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Britt
Beginner June 2020

Intimate Destination Wedding or Whole Shebang Stateside Wedding?

Britt, on May 20, 2019 at 3:42 PM Posted in Planning 0 33

Hi,

My FH and I got engaged in December and are trying to figure out where we'd like to have our wedding. We've been at an impasse for months and I honestly don't know what else to do at this point to help me make our decision...which is why I'm on this forum, seeking insight. Smiley winking

When my FH and began our initial discussions about our wedding, we realized a lot of the people we would invite are casual friends who we really wouldn't need to have there. However, if I'm going to have a wedding in my home city (Atlanta), I wouldn't want it to be super small and would want a big party with a band, open bar and the whole deal.

As an alternative, I jokingly threw out the idea of having an intimate destination wedding with only the people we really care about, and my FH really latched onto that. Italy was the destination that made the most sense, as I had studied in Florence in college and my FH and I both come from Italian families. As we researched, we discovered that it'd actually be cheaper to have a 20-30 person wedding in Italy than it would be to have a 110 person wedding in Atlanta, and that includes everyone's accommodations in Italy.

And that brings me to our impasse: Do I want a small wedding in a location that bears more importance to me or do I want a more traditional wedding in Atlanta?

The biggest downside I see to Atlanta is that I worry that I will be so stressed about making sure everything goes right and that I talk to everyone that I won't actually be able to enjoy my wedding. That's a common piece of feedback I hear from people who have more traditional weddings, and I would really like to feel like our wedding is about us and our day.

The biggest downside I see to Italy is that some of the people I would want there (like my grandmother and possibly a few important aunts) wouldn't be able to make it. I could end up with only 6 people from my side (my mom, dad/his girlfriend, sister and 2 friends) which makes me a little sad, tbh. I would extend an invitation to all of my extended family, but based on everyone's financial situations, the ones who would be likely to come would be the ones I wouldn't necessarily want to hang out with. However, it'd be a more relaxed wedding than Atlanta and I feel like we'd probably be able to enjoy our time more.

To complicate matters even more, my FH and I live in NYC now, so we're going to be planning this from afar no matter what we choose. There would just be less decisions to make in Italy.

While my FH prefers Italy, he's made clear that he wants to do whatever would make me happy. Family and friends have also made clear that they want us to do whatever is best for us. But if I knew the answer to that, it wouldn't be taking me 3 months to make a decision, so I kind of wish someone would give us a concrete reason to choose one over the other.

I really feel like I'll never be able to make a decision, but we need to decide in the next week or so because venues for our preferred dates in both locations are going to start to fill up.

If anyone who has had their wedding or is currently planning their wedding has any relevant insight, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks! And sorry for the novel. Smiley smile

33 Comments

Latest activity by Sinéad, on July 11, 2019 at 10:18 AM
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    I had a DW but all of my VIPs (grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins, besties) were willing and able to travel to it. If they weren't, I wouldn't have had a DW. Who was there was more important to me than where I had it.

    As far as not being able to relax at a traditional wedding, I think you'll be fine. We had 80 people at ours and I didn't feel that kind of pressure at all. I feel like you're working yourself up about something that's probably a non-issue.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    You can always opt for a smaller wedding at home. You’re under no obligation to host a big party.

    For our DW, we checked with our 15 guests on the location & dates before we booked. Italy sounds fabulous but check with your VIPs. If any family member couldn’t go (my grandparents passed, but happily my parents are still with us), we would have eloped or married locally. My grandparents would have been devastated to miss my wedding!
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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    Thanks so much for the insight! Pretty much the only VIP who almost definitely wouldn't make it would be my grandmother who is 85 and has difficulty traveling. I think maybe a bigger issue is that I really only want the VIPs there (I really only have 8 VIPs), but the number of VIPs I have vs. the size I would want my DW to be don't really align.

    And "Working Myself Up About Something That Should Be a Non-Issue" could be the title of my memoir, so you probably hit the nail on the head there. lol.

