Maid of Honor Nightmare!! Help! Bridal Shower planning gone so wrong!

So now I want to break down some of what you said:

"I asked her if she had thought of favors and she said “the guests’ gift is being invited” so I bought little bath bombs as favors…."

^ so, right there - you definitely could have stopped. You're not the hostess. Therefore it is not a poor reflection on you if favors are not provided. I have no idea what your relationship is with your sister, but it sounds like you maybe treated her like she can't do anything right. Maybe that's pat of what's going on here. Maybe she didn't want to do the invites, or the decorations, or the favors "wrong". Maybe you think you were helping, when really you were just intimidating and bullying her. Maybe that's why she's "Done." Try to see it from her side.... it might really suck for her. Maybe she genuinely did want to throw you a beautiful shower, and then realzed that a) she didn't know what she was getting into and b) You were obviously going to micromanage and control every little aspect, so what was the point?

There are so many things wrong with this post!!

I have a different perspective. If she told you she was going to take care of the shower, she should. I agree that you shouldn't have been part of the planning, however, it seems like she agreed to take on this big task without knowing what it consisted of.

I think it's important that you have a conversation with her to find out what pushed her to the point of being "done", it shouldn't be stressful to be a MOH. Ever.

@CuteNickname, I see what you're saying and I think part of what you're saying is valid. On the other hand you're painting me as a devilish perfectionist to whom no one else is measuring up. I do not and have not ever ‘bullied’ her as you have suggested. If anything her cussing rampage at me is bullying toward me.

My sister is my best friend, I help her with everything (besides my bridal shower) because I love her. We elect to hang out on weekends together because we want to, we confide in each other when we have issues. I have absolutely no problem being the piggy bank if that's what she wants.

All I wanted was honesty and communication. I just wanted to know what was going on bc of all of the pestering I was receiving.

Please stop reading too far into my posts. I never said I would kick her out of my BP ever. I said it was suggested I move her from the MoH position in my 'clarification' follow up post. I also never concretely said I planned on removing her title in any way, it is a harsh overreaction to me. In my OP I said "Help! I don't know if she should remain my MoH, but I don't know how to handle this entire situation." Because I have been receiving conflicting advice outside of WeddingWire. More people are telling me she shouldn't be my MoH than people saying she should stay... this is because I have 2 MoH... 1 best friend - lives far away, 2 sister/best friend - lives closer.

My reason for mentioning her waivering standing position was to gain clarification with how to proceed because I had no clue. Especially considering what people have been telling me outside of WW. Now I know, keep her in her #1 MoH position, do not expect/ask/want anything.

@Emilee, it is somewhat normal behavior. When she really wants to do something, nothing will get in her way or stop her. She said she wanted to plan my shower so I had reason to believe everything would be ‘normal’.

I do know her issue, it is her finances. That’s why I offered to pay for everything, I didn’t want her to assume any strain in her life. That’s why for everything else she hasn’t paid a cent (Bridal shower outfit, bachelorette outfit, wedding outfit, shoes, dress, hair, makeup). I knew this having her as my MoH and accepted the financial responsibility, happily.

It’s also normal that when she doesn’t want to do something, she will make up every excuse in the book…. I didn’t think that I fell into this realm…

To everyone else,

You’re really not helping with the barrage of insults describing my assumed nature.

I came here for constructive feedback to learn how to address her.

1. I have learned that I should apologize, which I agree, and already planned on doing so, I just wanted to know more of what to say and how to say it.

2. And to never expect anything from anyone ever again in any situation, even if they say they will do something.

Thanks.

*Edited for grammar and formatting.

I would feel so embarrassed planning my own shower and treating anyone else like they HAD to throw me one. Just cancel it.

Don't lose your sis for a shower!

OP

I'm not going to lose my sister over this. Our relationship is not even close to being fragile.

