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MrsC
Devoted June 2023

How Involved Are Your Grooms in the wedding planning?

MrsC, on February 21, 2023 at 11:34 PM Posted in Planning 0 38

Are they in on every stage of planning or just when asked their opinions? Are they enthusiastic participants or they like, "where do I pick up the tux and what time should I be at the church?" I am planning a Catholic "convalidation" wedding ceremony at my church for early June, just after our 38th anniversary. I am Catholic (he is not) and because I'd been married before, I couldn't have a Catholic wedding. The earlier marriage has since been annulled by the Church so now I can have a Catholic wedding. We discussed this and he insisted it be quiet and simple and I agreed, as long as we could have the honeymoon we also didn't have back then - we had bought a house and then had a baby born just after our 1st anniversary. So, my closest and dearest friend (also our church's music/choir director and organist) and I have been planning the day. The ceremony will be a simple exchange of vows and rings at the end of the 10AM Sunday Mass. My friend is Matron of Honor, our son is Best Man, and his 2 kids, boy 12, girl 9 will take part by bringing the Offertory gifts to the altar during Mass. My MOH and her husband, both close friends of ours, are hosting our wedding dinner at a nearby favorite elegant restaurant. It will be 8 of us including the priest. Another close girlfriend, a retired baker whom I've known, and gotten cakes from, for 35 years, is making a small tiered cake for the dinner, and we'll use our original cake topper - a Precious Moments Bride & Groom figurine which topped our original cake. We're also using our original wedding bands. My outfit is a simple cream lace ensemble with a small bow headpiece with a tiny veil. His is his new black formal suit and I bought him a white French cuff shirt and a nice paisley tie. I also bought outfits for the kids. We had a lot of paperwork to do for the priest which is done; this week we're meeting with him as required for weddings at the church. There are no invited guests per se - the only people at church who know about the ceremony are the priest, my choir - whom I told and who is singing at Mass that day anyway, (they're very excited!) and the MOH and her husband. So even "quiet and simple" required planning. I've tried to share the important details with him -those being the date, time, what he's wearing, when our son is coming in from out of state, and the paperwork and meeting with the priest. But when I mentioned the cake, he exploded and said I was becoming "obsessed"!! I simply reminded him that I've kept the details (and costs, btw) to a minimum, that the ceremony was necessary for me, and we needed a dessert for dinner anyway (and we're not paying for the dinner). I just want to keep him in the loop and give him chances to have an opinion. Most of the actual detail planning has been done by me and my MOH (who is almost more excited than I am!) at church or at her house so he has no knowledge of what we needed to do because he has no interest in the planning. So I am disappointed in his attitude. He's not unwilling to do this for me, but his mind is clearly not on it. My MOH, who is a very wise woman, explained it's because he's a man. Now we do have other serious family issues pending, most of which we can't do much about except pray. So I'm wondering if you brides have much, or any, input from your grooms?



38 Comments

Latest activity by Alexis, on July 8, 2023 at 12:12 PM
  • B
    Beginner October 2024
    Becca ·
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    I understand. I'm currently obsessing about what date to choose and I can tell my fiance is getting sick of it lol. Only because we've talked it over 5 times and he wants me to do what *I* want, not what my family wants, etc. He is constantly reminding me that he doesn't want me to be stressed out for the next 1.5 years of planning but I honestly can't help it, I'm an anxious person/overthinker!!! However he has been way more involved than I imagined. We've been to two venue tours so far, both of which he asked plenty of his own questions. He even went to a wedding expo with me!!

    I have plenty of friends where their grooms didn't help/want to help plan at all. So it's not just yours, if that makes you feel better.

