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Just Said Yes September 2018

i told the bride i can't come to her bachelorette party because I'm an alcoholic.

Josie, on August 7, 2018 at 6:49 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 32
I recently accepted the fact that I am an alcoholic, and now (only 2 weeks) sober, I realized I was going to be putting myself at risk by attending the bride's bachelorette party. I told her I was having alcohol issues, and unfortunately couldn't attend. I am a bridesmaid, so I knew this would deeply disappoint her, but I was still surprised when it took a full day for her to text me back. She was definitely upset, and said she didn't understand where this was coming from, that I didn't have to drink, and asked if this meant I wouldn't be going to her wedding either since there will be alcohol there. I did my best to respond, giving more detail as to just how long and how serious my issue has been. She hasn't responded to that message yet.

Did I lose one of my best friends? Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have lied? Should I have taken the risk of falling off the wagon? Should I let it go and just consider it her goodbye from me? Is she better off without me?

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate.

32 Comments

Latest activity by Lauren, on January 21, 2019 at 9:13 PM
  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    I can’t relate but you did what you feel is the right thing for YOU and that’s the most important thing of all. If the bride can’t see that you are protecting yourself and your recent sobriety, that’s on her not you. A bachelorette party is going to be far more alcohol-focused than a wedding so I can understand your decision.

    Are you still planning to go to the wedding?

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  • Jessica
    VIP October 2018
    Jessica ·
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    If the bride isnt there as a friend to support your recovery, then she wasnt a friend at all.
    You dont need that kind of people in your life.
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  • Katlyn
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Katlyn ·
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    I have not gone through this, but I wanted to congratulate you on 2 weeks sober! Realizing that you have a problem and actually did something about it is difficult to do for most people, but you did it! Even though I dont know you personally, I'm proud of you! As far as the bride getting upset, she should understand that this is a difficult thing for you and she should realize that you are bettering yourself and making a big life change, she should be supporting you and understanding and I'm sorry that she doesn't seem to be. Kudos to you for doing what's right for you ❤
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  • stephanie
    Dedicated October 2018
    stephanie ·
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    I understand you decision and I really don’t think she should be upset with you about this. I hope you can still plan on going to the wedding, not as much alcohol there to be around. Either way I hope the best works out for you two.
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  • Tiffany Rose
    Dedicated August 2018
    Tiffany Rose ·
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    I'm happy to hear you made the right decision for you! She's probably just confused right now and doesn't understand. Give her time. If you do lose her as a friend over this.. then maybe that's a good thing.
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  • Melissa
    Dedicated August 2018
    Melissa ·
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    You totally did the right thing. And she may be hurt now, but I’m sure your friend willl understand.

    I remember when i quit smoking - I would go out to bars with my friends (like 10 of us). They would all go out for a cigarette and be gone for 20 mins at a time. I just sat at the table all alone and waited. I knew that if I went out with them, I would break down and I wasn’t willing to throw my progress away like that. And 9 years later, I still haven’t.

    Congrats on the two weeks! It will continue to be a battle, but you’ve got this Smiley smile
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  • B
    Dedicated August 2018
    Becca ·
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    I have not been in your situation. But I al proust of you for choosing to be sober and recognizing a scenario that would jeopardize that. I think as a bride your friend is disappointed and confused. But I think in time, if she is truly your friend, she will come to understand.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    This kind of decision to face your problem and deal with it is like major surgery. You need it, yes it will be disruptive, and anyone who cares for you at all will, must support you. But do not judge her for taking a day or so to get back to you. She feels she has taken a punch, and the real serious nature of the good you are doing yourself, or the absolute necessity of it, just needs time to sink in. She will likely come round from thinking first of how this impacts her wedding within a couple days. I hope you find strength every day to get yourself through this. This is the right thing, you know it. Hang on to that.
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  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
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    It's brave of you to recognize the issue and take it on full force. Give the bride a bit of time to let it sink in. I hope she realizes that what you are doing is what you have to do. Your sobriety is so young that putting yourself in a situation such as a bachelorette party in a bar is just asking for a relapse. If she doesn't understand, that shows a weakness and lack of caring on her part. If this ends your friendship, you are the one who will better off and it will only point out how unfeeling and self absorbed the bride is.

    Best of luck on your recovery. I do hope you are going to support meetings. You need guidance from people who have been where you are at now.

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  • Emily
    Master May 2014
    Emily ·
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    You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your recovery and your health are more important than her bachelorette party. The bride should be supporting you, not giving you the silent treatment. The wedding and the bachelorette are very different. At a bachelorette, drinking is usually the central focus. That is not the case at a wedding. If she can't understand that, she is a little dense. In any case, perhaps, she is just processing this at the moment and will come around. Hopefully, this will not turn into the loss of a friendship. If it does, she was not worth your friendship to begin with. Keep us updated!

