He doesn't feel "ready" anymore

Couples counseling and is there a ligitamate reason if not then maybe he's not ready for marriage yet .but I agree counseling will help you guys sort it out and things and take the next step from there

My FH is 25 and I have no doubts that he's ready....

I definitely agree with the counseling and putting the wedding on hold. To be honest though I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want and kept letting me down. I'm so sorry op!

@StPaulGal - That's kind of rude to call her his "part-time girlfriend" just because they don't live together. Not all couples want to live together before they get married. Doesn't make them "part-time".

Thank you all for your responses. It is actually really comforting knowing I can post on here and get honest third party feedback. I really appreciate it.

I was in the same boat as you are right now. I got engaged 4 years ago. 5 weeks after been engaged and having a date set, he said we should wait a bit. I was confused cause it was him who wanted to get married at the time. So I let it go. A year after we got engage he says hea ready to make the full commitment while I was pregnant with our first child. Long story short after two kids, living together for 4 years, and changinf the date 5times, and some therapy we are finally getting married in 3 months. So yes i do recommend couples therapy

Get your money back asap! He is definitely unsure of marriage . The things he is doing are huge red flags. You can stay engaged and figure things out. There is no embarrassment in a long engagement .... there will be extreme embarrassment for divorcing months after marriage because he was never ready.

@alma I believe your situation was completely different. OP and FH do not live together and there has been no mention of children. Totally different circumstances.

You know him better than we do. Counseling is a good start. It'll help look at what his fears are, what past relationships have been like, etc. it'll help explore all of that for both of you. Postpone planning for the time being is my suggestion. See how counseling goes and go from there.

I've been with FH for 3 yrs. he moved in after a yr. we have been engaged since feb 2016. Having a long engagement has helped. We talked about marriage. Despite loving me and wanting to be with me, my FH had a fear of taking the relationship to the next level (marriage, kids). He didn't have a hard time committing in the sense of being with me. I think marriage freaked him out a tad. He's good now- but I also think the long engagement helped. Best of luck op

Is there any background that you know of for why he would be so hesitant? You should talk to him about postponing the wedding and not rescheduling just yet. He may just need more time, but I would just suggest having an open and honest conversations with him about how he's making you feel. Make sure he knows that you're not trying to put pressure on him and that you just wish to be with him. I know with my FH we were together for almost 10 years before he proposed. Of course I wanted him to propose sooner but I knew he wasn't ready. For him, the idea of having enough money for the wedding, a house, and a family made him very anxious and he wanted to make sure he was financially stable so we didn't start our marriage struggling. We both have family members who are irresponsible with money and I think it scared him to see what they went through. He felt like there were so many expectations for him with getting engaged and he wanted my parents to feel like he could take care of me and approve of the engagement. I knew he was the only many I ever wanted to be with so I gave him the time and when he was ready he proposed. Do I wish he had done it sooner? Of course. But if this is the guy you want to spend your life with then talk with him, find out what's going on, be understanding and supportive, and let him know how you feel about him. The first thing you need to do is find out for sure why he's acting like that.

I might not be in the norm here, but I think it's a huge red flag that you don't live together. I understand that some people have religious reasons but if you're staying over you clearly do not.

Until you live with someone - share bills, cook together, divy up household chores, discuss home improvements, deal with mystery sounds in the night, redecorate, go grocery shopping together, attend family functions together, deal with family/friends' children and/or pets in social settings, see each other sick, do each other's laundry, share closet space. . .

( all the stuff that's NOT FUN about living together)

... you really aren't ready to be married.

Staying over is fun- Sex, cuddling, someone makes breakfast in their underwear. It's not in any way preparing you for the commitment of marriage.

What the hell is up with people who think not living together before marriage is some huge red flag/makes them less of a committed couple?

Some people DO NOT want to do that, for whatever reason, whether it's religious or something else. I know this is modern day, and I am one of those people who lived with my FH before getting engaged, but I don't think that directly correlates with truly being ready for marriage. Would it be easier starting off marriage when you've both played house for any amount of time beforehand? Sure. Is it required to have a successful marriage/to be ready for marriage? No. I know many, many people--and many of them in their 20s and 30s--who chose to wait to live together until they were married and are doing just fine.

OP - If you don't want to live with your FH before marriage, for whatever reason, that's fine and is your own business. It doesn't make you less of a couple, nor will it magically make your marriage more difficult (this whole situation, while I get what #FitzforaKing is saying about learning all the hardships of living together beforehand, is different for every couple). If anything, I feel like sometimes living together beforehand prolongs the engagement due to one or both halves of the couple becoming complacent with their situation. You're already essentially "playing" marriage at that point, so why go beyond it when you're set (to clarify, I personally don't agree with that, but have seen it happen with friends).

Go to counseling and figure out what's bothering your FH and move forward from there. If you guys end up working it out and decide to move in together, then great. But don't feel like you need to; it will not necessarily solve your issues.

Counselling may reveal what his issues are but not necessarily make him anymore receptive. The guy's dragging his feet. Like I posted... Give him back his ring and move on. Your FH should be anxious and excited to marry you, not seated in a counselor's chair trying to figure out why he doesn't want to marry you.

Is scheduling a counselor really the hill you want to die on? Just schedule something; if he doesn't show, you'll have your answer and you can have a one-on-one session that will help you figure out your next move.

@Meagen has a good point. My sister went through something similar recently. She wasn't engaged but had been with a guy for just over two years. They were living together and it had shown some real issues. She told him she needed to go to counseling with him before she would decide whether or not she could stay in the relationship. He agreed and never scheduled it. So she scheduled it and he did not go to his individual session before the first couples session. It showed her where he stood. She left him and has been going on her own.

Couples counseling

Marriage will not solve anything. He won't change. Better to deal with this early before marriage

He sounds like he doesnt know what he wants. Save your money and skip paying a therapist to tell you that. You deserve someone who knows you're IT with 100% certainty.

Okay so my FH and i have been togther five years now. He didnt ask me till we were togther 4 years. Now he did give me a promise ring 3 months after being togther. But when talking about getting married he never really wanted to talk about it. I would really just let go not talk about it and let him decide on his own. But if the topic comes up and he says he is dont keep asking him. To me thats making him always second guess all over again. I wish u all the best and luck to the both of you.

Is he like this in other aspects of his life? Like saying he wants a new car, goes looking, gets prices then backs out? Saying he wants a new job puts out a few resumes but refuses to go on interviews? If he is like that in other areas then it's a him problem-personality thing. If it's ONLY you and the wedding thing... then maybe time apart would be most beneficial. You guys have already done engaged not/want it-don't want it. Maybe split up and then he can see if you are who he wants. I would also be concerned for future of kids. What if he says yes then changes his mind-or worse-leaves after they are born because he changed his mind. It happens.

@OP: I agree with PP, definitely postpone the wedding & schedule the counseling. If FH doesn't show up to counseling, I'd break it off with him. If he shows up & things change, I'd definitely wait a while to get married. The last thing you need is to bring the stresses of a wedding into that situation.