How do you uninvite a bridesmaid?

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You are not the arbiter of what she "should" be able to do in her life, and frankly what she "should" be able to doesn't matter at all. What matters is what is. All she has to do is be able to get to your wedding itself - she doesn't need to be able to afford to travel to your state multiple times, and the fact that you expect her to do so when you know that she has financial issues doesn't portray you as a good friend. She decides what she can afford, not you.

I would ask her if she still WANTS to be your bridesmaid. Start there if you want to salvage a friendship at the end of this. I know if I was the BM in question and saw how you feel about me, I wouldn't want to waste another ounce of time on the wedding... calling out someone who doesn't live their life the way you do and deeming it financially irresponsible or diminishing ones responsibilities or struggles because of their living situations is gross.

She isn't obligated to attend any of these extra events with the exception of a bachelorette party, especially if she doesn't live near you/pandemic. Having multiple showers and pre-wedding parties isn't financially feasible for A LOT of folks, not just those who live with their parents or spend money in a way you deem irresponsible.

View Quoted Comment This is incorrect. The bridesmaid duties are to: 1. Buy a dress, and 2. Attend the wedding


If I were her and was being asked to do all this stuff, I probably would have voluntarily dropped out

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Like I said in other comments, my opinions and expectations are different. I've always believed they are there through the process as well not just day of.

I have no issues with any of my other friends or bridesmaids we all have the same idea and are on the same page.

View Quoted Comment But your opinions and expectations are objectively wrong. That is the problem. You are in the wrong. And you are risking ruining a relationship because of it. This is no way to treat your best friends.


Did you give your girls this list when you asked them? Did they know they were signing up for this amount of time and money?

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Again I appreciate the opinion, my expectations and opinions on what a bridesmaid should be.

I'm not condemning her for being able to survive and pay her bills. There's a lot of back story there on why I get so upset with her when she complains constantly about money but then does all this other stuff and spends a ton of money unnecessarily then complains about money to me.

She didn't come to either shower. I had 2 showers cause my family is in 1 state and my fiances in another so no one had to travel but myself. My bridesmaids didn't go to both, they went to the one that was in their state.

I'm less upset she can't attend the events, I get that. Pandemic and it's expensive. I'm more upset with the lack of care or support from a friend during this entire wedding planning. process.

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It's wrong to you and others who think differently. This is how my and my friends all grew up and talking about weddings and the expectations and duties. I have talked to them and we all were on the same page. They all also have the same expectations I do come their wedding, including her.

I'm less upset about the not coming to events, and more the lack of support from my friend during this entire process.

I have 0 problem with the others about the time and money because they all understand and have the same expectations back.

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I never asked her to go to the showers. We agreed she couldn't and decided that she'd still come to the bachelorette.

I switched my wedding day for her to be more convenient for her to come because her brothers wedding is now the same year as mine. I moved my wedding to the week after her brothers so she will only need to fly once to make it easier for her.

View Quoted Comment No, it is just wrong.


Before I was engaged, I had similar expectations. Not because these expectations are realistic, but because I saw them in movies. It took me about a week to recognize that these expectations are unrealistic.
Your bridesmaids accepted because they love you, but they have their own lives, and those lives don't revolve around your wedding.
Also, your other girls might be going along, but they might not be happy. My cousin was a bridesmaid for a bride like you and did the stuff, but she said after she would never be a bridesmaid again because of how expensive and time consuming it was. Is that how you want your girls to feel?
Seriously take it down a notch. You are in the wrong and you're doing damage to relationships.

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My shower was at my parents house that my mom threw, they just showed up. I get they don't revolve around my wedding, I've barley talked about it to any of them. The only time I talk to them about it is giving them the new dates because I've had to push it back twice. Other than that I have It's not time consuming because I don't bother them with any of it and I live out of state. I've been planning it all myself. I wasn't worried about the showers we discussed that. I didn't have any of them travel out of state for the showers cause I had them in both.

My bridesmaids and friends now planning my bachelorette I am helping plan as a group.

View Quoted Comment If you're not asking anything of your girls, what is the problem?

