Monster In Laws

A "bunch of internet strangers" (different forum) are the ones that taught me what my options were when I was 14, new to this country, and didn't know I had rights or resources for help. I will take that over poor choice of words anyday. It also took me YEARS to get comfortable visiting a professional and not everyone will run to a professional. Op's safety is an immediate concern here. In my case it took years to see a therapist because my dad was the abuser (and a psychologist) and there's also stigma in some cultures about seeing professional help. Poor choice of words, yes. Is that the biggest red flag she (or anyone reading in this situation) needs to address here? No.

OP, I hate to say this, but I would seriously reconsider. In your comments, it concerns me that he's flipped his opinion to appease his parents. You can never change someone. Prepare for this your entire life.

Don't feel badly, don't feel worthless. Nothing you do, *nothing*, will make his family happy. They've made up their minds and will do whatever they can to give you a hassle. It's not your fault, and there's nothing you could ever do to deserve them treating you this way.

The bigger problem is your husband. He needs to support you and lay down boundaries with his family. At a minimum insist on counseling, but if he won't have your back with his family that's a major relationship-breaking issue. His family doesn't need to love you, but they at least need to respect you and his choice. Without his support, they never will.

Throwing this out there, domestic violence isn't just physical abuse. Economic, emotional and spiritual abuse all constitute domestic violence. For example, intentionally intimidating or humiliating someone to manipulate them into doing something is domestic violence. I'm not saying this is the case for OP, I'm just saying domestic violence isn't so black and white.

^ What @constance just said. She's moving into the house in less than 4 days and her update stated they are already fighting about this. That's pretty immediate. Eta: I come from a culture where it's usually expected for the wife to move into the husbands parents house and take care of the house. So I get it. The difference here is OP wasn't raised with that and shouldn't be forced to change her norms if she doesn't want to.

Wow, I Am SO sorry this is happening. You look beautiful in your dress, and that should be what you get for YOUR wedding day

This sounds like your husband (I believe you said you've already had the ceremony so you're already married) is also part of the issue. Maybe he even agrees with his family's attitude and perception of you. Maybe he's even fueling this whole thing. Why else would he have let this go on for as long as it already has. I know you love him but you also marry the family when you marry an individual. It also sounds to me like you're still very young. If that's the case, you will probably be much better off leaving now before it gets worse and finding yourself a nice person who comes from a kind family. And I hate to say it but it will most likely get worse. If those are his examples and role models... Well a lot of the time, the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree (not saying there aren't exceptions but given his lack of action...). What has your mom said after encountering his mom's attitude?? And I hope you've been discussing everything with her so far so she can also give you some insight. I really hope she's not encouraging you to continue with this after what she's seen herself.

For what it's worth, I love your dress and don't like the other dresses very much.

Wow, this is overwhelming even as someone who does not know you. I'm so sorry! You said they didn't like you because you were born in America? Do they have a cultural background that makes this sort of thing normal?

I'm honestly really concerned for you. I'm not sure how to handle this except stand up for yourself. You don't have to "lose it" but you need to be really assertive from the beginning. Do not try to get them to like you, work as hard as you can to set boundaries with them to keep them from interjecting in your life.

ETA: I just read your update. You need to get out of this immediately. I agree with other posters, he sees you as a "bride" not as an equal and when you are no longer a "bride" things are going to keep getting a lot worse. Please leave.

I'm 90% certain I know what culture this is, having lived in it--and almost married into it--myself. The moms are considered saintly and to be all-but-worshipped by their sons, especially the firstborn. The groom's mother will do everything she can in her holy living power to break up her son's relationship. The MiL will not respect the bride until she has a child (most preferably a boy), then while accepting the DiL, will still run roughshod over her wishes. Tradition in this culture holds that the MiL names the firstborn child and lives with the couple and new baby the first 40 days.

The success of this relationship, @OP, ultimately depends on how hubby treats and respects his relationship with you. Does he at first support your decisions, then publicly sides with his mother to the contrary? Does he ditch plans with you to hang out with her? Does he, on at least some level, try to mansplain to you? If so, it's only going to get worse going forward. If, however, he supports and respects you as a human being--not as a "bride"--and backs you up when dealing with his family, you should be in better shape.