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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    Thank you so much for the insight!

    I know that we're not obligated to have a big party at home, but the only way I would be comfortable with a smaller wedding is if we had it abroad (which is one of the main reasons we're considering Italy). So I've created a bit of a catch 22 for myself.

    We've definitely had the discussion about date and location with our VIPs so that's not so much the issue; I guess maybe a larger issue is that I really only have like 8 VIPs and that feels a bit too small to me.

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  • Lisa
    Just Said Yes March 2021
    Lisa ·
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    I am planning a destination wedding as well!


    In all honesty, I would say do the destination wedding. Since it's cheaper and you may wind up with an even smaller headcount, maybe plan a small celebration for family that couldn't make it when you get back to the states. Your wedding should be about you, and your FH. That's why I chose abroad, if I kept it local the headcount would have kept increasing and causing me stress beyond recognition >.<

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  • Michelle
    Dedicated November 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I REALLY wanted a DW but in the end there were a few very close relatives that would not be able to travel so I set my dream wedding aside and am now planning a hometown party and am actually starting to get just as excited about it.

    Once I got looking into the DW I got heart palpitations because I felt like I didn't have as much control. I was blindly looking for caterers,hairdressers, etc. I just needed to be able to "touch, see, feel" what I was paying for.

    If you have a lot of trust in others or can afford to hire a planner, then live your dream. A lot of people do DWs so it must work out ok . :-)

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  • Kiana
    Dedicated June 2019
    Kiana ·
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    I wanted a wedding in Italy! We were pretty set on this until my mom refused to pay a penny and I wasn’t going to pay for both her and her husband flight, airfare food etc. I’m sorry if that’s rude. But because of that we choose to have our wedding here in Texas which does mean grandparents can go. We probably spent more this way, yes... but I was happier going this route because I know I would have been bigger before. After I started the planning for Italy, most of them recommended we have our “legal” ceremony here first. I knew that there would be a min 20 people going to that between both our parents, and to pay for the food for that just wasn’t making it work for going to Italy and having to do the legal ceremony beforehand. I’m very happy knowing we were able to invite more friends and family. We are planning a trip to Italy for our 1 year anniversary.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    I know you have your heart set on Italy but you could always honeymoon there and do a DW just a few hours away so all your VIPs could attend but you wouldn't need to invite a big list. Just an idea! Do what feels right to you, of course.

    If you choose an intimate venue for the reception in Italy, it could still feel like a fun party! 15 guests were a lot of fun (18-20 would have felt ideal for our wine cave venue size but we really couldn't invite anyone else without causing some issues for our local reception we had three months later). Our guests were immediate family and a few of our BFFs/couples we knew would be happy & positive party guests. With such a small group, we asked our photographer to get several group photos and of each person/couple there because everyone looked so nice! We sent them pics via Dropbox as gifts.


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  • Amber
    Devoted April 2022
    Amber ·
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    We’re also planning a DW. In our case, both of our families live in different areas of the US. For us, it came down to

    1 ) Can/will our VIPs attend a DW?

    2 ) Budget.

    Our wedding budget would’ve been completely blown doing an at-home wedding unless we severely cut the guest list to like 30-40 people (which defeats the point of having an at-home wedding for us). We can do a DW to the kind of setting we’d really prefer AND do a honeymoon within our budget. We have talked about doing our DW and then throwing a very casual “Meet the Newlyweds” BBQ/cook out at home, mostly for my elderly relatives and friends with very little kids who aren’t able to travel for the DW.
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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    We are doing a destination wedding in the Faroe Islands. Much cheaper and less stressful than having a traditional local wedding with hundreds of people and a million things to plam, plus we have our honeymoon at the same time. We decided as well that we will have a backyard gathering for the important people in our lives who will not be part of our initial big day. Listen to what DH wants and needs from this special occassion. You have a lot of options if you go with the DW.
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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    I'm definitely one of those people who would prefer to be able to "touch, see, feel" what I'm paying for, but since we would be planning our Atlanta wedding from NYC, we'll be in that situation regardless of what we choose, unfortunately (at least to some extent). Thanks for your help!

