I think my ex is trying to sabotage my wedding

Hmmm, I can understand that. Why doesn't he want your daughter involved? And does he care how much it will hurt HER if she knows her mom wants her there and bought her a dress, etc but she still can't come...

Ladylee...I'm so sorry your ex is making this difficult on you and your daughter, We kinda have a similar situation with my FH ex and her son (my FH's step son) they have always been close and he is now 16. My FH's ex hates me with a capital "H" and if she knew I was anywhere near my FH (including my son) she would not allow her son to come visit for weekends. We asked his stepson to be in the wedding, come as a guest, or not come at all (incase she finds out about the wedding and date) and at this point in time he has not decided. We understand if he opts not to show....and is waiting until he turns 18 so he doesn't have to worry about if she kicks him out...since he will be of legal age. You know your ex the best...but if he finds out you changed the date just to trick him he might take it out more on your daughter for not telling him then anything else.

He's a very vindictive person. i think it's a combination of things. he always says he doesn't care what i do but then he's always in my business. everytime we have an argument he always brings up that i make more money than him and other stupid stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand.

then whenever she gets in trouble he always tells her he's not going to let her visit me. he says it's a scare tactic but it's about the stupidest thing i've ever heard. she gets in quite a bit of trouble (which is why she now lives with her dad) so that's always his first thing. it gets really old. so that's the point, he's trying to scare her but i also think he's jealous about me getting married.

like last week he said she couldn't come. then he turned around and txt me why didn't my sister pick her up. are you kidding me. and then my daughter told me he was saying "i don't give a d*mn about no wedding". so obviously it's intentional.

I'll just have to explain to my daughter that she has to not say anything. i don't know what else to do. i know my daughter will be very sad if she's not able to come to the wedding and i can't imagine her not being there.

AWWW.....Ladylee...I'm sorry. Maybe the next time it's just you and your daughter together you explain to her that it is very important for her to not tell him anything regarding the wedding because if her dad decides to make both of your life difficult and he might not allow her to come to the wedding and the situation would be out of your hands. I would explain it to her that way.

I was just with her yesterday and she didn't say anything but i she knows how he works my nerves so she doesn't tell me everything. my mom called me on the way home and told me what he's been saying to her. she confides in my mom a lot. i'm going to talk to FH about it. he's usually more level-headed when it comes to these matters b/c i immediately fly off the handle. and there's no point in trying to talk to the ex about it b/c history has taught me it'd be a waste of time.

Ladylee I feel your pain my FH's ex doesn't want to allow his 3yo daughter to be in our wedding as the flower girl. Because she think's it'll cause to many issues with her because he parents are divorced and thats not her real mommy. Like I told my FH, if you've got a court order stating you have rights. And it's your weekend then he's out of luck because that's violation of a court order. If he doesn't allow her to come and you've given him enough of a notice say like 6 months. And make it hand written and mail it so he has to sign for it. So you have documentation that he was aware well in advance. He's then considered kidnapping the child. Also depending on your daughters age in most states any child above the age of 13 has legal rights. And they can choose to spend time with the other parent when they want to. I know all this because we ended up having to contact an attorney due to some other crap she had pulled. And we asked him about this too. Hope this helps and good luck!!!

Wow! he is putting your daughter in terrible situation he should not punish her for feelings towards you,he should know better then to put a child in the middle of parents it puts them in a funny place she loves both of you she shouldnt have to choose or lie to see either one of you he needs to grow up i hope it all works out

Wow. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. And even more so that it's happening to her. I...hmm. I'm trying to figure out how to say what I think without offending, so please have patience with me. I don't know how good your relationship with your ex is, other than what you've said here. How about this: Maybe one should consider his abilities as a parent if he's going to use "scare tactics" to manipulate your daughter. I worry that, if this sort of behavior is consistent with all things not meeting with his approval, she may become resentful of him over time, which could, as she grows, spread into a general spite for people. I really hope she's stronger than that though, and doesn't allow his actions to make her bitter. *hugs* Good luck to you and your daughter. I really hope the issue is resolved soon. =0(

It's just a really unfortunate situation on all accounts. her going to stay with her dad was basically a desperate attempt to keep her from spending her teenage years in juvenile detention. she was getting in a lot of trouble so it was the lesser of two evils. here it was just me and her. where her dad is there's more of a support system b/c both of our families live there so there's more people to watch out for her. i understand that she has to be punished. i just don't think that not allowing us to have our visits is a viable form of punishment. he's never not let her come until last week when we were supposed to look at dresses. i'm sorry i'm rambling. he just really gets under my skin sometimes.

@Carmen his thinking is that this will hopefully keep her from getting into trouble from now until june but I get what you're saying. I think she pretty much resents him now but he's the primary disciplinarian. When she lived with me, she hated me lol. Welcome to parenting.

