How to "Do Gender" On the Big Day!

Whatever makes you feel like the best version of you.

I'm always team make up. Because I think everyone looks the their best under a lense with some make up. But whatever makes you feel your best is I think the answer.

I have no personal experience with this but I think you should just 'be you' on your big day! Rock some gorgeous makeup with your tux, and I think it would look pretty awesome to have your mohawk colored for your wedding. Show off your true self so you feel special and comfortable and gorgeous/handsome!

I completely agree with JoRocka...only you know what makes you feel your best! You should look the way you want to be remembered. If you want to do a tux and lavender curly hair...go for it! You will look amazing however you decide...and I doubt people will try to figure out who is trying to give off the bride or groom vibe!

I do not have any experience in this area, however, I do not think there is a right or wrong way to look. I think it is great how original and unique weddings can be. You should wear whatever you want, dye your hair whatever color you want, wear makeup or not if you want. Maybe ask your FI what they would prefer and let it be a decision for you two. Good luck!!

You look how you want to look, what makes you feel good? I love the idea of coloring your Mohawk... I'd say with no gender the sky is the limit!

You have some time maybe experiment a little bit and see what makes you feel best..especially if you go for dying your hair! Definitely do a trial run first!

Educate me, SuperHusband...if you don't identify as having a gender at all, asking us how you should present that gender on the day of the wedding is a question without an answer.

I'd suggest you spend a lot of time asking yourself the questions you're presenting here. What do you want to wear on your wedding day? What feels authentic? Whatever it is, whether it's a dyed Mohawk, curls, a bow tie, or a floral neck tie, is up to you. If I were your guest, all I would see is you. I wouldn't be looking at gender calling cards -- I'd just see you, and I would wish for you what I wish for every couple -- a long life filled with unconditional love, prosperity, good health, and a prayer that adversity would pass by your household.

@Unawarepandabear ooh, I hadn't even thought of shoes - which is weird, because I LOVE shoes haha I'll definitely be keeping that option open!

I agree with PP, only you know what is going to make you feel like a rockstar. I love the idea of the colored mohawk and maybe some neutral makeup, just to accentuate features. Are you doing any boutonniere with the tux? Maybe coordinate the colors of that to be an accent of your wedding colors, or a colored undershirt/button down that matches the theme with a tie or bowtie being the other color. Does your FI have any sort of opinion or are they suggesting you just roll with it? Stay true to yourself and what makes you feel 100% awesome

@Rachel D My main concern is, I think, a concern that most (if not all) trans people share: I don't want to go "too far" in one direction or the other. If I dress "too feminine," then my guests (especially my family) will see it as "proof" that I'm "really just a girl," and if I dress "too masculine," they'll see it as "proof" that I'm "really just a boy." I need to figure out some way to hit the perfect mix, so that when my family sees me, they can see androgyny - they can see me, being happy AND nonbinary, so they won't be tempted to misgender me or call me a "beautiful bride" or a "handsome husband," not even by mistake.

I'm not sure if we're allowed to recommend other wedding planning sites, but Offbeat Bride has great examples of real weddings that may be less traditional or heteronormative. I used them to find a lot of our readings and some more equal language for certain phrases (replacing things like "You may now kiss the bride"). We're always here for you here on the forums. I love the idea of personalizing your mohawk or shoes or a floral bowtie. Whatever makes you feel the most you!

You should only be inviting people who know and love however you are going to present that day. Wear whatever you feel makes you look like it's your wedding.

Do you wear jewelry? I'm sure you could do some fun things there.

Whether you identify with a gender or not, you still have a personality and a style. I say there is no right or wrong way, but always stay true to who you are. You have a lot of time to go. You will probably change your mind 1,000+ times before the wedding. Side note...Pinterest is my best friend. WARNING: it is a black hole. :-)

You go as far as you want to, Super Husband. You are who you are, and you have every right to present yourself in a way that feels right to you. Those who love you, honestly love and embrace your inner core, will see you -- your spirit, your energy, your existence -- not whether or not you dress in feminine/masculine/androgynous attire. Sweetheart, please be you. It took you, I assume, some time to get to the point in which you're proud to live your life as it was created to be. Nobody gets to weigh in on this completely personal decision. Your guests will wear what they wear without worrying, for a second, whether or not they'll be judged. You are entitled to that same freedom. You know the answer. Be yourself. Please, be yourself.

I think you should be true to yourself and not make efforts to go in either direction with gender. If you'd rather not wear makeup, don't force yourself to do so just to make a point to your parents. What do you do on your best day in life? On a big date night or as a guest at someone else's wedding? You're an adult now; you don't need to prove your androgyny to your parents or anyone else. Dress for you and you alone. Dress however will make your best without any thought as to whether its feminine or masculine.

Also, this is a tricky thing for people to navigate so remember to be forgiving to people who are trying and doing their best; it's sometimes hard to know all the right things to say. Chances are you will get a few "beautiful bride" or "handsome husband" comments. That doesn't mean they don't love you or are trying to disrespect you. TBH, I would've thought you identified as male due to the Super Husband screen name. When you get married, will you see yourself as a Husband or a Partner? I am just wondering because of the screen name.

I think thinking about what everyone else will think - is going to throw you over the edge in worry. There is no possible way to please or appease everyone. The only people you should really focus on pleasing are you and FS.

If you remove everyone else from the picture - when you close your eyes and picture you getting married - what do you see? What types of details stick out the most to you? Maybe a dyed mohawk, makeup, a floral tie, and a nice suit are just the perfect match. Maybe that's too far in one direction or another. Take a little time, and maybe talk it over with FS to see if there's anything that's really important to him - what he loves most about how you look/how you feel comfortable that he would like if you made that part of the day.

Have you decided if you want to wear white, or any particular color? Perhaps you could incorporate lace with a suit jacket (like a lacey vest or cumberbund), and put garland in your hair (garland seems a little less gender-specific while still being a little femme).

I've never been to a trans wedding, I apologize that I don't have any great suggestions from experience. I'm sure you will come up with something great! The PPs had great advice, try to choose something that makes you feel that you look your best If you love your eyes, maybe makeup is the ticket. If you love your hair, maybe a piece in your hair or a special color/updo will make the statement. good luck!

Echoing what @Soon-to-be-Mrs-K said about Offbeat Bride: http://offbeatbride.com/tag/gender-queer/

Go with your gut and Rock on