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I agree with this for the most part. Friend groups are different so we can't lump this expectation, or lack there of, to everyone. My bridal party has pretty literally taken turns being in each other's weddings - and we've all been extremely helpful in planning things for each other. No, your friend's worlds do not stop turning when you get married, and it's no one's job but yours and your fiancé's to plan your wedding. But from my perspective, it would be really weird if my MOH and bridesmaids didn't do these things for me - NOT that it's a given expectation, but for me, it would be really strange.

I think the OP has an extremely high standard for her bridesmaids, and will probably end with either damaged or ended friendships - so I totally agree, we need to take it down a notch. But I also think these 'expectations' that people are talking about all over WW are hard to give this one generic opinion to. Because the "standard" will vary depending on the friend group.

If I was the first one to get married in my group, I wouldn't expect much from my bridesmaids. But after seeing things be done a certain way with my friends, I do now have the expectation because that's what we all do for each other - honestly with weddings, birthdays, anything. There's nothing necessarily wrong with it - it's just MY group and how we are with one another.

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How exactly is she showing a lack of care or support?

There's nothing wrong about your feelings.
I'm not gonna judge you about uninviting her but I'm afraid there is no ni ce way to fire her, her feelings will be hurt no matter what.
Unless, if you're "lucky", she secretly hopes you kick her out.

Yes.... way overdramatic with unrealistic expectations. Please set her free! I’m sure she’d be much happier.

Bridesmaid, MOH, Groomsmen, and BM typically do not travel more than an hour or possibly 2, and only if very low cost, to showers, engagement parties, or bach distant from them. My 4 were at a distance, 3 in states near NYC, and 1 in Greenland, my entire 5 month engagement in NH. Friends groups in 2 locations 3 hours apart, and a friends amnd familly grroup near my hometown gave small showers. 3 Bridesmaids were guests at my MIL NYC shower, the only people I had met more than twice except FMIL ( 4x). But they were great bridesmaids. They picked their dresses and sent me photos, and we talked on the phone and wrote letters as we usually do as friends. And they and SO and kids came a day early and spent
4 days, with us paying lodgings. They were there for the wedding. TV and websites have blown up people's expectations. Unless you are among the rich, people do not layout $200 to travel to and from parties, or spend more than 3 hours on the road for a 3 hour party. Traditionally, the wedding present, and possibly travel, are the only things more costly than than the BM dress. And B&G pay lodgings for WP who must travel. In recent years, brides have stopped paying lodgings at least half the time their attendants come to town for anything wedding, pushed the cost of the average shower from $200 homestyle or under $500 in a restaurant, to $200 to $600 at home and $600- $2000 or more for a shower, with drinks sometimes added, no more just coffee and tea. And have gone from expecting$100 to maybe$200 for an evening out bachelorette, to something nuts if you do mini vacations. ... I just got invited to what sounds like a lovely bachelorette, 2 hrs drive. but $200 a night 2 nights, a $250 each 2 hour balloon ride, and afternoon of guided whitewater ( $235 each) and concert tickets ( 75 plus tax and fees) plus food and the brides share. It is lovely, but $900 plus meals but way out of proportion for an "Expectation" that happens to go along with standing up as someone's Bridesmaid. 🙂 You knew she lived many states away when you asked her, and should not have expected she would travel for 3 hour parties. She has a whole life to lead, outside of bring your bridesmaid. It is none of your business if she spends money with other friends, elsewhere, like Disney. If she is coming and staying at least one night, and getting a gown, hair and makeup or accessories maybe, and a wedding present, that is as much as one friend is entitled to. That will run her at least $500. How many of your friends that you already spend $500 on, would you offer to give another $250 in travel and lodgings, plus a shower gift? You asked her to be bridesmaid. If she gets the dress and comes, she should be. If she thinks the friendship is fading and does not go through with it, she will likely decline. But to drop her, when she has done nothing wrong, nothing that you did not know when you picked her ( lives many states away) , that would be rude, and end any possible friendship even if you ended up living close one day. This is not un-reality TV land, and you are making pre-wedding events more important that the main event.