Lying to guests about already being married?

People aren't entitled to know all things about a couple. I'm not a fan of lying but I'll do it if someone expects information that is none of their business. That's on them.

Soonyee - about your sister, I think as long as she tells immediate family things should be ok...some people may be deeply hurt (depending on who she tells/doesn't tell) but that is a decision she is going to have to be prepared for should people find out.

Laudie – exactly. I think you may need some tough skin to go through with it. Be prepared for people to be disappointed and hurt and I’m sure they’ll confront it. For me, this wouldn’t be a good idea. I’m extremely sensitive and I couldn’t handle the comments I would receive. But for someone that can handle it, more power to you, just be prepared.

I would feel kid of irritated to find out I'd attended a vow renewal when I thought it was a wedding. I'm not saying that's remotely rational, it's just how I'd feel. If you elope/do a small wedding/whatever and then want a big wedding, be honest, but don't keep your guests in the dark about it.

I don't understand lying about it. FH and I went to a wedding a couple years ago where the bride and groom were marry a couple weeks prior due to getting papers in for the military. We knew because FH was his BM...but the parents of the bride and groom to this day don't know. They literally celebrate 2 different anniversaries...the "real" date of their marriage and the date of their wedding. One privately and one publicly. If you want to celebrate with everyone...just SHARE that you're already married...at the very least with your family.

@Almost Mrs G brings up a good point. Which anniversary do you celebrate?

It would NOT bother me and no unless they said they were flat out NOT married it's not a lie. I think it's a personal decision and sometimes some families it doesn't feel "official" until everyone is there or if it wasn't performed a certain way. I wouldn't be hurt, annoyed or upset if I went to a wedding and found out they were already married. I am there to celebrate the marriage and I am still doing that either way. I obviously wasn't able to be there the first time but happy to be the second period. It's another thing I think people put way too much thought into. It's some else's life not yours.

As far as I know, the couple isn't denying being married but nobody is asking either. You usually assume that the couple isn't already married -- hence the wedding. So no one is going to just ask "Are you already married?" The reason this was actually figured out is because her FH (Well, DH?) is in a training program that requires him to live on base with other people in training with him. The only way to move out of the dorms is if he gets married. The bride moved a few states away to be with him and they have an apartment. She doesn't work so the only way they would work that one out is if they were married so they could live together.

They are just keeping it quiet and I guess assuming no one will figure it out. I don't know what they would say if anyone were to ask.

I think Jamie hit the nail on the head with this: "I don't think it's lying if they don't divulge that information. If someone asks and they say "nope, not married!" then it's a lie. Until then, it's up to them what they want to tell people."

Agreed, at least tell the most important people in your life, as they may legitimately be hurt by it.

I don't understand why you would keep it a secret, though. I don't look down on renewals (and I think these boards in general don't), but I wouldn't understand why you'd feel to need to hide it from me, like you don't trust me. I'd be more concerned with something like that than being "lied" to (which I've come to agree, if I don't ask, they aren't lying...)

Some people keep it a secret, because it's kind of a spoiler for some guest. Some people are less inclined to take your wedding seriously when they know you are already legally married. As much as I don't like lying it wouldn't bother me a bit. Any couple who wants to keep it a secret should. No big deal. I just found out that one of my best friends was married like 2 months before her wedding. I'm not upset with her- make's no difference to me.

Still say it would piss me off. I believe that it is a beatufiul thing to be their to witness a couple s wedding and I will often go out of my way to attend someones wedding but if it is an anniversary of any kind (including a vow renewal and lets face it vow renewals should be a celebration of the anniversary of your public affirmation of love) I may or may not attend but it should be my choice with the information. I am not likely to give a gift for a "vow renewal" or anniversary other than maybe a bottle of wine, but I will usually bring a gift to a wedding.

Sorry but if you are already married and did more than sign the marriage certificate in front of a judge you need to be honest with your guests. And if you married because you didnt want to live in sin and then want the big party, sorry but you cant have it both ways.

It wouldn't bother me. People get married "on paper" for several different reasons and I'm sure one of them is NOT so they can intentionally lie to people. I think it's their personal private choice how they handle their matters. How they choose to celebrate their union is on them.

It doesn't bother me as I consider it more of a secret than a lie. It doesn't hurt anyone, I would still attend the wedding and get a gift regardless of what they call it. People in general seem to get worked up about this topic though.

I think the reason couples keep it a secret is because they don't want the magic of it to be lost. I get it.

Ok, i wouldn't flip out about it but i also don't condone lying. so for me personally, i wouldn't do it. i think if they have to get married for some reason, go ahead and do it. let everyone know. then have a ceremony and a big party whenever its convienient. i would be happier knowing the truth than being slightly weirded out later by feeling decieved.