FW doesn't want Bachelorette Party, but friends planning one anyway...

I think it depends on a whole lot of things including your FW's relationship with her friends and how much she doesn't want a party, but I'd at the very least try to stop it and even possibly tell her. I'm excited about my own bachelorette, but if I had counted on having a weekend with FH to relax and finalise wedding details, I'd be so upset to have those 48 hours stolen from me. Especially if I had explicitly said I didn't want that to happen.

It depends. Is she the type to tell you not to buy her anything for your anniversary and then gets mad when you don't buy something for her? If so, just leave it be. If I say I don't want something, I don't want it. But I know a lot of women who say they don't want something they really want so that they don't come off as greedy, and they assume you'll do it anyway. Depends on how she is.

First I'd suggest voicing these concerns to her BP and informing them that you're going to straight out ask her. It's better to ruin a surprise rather than push FW into something she might not want to do, at all.

You may have to let her in on it so she is aware. I mean what woman wouldn't want to do something with her girls before her wedding? Find out what about it doesn't make her happy.

I'd hate it if I said I didn't want a party and then got stuck with one anyways...and a surprise getaway sounds like NOT my thing...I like my plans....well...planned out in advance. If this were me, I would absolutely want to know.

1. I hate surprises

2. I like to know in advance if I have something going on, let alone giving up an entire weekend.

3. If I say I don't want something, I don't want it.

4. I also just like low key.

You know Her better than we do. If she says what she means and means what she says, it might be worth ruining the surprise. You wouldn't want her to be miserable all weekend and therefore make her friends miserable and you also don't want her to come across as ungrateful to her friends. Trust me! I've been to a bachelorette with an ungrateful bride and I was counting down the hours until it was over.

Tell her that they're planning something and then she can use you as a way to influence the planning. If she really doesn't want to have a party you can tell them that. If she's ok with having a party but wants it to be more low key then you can kill the weekend party plans and tell them to just do brunch. If she actually does secretly want a big bach weekend but was just being polite by declining then you can green-light what the ladies are already planning. You don't need to let on to the friends that she knows.

I would tell her because she may be upset at having to spend a whole weekend away. I wouldn't mind a bachelorette but would be pissed if my whole weekend was planned without my knowledge.

I would tell her. Maybe a bachelorette night would be a good compromise, if she'd like something but not to commit to an entire weekend....

Maybe you could nudge them toward a local, low-key night for the girls with dinner, drinks, whatever?

I say I don't want something, I don't want it. And I hate surprises and I particularly hate surprises that ruin whatever plans I already had made for a weekend, so for me, saying I didn't want a party then getting a surprise weekend trip out of it would've been interesting. I think if I had said no bach and my friends just took me to dinner nearby (even if it was a dreaded surprise), I'd have found that sweet and lovely, and way less intrusive.

My FSIL said she didn't eAt a bachelorette party either, but I planned one with her husband anyway. Same thing, a weekend away and I had him pack her bag. I asked her to go shoe shopping for the wedding and kidnapped instead. It was an awesome weekend that she talks about all the time! Success!!

I did not want a surprise shower, and everyone but my FH just ignored my wishes, so he hinted to me and it made me feel SO much better.

Talk with her generally about it one more time to feel out if she wouldn't mind the surprise, and then you may need to let her know there is something. It does depend on her personality. I wish I could be great at being surprised, but I am not! If she is like me, she will be grateful. You just need to feel her out one last time.

I think it depends on why she didn't want a bachelorette party in the first place. Did she just not want a wild weekend or night out? If so, you could totally influence her friends to plan a relaxing weekend trip with no clubbing or strippers. If she is worried about timing or didn't want a huge fuss made, I like the suggestion to ask them to cancel the trip and do something much smaller, like brunch. Another quiet idea could be to take her to a tea house for lunch or afternoon tea. These would be special things her friends could do for her that wouldn't take up your FW's entire day.

You could also tell your FW that her friends are planning a bachelorette party and see what she thinks. If she was being modest and not wanting a big fuss made for her, she could either come around to the idea knowing her friends actually wanted to plan something special for her, or she could give you suggestions on what would be better and more low-key than what her friends are currently planning.

My FH and I hate surprises and forced socialization (both introverts). But my FH especially hates it. His family knows this but they are stubborn so they planned a surprise 30th birthday for him. Not his parents because they know him and wouldn't do that to him. It was aunts and cousins. I absolutely told him about it. It pissed his family off but I explained to them that at the end of the day he is my priority. His feelings and his wishes are my priority.

If you think it would upset her being in the dark then tell her. FH really appreciated that he had time to mentally prepare for being the center of attention for a night.

Thank you for all of the great replies. I appreciate the different viewpoints into the situation.

When my FW says something, she generally means it. We've been together for many years. I can't think of one instance where she said one thing, but really wanted something different. Thus the cause for concern...

The primary reason why FW didn't want a party is that she doesn't like being the center of attention. It's just not her character, and she feels extremely uncomfortable when she's put in that position. Even the small wedding ceremony itself has her anxiety level ramped up! She would rather spend an evening with one or two friends versus a night (much less a weekend) out with a lot of friends. She was also trying to be considerate of the fact that some of her friends aren't in a position right now to contribute to an expensive party. She didn't want anyone left out or feeling pressured to contribute.

On the flip side, she's always been there for her friends and goes far out of her way to help them out sometimes. I know that they have the best intentions and just want to plan an awesome weekend for her. I don't want to be "that guy" that ruins a good surprise, but my gut instinct is that FW may not be the happiest with any of us if she's left in the dark all the way up to the weekend.

As someone who doesn't care for surprises and does mean it if I say I don't want something, I'd be touched by the gesture... and I'd want my fiancé to give me a head's up. I can pretend to be surprised if I want to go through with it, but the idea of being the center of attention for a whole weekend without knowing about it in advance would make me pretty unhappy.

Yea maybe give her a heads up. Like kate d said, she can fake it. I tried repeatedly to got my bp to not do a shower or bachelorette but they back down and i compromised agreeing to do the bachelorette. I had a great time. And my moh made sure to keep me in mind when planning it meaning no strippers, ridiculous penis inspired accessories, or anything expensive! Make sure you have a talk with her girls. Everything they plan needs to be about who she is. If they do that she'll have fun.