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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Out engagement period will be over 2.5 years, and we've been together over a decade. He didn't have much of an opinion on anything, but would help me choose(or not choose) vendors. Now that we are less than 8 months out he's very excited and wanting to plan more. He's currently helping me pick my bridesmaids color.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    My Fiancé has been pretty easy-going with everything. He has seen a lot of wedding romantic comedies, and truly believed that it was all about the bride, and that all brides want their grooms to just show up the day of wearing whatever they told them to wear. 😆 He was really surprised when I actually wanted his opinion on things! I took the approach of narrowing everything down to 2 or 3 choices (ie, my top two or three photographers, videographers, caterers, etc.) and then had him help me choose between them. It worked out perfectly! It got him involved, but didn’t overwhelm him.
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  • K
    Super September 2023
    Kimberly ·
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    My guy is not very proactive about doing the research himself, but he is more than happy to talk wedding any time and has been actively involved in every decision, even the minor ones. He and his buddies have their own wedding planning chats all the time, where wrong information is conveyed that I then have to correct lol. So I would categorize my FH as super excited but not a planner and definitely has no clue how to plan a wedding so is following my lead.


    You mentioned that this is your chance to have a Catholic ceremony and that your husband isn’t Catholic. I wonder if his lack of investment is just that this is something that he knows means a lot to you so he’s perfectly happy to do it, but it has less of a personal connection for him. Even though it’s of course his ceremony, too, it sounds like this isn’t even properly categorized as a vow renewal. So he’s supporting you in something that is incredibly important and carries emotional weight for you but that he maybe doesn’t view in the same light.
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  • Caryn
    Rockstar November 2023
    Caryn ·
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    My FH cares a LOT about a few very specific things. He cared about the date (11/11), what he's wearing (buying a new custom suit) and that we hire a third bartender when two is more than enough (doesn't want anyone waiting on line).

    For everything else, it's whatever I want, which is great. Obviously, I am happy to give him whatever he wants but I do tease him a bit about taking such a strong stand on three sort of random things.

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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    My husband and I made every wedding decision together, though I took the lead on planning since he was in grad school and had limited time to do wedding stuff. We both researched and met with vendors, though I did the research on decor, guest books, invitations, etc. I'd send him my favorite 3-5 options for each, and if he was especially drawn to any in particular, we'd go with that one, otherwise I'd start over and research another few options to send to him. I kept track of our to-do list, and made sure we stayed on track. He did most of the communicating with vendors, but we both met with vendors and we both came up with ideas together to make sure the wedding went in a direction that we both wanted it to go. I was very happy that he wanted to be so involved in planning!
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  • C
    CM ·
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    I'd personally be more focused on him "exploding" over a cake than whether or not he is intimately involved in the planning of your convalidation ceremony and celebration. I'm guessing he's doing this for you and likely sees himself as an already very married man of 38 years. If as you say other things are going on, he may be stressed, but it is worth a sit down conversation about the fact that his behavior was not acceptable. Are finances a concern? It sounds like he's willing to go through the religious aspect but doesn't want any bells and whistles.

    When we were engaged, H was very busy at work and couldn't take too much time off but he toured venues, was involved in choosing the band and the menu and with the table arrangements for his side of the family. Everything else was planned by me and my parents.

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  • K
    Katlyn ·
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    I'm sorry your groom isn't as into the planning as you'd hoped, but I agree with the last reply about him exploding over the cake - that's really not okay and a discussion should be had about that. Has he said if there are any details that are important to him? He might take more of an interest in those specific areas.


    My FH and I are very early in our planning but I've been really happy with his involvement so far! We knocked out our guest list and agreed on the style/feel we want for our wedding right away. He's researched venues a little with me, but he's not as anxious as I am about them booking up. I think he thinks I'm exaggerating when I say a lot of couples book over a year in advance! I'm just happy that he'll sit and look at my favorites with me and tell me what he thinks and we'll be doing the tours together. He also went to a bridal expo with me which really surprised me! He's really excited to do menu tastings and sample cakes. He doesn't really care about the florals and decor, but those are things I really enjoy so I don't mind doing the majority of that.
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  • Bird
    Super June 2021
    Bird ·
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    I think this might be a “know your husband” kind of thing. I know when my husband gets upset he tends to become quiet and doesn’t want to talk. He needs time to process his feelings (as I do too!). Everybody reacts to stress differently. Maybe what you’re describing is how he reacts to stress. You can work on how to notice these signs and then give him space when he needs it.



