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September 2019

Future son-in-law thinks i'm pushy and overbearing

Carol, on January 17, 2019 at 7:55 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 92

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other...

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other planning events and questioned both of them on it and my son-in-law flat out said that I had no place being at their venue and vendor visits since I am not paying for anything.

I have tried to reach out to him by inviting him and his family over for dinner and bbqs and they refuse. My daughter and I are very close as she is my only child and I really do not have much family. We text or talk daily. Before Christmas her fiance told me that I need to cut the apron strings and that he does not like that my daughter is a mama's girl He told me that I am overbearing and that I need to let my daughter go.

This has upset me quite a bit and I have talked to my daughter about it and she seems to agree with her fiance that we are too close and enmeshed. I am really sad about everything especially when I saw on Facebook that my daughter and future son-in-law were getting their invitations finalized and pick out, I' have sen other pics on Facebook that include his parents going with them to venues and vendor meetings. I do not know what to do and I feel like I am Losing my daughter.

92 Comments

  • C
    Super July 2019
    Crystal ·
    • Flag
    Uhhh red flag. You NEVER come at a parent to disconnect! I would flip out like dont tell me to let my daughter go you crazy mean man.
    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Master December 2020
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    No one HAS to go or not go to the planning events, that all up to the groom and bride. His parents when because they have more say because of paying BUT its not okay you being mistreated and that your daughter isn't sticking up for you either. It's not like you wont be in there lifes so he needs to suck it up and become a family. Im sorry you are feeling so shot..i had my MOH, FH mother, FH aunt and my mom for wedding dress shopping and we will be having them check out our possible venue to help us decide on it as well (even though in the end its our choice) but thats just us wanting them to feel helpful and involved but they dont have to. We are paying for most of the wedding. Got surprised by half my dress being paid for by my parents and my mom is paying for catering as our wedding gift.
    • Reply
  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
    • Flag

    In my last relationship I was your daughter. My ex's parents (and grandparents) had money. I lived 4 hours away from my mom so I called/texted her about every other day to keep in touch. I set hours when I would call/text though so I wouldn't be on the phone while I was home with my ex and ignoring him. His family took us to events, bought our meal when we went to dinner, went overboard on Christmas, etc. I smiled in the pictures even if I didn't want to be there. Did I love my mom any less because she wasn't there doing those things? No. Was my mom jealous that his parents were able to do those things for us? No, she was glad they welcomed me enough to include me in family things.

    I know you are disabled and in a wheelchair. That's not an excuse to belittle your own self. I'm sure you have many other things going for you. You'd mentioned an afghan. Have you ever thought of selling whatever you make for a little side money? I know there are people here who scoop up baby items that are crocheted (think mermaid tails, baby hats, etc for photo shoots as newborns). It would give you another focus and also bring in some money. Maybe you could do something like that in a local page. Maybe even teach a class on how to crochet for a little money. There are options of money issues.

    My future mother in law is disabled. Her husband passed three years ago. She was all alone. She had no money. We helped her pay her bills at some points. Did we love her less? No. Did she decide to better herself instead of pity? Yes. She has a part time job and has started attending church so she has a social life again. Even if you have online friends - find yourself a social circle. She knew when her son had a child that she wasn't physically able to care for her alone, but she still saw the child. Held her, played with her, etc for day dates or even for a few hours. They still have a bond. Christmas/Birthdays - she brought her things from Dollar General or Dollar Tree. The child didn't care - she was just exited Grandma was there.

    I understand she's your baby girl and always will be. I understand this is your only child's wedding and you want to be there for her. She's grown. She's independent. Let her make her choices. In this generation, the parents do not help as much as they used to. Even those who are helping pay..they get their two cents on some things, but they probably aren't planning quite as much as you may think. Relax. Enjoy the ride. Enjoy the satisfaction that you have raised such a wonderful daughter that someone wants to marry. Enjoy that her future in-laws love them both so much they are willing to help finance things.

    If you feel SO strongly about helping. Sit down with your daughter alone and explain that you are aware you can't help financially, and may not even be able to help physically, but you'd like to be involved if you can as you are her mother and you want to be a part of the happiest day of her life. If she says she's got it covered, just let it go.


    • Reply
  • Future Mrs. Robinson1120
    Devoted November 2020
    Future Mrs. Robinson1120 ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry I would let go she will come around maybe you can go to lunch with just her and talk it out
    • Reply
  • EM
    Master April 2017
    EM ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This is perfect.

    I hope after this thread you can step back and evaluate your role in the way you are perceiving this situation. Being disabled does not make you less of a mother. Being a widow does not make you less of a mother. Being less financially secure does not make you less than a mother. Spite and jealousy over your daughters situation will do nothing but push her further away. Emotionally manipulating her ("I'm a loser" "I have nothing to contribute" "You must not love me as much" "I'm obviously a second class citizen" etc etc etc.) will do nothing but push her further away. It sounds like she is already trying to distance herself from you because of your behavior.