It sounds like you two are very close which is why I am assuming you asked her to be your MOH, maybe you could ask her if she would feel more comfortable being a BM, but if you're already paying for everything, tell her you really want her to be your MOH and you have everything covered and just want her to stand next to you on your special day. You could also tell her you were disappointed she didn't follow through with the bridal shower, she volunteered so maybe relay it was more about her not doing what she committed to rather than the shower itself. Maybe reiterate how much she means to you and why you need her by your side on your special day. Just a suggestion.

Ok, so.... I said that I don't know about your relationship with your sister. Just gave you some food for thought that might be helpful.

People outside of WW are saying it would be OK not to have her as your MOH? Demoting her is no better than kicking her out. It doesn't matter if you already have another MOH. Please don't listen to any bad advice that says it's OK to demote someone.

Ok, not sure if you edited your comment or what but I see that you are not going to demote her.

@Emilee,

Thank you, that really touched my heart.

You're right, it wasn't about my shower at all, it was about having my sister be with me. Once you mentioned it, I started crying immediately.

She and I used to live together and it has been really hard on both of us for me to move out and in with my fiancé.

I don't want to even mention disappointment... it just hurt being blown off. She was avid about planning it 2&3 months ago (with prepping) and it was exciting for both of us. Since push has come to shove, she just had me take care of everything, that was really disheartening...

I'm going to take your suggestion and write that in a card. Maybe a little token too.

@CuteNickname, I never planned on demoting her - I thought it was wrong to begin with that's why I came on here bc so many people were telling me the opposite and I thought it was wrong.

I figured WW must have better advice since outside suggestions seem to be so heartless.

The advice I was receiving elsewhere did not 'fit', so I came to the 'experts' bc my situation is not ideal, nor it is typical.

Ummm has she sent invites? if not, I'd think maybe you weren't having the shower in 2 weeks?

My sister slacks too, but always pulls through at the last minute. Give her the benefit of the doubt maybe? You shouldn't be involved in planning your own shower anyways.

Well my maid of Honor is a young girl I wouldn't put her under the pressure to do a party for me.. I just want my day to be the happiest and lovely for me and my fiancé. we are doing a nice little engagement meeting with our bridal party and that's about it. I will get what I want because I will plan it and decorate my self and wont force any one to do what they cannot or don't want to do.

@Laura....you're not supposed to plan your own shower. Did you read any of this thread?

@Taylor, thanks for the apologie. That means a lot to me.

Oh, sorry, more clarification, my asking her 'what's up' was me asking her "How are you doing, do you need help with anything" besides normal chatting with regular life updates. I was asking to see if she was managing well bc it seemed like she was stressed out and that is the last thing that I want for her. I want her to have fun too, which is why I took the financial burden despite her wanting to 'plan/host' my bridal shower. My asking 'what's up' included "do you need any more money, just let me know". I just used 'What's up' as short hand for getting a feel for the situation over many conversations with my sister.

Ugh.

All these MOH issues makes me so grateful for mine!

That being said it sounds like you've been incredibly gracious and rightfully frustrated because now you're in the awkward position of basically throwing your own shower (yikes!)

Definitely call your sister. Tell her things got weird over text and you want to work it out. Maybe invite her to coffee or lunch or just chat on the phone. Nothing is worth ruining your relationship with your sister who I am assuming is also your best friend (or one of them)!

Let her know other people- perhaps other bridesmaids or MOG/MOB who would be happy to help with final details if that's what she needs- or if she needs to hand over the reigns for the party that's clearly approaching quickly!

*You might also consider adding your updates to the original post because people get a little comment Happy on here and don't read your replies or other comments before posting!*

@Richard, that is exactly what I am currently doing.

I did add the 'Y u no care' text, which now I wish I had done without.

@CuteNickname, I'm trying to care of her 'hosting' image, that's why I purchased small favors so it is the typical bridal shower and no one senses that it is some crazy mash up of inappropriately placed responsibilities with unfinished ends. Please reference Richard's post since you were so critical of my purchasing favors in her name.

@TaylorS I agree that someone should have stepped in. You don't plan your own shower and in this instance the shower should have been cancelled long ago.