My Pastor won't marry us

Sheesh...why close the barn door if the cow already got out?!? Seems like a lot of 'keeping up appearances'...

This is one of the reasons that I strongly disagree with organized religion.

Judge not, lest you be judged. So, your church elders have judged. Shame on them.

UGH! I truly not like organized religion!

I wouldn't want someone doing my wedding who didn't support me and my husband and all of our choices. I think you are better off without them doing it. You two have made a good decision living together and you shouldn't be shamed for it.

Seriously, Kathy! I just don't get the whole 'well, you've obviously been living together and screwing like rabbits up until this point, but I can't with good conscience do your counseling/marry you until you are living separately'....it's the whole 'technicality' crap that bugs the piss out of me!

Traditionally, its the brides church that the couple

marries into. This seems to be your best option anyway since a

year has gone by with no chance of doing the ceremony

within your own church. Don't go with the JP since its easy to see

how much you did not care for that option. Good luck.

You know I hate to criticize any church but as a person who grew up in a strict Baptist church I feel I have to right. I'm sorry but church's can be so hypocritical sometimes it's ridiculous. They would not let you marry because you live in sin. What makes this sin greater and more important than any other sin? I decided to avoid this same drama by getting married in my fiancés parents church (Lutheran) and I never even bothered to ask the church I used to attend. I figured God is God and he will bless my marriage no matter what church performs the ceremony. You just need to tell your pastor very politely that while you respect their decision you are not comfortable having to hide the fact that you to are married. Be prepared that they may not be happy with your decision but it is ultimately your decision. What's funny is you guys don't need to live together in order to "sin" lol. Continued…

I apologize if I ranted a bit. My church has put me through much pain and heartache and it honestly took getting married for me to set foot in a church for the first time in two years. Sorry about your situation. I know how frustrating these types of situations can be.

::applauds Elizabeth::

I'm with Kathy - I CANNOT stand organized religion. I wish someone would slap them upside the head and ask "what would Jesus do?". He wouldn't recommended a couple lie to their family and friends first of, he would also celebrate their love no matter what their living situation. This stuff makes my blood boil.

I would get married in your Fiancee's church. I would not stand before this hypocritical preacher on the most important day of my life.

Thank you Carolyn :-D

Thanks everyone for your input. It can be hard to deal with a situation like this. When the Church still runs and acts like its 1920s still. I understand they have the right to believe what they want. But at the same time maybe do it by case by case bases. Like I moved away for work. We were apart for a year. My wife to be just moved in, in September because she was able to land a job full time transfer. Which is hard to do in these economic times. Don't want to throw it away and not be able to find work later because of living situation. But thanks everyone anyone else keep sharing your stories or opinions.

Thank you Elizabeth C. for your story. I know where you are coming from. I've seen my church cast away good people who things happened and the couple had a kid. They were shunned. I think they had to go up to front of church and apologize to the consistory for the stuff. I was young sometimes the church hurts them self's.

One more thing to consider....Since you are in a new community together, why not find a new church to call home, where you both feel comfortable and happy, and let them help launch you off on your new life together.

It may mean changing your mind about some things you had wanted since childhood, but as scripture says, When I became a man I put away childish things.

That is such a rough situation. I can see that is creating some hard feelings for you and your church. It sounds to me like your church is asking you to lie, which is also not right.

It might be time to find another church. I understand your respect for your pastor because he has been in your life for so long, but if he is compliating something so sacred and important, he may not be the person you want to marry you anyway.

We had a very similar situation so we decided not to get married at a church at all and had a friend officite our wedding. It turned out beautiful!

My FH and I are from different backgrounds. I have shunned the church I attended before he and I got together because of some of the older style views. But am uncomfortable in his church. We decided to have a christain ceremony in a gathering of our family. Not in a church but a beautiful theater.

I will say I think you should tell your pastor that your not allowed to marry at the church so he doesn't need to contact you. go ahead with plans to use your FW church or another spot of signifigance for you. God is everywhere not just in church. He sees everything and hears everything.

You're right that the church has the right to believe what they want. But you have an equal right not to belong to it, if what it believes is not what you believe.

God will bless your marriage regardless. I would find another pastor. Hope it works out!

We went to a Methodist church (non-denominational) and they didn't give us any problems-just a little minor 'counseling'.

We also had going on 3 kids together though....good luck

Sounds like my Fiance's church... Talked to her Pastor and he told us three rules:

1. No Alcohol at the Wedding

2. No Intercourse before Marriage

3. And that we can't live together until after we are married

Since she moved in with me (2.5 hours away from everyone she knows) and has a full time job, #3 won't happen... And No Alcohol??? Dry weddings suck... No thanks...

Good luck...

If I was in your situation I would go with the other church. If your mother says anything about it just explain to her that you have to do what makes you happy. We are getting married outside of the church because even though we both grew up catholic FH has went to being an atheist. I don't blame him in a way because after we moved in together before his dad passed away every time they would talk his dad would tell him he was going to hell. So I say do what makes you guys happy. Have you considered doing a wedding with the justice of the piece and then doing a vow renewal later. We don't have justice of the piece that will marry outside the court house here so we found a pastor that will do a nonreligious civil wedding.