    You really should look in to counseling so you can figure out how to come to terms with the realities of your life, and learn to embrace whatever role your daughter wants you to have in her life.

    Best of luck to you.

    • Reply
  • Kristen
    VIP August 2018
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Your jealousy and loneliness are getting the better of you here and I think you really need to try and figure out a way to deal with them or else you may actually be creating a self-fulfilling prophesy and pushing your daughter even further away than you think she is right now.

    This situation has nothing to do with money or you thinking she likes her FILs better than you. You are her mother. You can and will never be replaced.

    Instead of being jealous when you hear about her trips and fun things the in laws are taking her to, try and flip that emotion into pride. Be proud that your daughter is living a good life, that she is happy. Isn't that all a mother wants for her child? Yes, it hurts that you can't give her everything they can, but you should be happy that she is able to do all of those things.

    Also, if you talk to your daughter every day then I don't see how you can feel she doesn't love or need you. Many adult children do not talk to their parents every single day.

    You've said you don't want counseling but you clearly need to talk to someone about your feelings. There may be a support group in your area for people with disabilities. Not only will you get to talk about your feelings and get some help but you may make some friends in the meantime.

    Hopefully you can work this out and feel better about things.

    • Reply
  • HayMrsO
    Master October 2018
    HayMrsO ·
    • Flag

    I have read through this entire post. While I have empathy for you and your situation, it appears that your actions, not your lack of money, are creating the situation.

    Your daughter is happy right now. You have done your job as a parent to raise a happy, healthy daughter who is now going in to a marriage of her own. It appears that she is joining a family that loves her and is inclusive of her. All of this should be making you HAPPY. Instead, all I am reading is self-pity, self-loathing and jealousy. Playing the martyr is not a good look for anyone. I do not want to be harsh, but I fear that if you do not do some self reflection and examine your behavior, you will lose your daughter. It will not be due to her husband or her in-laws. It will be because of your behavior. Parent or not, no one wants to be around a negative "poor me" person all the time. You don't realize the effects that has on the people around you. It would be healthy for her to set boundaries and limit her interaction with you if this is the only thing she gets when she does talk to you. You get to choose your attitude every single day. Work on making it a positive one.

    No, it is not normal for parents to be invited to all wedding planning. I have a decent relationship with my mom and she was not invited to anything for our wedding. Nothing. Not even dress shopping. She didn't say a word about it. No, it is not normal for parents to have a key to their childs home. Not even for an emergency. Your daughter is trying to set healthy boundaries and you are struggling to let go. And while I do not like the way that you said your son in law approached you about it, after reading further, I think that there may have been several subtle attempts to let you know your behavior is unacceptable and they have been ignored.

    Best of luck to you. I really think this relationship is fixable, but it is going to take work on your side. I hope you find the strength to make that happen.

    • Reply
  • Deirdre
    Super March 2018
    Deirdre ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I know you've said you've talked to your daughter, but have you told her this? This is beyond just not asking your help with wedding planning. Does she know that you feel she doesn't love you because you don't have money? If not, I think you need to tell her that. It sounds like she's said that she's covered for wedding planning, but she may not know how much this is hurting you. Do they see you at all? Just because she does stuff with her in-laws, doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Devoted December 2018
    Jessica ·
    • Flag


    Assuming that you are not a troll and this post is legit.....

    I am your daughter in this situation. I'm the oldest of four kids and my parents are not wealthy. However, my wife's parents are well off. My mother is and always has been thrilled that I'm able to experience things that she wasn't able to provide for me. I don't doubt that it makes her a little sad sometimes that she couldn't provide them, but she never shows it and I never rub anything in her face.

    It sounds like you need to take a break from Facebook. Stop putting yourself in a position to be upset. Just like everyone else said, you are doing this to yourself. The only thing your daughter is doing is creating her life with her FH. My wife was enmeshed with her parents and it took couples counseling for her to finally see it. Her mom wasn't thrilled about boundaries, but the were necessary and now everything is fine.

    Stop sending out invitations to your pity party. You're only going to push her further away. You've been given plenty of solid advice on here. You choice is to follow some of it, or just wallow away by yourself. I wish you the best.

    • Reply
  • Laura
    Master October 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like he is overly possesive of her and he's trying to control who she talks to. I hope sees this before it's to late. I speak from experience. As I read this my spidey senses were going into overdrive...

    • Reply
  • S
    Beginner May 2020
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    She didn't say anything about wanting daily visits. She simply said she doesn't visit her daughter daily. You took "I don't even visit daily" comment to mean that she wants daily visits. That's not what she meant.

    • Reply
  • Tara
    Master May 2020
    Tara ·
    • Flag
    I recommend you involve yourself in other things, such as extracurricular activities. Meetup.com is a great resource to meet others and make friends who are interested in sane/similar hobbies as you.
    • Reply

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