help...fmil upset over invitations noe my feelings are hurt

You followed proper etiquette. My invites were delayed because we were waiting to hear back from ffil as to if he was going to help. I told fh, my parents are paying for 99% of this wedding and if your dad or mom aren't going to help their names won't go on it according to invitation etiquette.

Don't feel bad. I feel, if you didn't help in any way you shouldn't be acknowledged on the invite.

It just really hurt my feelings and then my dad was like do I need to talk to her. I just don't want our families to be at odds, they haven't even met yet and this isn't really setting the scene really well.

You did the right thing.

Etiquette dictates that the people who pay get listed on the invitation - so what you did was correct. There is no way she should be upset by that!

My mom and dad/step-mom all contributed to the wedding while FH parents did not.

I'm in a rather unique situation in that my step-dad is a complete a@@ so the contribution from my mother did not come from their joint account, but rather her personal "rainy day" fund.

Because of that situation, and they fact that listing 3 sets of parents would take up too much room, we just went with "Together with their parents".

We Did.... "Mr. and Mrs. Brides Parents

request the honor of your presents at the marriage of their daughter

Bride

to

FH

son of Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Parents"

My parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding (venue/caterer/alcohol/dress/etc...) and his parents are paying for a couple things (DJ, Flowers, rehearsal) and they gave us some extra money. So, my parents are actually hosting the event, but even if FH's parents didn't offer anything monetarily, I would've put their names under his out of politeness.

Technically, whoever is hosting the wedding has their name on the invitation regardless of who is paying. My FH's parents gave us some money for the wedding and my parents gave none because they can't afford it. We put all of their names on the invitation because I've heard of stories like yours and I felt like this wasn't a hill I was going to die on, you know? It was more important to me that we try to make everyone happy. Because, really? In ten years, I'm not going to give a rat's ass about the wording on my invitations, but I *will* care about my relationship with my in-laws.

You're absolutely right that you didn't HAVE to put FILs on the invitation. But look at it from her perspective: she probably is really excited to have her son get married and now feels excluded and may think that her friends/family will think that you don't like them because their names aren't on it. None of them will probably actually think that, but she thinks they will. [CONT]

Im sorry, im against the grain here and i have to agree with your FMIL. Me and FH are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, except my dress, and both sets of parents were named on my invitations. It had nothing to do with who paid for it, it had to do with respect for our parents. They raised your FH, and they should get credit for it, ettiquette be screwed. Thats my $.02, take it or leave it. Sorry, just the way i feel about it.

I don't think that you needed to apologize beyond something like, "I'm sorry that you're upset--it wasn't my intetion. I was just following the etiquette rules that I read online." Not anything about being sorry that you followed etiquette.

To help "fix" things since you already sent out the invitations, try to include her in other wedding-related things or ask her opinion on things that you don't care as much about. Maybe just by making her feel included, you can help relieve tension.

I forgot how mine was worded but I was able to get all four names in. His parents are divorced so I am sure my nosy Nigerian family will be intrigued to see Ms. Fmil.

And she may be upset but everyone knows that your fh is her son. That's all that should really matter.

Pardon anything misspelled or crazy looking. I'm on my phone.

We get along very well and I like her a lot. I've been including her in everything. I dont have my mother (she passed about a month after I got engaged) and I explained to her that I was not trying to do anything to be hurtful or with malicious intent but also have to think about my father. I'm his second daughter to get married and he has certain expectations. I just don't want this to have our families looking at us all crazy...mainly my dad looking at her and her husband crazy like.

I think they should have been worded

"Bride's parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Courtney, to FH, son of Groom's Parents." That is how mine were worded, simply out of respect, nothing to do with money. It would have pleased both sets of parents. Sorry but i do think both should have been included.

Future MrsW. wording is the best way to handle situations like this. It still acknowledges his parents but indicated yours are the host.

But if you don't have the time or the budget to correct then don't worry about it. Perhaps have programs for the ceremony and make sure you mention his parents there.

Bah i didn't include our parents at all... that way feelings aren't hurt and so on...

We took the easy way out and wrote "Because your love and friendship have helped us become who we are, we joyfully invite you to share in our celebration of love and commitment. Together we laugh, we dream, we love, and on this day, we marry." Rachel __ and Jeff ___"

My parents are paying for most of it, but FH's parents are paying for rehearsal/flowers, and FH and I are paying for some things as well, luckily my parents aren't super caught up in tradition and liked this wording because it shouldn't be about "presenting" somebody.

I think the least of her concerns should be what the invite says (but I also think people who obsess over invites are crazy...sorry, just not something I was that worried about haha)

ETA: Steph, I'm right there with you! If nobody's names are on there, nobody can be upset. Plus my parents are divorced, so that would have caused a massive invitation listing everyone who contributed

Yes, the plan was for his patents to be in the program. I've never done any wedding planning so I just thought that she knew already the way they should be made.

My feelings would be hurt too. What you did was not intentional. I don't think it was fair for her to make you feel bad. Nevertheless, you apologized and hopefully she will get over it. Put her name on the program.

The bigger problem is that your FH didn't tell her to back off. Or, if he didn't think the wording on the invites was OK, he should have said something before they were ordered.

You definitely followed proper etiquette. Shr feels embarrassed because she doesn't get credit for hosting it. With my wedding we stated together with their parents. My mom and stepdad helped with some very minor things, my dad has paid for my dress and is helping with photographer, fmil is paying for the bulk of the reception and friends have also helped. This is just a little tantrum. Either that or she assumes both sets of parents should be mentioned....even if they aren't doing anything for it. I hope for your sakes she will chill out soon and realize she is in the wrong.

My parents gave us some money (after I sent out invites so I didn't know they were going to, and I have to pay it back) and his parents haven't help at ALL. But I didn't list any parents on the invite.

If she's going to be "embarrassed" when the invites get to her family, is it because it implies she didn't help with the wedding? Well, if she didn't help, there's no reason to acknowledge her as if she did out of "politeness". What's done is done, and she'll get over it.

MrsS, I think that's what hurt her feelings more. Through speaking with her she told me that her basically told her she was overreacting and to get over it. I really like her.