Maid of honor dropped out

You said your FH nixed your BM wearing a suit, actually.

You asked how to word a response, this is my advice:

"I'm really sorry for my case of the bridal brain. Of course you can wear a suit, and I'm sure you'll look amazing. Please re-consider being in the wedding party, and I promise not to bug you for at least a year"

Sorry ladies, if FH doesn't want something that has to do with the wedding, that is his wedding too, I think that something, whatever it is, should have FH's thoughts be put into consideration.

So, someone you love, someone you respect so much that you asked her, out of all the world's population, to be your honor attendant let you know that wearing a gown was a deal breaker for her -- which should send you a powerful truth (and really...you never saw that coming?), and you allowed your FH to impose his preference of dress on a woman who is your friend? Don't you get it? Really, don't you get it?

If he wasn't in the equation, how would you have handled it? How dare he? This isn't about choosing a tie or vest color (all of which is his prerogative for HIS side of the bridal party); this is about a woman feeling her most confident and authentic in a suit, and he needs to realize that she isn't some clothing hanger with skin that will make his wedding pics look symmetrical. I'm actually shocked that you, a modern, open minded woman, gave him the time of day on this one. Shocked.

Secondly, you say you asked them early so that they would have time to save money. Save money for what? A dress? Yeah, that should take two years. You obviously intimated a little more than that, and some of them realized it.

As for Irielle's advice that this happens all the time -- the hell it does. Follow her advice and prepare to lose...how many was it Irielle?

I'm totally fine with my FH deciding food, music, venue, budget, photos, etc.

Gender presentation of my nearest and dearest is none of his fucking business.

SAK2SAH, we're not all "ladies", so please be inclusive of everyone.

Forcing someone into a dress is not appropriate in this day and age of gender identity/ respect awareness. The FH has absolutely no right to demand someone wear a dress. It's like asking for someone to change their appearance in any other way, but worse.

Also, is your MOH friends with the other BM? Because it's possible she's dropping out in solidarity.

Ok, well then, sorry, all genders. FH/FW should have input on their wedding. It's their day too.

Right, so if your FH/FW demanded that your side of the wedding party all wear suits, you'd be OK with that? Or if you demanded all his side wear togas that's OK too?

Firstly, I'm caught in the middle of a FH and coordinator who say that she should be wearing a dress and the girl I grew up with that states she absolutely refuses to wear one. Secondly, my MOH and BM know each other briefly, but not well enough to talk outside of our conversations together. Thirdly, my girls are in college. I know how tuition and books and supplies are first. So if they wanted to buy a dress, they might need the extra time. Especially since they are going to colleges that have extremely high tuition rates and they are only working part-time because of class.

Honestly, FH and I usually try to come to an agreement on things. I know I wouldn't want his groomsmen to show up looking like slobs or dressed in dresses if him and I were actually having a wedding party (which we are not). I am usually ok to compromise with him. His thoughts are important to me.

Respect goes both ways.

Kayla, then you pick a cheaper dress. There are nice ones for $50. THat's all the expense they have. It sounds to me like your expectations of what they needed to pay for was much higher, which is why first BM dropped out. You might want to take an honest look at that.

I never picked a dress for them. I picked a color and very basic style. Which if you read through the conversation, I've stated multiple times. And I also stated that my MOH and I have come to an agreement about how she can still be with me on my big day and not worry about her expenses

@SAK2SAH

And yet no respect for the person trying to present their gender honestly?

What if your FH insisted that any people of color in your BP came in whiteface? Would that be okay?

It's not about clothes; it's about identity.

SAK, So you feel it's respectful to your FH/FW to demand someone else wear a dress? How is it respectful to that other person though to be forced to wear something they're not comfortable in?

Your statement about respect going both ways makes no sense.

They aren't forced to do anything. They could always decline or drop out. I firmly believe a wedding is about the couple who is being wed. It is not about the guests or wedding party making a statement. Personally, if I knew my very good friends beliefs and knew that they felt strongly about something, I am sure my fh would also be aware and have a chance to object before I even asked my friend. Maybe im just being insensitive, but our day is about us.

SAK, I feel that you are being insensitive yes, and it's not about you when you involve other people. It's not "your day" when guests are involved.

You are correct in one way, the dear friend of the OP did drop out, so I guess she wins then, right?

In what way is wearing a suit "making a statement" and even if it is so what? Identity is important.

ETA: fixed typos

You and your MOH came to an agreement about you helping with her dress expenses and she's not going to drop out? Or she dropped out? I thought this thread was about her dropping out. If you came to an agreement, then what's the issue?

I still don't have an answer to my question about whether you asked your other BM why the suit was important to her in an effort to understand what she might be going through. This goes beyond your wedding and the attire. This is about whether you're being a supportive friend.

I guess I disagree with you @Jacks. The wedding IS all about the bride and groom. The guests are just that, guests. The reception is for the guests. If a wedding party member doesn't agree with the bride and/or groom about the attire, they can decline....which in this case the maid of honor did. As it is said every day on multiple threads, the wedding party only has one responsibility. To show up in the clothes required by the bride/groom. Wearing something outside of the requested attire isn't ok. It would be like a wedding party guest saying I really didn't like the color you picked, it clashes with my skin tone, so I decided to wear this color instead.

We came to an agreement in the course of the thread as I tried to get advice on how to respond to her and everyone missed that being the point of the original post. Also, she doesn't talk about things other than if she likes them or not. So asking her why didn't really get me anywhere with either side of this whole fiasco