How Involved Are Your Grooms in the wedding planning?

Oops cut off my edit... (Limiting women's realms to marriage and family) only *Permits women to be involved in matters when it involves others and thereby any money and time spent just for herself is seen as selfish and silly. If the cake incident is unusual, then talk to your husband. If it is typical in your marriage, demand to be heard.

View Quoted Comment

We are not that "chauvinist", especially me. We are pretty traditional folks, but believe there is nothing wrong at all, and actually a necessity, with men caring for kids, cooking, doing housework and laundry. I believe, and I am this way, that women should learn to maintain a car, mow a lawn, use tools and do simple repairs, earn and manage money, etc. Our families were this way, and our son is - he is a Marine combat veteran but he can cook, clean, take care of his young children and decorate his home better than many women. So, traditional roles has nothing to do with it, IMO, it's just that typically, men don't seem to be interested in the kind of details and planning that go into a wedding. Many men are. I'm trying to figure out why my "groom" is NOT involving himself. We did have a good meeting with the priest, and we discussed some details afterwards, and I am pleased that he got right with his 2 friends who we need to sign affidavits for the priest because my husband's baptismal records were lost in major flooding here during Superstorm Sandy - and btw, the 2 friends were more than happy to help. The cake incident was unusual and yes, I did sit him down and I did demand to be heard. And although we haven't spoken much since about the wedding, mostly because he's worked very late every night this week, he seems less resistant. And, btw, before he arrived at the meeting with the priest, I was already there because I'd sung at Mass just before the meeting. So, I told the priest about all this. He didn't get a chance to say anything because just then my husband arrived. But afterwards, we did discuss the ceremony as well as the venue and the cake and I'm hoping he's now on board.

The most mine got involved with was the selection of his ring. Otherwise I kept getting "I don't care baby, this is all about you.." Which kind of drives me nuts, but at least he follows it with an "as long as I have you, I'm happy." He doesn't like talking about it, and he stresses about funds, but he seems pleased with all of the little aspects of "us" that I have in there. I've learned to just do my own thing and not stress him out about any of it. He seems happy with all of the consideration I put into it for his comfort and likes, so I'm good.

View Quoted Comment

OK, so that seems fairly normal, and it seems he is happy to leave the fine details to you, and you've included his likes and comforts in the planning - sounds about right. I know some grooms would put more into it, some less, also fine. For a while, my "groom" didn't seem to want to talk about it at all. After we had our meeting with our priest, he was less aloof, less hesitant to at least hear about the plans - and I didn't burden him with much at all. He was very reactive when the priest needed more input from his 2 close friends from town because he is not Catholic and his baptism and other church records were destroyed in Superstorm Sandy flooding here. (He needed 2 childhood friends to attest that he was free to marry and had been baptized. No problem there, the 2 guys were quick to help.) Everything is in place now, pretty much. All that needs doing is getting his suit tailored because he lost about 20 lbs, and making sure our son can be here in time. My ring needs to be slightly enlarged and his needs to be engraved - we didn't have his done back in 1985. Also my engagement ring needs work. I even assured him I hadn't spent much - barely $400 for my bridal outfit, new shirt and tie for him, a MOH gift, favors - we only needed 4, and new clothes for our young grandchildren. So, he finally seems to be on board. He wanted quiet and simple and that's what we're doing.

PS: Since, my husband has become much easier to talk to about our wedding & honeymoon plans. I took care of the fine details: I ordered the cake, being made by a girlfriend who is also a professional baker in her own business. I gave her our Precious Moments Bride & Groom figurine that topped our original wedding cake . I got some simple but sweet (and inexpensive) favors for the guests - gold and ivory crosses with our names and the "love never fails" quote from St Paul, and personalized bride and groom heart-shaped magnets. I'll make up gift bags, and probably add chocolate kisses). I bought gifts: for our Best Man/our son - a pair of vintage Tiffany sterling cuff links which I know he will love. For our Matron of Honor/my closest, dearest friend - a genuine pearl and silver set of Rosary beads with a little monogrammed charm attached, in a silver plate case with a thank you message and our names engraved on the lid. I arranged for the flowers - a small rose bouquet for me, a corsage for the MOH, a rose boutonniere for him, rosebud boutonnieres for our son and MOH's hubby who is also a dear friend, also usher and photographer; a little flower basket for our 9 year old granddaughter and an altar bouquet for the church. I bought outfits and had them sent to our son for our grandkids. We discussed our trip; I'd already made reservations in a couple of places, but he made a great suggestion so I changed the reservations. We're not leaving til the day after the wedding so I reserved a room, with a buffet breakfast the next morning, (and got a great deal!) for the "wedding night" - after our wedding dinner, at a hotel nearby that's also near the highway we'll take to get to our honeymoon destination, about 3 hours drive away. Our son, who lives 5 states away, and his 2 kids will be staying in our house with us, and mind the house and dog while we're away. I consulted with the organist/music & choir director about music, which was easy because she's also my MOH and I've been in her choir at church for 15 years. All that's left to do is he must have his suit altered a bit as he'd lost some weight, and buy new shoes. We arranged to do that next week. I don't know how or why he's become more amenable, and if I didn't know better, I'd say he'd been talking to someone - my friend, the priest? My friend - not likely. The priest, who knew he was being difficult? Maybe. His boss who is also a good friend - quite possibly. Whatever it is, he's finally on board and seems to be enjoying himself, and that's what's important.