Don't let him family into your home. They sounds awful. Your hubby needs to stick up for you and if his family treats you this horribly now and he's just letting you be upset it may only get worse. Cut them off

Marriage counseling. This is not your fight...it needs to be you n H deciding what is/isn't OK n having s united front when ILs are out of line. Sorry you have to deal with this!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now! There's a lot going on and in a short time-frame!

The Dress - You do not have to wear a dress that someone else buys for you. Be immediately and abundantly clear that you will be wearing the wedding dress you have already selected, and will not consider any other options and leave it at that. Just lay down a calm firm line. The choice of your wedding dress is 100% personal and style based. Literally NO ONE else's opinion matters except for yours. You are the one who will be wearing it! Your relatives can try on, look at, even buy all the dresses they want - you have already chosen yours and will not be changing your mind or covering the expenses of any other gowns. Be kind but firm! Also calmly talk this through with your hubby to explain why this is your personal choice, that you feel strongly about this, and how hurtful it is for him to bash your wedding gown. It's mean and completely unnecessary.

Is there any way that you can make plans for his family to stay elsewhere while they are visiting? I feel like this will be a very tense situation, but I also understand that he would want to host his family since it's their first time in America and he hasn't seen them in a long time. No matter what - you both need to talk through the upcoming visit and agree on both of your boundaries and ground rules while they are staying with you. Just because they are family does not give them to right to be nasty to you or order you around. Also think about what you need emotionally from your hubby while they are visiting. What are your expectations for private time together? How can he best support you? How can you best support him?

Interacting with your in-laws, establishing those relationships, seeing how your significant other interacts with their family, seeing how you interact with their family, establishing boundaries, learning how to communicate when you and your in-laws disagree, establishing priorities - this is a LOT to take on!!!! I had the luxury of knowing my husband's family for years and years and slowly moving through all of those milestones to come to the relationship we have now. It's got to be tough to face that all head on at once! We've all experienced some bumps in the road navigating things with our partner's families. Sometimes you need to change your personal family 'coping mechanism', what may have worked for him individually in the past with his family may not work for the two of you.

I absolutely recommend couples counseling. Everyone should do it! It's a safe space for you guys to talk through some of these bigger issues, learn to compromise, and establish boundaries and ground rules both in your relationship and with your families. Kate also posted some great resources for qualified people you can talk to right now, like 7 Cups of Tea.

http://www.7cups.com/

I also recommend the Boundaries books, a great read for everyone and really pertinent to what you're going through right now!

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries-in-marriage/

You absolutely need counseling. Hopefully you can get your husband to join you, but if not, go alone.

A lot of this sounds petty (the Facebook posts, trying on dresses) but it's obviously disrespectful, and the real issue is how your DH handles it. It sounds like he feeds into that disrespect, doesn't stand up for you, and its considerate at all.

I would absolutely refuse to let his family stay with you until some of this is hammered out. And if he refuses to work on it, I'd leave.

It's so tough with dealing in with in laws from another county. I know what you're taking about. Please keep us updated

Tbh this sounds a lot like how my parents' arranged marriage started out. My father did turn violent (with the support of his mother), and it took my mom 30 years to finally leave him.

Now I know not everyone will end up in the same circumstances, but I'd be careful, OP.

Run! Life is Too short to live in this constant drama and chaos. This sounds like my first marriage and I Still have PTSD from it, five years later

In case my hunch was right:

http://www.al-monitor.com/pulse/en/originals/2016/05/turkey-judiciary-ending-mother-in-law-supremacy.html

http://turkishlifecafe.com/turkish-living/turkish-mother-law/

And if this isn't the same culture as the one in question, there are a lot of similarities here that may be beneficial/supportive to @OP.

Don't walk away. Run. He is putting his mother above you when she is intentionally tormenting you. That's an absolute deal breaker. I am so so sorry you are dealing with this.

You need to relax, this is really not that serious, you just have to stand your ground and tell them that you have a dress that you love and that is that. Why don't people have backbones these days?! Ugh

Feeling worthless over these goons? Really?

I would agree with you @FutureMRSG that it wouldn't be that serious if her husband wasn't agreeing with it. I think you are looking at a life of torment with a husband who is not defending you :-(