How to "Do Gender" On the Big Day!

I'm totally seeing a fabulous, well tailored tuxedo, a color-coordinated mohawk, floral bow tie, and a killer pair of shoes. (Whether it be heels--not sure what you like and feel comfortable in--or something fun like purple wing tips!)

This is something I've never thought about! If course I encourage you to be yourself, to ask your partner his "vision" of you on your wedding day, to not worry about what other people will think, etc etc, but I totally get what you're saying about being concerned that your family will take your appearance as "proof" one way or another. I loved the ideas about feminine lace with a masculine suit and all that, and my first thought was how perfect that would be to keep your overall appearance gender neutral. But then I thought about it more and about how you referred to your partner as "he." I wanted to tell you honestly, as a very open and non-judgemental person myself, I suspect that if I went to your wedding and your partner was clearly a man, if you had any feminine touches, my mind would automatically see you as "the bride." Fair or not, right or wrong, I think I'd subconsciously put you in the bride category. If you dressed completely masculine, I'd probably think of you guys as two grooms. I can't figure out a way to see you as completely gender neutral when you're paired with your partner :/ I'm really interested to hear what you decide! My best advice is to do as someone else said - close your eyes and daydream about your wedding. What do you see? Do that! And as far as your family's opinions, as you surely already know, they'll think what they think and don't even worry about it

I think I'd see about having a suit custom made by a company that specializes in agender clothing. I'm thinking somewhere like Bindle and Keep, who will do a totally custom suit for you in the colors and styles of your choosing, starting at $795. They are used to creating unique gender neutral clothing or bodies of both sexes and are happy to add any personal flourishes to make the outfit feel like your own; in fact that's how they advertise themselves. Check them out:

http://www.bindleandkeep.com/

Also, consider these two etsy shops (depending on if your biological sex is male or female, but they are both run by the same people). They custom make suits for both genders and everyone in between and will do anything from Edwardian linen to steampunk tuxedos to very traditional tuxes tailored to fit a female body.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/machetensons

https://www.etsy.com/shop/VigilanteLabs?ref=l2-shopheader-name

Here are some of my favorite agender wedding looks! Maybe get something like this done in your colors?

@Delfina. That first look is to die for!!!

David Tutera has an amazing female tux line. They are feminine but not too feminine.

If you normally wear makeup, wear makeup! Everyone looks better with a bit of makeup on haha and this is the most photographed day of your life, you want to look fabulous! Same goes for jewelry, if you normally wear it, do so also on your wedding day. I would keep your hair however you normally wear it -- these pictures will literally last for generations, and you don't want to look back on them and not feel like you look like yourself. I think your tie should match the wedding colors, but I do like the idea of doing a floral if that goes with your theme! I also definitely think you should do flowers if you love them, whether it be a boutonniere, wrist corsage or bouquet. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of the couple so you should do whatever makes you feel like your best self!

I can totally picture the classic tux but then adding some sass with maybe a floral tie and some comfortable yet classic shoes (love the idea of the wing tips). then add some finishing touches with some makeup and coloring the hair! Also, maybe a pocket square to tie all our colors in together or a really nice boutonniere?

Also, wear a bow tie just because bow ties are so awesome! I have no idea how they got purloined by the male half of the spectrum but I have serious bow tie envy.

In my opinion try wearing a white tailored suit that would look good on either a man or woman. If you like floral prints then go for that. I say yay to make up for photography purposes. Color your mohawk if you want. Mainly, you want to look like the best version of yourself. Good luck and congrats!

I love this one too

There's so much good advice here already!!

I agree with what PP's have said....find what makes you feel beautiful, and rock it. Don't worry about whether it is too "feminine", "masculine", whatever. Those who love you will share in your joy. And the more beautiful you feel, the more joy you'll radiate.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do this. If you want to wear makeup, do it! Experiment with those looks you mentioned and see if any stand out to you. You could always see if a particular nail color or jewelry style seems to come together for you. Best of luck! We're always here to give input if you would want to post some of your looks and want some advice.

I'm not really sure how to keep a balance between genders, because it really depends on your own tastes and style! As long as you are comfortable and confident, then that is what matters when it comes to attire.

Also, I like the idea of coloring your hair for the wedding. I immediately thought of a color melt when you said that. This one is rainbow, but you could do lavendar/periwinkle/mint. Just an idea.

I agree with pps, once you decide on a suit/tux that you want, experiment a little. I love the idea of dying your mohawk the wedding colors! I would pick between either the hair or the bow tie to match the colors tho so you don't risk the colors clashing.

As for the makeup, if you love the look, I say go for it! I (personally) wouldn't put you in the category of "bride" or "groom" just because of makeup or anything like that. Do what makes YOU feel happy and beautiful for YOUR amazing day!

If all else fails talk with the fiancé about what they think. After all, they probably know you best! unless you're like me and want to keep them in the dark so they're surprised for the big day hehe

The colored mowhawk sounds awesome, and some light make up. You have some time to maybe try a few different mash ups to see first hand how they make you feel. edited: I can't read apparently and thought OP said they didn't want to wear tux.

It would be pretty badass if you could find a pastel tux or floral suit jacket! And it would present pretty ambiguously IMO. I think it would look fancy with curled hair and light makeup.

You do you.

Personally, I love the look of dark suits and full makeup, but that's just me. You do what works for you.

Be YOU. Your fiance loves and wants to marry uou for that reason. I say have a day where you try it all. Do your hair in a hundres different ways and makeup as well..and whichever one makes you feel the best should be the winner

I've officiated same-sex commitment ceremonies and for the last 2 years same-sex weddings. Here is what I've seen:

2 women in white tuxes; a woman in male pirate garb and other woman in a white dress; several times 1 woman in white tux or pastel suit while other was in white gown; one woman's tux had a vest more like a halter-top that became visible once she took off the jacket at the reception; one woman in lavender capris and top and the other in white dress. I've only had one male couple and they were in light-colored suits.

Wear/do what makes you feel happiest on the best day of your life!