Honeymoon Fund & Registry

Hi Rachel! As you probably know, this is a hot topic. Honeyfunds are asking for money and they deceive the giver into thinking they've purchased an experience when in fact the couple just gets a cheque minus the processing fee.

In addition traditional registries were originated in order to prevent duplication of gifts. They were seen as a list of demands or "asks". It was to give guests an idea of the couple's tastes and needs for their new home.

See the difference?

The difference in the honeymoon fund and registry is that the guests can actually purchase items for your home versus paying a website to cut you a check and take their fees. The reason the popular vote here is to just have a small registry, is because adults know to bring cash if they choose not to purchase something from your registry. So, essentially, not having a honeymoon fund benefits everyone. Your guests bring you cash if they choose, you don't lose any money by being charged fees from the sites, and they have the option of purchasing physical gifts if they prefer it. It's a win-win for everyone.

@Jacks Okay, that makes perfect sense. So is a honeymoon fund (general cash fund with no masque) considered just as rude? Also, there are plenty of services out there that allow transfer of funds without fees...(Square Cash, PayPal, etc.)

The reason why it is deemed rude is because you are directly asking for money, most adults know how to give cash or checks without a registry or a "cutesy" poem telling them how to do it. Having a honeymoon registry is just plain ridiculous since those websites take a chunk out of the gift and you get the money a few weeks after the wedding. Which would you rather have: $100 or $90? I'd rather have the $100.

The idea of a gift registry is stems from a couple moving in together after they were married and would therefore need a lot for their new home and life together. Generally speaking, people are happy to contribute to a couple's new life together because chances are. Asking for money to fund a sexcation is still fairly rude no matter what cutesy way you try to spin it.

People have explained multiple times why its rude. I'm sure you'll have more explain it to you. Where the animosity comes from is people who continuously ask this question with zero regard to the fact that it has been answered multiple times with reasons listed.

ETA:changed mind

Thank you ladies, I apologize for kicking the hornets nest, but as I said I had seen it mentioned randomly (the forum circulates/refreshes every 30 secs). As I said, both feel rude, but what I received was an alternative perspective and I appreciate it. =)

@Elphaba Ah, didn't know that. I've never met anyone who did a charity fund and I certainly don't plan on doing it myself.

I'm mixed on honeymoon funds. I don't like just writing the check, but my brother had one where we bought experiences for them. A gondola ride, scooter tour in Rome, etc. Honestly, the BM did something in each city and we loved doing it. Other feedback was people like buying them those sort of things. It sold out, but no one gave just cash. They also did have a traditional registry.

Just said it last night:

To answer some questions about money vs registry. My personal take is that a registry is gift, but I find when people ask for money I see it as a "please help pay for my wedding or honeymoon" which indicates to me that they may be throwing a party and hoping their guests help fund it. Same with CASH BAR etc.

If I were giving a gift, it's strictly for a specific use that the couple plans to use long term. Not saying I get to dictate what the couple uses it for but if the couple asks for money upfront then I see it a "please help fund the wedding".

BONUS: If you cannot fill your registry, don't. You don't HAVE to have a registry nor does it have to be huge.

I think it's presumptuous to ask for gifts at all but I got a lot of pressure from guests who kept asking what we wanted so I see why people have them (we still don't). It's true that wedding registries have been around for a long time, but not it's current form (typically listed through the thin veil of a wedding website). It used to be something started in girlhood where your mom and/or aunts would tale you to a department store and pick put your china pattern and heirloom quality goods and you'd acquire them throughout your entire life. Wedding guests would ask around the department store for your registry to help you complete it. The purpose wasn't to prevent duplication so much as the department store would alert you if something became discontinued or on sale etc. As you can see, the registry in its traditional form was a whole lot less gift grabby. To this day it still bothers me a little when I hear brides brag about how they went to a store with a scanner and just tagged everything they see etc. I'm not sure it's all that much better.

Outside of the rude factor for asking for money, there are other looks at it.

This, to me, it just like asking someone to pay for parts or the entire wedding.

My father decided to be generous. Everyone was asking (at family gathering as they always do) the plans for the wedding and after the wedding. This was at Easter so it was still well over 170 days out. I had mentioned that we had booked our honeymoon where we wanted to go at the Sandals resort in Jamaica, Ochi. FH wanted to go there and loved hearing about my experience at Beaches a few years prior. So we booked it. My father, being himself, did not think we had already booked until hearing about it. He was going to try and surprise us with a cruise or something. I had talked to him later that week. He told me he would put up a specific amount for the honeymoon because he wanted to do something nice for us. (he is doing a ton btw, he is paying for a decent portion of the wedding also).

