Invitation upset my mom...

She offered to pay for me reprint them all with her name added, but my dad got offended when he heard that because he thinks she shouldn't be obsessed who's gets on there and just focus the fact i'm getting married to a good guy. so he doesn't want to change it out of principle. i hate feeling like in way parents are using invites wedding try get one up each other, its enough to make me want to call the whole thing off

Eek~ you should have run the wording by her before printing. You could have added her with different wording. FH's parents are divorced and didn't contribute but I managed to get both of them on there. Who was paying wasn't as important as indicating that two families were coming together.

Maybe think about a re-print?

I always thought that both parents names should be listed. Regardless of who is paying.

I havent gotten that far in wedding planning though, i could be wrong.

I don't think I would have left your mom off the invitation all together. You could have put Mr.______ Smith and Ms. ______ Jones, invite you in the marriage of their daughter __Brandy___ ... etc.

I wouldn't want my parents or FH parents left off of the invitation, just because they aren't paying for the entire thing. This wedding is a marriage of 2 families and I wanted them both to be represented on the invitation.

Etiquette wise, it was proper to put your father's name on there, but if your mother has been emotionally supportive and raised you, there wouldn't be any reason why you couldn't have included her name on there too. There are lots of different ways to do invitations and, although you weren't worng to put your father's name on the invite, hurting your mother's feelings wasn't right either. Sorry I can't be of much support but you could have worded it this way.

Mr Smith requests the honor of your presence at the wedding of

Brandi Smith

daughter of Mrs. Jones

and

Mr Wright Wright

son of Mr and Mrs Wright

That is a shame... my parents are divorced as well but neither can contribute to the wedding. My grandmom is contributing a little but mostly funded on our own. I might just say our families request your presence as to not exclude anyone.

I would not even know how to console your mom, that is tough. My mom would be hurt as well, and she feels really bad that she can't contribute because she so wants to but has health issues. Maybe you can put her name on the shower invite??

This is why I'm putting "Together with their families...". My parents, FMIL and FBIL, and us as a couple are all contributing. I ran the wording by everyone first to make sure they didn't get mad. Sometimes etiquette hurts people's feelings and thus should not be considered the right answer. I would have asked your mom first and consider a reprint.

I actually feel like it is a slight to your mom as well, especially if your mom is in your life and you are close. I know my mom would be really upset too, especially since she got upset over even smaller things for the wedding. Even if etiquette dictates that whoever pays should be on the invite, I think there can be some rule bending in this situation.

Did you already order all the invites or just a sample?

Mom and Dad: "Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones request..."

Mom, dad and Fh's parents: "Mr John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones request the .....of their daughter, Brandy, to FH Name, son of Mr. and Mrs. Johnson..."

"Together with their parents, Brandy and FH, request..."

"Together with their families, Brandy and FY request..."

I know that etiquette says to only list the parents who are paying for the wedding but I think that was a little mean to leave your mom out simply because she’s not paying for it. Has she been a part of your life? If not then I could see leaving her off but not solely because she isn’t paying. My parents are divorced and only one is remarried so the invite was a little long with the names but they were all included. I even included my H’s parents. They paid for about 10% of the wedding but they are still his parents and should be included. I’m thinking maybe a reprint would be a good idea if that’s doable.

Well she left with a boyfriend when I was a teenager, and I only saw her off and on for years, and every time I saw her she would say she was never going to leave again but then she did, sometimes without telling us....so yeah we were a bit estranged until a couple of years ago. My dad is the one who taught me all the things a girl should have learned from their mother, thats why my dad is upset about her making it such a big deal... thats why it didn't really cross my mind to put her on there, but I honestly didn't see it as a big thing to get upset about...but yeah that is a good way of wording it x.x!

FH and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and we still listed both sets of parents. I think it's personal choice more than etiquette.

I agree with everyone... I wouldn't have left my mother's name off the invitation and I think she has good reason to be upset. This is why we will be using "Together with their families..." or something similar. If your mother has offered to pay to reprint them, I suggest doing that.

I would have mentioned something to her beforehand. Even if she isn't paying doesn't necessarily mean she isn't playing a part so to speak. You might find this info from the knot as a helpful explanation.

Q.

Is it true that the people whose names are on the invitations are the ones who paid for the wedding?

A.

That's usually, but not necessarily, true. The people who send out the invitation -- that means the people who are "requesting the honor of your presence" -- are generally viewed as the wedding hosts. Usually, the couple's parents are the hosts, although sometimes the couple themselves or another relative fills the role. However, a couple might be paying for the entire wedding themselves but still choose to have their invitation issued by their parents as a way of honoring them. Since parents often do pay for the wedding, especially if the couple is under 30, the people whose names are on the invitations are usually the ones who paid for it. But this should not be assumed.

Honestly, I hear what you're saying about your feelings towards her, just keep in mind that wording the invitations that way will make your feelings towards her very, very public and it's a pretty big slight. I just don't think your wedding is the time and place to air those grievances although you're totally justified in having them.

Since she's currently part of your life I would fix this. If she were not even coming at all I could see using your father's name only. That doesn't mean you have to list her by name. "Together with their families" or "Together with their parents" are nice ways of honoring everyone for their support without naming names. That's what we did.

We didn't put ANY parents' names on our invitations. We're in our mid-thirties. There were STILL people who thought we needed to do things a certain way. Damned if you do, damned if you don't--that's what we learned throughout the planning process. Do what you think is RIGHT, regardless of what people say is etiquette. As long as you are gracious hosts at your wedding, and your vows are sincere, you did it all the right way. :-)

You did the right thing, you put the host on the invites (the person paying). So tell her you are sorry her feelings are hurt but you just did what you thought was the right way.

Honestly, your situation is a little similar to mine, although it was when I was 6 that my mom basically dropped out of my life unless it was a convenient time for her to come around. Now that I am getting married she's interested in EVERYTHING! I have on my own decided that she will not be named on the invitation, because she is not paying, and didn't do much to raise me. I have also decided that my Grandma will be escorted down the aisle in place of my mom because my Grandma raised me. (FH, grandma won't be going down the aisle due to mobility issues). If she is angry, that is her issue because she didn't do anything to get me where I am today.

In one of your other posts you said your dad taught you what a mother should have. If you feel that way then why allow her to take the credit now? Obviously it didn't bother you when you had the invitations printed that she was not on there, so why should you allow her to jump in and take the credit? It's your day not hers!

DH's parents didn't pay for anything, nor did my mom. My wording was "Together with our parents" since dad paid for some and we paid the rest.

I already had them printed, my fiance is a graphic artist major so he designed them himself and we had them printed a couple days ago...we need to have the rsvp's back in mid august for the caterer so I need to send them off very soon...I might try to compromise on the invites and print some with her name in them but I can't see having them all reprinted at this stage, and she will still be honored in the ceremony which I would have never have done a couple years ago so I'm hoping that will be enough...

I didn't put only my FH and my name on them...