#MakeHerABaker
Dedicated October 2018

mil made copies of our invites

#MakeHerABaker, on September 17, 2018 at 5:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 146
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She made professional, real looking copies of our invitations and gave them to everyone she felt should have been invited that wasn't. First of all, my invitation designer is really upset. She actually told me she wants to sue for copyright infringement. Second, what on earth am I going to do about this? We're quickly approaching room capacity, she isn't paying for anything so all of her extra people are being paid for by my parents, plus these people weren't invited because we didn't want them there. Obviously. So far, we've gotten RSVPs from 16 people that weren't on the guest list. She refuses to tell us who she invited or even how many.

So...

1. I'm really worried she invited his exes and girls that she likes more than me.

2. My parents should not have to pay for this.

3. She shouldn't have done this to begin with.

Does anyone have any suggestions? We've tried talking to her and she just ignores the questions she doesn't want to answer like how many people or why the heck she did this. I'm really upset.

146 Comments

Latest activity by Vicky, on April 27, 2019 at 7:08 PM
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag

    Oh my goodness! I am so sorry you are dealing with this!

    You need to have someone taking names at the door of your wedding, whether it be a coordinator, security, or even just a friend acting as a host. Give this person a guest list, and make sure they do not let anyone in who is not on YOUR guest list.

    You should arrange this, then inform your mil that it has been done and that she should inform guests that were not invited by YOU (and your FH) that they will not be allowed in if they show up.

    I'm fuming about this on your behalf lol. I am so sorry she's doing this. Do not let her get away with it.

    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Savvy October 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    I would tell her she has to pay for the extra people she invited and if not then you are going to tell them they aren't invited due to room capacity. You could even say there was a change in room capacity. Although this isnt your fault, this is your wedding. You have to fix it though. You and you FH say who comes. This is your day not hers.
    • Reply
  • V
    Super April 2019
    Valerie ·
    • Flag

    If you get an RSVP back from someone who you didn't invite, let them know what FMIL did. Then tell her you are doing this and let her know that you will have someone at the door checking names and explaining to people what she did when they get turned away at the door.

    • Reply
  • LoweryForLife
    Devoted December 2018
    LoweryForLife ·
    • Flag

    What?1?1?

    My mom asked if she could do this and I was like "no?! I'm inviting who I want. Please don't add more." Thankfully, she cooperated and it was never brought up again. But why do parents think this is okay? lol

    Keep us updated on what happens! I hope she doesn't sue you Smiley sad But I'd be upset too!

    • Reply
  • J
    Expert May 2018
    J ·
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    I totally agree with this post. I think you and your FH also need to tell your FMIL that she needs to tell you exactly who else she invited and that she needs to apologize for what she did and swear that she will no longer meddle with th your wedding, otherwise she will no longer be allowed to attend and that you will hire security to make sure she doesn’t enter the venue. I’m not the least bit joking. What she did was absolutely disgusting and disrespectful, and you have every right to be enraged.
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  • #MakeHerABaker
    Dedicated October 2018
    #MakeHerABaker ·
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    Luckily the designer is a close friend of mine who only wants to sue fmil. She's more upset for me than for the copyright issue.

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  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
    • Flag

    WOW that's a new one. I can't think of any other way of handling this besides informing people not invited by you that they aren't invited? It sucks because this might ruin relationships with people when really they should be upset with your FMIL. Since you aren't getting anywhere with her maybe your fiance should try approaching her alone and explaining that this hurt yours and his feelings and is taking away from your special day. Everyone that isn't actually invited should be told so, because its absolutely CRAZY to expect your parents to pay for this. I've seen other people suggest having a doorman to only admit invited guests, which to me usually seems over the top because I come from a small family with virtually no drama, but in this case you may need one given you're going to be at room capacity and in danger of violating your contract.

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  • Maggie
    Super February 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Perfect advice right here. Let it be your FMIL's problem to explain to these people why they won't be allowed in, it should absolutely not be on you to fix this. That is completely insane though I can't believe she has the nerve. So sorry you have to deal with this!
    • Reply
  • #MakeHerABaker
    Dedicated October 2018
    #MakeHerABaker ·
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    She flat refuses to tell us who all she invited, she won't apologize because she feels that we are far more wrong than she, and she felt personally insulted that we didn't invite those people because they are her family and friends. I told FH a long time ago that I wanted her to be kept away from the wedding and reception but he told me it would be ok. I have several friends who offered to act as door people but at the same time I'm torn because the people who weren't invited honestly don't know that they weren't invited because the invitation they received was professionally printed. I don't want to be mean or nasty but they really aren't wanted there. FH is more torn because while he does like these people, we didn't have it in the budget to invite them. So now that they're coming, or at least think they are, he feels really bad telling them they can't.

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  • #MakeHerABaker
    Dedicated October 2018
    #MakeHerABaker ·
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    I highly doubt she will do this. She 100% believes she did nothing wrong.