    I think you should explain to your husband that this convalidation is important to you and you would love his input on xyz. Give him time to process it and hopefully he will come back and say that he’s comfortable with x and y but not z, etc and you can have a healthy conversation about it all.

    During my own wedding planning I personally did NOT want xyz and then when I shared this with my man he was like what? I absolutely think we NEED xyz. So we had to make compromises. I was surprised at how adamant he was about certain things. I told him I wasn’t capable of planning it all on my own if we were going to include these things so he said he would do it. We divided and conquered. I probably took care of 50 little things and 3 big things. He probably took care of 5 bigs things. I enjoyed the little things though. I’m really proud of how we worked together and I’m so grateful for how we helped eachother have a beautiful wedding.

    Now good luck on yours! It will be fabulous.
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  • Theresa
    Just Said Yes October 2024
    Theresa ·
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    I’m basically doing all the planning and booking. I will ask his opinion on things, but he’s ok with what I choose. He did choose his wedding band if that counts lol
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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    Thanks, and yes, I do feel better, I guess. I know wedding planning isn't a "man thing". I objected to him about the word "obsessed". As I said, I mentioned about 5 things to him in the past 5 months. I wanted to keep him in the loop without overwhelming him with details.

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    At least he was involved about the things he cared about, and that's good! I hope he doesn't mind the teasing, lol!

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    That's a good idea! I am trying not to overwhelm him - he's had other things on his mind too, I know. And, the details aren't about choices here. It's a simple ceremony. I think he may have wanted to choose the restaurant for dinner but our friends are hosting the dinner at a place where we've enjoyed the fabulous food and the elegant atmosphere, so he should be happy about that, and quite frankly I wanted this place too. Our original wedding restaurant would have been nice - it was very elegant, fabulous food as well, in a 250 year old Dutch farmhouse turned restaurant/wedding venue, but it closed last year just after we had our wedding anniversary dinner there. He has 1 brand new suit and he always lets me choose his dress clothes. My longtime (retired baker) girl friend who has made fabulous cakes for us for 35 years is making the cake and will deliver it to the restaurant. When we meet the priest this weekend, he may have some input but again, details are simple, a short ceremony that is prescribed by the Catholic Church. The choir is singing the regular hymns and I chose 2 more pieces - a version of Psalm 118 that we often sing, and Schubert's Ave Maria without which no Catholic wedding is complete. And, he doesn't seem to want to be consulted about anything else, but then there isn't anything else.

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    You are pretty much correct - it's as I see this too. You are right - he is doing it for me and he does see himself as just that. We did have a sit down conversation and I assured him that this ceremony is necessary for me and not just something my BFF/MOH are doing just for the fun of it. And I did promise to keep it simple. I want it that way too. Few people know about this. The only people at church that know besides the clergy are the choir members, who would be singing that Sunday anyway. Finances are of course always a concern but by me. He hasn't questioned it at all. The dinner is for the 8 of us: priest, MOH and husband, our son and his 2 kids, and the two of us, and it's a gift from MOH and her husband who have been very kind and supportive to us in many ways. It would have been ungracious not to accept. The cake is a gift from one of my oldest girl friends who is a professional baker, now retired, and whose cakes have graced our family occasions for 35 years. It's the same type of cake we had when we got married. I spent about $160 on a new shirt and ties for him, which he needs anyway; he has a brand new suit he himself had made last year. My entire wedding ensemble cost less than $200. We are using our original wedding rings; mine needs a little enlarging, his was never engraved so I'll have that done. The largest expense will be the flowers (1 small bouquet, 1 corsage, 3 boutonnieres and a bouquet for the church) and honeymoon; the florist is a good friend that we both use, and he has helped plan our trip.

