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Sarah
Devoted November 2021

Help! My bridesmaid was to dye her hair black and Red??

Sarah, on April 16, 2021 at 7:12 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 107
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My bridesmaid just informed me casually that her hair will be BLACK AND RED for my wedding. Like harley quinn colors. My colors are forest green and gold and I've asked everyone to wear a neutral makeup color palette. I didn't think I had to request neutral hair colors!


I guess it just bothers me that she didn't think to ask. She just said "oh, by the way...."
My wedding is in November. She's going to be getting her hair dyed for the wedding anyway...
Do you think it's unreasonable for me to ask her have her hair a natural color for the wedding? Would that make me evil bridezilla?
I just don't want all my wedding photos to have her hair as the focal point....

107 Comments

Latest activity by Ashlee, on April 26, 2021 at 10:33 AM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    Why would she ask you??? It’s her hair? Yeah, it’s completely unreasonable for you to ask your closest friends to change their appearance for your photos.
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Dedicated August 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag
    If I were in your situation, I'd be pretty upset as well. Crazy colored hair for wedding photos will definitely take the focus off of you and will not look very good. I don't think it's unreasonable to request she wait until after your wedding to do that! She should have been more thoughtful. I understand if she wanted to dye her hair a different natural color, but to dye it black and red before a WEDDING seems inconsiderate.
    • Reply
  • Shelly
    Rockstar January 2022
    Shelly ·
    • Flag

    While I'm all for "their body, their choice", I agree with you...I'd also be caught off guard and upset if my bridesmaid said that to me. I agree with Caytlyn that you shouldn't have your friends change their appearance for your wedding, but in your case she hasn't dyed her hair yet, but has warned you that it will be dyed by the wedding...meaning you wouldn't be asking her to change anything, but instead wait until after to make big changes. I personally don't think it's unreasonable to ask her if she minds waiting until after the wedding. She's waited this long to dye it black and red, what's a few more months wait?

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Absolutely agree with this, she doesn't need to ask permission to change her hair just like she wouldn't need your permission to change anything about her appearance like getting a tattoo in a very visible spot, piercing her lip, stretching her ears, chopping her hair off, gaining a lot of muscle mass, etc, just because she is in your wedding doesn't mean you can dictate what she does with her body. Remember these are people you are close with, you don't want them feel like you are just using them as props in your wedding.
    • Reply
  • E
    Beginner July 2021
    E Maisey ·
    • Flag

    Totally understand why you feel it's going against your theme and might not look that good on the day (edit: by "good" I meant from your perspective, not objectively!), but I think it's unfair to expect people to hold off on doing what they want with their bodies for the sake of other people's weddings. Imagine if she chose garish colours for her wedding and asked you to conform? Wouldn't you feel hurt if it were the other way around? This is your friend! I don't care what my guests look like, dress like, act like, or anything personally, I just care that they're all happy on what's meant to be the happiest day of my life! Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted June 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I can see both sides on this. Here's my big question: does she normally dye her hair non-natural colors? Or is this new / kinda out of left field?? If she likes to experiment with her hair color regularly, I don't think there's much that can be done here (besides asking her to wait until after the wedding, assuming she's currently planning to dye it right before the wedding). If this is odd behavior from her, I might suggest digging a little deeper and asking the rationale behind the change? Perhaps it's something she's always wanted to do....or perhaps it's something deeper?

    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Devoted September 2022
    Courtney ·
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    Disagree entirely. A good photographer will still make the couple the focus.

    Also, I find the particular statement that it won't look very good to be offensive. I have vibrant colored hair, and I plan on having it for my wedding too.

    It's her hair, she's allowed to dye it what she wants. The only time she'll be any focus in a photo is when it just the two of you. And then you should be embracing your friend enjoying her life.

    Regardless of if she's ever done vibrant/wild colors before, it's her body and for all you know she's wanted to do this a long time and finally has the opportunity to do it.

    Let's stop shaming our friends for changing their appearances in ways that will make them happy. I'm sorry it doesn't go with your wedding aesthetic, but she's not a prop. You'll be fine.

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Devoted November 2021
    Sarah ·
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    She started doing sometime last year. I think she's using it to help her cope with the pandemic.
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  • Meghan
    Rockstar October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag

    Though I see why you are upset and concerned about this, I think it is unreasonable to ask your friend to have a certain hair color. It is her hair and she has the right to color it whatever color she pleases. Maybe between now and November she will change her mind.

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Devoted November 2021
    Sarah ·
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    Honestly? If she wanted me to have green and purple hair for her wedding I'd pull out some Manic Panic and make it happen for her. Aesthetics are very important to both of us, which is why I guess I feel a little hurt that she's not honoring mine.
    • Reply
  • E
    Beginner July 2021
    E Maisey ·
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    Gosh to be honest I don't even know if I could do that for someone! Fair enough.

    For what it's worth, what you've just said there is probably the best way to frame it to your friend if you definitely want to bring it up! Just so there's a bit of context and she understands that you'd do it if it were the other way around. Personally I still wouldn't say anything for the sake of your friendship and because I know how much it would hurt me if a friend didn't appreciate the way I looked (especially if I'd made all the effort with the other things like makeup, clothes etc).

    But of course, you're gonna be the best judge of how your friend will react so maybe it's not as big a deal as it seems to some of us on the outside (for example if you guys are used to being blunt/to the point with each other).