View Quoted Comment

I'm happy for you that everything is coming along. But, why didn't he book your accommodations, decide on his BM/ son's gift? He can still work on personalizing the gift bags with you. I hope your Groom takes some ownership and just doesn't go along with the ride. Just because he's not grumpy doesn't mean he's in it. I wish you the best. And perhaps my current situation colors my lenses as my husband, couples counselor, and I are discussing why I do plan and he must add his 2 cents of critique on things he doesn't care about. It takes out the joy and team spirit out of relationships.... Best wishes, Bride!

View Quoted Comment

Thanks for your reply! All good questions. Here are a few things that may explain his reactions: First of all, we are having a Catholic convalidation wedding ceremony. When we were married 38 years ago, we had a small and very sweet church wedding, a champagne, hors d'oeuvres and wedding cake reception in the church hall afterwards, and a small wedding dinner an a very elegant restaurant. However, I am Roman Catholic and had been previously married. I have only just recently gotten a church annulment of the first marriage which is why we're having this wedding now in my Catholic church. However, my husband is not Catholic, and although he is a baptized Christian, he's not quite so devout as I. I am very active at church as a choir member, soloist, and lector, and he is supportive, but he doesn't take part, though he will attend on a special occasion if I ask. He is also still working - his job is demanding, often requires long hours and working nights or weekends. He is also a board member and active participant in a museum in CT (we're in NJ) I am retired, and although I was very active in a women's a capella chorus for many years, I gave it up for some health and other reasons. I take care of most of the "business end" here - paying bills & banking, making plans, dinner reservations, even ordering pizza! Most of our decisions, especially major ones, are made jointly but he leaves the smaller details to me. He also asked that this wedding be kept low-key - he is like that. (Our son, our Dads and my brother were like that too.) And I was all for that. But there were still the details that I wanted to share with him. He had his mind on other things - not the least of which are some major home improvements here. But I am happy to say that although he's just not the type to be into the details of cake, flowers, gifts (I knew what our son liked and I did tell him I got cufflinks; the MOH gift was entirely personal between her and me) or gift bags (I only need to prepare 4 or 5) he has chimed in enthusiastically about our trip, has made many good suggestions, and has not balked at my planning or questioned any expenditures - which he knows I would have kept to a reasonable minimum. In these things, I know he trusts my judgement. At first, yes, he was just along for the ride and "grumpy", but he since dropped the grumpy, and has taken ownership of the trip if nothing else, and I am content. He didn't grow up in a world of these kinds of events and details, having very little family (none of which are left) and no sisters - he's an only child. I still have a very large circle of family and friends and have been going to weddings, showers, and parties of all types since I was a little kid. I am the kind that likes to plan and share details, and he just isn't, it's how we are. I don't have any immediate family anymore (we are 60-somethings) but my MOH and I are like sisters so I have her to help me and she's terrific. Good luck to you, fellow Bride! Thanks for your comments!

We made most decisions together. There were some things he had a strong opinion on, such as food/bar/music, and others where he didn’t have any interest such as related to the dress or bridesmaids.

View Quoted Comment

Now that makes sense to me. I realize that some men, even some women, are not detail-oriented in matters of "party-planning". I come from a very detail oriented family - about everything! Maybe a little too much at times, but our family celebrations, while not always elaborate, were nicely done - lovely, classy, elegant. I'm no "bridezilla" by any stretch, I just wanted the groom to be involved in what is very a very small, simple, but important event. And while I didn't expect him to be interested in any of the "female type" details, like my dress, the flowers, table decor, or even the cake, I expected to at least be able to share the planning with him. Clearly he didn't want involvement and I've come to realize that while the fine details don't interest him, he trusts me to take care of them to everyone's satisfaction., including his. He has had plenty of valuable input about our honeymoon trip and for that I am thankful! And lately, he's been very calm and agreeable about everything.

Grooms usually don’t want to be involved and just want us to plan the day that would make us the happiest! I have seen some grooms who want to participate and to be honest the girlfriend of mind always wish it was the opposite because they have to compromise so much.