@ Ladylee I commend you for making what I KNOW was a very difficult decision in letting your daughter go to her dads house for a while! Actually, my mom had to do the exact same thing for my brother and till this day we know that move saved my brothers life although it was difficult for us for him to be away from us!

I understand why he uses not allowing daughter to go with you as punishment but I find this tactic a little misguided. Your visits should never be compromised. He needs to figure out another way to discipline or maybe if shes punished at his house she will be punished at yours as well?

Sounds like ex is just a straight up hater! Do you have a legal setup for this or is it an agreement between the two of you? Does he normally send her to her weekend visits? I hate to say it, but if you think he'd try and prevent her from coming to the wedding lie to him!

@ DCT yes it was a very difficult decision but we all felt it was an opportunity for her to have a fresh start. and i really didn't have any other options. i have to work and she was getting into things after school. she's too old for afterschool care programs and even if she wasn't she gets kicked out lol (i laugh to keep from crying).

Yeah he lets her come for his visits its' just annoying everytime she shes in trouble he immediately says she might not be coming this wknd. I finally had enough and told him I didn't think it was right. He said it was scare tactics but I'm like you're saying it to me so what's the deal. If you just talk to me I will enforce whatever punishment you give her when she comes to my house.

He has residential custody but we don't have a court-ordered visitation schedule. Even when she lived with me we didn't. We've just always thought that was too rigid and really not necessary. We've made it work with very few hiccups. (cont)

(cont) but even though he always threatens, he always lets her come. like i said it just gets old hearing it. but right now we're not having our regular weekend visits b/c she has to do community service on saturdays for a fight she got in at school. normally i pick her up on friday evening and then take her back sunday evening. it's about 170 miles round trip and i just can't see picking her up saturday and then turning around and driving her right back the following day. so this weekend i just went up and spent the day with her. we visited my mom and went out to eat and got her nails done. that way at least i only have to make the trip once. but we'll have to do it this way for about 2 more months until she finishes her community service.

@ Ladylee babygirl is really testing you guys I see. You mentioned shes fighting. Check out this documentary called Girlhood. I use this movie for my "bad girls" in group sessions as a tool to analyze the consequences of behavior. Sometimes they can look at the movie and see the obvious mistakes of the girls in the movie but can't see it in themselves. It DEFF creates an opp. for great dialogue!

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It says a lot about you and ex that you haven't had to involve the courts in your situation so that is a great sign! I think I understand that you are more frustrated with him using you has a tool to control her behavior which is totally understandable.

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Is it possible to talk to him and let him know this is unacceptable and that you will carry out his punishment while shes with you? Its obvious you both have nothing but her best interest at heart! Is it possible to call in an unbiased 3rd party?

I will definitely check out the documentary. Yeah we were so disappointed. It seemed like things were turning around. She had just made the honor roll for the first time ever then the next week she blew it. She's the sweetest thing she just has a problem with impulse control. And all her teachers speak so highly of her and are really rooting her on to turn her behavior around.

I have told him that if he just communicates with me I will enforce whatever punishment he sets when she comes here. It's just been such a rocky road for us. We really try to keep our communication to a minimum. That seems to be what works best for us. Whenever I try to talk to him he will almost certainly tell me I'm using "college words" LOL! then before you know it everyone's frustrated and everyone's yelling. Yeah I really picked a good one there...

The only problem is he doesn't know that I know he's been threatening not to let her come to the wedding. And I don't want him to fuss at her for telling

So I'm really thinking I should play it by ear for a while and see how things go.

We have done conference calls with my pastor in the past and that worked out well so I know Rev is always willing to step in if need be. And even though the ex doesn't go to church he (surprisingly) respected our pastor but he really didn't give him any reason not to. and rev is very non-biased. If I'm wrong he doesn't hesitate to tell me so

Teenage years are tough! There is no getting around that it is a very difficult developmental period. And the fact that media glorifies sex and violence (Have you seen the show Bad Girls) doesn't help any of us.Have you guys tried counseling?

So you're not supposed to know...well like you said you can't say anything. From everything you said it looks like he would not mess up your day!

Mr man sounds really intimidated...ummm dude go to school or read a book and you too can speak using big words lol

Well it's like most people when they get upset their inner-shaniqua comes out. me i'm the opposite. i go straight proper and murder with words. lol

but no i never watched bad girls. should i? lol i think this is the payback my mother warned me about :o)

ROFL!!! You a mess! I just mentioned that show cuz all my kids (students) are obsessed with it. Its just a bunch of girls living in a house acting out!

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One day you gonna have a daughter that acts just like you...ROFL Thats why Im praying for sons

Don't i know it. when that tongue gets sharp i have to remind myself that she IS my child.