Having a Cash Bar.......Simply must say this!!!

Not saying that jennifer is greedy, it just strikes me as one of those things that get kicked off by a few greedy couples, that then takes on a life of its own and becomes a custom. I double-checked with Miss Manners and Emily Post, and, no "pay for your plate" is NOT, and never has been, an "etiquette rule."

So, if you could kindly read for comprehension instead of deciding it's hammer time, that would be much appreciated.

Lol hammer time

Shannon and Edith....FROM A GUESTS point of view (not a greedy couple's point of view), we want our gifts to the happy couple to help them plant their feet on the ground in their new lives. Many of the couples are just starting out in new homes and with the cost of living being so high (in NJ), we'd rather them make a little extra cash at their wedding. Especially knowing that to have a wedding in the first place, their savings account had to take a beating. We'd like to replenish that a bit.

Shannon: Remember who was doing the insulting and name calling. That isn't an effective way of providing comprehension. How can people help but not get offended when you call them "greedy couples"? I don't think there is an etiquette bible. To each his own.

Shellie: We def are not upper class. I wish! haha. We live in a huge town, but very close knit community so it will be obvious if I wear the same dress to each wedding. Plus, I like to shop! A girl can never have too many shoes!

I am not for sure if someone already said this but you should let them know about the cash bar somewhere else than the website just in case someone doesnt use a computer.

So...how does that work if their parent is paying for their wedding? Can you cut the gift in half or not give one at all?

Pumpkin, I think you can give the gift directly to the parent. But I dunno, I was raised to give an appropriate gift that is within your means, and that it's rude to speculate about the financial situations of others.

Jennifer P you will soon realize which married people/brides have great opinions/advice and which ones don't. If you read other posts from these people a common theme comes up. They know which category they fall in and want to make people as miserable as they are.

Pumpkin and Shannon, in my area and in my social group, what Jennifer is saying is the norm (for us). We do tend to get new clothes, get our hair professionally done and make a full out day of it all too. Myself and others in my circle also try to follow the "pay for your plate" idea. It's not that we do it because it is expected, but just because we consider it a nice thing to do. So yes, I do tend to give a minimum of $200 as a gift and more if they are close friends and/or family. I don't think that Jennifer was saying this HAS to be done but just that in her circle, as in mine, that's what we do.

That all being said, you give what you can afford and even if that means nothing, a lovely card is perfectly fine.

As for if the parents pay for the wedding, the parents are paying as a tribute to their child so the gift in question still is given to the bride and groom.

Stephanie RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is all

OH wait no its not all.... SHANNON.....

I am not nor have I ever been GREEDY at all. I am thankful for whatever I have and if you were smarter then the average snark then you would have been around to others profiles and see that greed nor taking ANYTHING for granted AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

It really all depends on your relationship with the couple. We would never not give one, but honestly I never know who is paying for it anyway. We just try to be generous with our gifts.

"That all being said, you give what you can afford and even if that means nothing, a lovely card is perfectly fine."

This is how I feel about it overall. If I were to go to a wedding this weekend, there is no way I could afford to give $200. Maybe not even $50. But I don't think I should be made to feel bad about that because I'm sure they didn't invite me so I will pay for their wedding.

Jennifer...I agree. It is how we do things as well. There is no ettiquette rule, but it is how we are raised. It isn't right or wrong, it's just "our way". It doesn't matter who is paying for the wedding. The gift is to help the young couple with whatever they see fit.

We are on e ring alert for my 24 year old. Her wedding will be sometime in 2012. The ex is footing the bill, as it is his pleasure as father of the bride. As it was my father's pleasure when I married him. It is not something taken for granted. It is something earned for doing the right thing(as our family's see it) Initial research for pricing on her venue of choice, starts at $100 per head. However, it is an all inclusive venue that offers a great many upgrades that cost $ Will my daughter be on a budget? I don't know as we have not gotten that far in the conversation.