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  • Tpatb
    Master August 2019
    Tpatb ·
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    It takes great courage to be able to take the step you did & never feel sorry for that!! I hope that your friends cools down & realize that her response wasn’t the best one. I wish you well on your road to recovery/continued sobriety! ❤️
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  • Stacey
    Super October 2018
    Stacey ·
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    She can be disappointed, it is natural, and if she is a good friend she is probably really worried about you as well. Maybe that is why she is taking so long to respond? Maybe she is worried or doesn't know what to say? You did the right thing and took a HUGE step forward by admitting you have a problem. This will not be an overnight transformation, and you need to do whatever is necessary to work through these issues and stay sober. If she is a true friend she will get over her disappointment and be grateful that her friend is taking care of herself. This is not exactly the same, but I have a good friend who has been suffering with crippling depression, and anxiety. She is really ill, and for the past year she hasn't been a part of my life very much, and hasn't been involved in the wedding at all. I am sad, I had hoped she would be there, and it hurts me that she hasn't been. But i understand that it is not her fault, she is not doing it on purpose and she is not doing it to hurt me, she is battling something insanely difficult, and she needs to do whatever she can to get healthy. So I get a little sad, and then I push it away and remember that she is my friend and she is in pain, and her wellbeing and health have to come first. I hope once your friend has time to digest everything she will see that too and be supportive.

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  • OrangeCrush
    Super October 2017
    OrangeCrush ·
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    As someone in sobriety - congratulations and it is really is a one day at a time, one minute at a time in the beginning. I do understand. Your friend was probably taken aback and perhaps felt embarrassed she put you in that position? You have to put your health first and good for you for realizing this. I hope she comes around and thinks of you and your health.

    Best wishes and good luck on this journey.

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  • M
    Devoted October 2019
    Melodie ·
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    First, congrats on being two weeks sober! You absolutely made the right decision -- your health and wellbeing has to come first. I am sure that it was not easy for you to share that information with her, and I'm sorry that she didn't respond in a more sympathetic way. I would hope that the next time you two talk, she is more supportive. Otherwise, she honestly doesn't sound like the kind of friend that you need in your life right now.


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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    Congratulations on two weeks sober! When I was quitting drinking I didn't go to anything like a party for four or five months--I couldn't take the risk. People were very understanding and supportive, but they'd been watching me kill myself with alcohol for a long time.

    Absolutely do what you need to do to stay sober. Take no risks. Don't give in to pressure from people who don't understand. Your sobriety is the only important thing right now; everything else depends on it forever.

    And it gets easier, though don't ever let yourself become overconfident.

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  • Cheree
    Dedicated October 2018
    Cheree ·
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    You did the right thing for yourself you have to look and take care of yourself before others. Maybe give her the benifit of the doubt that’s shes just in shock and taken back by what you put on her. I would give her a few days to respond then try talking to her again. Maybe she doesn’t want to believe that you (someone she’s close with) had a problem. If she can’t support you on your sobriety then she’s not doing her job as a friend.
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  • jax
    Dedicated September 2018
    jax ·
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    You definitely did the right thing. Like someone else said, she could still be processing everything.
    It is more than "just not drinking" too. It's good that you're not putting yourself in a situation where you could be triggered to relapse, especially since it's still early in sobriety. It takes a lot to be able to do that. And hopefully your friend will be supportive of you in this situation. Definitely keep it up. You got this. Smiley smile Smiley heart

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  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2018
    Josie ·
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    Thank you for all the responses. I'm going on two days of not getting a response to my second message (explaining my issues to her so she would better understand.) I am trying to be patient, as many of you recommended, but am also feeling terrible that I may lose my friend, and that could be the last message ever sent between us.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    No, no, it won't end the friendship unless she is a pretty worthless person. Friendship ending moves would be going to the shower or bachelorette, getting smashed and having to start over, with anger on both sides.
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  • M
    Beginner September 2020
    Megan ·
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    First of all kudos to you for realizing you have a problem and taking the steps to get better. My dad is 22 years sober and it is not an easy thing to do. That being said you need to, especially this early in your journey to sobriety, stay away from situations that may trigger a relapse. You made the right decision and if the bride can't get over herself and see that, she is not a true friend, it is not as easy as to just "not drink" you are fighting an addiction, not just a "oh well darn that drink looks good, but I shouldn't" it's not that easy.

    Stay STRONG you can do this! You can beat this!!! I would also recommend finding a local AA meeting, they helped my dad through the ups and downs, and I'm sure they can help you too!!!! SENDING LOVE AND PRAYERS YOUR WAY!!!!

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