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    That's good advice, thanks! I have already explained, and he does know, how important it is, but it's also necessary for me, being Catholic. I also emailed him excerpts from Catholic sources about the Sacraments and why they are important. I promised him I'd keep it simple, and I have. I want it simple too. And because the details are few, there aren't many opportunities for choices. The church is where I attend and am active. The restaurant dinner and cake are gifts from closest friends. We are having our meeting with the priest this weekend and I'm hoping that he'll understand better and feel more involved. I've kept expenses to bare minimums - I haven't spent $500 yet! (That includes my outfit, his new shirt and ties, and outfits for the grandkids). Except for a donation to the church, flowers (he approves of the florist - it's a mutual friend from church) and the honeymoon, which he has helped plan, that's it.

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    Thanks, and I tend to agree. And we have had an additional discussion. There are few moving parts to our "wedding" so not many choices to be made, but he's been offered input. He said keep it quiet and simple and I have agreed and honored that. I wish you luck with your planning - it seems your FH is happy to participate. I know that the men aren't big into these kinds of details but he seems to know what he wants to help with and what to leave to you. Good luck!!

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    I think it's great that he involved himself to that extent! I wasn't expecting that here, but then there are very few "moving parts" to our particular celebration. The ceremony is required because I'm Roman Catholic (he isn't). He wanted it quiet and simple and that's fine with me, I'm honoring that. The cake and the wedding dinner are gifts from our friends. The expenses thus far are, and will be, minimal. The florist is a mutual choice, and he got very into planning the honeymoon, which I encouraged.

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    I think it's great that your guy is involved to that extent, even if he and his buddies don't always get the info straight, lol! I guess I wanted him to be excited as well - especially as, when the annulment came through, he got me a beautiful and especially appropriate card, a lovely bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne! But you are, I think, correct about this ceremony - it's what I want and what the Church requires, and yes, he is happy to do it. And you are correct, it's not a vow renewal - it is a marriage ceremony, a reception of a Holy Sacrament (upon us both, btw, as we are both baptized Christians) but I think you stated the rest of it well. Thank you! And good luck!

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  • MrsC
    Devoted June 2023
    MrsC ·
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    I am hoping that as we get closer, he may begin to feel more comfortable about the whole thing, even though it will be quiet and simple as he wished and I promised - because I agree. We are meeting this weekend with the priest so he'll have to talk about it. I actually remember when we first got married and spoke to the minister who performed the ceremony, he had concerns about a few things and the minister was kind and assured him all would be well. He knows our priest and they get along fine so I'm hoping he'll feel perhaps more involved after the meeting. I'm sure he knows my BFF/MOH and I (we've been like 2 -20 year olds, giggling and teasing about the honeymoon!! and having fun obsessing over the right shoes!! And we're in our 70's!!) have been discussing the plans, such as they are (our celebration has way fewer "moving parts" than the weddings being planned here) but I wanted to keep him in the loop and discuss things too, and he seems unwilling to listen or talk about it. Although one day, he did joke about it, saying something like: you mean we're not legally married and I can still escape? So I joked back that we have always been legally married and if wants to escape, it will legally cost him a fortune! BTW, I am very impressed that your groom is helping choose bridesmaid colors!! How cool is that!! If I asked him for that kind of opinion, he'd say, as he always does, "whatever your want, Ma."

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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I disagree. Weddings and commitment aren't woman or man- only things. That's old thinking where the bride's parents pay for weddings and they're barely out of school. Every husband or male friend I know has active involvement in their wedding because: 1) they want to throw a good party, 2) they're committed to being an equal partner and voice in their marriage, and 3) because they're also paying with their own money. To relegate a woman's- only domain to matters of Marriage and family, society "permits" womensand thereby, anything else she buys herself if silly and selfish.
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