Again, there is no right or wrong, it is just how we do things.

Jennifer P we've always done the "pay for your plate" thing as well. It must be a regional thing, we usually give $200-300 to the couple. But also all weddings I go to have open bars so maybe that's the difference. And (I'm embarrassed to say) I usually look online to see how much the couple pays per plate by going on their venues website so I know roughly what to give. Heck, even the bridal shower I went to last weekend was over $40 per plate plus unlimited wine and I felt guilty that I only paid $70 for the gift from both my daughter and I. And we are certainly not wealthy people at all!

THANK YOU GIRLS! I never thought I'd get attacked for being generous! I think of myself as far from greedy. I'm trying to go above and beyond to make our day more than just about us as a couple. It is about our families becoming one as well as our friends, and that is reason for celebration for everyone.

Shannon: you make it sound like we sit with pen and paper and calculate their budget, along with their income and total cost of the day. We know where the wedding is being held and just come up with a number. Its our guideline. Obviously we would not give up our mortgage payment, but we give what we can afford. I would, however, NEVER be upset if someone couldn't afford to cover their plate. I would be heartbroken if my grandmother gave me a lot of money knowing she doesnt have it. I would be happy enough with her just showing up. (although knowing we are getting married, she has probably started saving.) PS..You dont give the gift to the parents. They aren't getting married.

I never ever heard of a cash bar until I was here on WW.

I grew up in the catering industry in NY/NJ and it just was NOT done. If you are hosting a party you really wouldn't expect that your friends would have to pay for their own drinks, but again, that's regional.

That being said, I think that if many of us look at the economy, a cash bar can also be something that has started to evolve since the economy started to tank.

99.9% of my friends don't drink due to religious choices. Being LDS, it just isn't something that we would even have to consider. When I was planning my wedding for a Friday Luncheon having an open bar was never even considered, knowing that no one would even drink either being LDS or at a Luncheon it just wasn't necessary.

Cavan - I do that too (try to find out what the plate amount is). I am glad I am not the only one ha ha!

Edith - I have those days too! I don't think anyone meant you SHOULD do it and you should never feel bad because you can't afford a large gift.

I remember my mom always telling me that for her wedding, a family of 6 came and she got a can opener inside the envelope --- just a simple hand opener. The funny thing is, out of all the gifts she received, that's the one she remembers and she says, not because it was a cheap gift but because those people wanted to come and could only afford a simple gift but they gave something.

Jennifer, I don't think anyone meant to attack you for being generous (or maybe they did, but I don't know) because that is certainly a wonderful thing. If you can afford to give $200 for every wedding you go to that is great and very nice of you! I just think people get on the defensive when people make it sound like you SHOULD give this much, because if you can't afford to give that much there is nothing wrong with that either and it certainly should not be expected by the bride and groom to get anything.

Edith...You don't need to feel bad. That isn't the point at all.

Edith....I NEVER said it HAS to be done. I said it is what I've always known, and done (regional thing, remember?). We aren't rich, but when we get a wedding invite, we put a little money to the side so we have it when it is time for the wedding. Its funny how both sides of the debate got defensive. I never put anyone down for not doing the same. I simply stated that its what I do. Of course not everyone can afford to do this and I'm sorry if you took what I said the wrong way.

Jennifer...Well said.

Have there been times when I could not afford to do it? Yes, as a newly married couple just starting out there were a few times. If it is a close family member, they understand, because as someone stated we don't sit and calculate, and say, "Uncle Santino only gave us $50 and brought 5 with him." We would know Uncle Santino is having a difficult year.

Again, it's not right or wrong, it is how we do things.

It's sort of like, I also cook more food than we need at dinner time, because I always make sure I have enough for a drop in. Does that mean we have leftovers? Yes, that's what "left over day" is for.

The best thing about WW is that I have learned not everyone does things the way we do things. I am actually grateful for the education.