    • Reply
  • E
    Expert July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    This is a tough one.

    I agree that she shouldn't have to ask you if she can change her hair color.

    I see your wedding is November 6, so I'm assuming she must be doing it for Halloween?

    I will say that when I was in the industry, I saw my share of wild bridesmaid hair colors - and even an officiant (no joke, a very popular officiant in the area dyed the front of her hair neon turquoise) - and I really don't think it sticks out as much as you might think.

    Some examples:
    https://tinyurl.com/54pxdhxs
    https://tinyurl.com/ye4wekuf
    https://tinyurl.com/8u399zyd

    I'm assuming that it isn't unusual for her to have unnatural hair colors (black and red Harley hair would be quite a statement first choice for someone who doesn't generally dye their hair) so this is part of who she is, and who she is is why she's your bridesmaid, right?

    What kind of relationship do you have and what kind of personality does she have? Is she pretty easygoing? I would just see if she'd be willing to wear her hair in a way that would minimize its prominence. Something that keeps it out of her face like a low pony or a braid would work, possibly even just a headband. I don't think this is an unreasonable request, because there are tons of easy hairstyles that will achieve this.

    My best friend of 25 years has her hair permanently dyed retina-searing purple, and were I having a wedding and she was a bridesmaid, that's exactly what I would do - "can we reel that hair back with a nice braid or something?" Of course this could just be the relationship we have.

    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted June 2021
    Allie ·
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    Oof that's a very difficult one. So it's not her "normal" but maybe her "pandemic normal" kinda? Does she seem to be doing ok otherwise? (I am not asking because of her hair dying per se, but rather a sudden change in her behavior, ostensibly brought on by stress and perhaps a lack of control....just asking if she seems to be doing ok these days...I know the pandemic has affected everyone differently) It would be so much easier if she had come to you like "Hey Sarah, I'm starting to think about my winter look, and I thought I'd give you a vote in the process since your wedding is in November. Which of these three colors/looks would you vote for?" Hmm can you maybe ask a little more about what drew her to the red and black look? And depending on how that goes, maybe she will come to the conclusion that dying her hair black (just black, no red) would accomplish the same goal *and* be a natural hair color....like maybe it's not her natural color, but it is a natural hair color (whereas fire engine red isn't). Yikes this is a touchy one, but you know your friend the best, and you also mentioned that aesthetics are important to both of you, so hopefully you guys can come to a nice middle ground!

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  • A
    Devoted June 2021
    Allie ·
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    This is a great response and a brilliant suggestion!

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  • L
    Lady ·
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    This. Not your head, not your problem.

    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Dedicated August 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    Sorry that you disagree, and as much as I believe women can do what they please with their bodies, I still feel it is very unreasonable to put the bride in this situation. If you want to have crazy hair in your own wedding photos, that's fine. However, you don't need to do that to a friend at their wedding. In all honesty, it takes away from the class and elegance of a wedding and is quite distracting. Why not just wait until after the wedding? It doesn't seem like a big ask. It's not like she's asking a bridesmaid to loose 10 lbs or get plastic surgery.
    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Devoted September 2022
    Courtney ·
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    She already has wild hair. She may not have had it when she was asked but she's been doing it for long enough now that it's unreasonable to ask her otherwise.

    There's nothing wrong with vibrant hair, and I firmly disagree that it takes away from the class and elegance of a wedding.

    Would having one guest with hair like that take away from it? No, it wouldn't. If you wouldn't tell a guest that they couldn't come to your event with their hair colored like that, why do you think it's okay to tell your close friends that just because they'll be photographed a little more?

    This whole wedding culture of everything having to fit a vision is getting out of control, and the bias against vibrant hair hits a particular nerve on me. Vibrant hair is literally an art form, it takes a lot of time and effort to get to it. Changing back to 'natural' hair can take such an emotional toll on people that it's not worth getting into a stink about it.

    ETA: Part of what make me so upset is that having vibrant colored hair has really become part of what I enjoy most in life. When I was forced to color over it for a job I went into a depression for a while because I'd had vibrant hair for so long. It can literally change a person's personality. I went from extremely happy because I had fun bright colors to see everyday, to sad and mopey because I had to go back to my more natural brown hair.

    People who dye their hair do it for a variety of reasons that can be very personal. If they're already coloring their hair with bright pops, asking them to go back to 'normal' or 'natural' can be incredibly offensive and hurtful. If you've never been one to dye your hair these colors you may not understand exactly what it is you're asking.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Super October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    There’s not much you can do about it. People have bodily autonomy.
    It’s a bit eyebrow raising that she has decided to do this for your wedding months away. Is she just trying to get a reaction out of you?
    • Reply
  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
    Would she mind wearing a wig to the ceremony? I have a close friend whose little sister was always dyeing her hair crazy colors, so my friend just had her wear a cute wig. If you go that route though, you will need to pay for the wig. Or maybe you could just request she wear her hair pulled back, which would lessen the impact of the colors. BMs usually stand sideways at the altar, facing a couple. So you can have her standing with just the black side facing out. You could also discreetly ask the photographer to try to mainly pose her at an angle so only one hair color is showing.
    • Reply
  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
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    Not to mention the immense amount of time, money, and damage to their hair to change it back!
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