View Quoted Comment There's no "usually" in 2023.


I'm shocked by all these gender-based excuses brides have for their either incompetent, lazy or manipulative grooms (in hetero normative couples). The only theory where this might be expected is if the parents were paying for the wedding and neither Bride or Groom are financially responsible adults. But, that's not the case today as couples are older and pay for their own weddings. Who invests in something without having a say? If you go into marriage expecting inequality, that's how it will end. Don't be surprised.
In the OP's case, they're already married and this is a religious ceremony, so her reasonings are her own. But, yeah she's still upset about it.

View Quoted Comment If inequality is equivalent to my fiancé to not picking out the centerpieces. I’m ok!


I don’t know OP nor the extremities of her guy not participating so couldn’t elaborate more.
Mine helped with food, drinks, venue visits and selection, etc but everything else he let me choose because I love party planning.
Ask more questions if it’s that serious for you! Happy typing today.

View Quoted Comment

Hi, Meghan and thanks! I was concerned because my groom (husband of 38 years - we had the Catholic wedding ceremony we couldn't have back then) seemed totally disinterested in the planning. He only asked that I keep it simple, which I did. (We didn't actually "invite" anyone, only the family and friends directly involved knew in advance. The ceremony was held during our church's regular 10AM Sunday choir Mass.) But when he "exploded" when I mentioned the cake, I got concerned. Later we talked and he said he trusted me with the details, and I was OK with that. He even made great suggestions about our "honeymoon". Btw, I'm Catholic, he isn't but he was willing to go along for my sake, and I'd explained I wanted this not just for me but for US. PS: our day, 3 weeks ago, was perfect in every way! Even the weather cooperated! And my bridegroom seems pleased, happy, involved and relaxed.

We exchanged our original rings, and the cake topper was on our original wedding cake. The dinner was a gift from the Matron of Honor (my best friend, also our choir director, organist and soloist for a special hymn I requested) and her hubby; flowers, and cake, were all gifts as well. Our son was Best Man and his kids participated in the ceremony as well. Afterward, we had a honeymoon, which we never had 38 years ago.

View Quoted Comment I didn't ask you any questions. But, I will now. What is your argument? You just added your spouse was participatory in your planning, but your first response was men "usually" don't want to be involved. ?? Overgeneralizing a group of people doesn't quite work as it Always comes off as stereotypical and ignorant. My response was to the many WW brides who give a pass to their partners saying they are busy with more important jobs while they, the planners, suffer stressed in silence. Any comment or expectation for more demonizes them into a Bridezilla. Yawn.

View Quoted Comment

My question, not argument, was to get a concensus of the brides and whether or not their grooms were involved to any extent in the wedding planning. I was concerned because A. my husband, beyond asking for quiet and simple, had no desire to be involved in the plans. B. I felt I should at least keep him in the loop and when I mentioned a cake, he called me obsessed. Weeks later, we finally had a discussion about the planning. He was much calmer and said he trusted the details to me. And I was fine with that. After that, I didn't discuss anything else except what directly involved him: times and dates that involved him, such as the meeting with the priest; getting his suit tailored in time due to weight loss, schedule for the day itself. Oddly enough, and I guess because he did trust me with details, he didn't even ask about the costs, which were minimal, and, as it turned out, the cake and all the flowers, were gifts from the friends who provided them. He already knew the dinner was a gift from our MOH and her hubby. And he had some great ideas about the "honeymoon" which I implemented. PS: the day was perfect! Everything was beautiful: the ceremony, music, flowers, photos, dinner, cake, even the weather! Everyone looked wonderful which the photos captured. My husband was relaxed and involved. And our honeymoon, 3 days in PA Dutch country, was very nice indeed.

That comment wasn't to you, Mrs. C. It was for Meghan who wrote, "ask more questions". She didn't make sense at all.


Your original post went out to other brides and the response was, we expect more say from our grooms/ partners. Many take equal part in decision-making. Some want to work on specific vendors only. All brides want a level of respect from our partners. I wonder if some differences you encountered were generational, and/or because you are already married. I'm glad you had a perfect day.

View Quoted Comment

Oh, OK, thank you. We did have a wonderful day and Mr. C was involved and that's all that mattered. Thanks again!

I don’t know, I know plenty of men who are very engaged in their wedding planning ATM. I think it just depends on if it’s something the particular man has been raised to believe is significant or if they just have any significant opinions on it. I’m gay, so I can’t exactly say my “groom” was involved, but she wasn’t as interested in tiny details as I was because she’s prone to stressing out, so basically I ran everything past her for a yay/nay but otherwise mostly planned the whole thing myself.