while in a doctorate program. However, we were 29 and had been living together full time for 5 years by the time we got married. I understand your mother's concern in that you said so yourself you are "lost when it comes to insurances and loans and mortgages." You two are still young. I would figure out your individual paths and see how those can converge first. Also, as others have said, living together full time is very different from staying together on weekends and such because 1 of you is always "going home" at some point soon. When the shared space is your home, there is no more "best behavior." You really get to know your partner's quirks and all their habits when you live together full time that you don't necessarily see when you visit on weekends. Also, I have friends who dated while going to different med schools and married while completing residencies in different states. I have heard from them how hard that long distance relationship was. They were friends throughout middle/high school, starting dating senior year and then went to the same college for undergrad. After that, they separated for med school. It was really rough, even with the solid foundation they built. I understand wanting to get married. However, based on what you said, I think waiting and seeing how things play out for you in terms of a multi-year plan and getting to learn more "adulting" type stuff would only serve to strengthen the foundation for a solid marriage going forward. Move in together full time. Figure out division of finances and household chores. Learn about and discuss your loan debt situations, how mortgages work, etc. Make sure that your individual goals and aspirations align with one another (not in the sense that they have to be identical, but in that you as a team can figure out how to help each other accomplish these things together).

If you have completed one degree or educational program, you should have learned enough disciplined study habits to do another while married. And you are certainly old enough to save money living together, to save for a future home or a veterinary or other program. Time for mom to let go has long passed. You are an adult. Negotiating leases and mortgages is not difficult, for someone who has completed an educational program. Buy a paperback workbook that explains home buying, zoning, mortgages, inspections, loans, taxes and special laws in your state. Waiting 5 years won't teach you, but educating yourself will. You are old enough to be separate from your mom.

My FH and I started dating in 2014 when we were both 17 and got engaged May 2019 when we were 22. He graduated from college 2 years ago and I just graduated & our wedding is April 2021. We definitely got pushback from his mom about being so young but I have never had a single regret or contemplation about it being the right thing because I always knew it was. The pushback we got was coming from more of a “protective mama bear” perspective where she didn’t wanna let him go and was honestly kind of in denial that he would never move back home (crazy bc who moves back in with parents after college). But we planned to have a long 2 year engagement and that definitely helped because now we both have responsible adult careers and are really starting to plan our future. I think it’s important to talk with your mom, validate her concerns, but then explain why you think this is the best move for you two and what will make you happy