I tell you this story because I think that its important to know that if someone wants to help you with your honeymoon, even some of it, they will. Asking for money for it just doesnt sit right. As others have stated, why pay for your vacation, when I should be contributing for my own family to go on one?

As for the registry, FH and I have lived together for 5 years. We registered for a few upgrades and small things we would like. We did not go crazy with the scanner at the store. There are under 40 items on our registry. We do not need much. Our guests are going to travel to our DW and that is enough for us. However, our families are people that like to buy gifts. They want to have you open a gift, not just money (or they will also drop a card into the card thing). Some couples take the registry thing too far. Some of the items on registries are pipe dreams. They want it but know no one will spend that much money. This still does not equal the tackiness of a honeymoon fund.

If they want to give you money, they will. A honeymoon fund takes a portion of money given. My father would be having a cow if he knew I did that (i didnt). I also find it tacky in some instances where they request money be given by a certain date to ensure the guests can contribute before the honeymoon takes place. That is the epitome of tacky and rude. Not only are people asking for money, they request it is done by a certain date.

Whether or not you feel Honeyfunds are tacky, you should avoid them. They take a percentage of the money you would get.

Why would I want you to get only $80 of the $100 I want to give you?

Also, keep in mind that you often have to pay for your honeymoon in advance and the funds from these honeyfunds are not released until your wedding date.

You don't buy an experience--you give money while paying a fee for the pleasure.

I don't like regular registries either.

I always look at it this way:

When you were a kid and Christmas (if you celebrate) or your birthday were coming up, people always asked you for your wish list. Same idea with a registry. It's just an electronic wish list that allows your guests to check off that an item has been purchased so no duplicates are purchased. Also, the registry is more so for the shower, which someone else throws in your honor. You're not the one asking for gifts to be purchased, the host(ess) is.

Personally, I just don't want to pay for your vacation. We all know exactly what you'll be doing every night! I'd rather give a gift I know will be used and will actually have a use for longer than a week or so. Plus, with a HoneyFund, I feel like it's asking for money AND a gift or asking for $100+ which I'm not always willing to give. As a final addition, after seeing a HoneyFund done and the bride throw a fit over no one wanting to give to her sex vacation to Paris, I never want to give money again.

My feelings:

A traditional registry has items to set up your home. I'm ok with this because if I'm going to get you a shower gift that is for house stuff, I want to get you something you want. I will side eye an unnecessarily expensive registry item (like a $200 butter dish, I'm not even joking) as much as I would a honeymoon registry.

A honeymoon is a vacation that you shouldn't ask to have other people pay for. You aren't entitled to it and I can't even pay to go on a vacation myself, so I'm not paying for yours.

I have no problems with gofundme's for certain things. Like my 23 year old family friend just found out he's going to eventually (within a few years) need a heart transplant. He can't work, his mom died suddenly 4 years ago, and it's just one thing after another for this family. I have no problem giving him money to help him get a new heart. People need those.

I think it's crazy that people believe giving to charity is wrong. I really have everything I need. I did register for some new towels, sheets and frying pans but I let my bridesmaids know that if people don't want to give gifts or would give a monetary or other gift in my name to a charity, I would be thrilled. Putting positivity and good into the world is important.

I don't think there's as much as an issue about charity registries, but I'll say this, not everyone has a lot of disposable income and while it may feel good to dredge up $50 with the intention of giving you something for your new home/life together, they may be more resentful of $50 towards even a non-controversial charity because they just don't have a lot in their lives and may have a serious, pressing need for the money.

When I was a broke college student, we'd cut down on major expenses to afford a wedding gift. Like, even if we had to eat ramen for a week, we'd cough up $50 pp for someone's wedding and be happy to know that it went a ways to making their new life together better in some way.

Would I have been as happy to have ramen for a week to donate it to cancer research? I mean, this is going to sound terrible, but no, I wouldn't have been as happy about it. But I'd still give $50 pp because it is on the couple's behalf and I'd want to give a nice gift so they know I value them and am happy for them.

If you want to donate to charity, why not just use the money gifted to you and donate it yourself?

Is there a reason to ask your guests to donate or broadcast it to them?