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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    Yeah, we're also considering doing a post-wedding party in Atlanta if we choose to do the DW. There are several issues for us though. We live in NYC so it will be more travel/possible time off work. We also have family all over the place and I'm just not sure if some relatives would travel for a party if there wasn't actually a wedding taking place.
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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    Your wedding sounds awesome! Smiley smile And good to know that it didn't feel too small. My FH's immediate family is bigger than mine so we'd end up with 16-20 unless we decided to invite more than just the VIPs.

    For me, I don't necessarily have my heart set on either option and that's part of the problem too. Well, more like I have my heart set on both options and cannot choose for the friggin life of me. Before this Italy idea came up, I was totally content doing an Atlanta wedding, so I kind of wish we'd never gone down this road. But now that I've spent so much time researching, I can't unsee what I've seen. I will say that we'll be doing a eurotrip for our wedding regardless and will spend at least 2 days in Florence.

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  • Melissa
    Devoted May 2021
    Melissa ·
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    I say do the DW. We are planning a DW as we’ll because we did not want to spend a small fortune to have a wedding here at home. Like a few people have said I’m sure, you can have a dinner at home to celebrate with the family that cannot make it. We are gonna try to have a party at home for everyone that we could not invite!
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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    Thanks, Melissa! We've definitely considered that and would probably do a party in Atlanta with guests who couldn't attend the DW. The issue is that we currently live in NYC so it'd be more travel/potential time off work for us. And since most of our family lives in different states, I'm not sure if they would travel to Atlanta just for a party so we may not end up with everyone we would want there. We're in such a weird situation. lol.

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  • Melissa
    Devoted May 2021
    Melissa ·
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    It’s a tough situation but you’ll figure out what do do. You might create more stress & agg for yourself planning a big wedding in a city you are not currently in.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    It was awesome! Here are a few pics: Pirate Wedding in Calistoga, CA

    Wow, 16-20 will be PERFECT. If your VIPs can swing it, what an incredibly memorable trip for them and to bring both families together. For a DW, it's usually good hosting to provide something extra due to guests' expenses. A welcome dinner, the night before, for example. Or perhaps the day before you could treat guests to a local tour and lunch.

    For cost-savings, your families could look into VRBO or Airbnb. My family rented a huge house (5K square feet) near our wedding venue and hosted a welcome night BBQ. Way cheaper than hotels! Italy would be so dreamy...

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  • Britt
    Beginner June 2020
    Britt ·
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    Your wedding looks amazing! What a cool location!

    We would be paying for all of our guests' accommodations, so that would end up being our "something extra". Smiley smile We'd be renting out an entire a villa or farmhouse in Tuscany so the wedding and all accommodations would be on the same property and we wouldn't need to pay a fee for the venue itself.

    There's so much we've been considering in this decision and at the end of the day, I guess it just comes down to whether I want a small wedding in a dreamy location or the larger wedding I kind of always envisioned I'd have. I just wish someone in my friends/family would make this decision for me because I really don't know!

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Thank you! Smiley heart

    What? That's so generous of you! The farmhouse property idea sounds amazing. My vote is for the elopement to Italy!!!!!!!!

    Totally up to you. I envisioned a big party in my 20's but finally married in my 40's, my hubby & I have fewer friends and both prioritized the venue & experience more than guest quantity (we did a have local reception later for 50 guests--drinks, dinner, dancing--so we did get the best of both we feel).

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I do not understand why you cannot limit it to the 30-50 people you want the most, then have the two of you vacation in Italy as your honeymoon. Losing people close, because they cannot pay for a vacation for your wedding, is awful. There is no need to expand it to 110 if you do it stateside. Just invite the same few people that you really want. Don't invite extended family you do not want, there is no need to. Anyone else, say you are having a small wedding that you can afford. Just because it is local does not mean it has to be huge. Or expensive.
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