    • Reply
  • Ingrid
    Super September 2018
    Ingrid ·
    • Flag
    Oh my goodness. This is so, so wrong on so many levels.
    I myself am a creative (I do photography), and would also want to sue if someone made unauthorized copies of my work.
    I don’t even know what advice to tell you this is so horrible. I like PPs advice to inform those who RSVP and aren’t on your list about what happened. And take names at the door.
    I’m so sorry your FMIL did this. This is not ok.
    • Reply
  • #MakeHerABaker
    Dedicated October 2018
    #MakeHerABaker ·
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    I want FH to go back and tell everyone that they can't come but he likes most of them and doesn't want to hurt them since they thought they were formally invited by us... I'm so lost! He tried talking with her this weekend but she just put it all back on us and said that we were horrible for not inviting them to begin with. She gave us a list of 200 people that she wanted invited when 200 is our max total capacity! We had to pick and choose and she knew this all along. I'm afraid my family will start leaving because it will be so crowded and overrun with her family and friends.

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  • futurmrslowe
    Super December 2018
    futurmrslowe ·
    • Flag

    I have. No. Words. That's just crazy!

    To echo what a couple PPs have said ---

    Explain this to anyone who you get an RSVP from to try to head off the drama BEFORE your wedding day.

    Second, have someone taking names at the door (normally, I agree, this is over the top -- but in this circumstance it is necessary).

    • Reply
  • c
    Super May 2019
    c ·
    • Flag

    All of those guests RSVPing need to be called and told that she went and invited those who you can't accommodate and to discuss with your FMIL for reasons you can't explain as to why she did what she did. Or she needs to pay for every person that RSVPs that she invited. What a horrific situation to be in with the designer of your invitations also. Yikes.

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
    • Flag
    That's crazy. I agree with those who said it has to be handled before the wedding day. If people start showing up and someone turns them around at the door - its asking for drama... Some will just be upset and hurt and embarassed but some might make a scene...and then ur mil will make a bigger scene and it has the potential of being a nightmare
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    You need to tell FMIL to take back ever one, and apologize. Or refuse to have her at your wedding ir anything to do with it. I know FI will be embarrassed. Anyone he knows of who RSVP's yes that you did not invite, need to hear what FMIL did. And know it is on her. And be told, you just do not have the room or the money for a hundred more guests than you planned on, and FMIL won't accept it. Sorry. Or expect this at any christening or birthday or holiday party you ever have for you or children ( if you have them.) Awful, but you need to call her bluff. And tell her she is not invited to the wedding or any part if she does not tell you every person so you can fox it. Tremendously unfair to bride's parents to make them pay for her deliberate acting out. You may not want yo go after her for criminal charges of theft of services. But telling her it is might get her to cut it out and help fix it. FI and you should not bear the cost. And the friends will be less upset at you , they will understand when you say she issued invitations for an event bride's parents are paying for. Is FMIL suffering from dementia, or just a badly behaved adult?
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  • WED18
    July 1993
    WED18 ·
    • Flag

    Oh my goodness, your FMIL is so out of line! Is there a FFIL? I’m sorry but your FH needs to step up here and confront his mother. He cannot accept her non answers and your FMIL needs to fix this. If it were a few extras I’d be upset but could deal with it, but 16 already and you don’t know how many more? This is insane behavior on FMIL’s part. I feel so bad for you and your family. I feel bad for FH too but again, he needs to get in her face and get this handled ASAP. IMO FMIL needs counseling to deal with her boundary issues or her behavior could negatively impact your relationship going forward. Wow, just wow.

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  • Kristen
    VIP August 2018
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    This is INSANE! I'm so sorry she did that to you!

    I think what I would do in this situation is that if people you didn't invite RSVP yes you have to kindly and politely explain that there was a misunderstanding and FMIL sent out those invitations without your knowledge. You're so sorry about the mixup but your venue cannot accommodate the extra people as you were not informed that they were invited by FMIL. It's a super awkward conversation to have and I feel bad because it isn't the guest's fault but the blame is all placed in FMIL and the venue max occupancy.

    She will have to be the embarrassed one who has to apologize to these unfortunate guests. Let it reflect poorly on her.

    You absolutely cannot let her get away with this or she will continue to walk all over you for the entirety of your marriage.

    I'm so mad at her FOR you!

    • Reply
  • ISaidHallYes
    VIP November 2018
    ISaidHallYes ·
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    I agree with everything both of these said. You need to have someone at the door checking a guest list. Then tell your fmil that those people will not be let in and told by the bouncer to leave. Also state it’s that’s if they are not contacted ahead of time about not truly being Invited and how she did this behind your back that an explanation card will Be handed out by the bouncer. This is not your fault. This is not ok at all. And this in no way should be made to look like you did anything wrong.

    I mean unless she pays for those people I would not budge on this issue! I’m fuming for you.

    Oh you could also add that if she does call those guests then your friend will drop the idea of pressing charges.
    • Reply
  • Heather
    Super April 2019
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    I agree with having a security at the door. When they ask why they can be explained to what fmil did. I would also talk with the designer and tell her to go ahead with her plans to sue fmil. She needs learn she can’t just do what she wants and if it takes being sued so be it. I understand feeling bad for the people that didn’t truly know but what will you do if the guests you actually invited gets turned away at the door due to room capacity? This isn’t a battle I would let go. I wish you the best of luck with a fmil like that
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