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September 2019

Future son-in-law thinks i'm pushy and overbearing

Carol, on January 17, 2019 at 7:55 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 92

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other...

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other planning events and questioned both of them on it and my son-in-law flat out said that I had no place being at their venue and vendor visits since I am not paying for anything.

I have tried to reach out to him by inviting him and his family over for dinner and bbqs and they refuse. My daughter and I are very close as she is my only child and I really do not have much family. We text or talk daily. Before Christmas her fiance told me that I need to cut the apron strings and that he does not like that my daughter is a mama's girl He told me that I am overbearing and that I need to let my daughter go.

This has upset me quite a bit and I have talked to my daughter about it and she seems to agree with her fiance that we are too close and enmeshed. I am really sad about everything especially when I saw on Facebook that my daughter and future son-in-law were getting their invitations finalized and pick out, I' have sen other pics on Facebook that include his parents going with them to venues and vendor meetings. I do not know what to do and I feel like I am Losing my daughter.

92 Comments

  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
    • Flag

    I hope some women learn from me and see that some women treat their mothers like crap.

    • Reply
  • Autumn
    Savvy November 2019
    Autumn ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Exactly what I’m saying.
    • Reply
  • M
    Super November 2019
    Melissa ·
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    No offense, but it sounds like you're taking things a little too personally and blowing things really out of proportion. A daughter wouldn't stop loving her mother if she was disabled or lacked money. It doesnt make you any less of a person to be disabled or lack money. But playing the victim wont help the relationship between you and your daughter. In fact, youre only making things worse.
    • Reply
  • Autumn
    Savvy November 2019
    Autumn ·
    • Flag
    Hey Carol, my first response after reading this was that your future son in law is a d bag with no tact. However, I have read through the comments and you have shot down everyone’s advice. Not to be harsh here, but it seems as if you created this discussion looking for people to side with you and pity you. If this is something you do to your daughter then I have to say that I understand where they would need to be direct and blunt with you. I’m sure their intention was not to hurt you or make you feel left out and while that is unfortunate that you feel that way, you are coming across as overbearing and incredibly pessimistic.
    • Reply
  • Autumn
    Savvy November 2019
    Autumn ·
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    Perhaps taking a step back and doing some evaluation of self would help you.

    Best wishes.
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    They do leave me out as I've said they do a lot of things with his parents which are non-wedding related.

    I'm not being overbearing as I've said before my daughter hasn't lived with me in years and I only see her every two weeks or so. It's just that I feel out while she is planning her wedding and it's hard for me to see her off doing things with her in-laws and many of the things she does with them are things I wish I could give her, but I can't. I have good reason to see that I'm being left out of my daughter's life.

    It's not that I want to make decisions about my daughter's wedding, I just wanted to go along with them to vendors and venues and see what they were interested in. It kills me that I don't have money to put towards her special day, but I wanted to her in ways that didn't involve money. But, money has power in this situation.

    Once my daughter marries, I'll leave her and her husband alone. I won't even try to be a grandmother to their children since I have nothing to offer those future children.

    I hope none of you women on this thread end up in my situation where you aren't in late 50s and alone with no one to turn to.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    My daughter does a lot with her future in laws because they have means to take her to nice places and events. I don't have anything to offer my daughter these days.


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  • Deb
    Dedicated October 2018
    Deb ·
    • Flag

    My mother couldn’t contribute financially when we got married and we didn’t expect anything from her but enjoying our wedding. She contributed by being excited when I shared plans and listened when things got stressful. That meant more than any money she could have given. These are things you can do.

    When our daughter was born my mom would write stories for her and wrote letters about things I did growing up. They would talk a lot on the phone and had the own “secrets”. It didn’t cost anything but it built a very close relationship.

    You will always be your daughter’s mom. Continue your texting and talking and see how it goes.


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  • M
    Super November 2019
    Melissa ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    That's a bit uncalled for. I'm sure plenty of people on here have faced loneliness. And I'm sorry that you feel lonely. But you truly are making things worse for yourself by playing the victim. Your actions are making your daughter push away from you, not your lack of money or disability. Your daughter cant revolve her life around you when shes trying to make a life of her own.
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I'm not her mom anymore. More and more I'm seeing that I don't matter to her anymore.

    It hurts to see pictures of my daughter and future mother in law going to wedding vendors and places to check out items and seeing those pictures of them on facebook being happy and i don't get any of that.

    It hurts that my daughter's in-laws are taking her on her first real vacation this summer when they are going to Hawaii. My late husband and I were never able to give my daughter a decent vacation. The only thing we could give her were stupid camping trips.

    It is going to hurt on my daughter's wedding day seeing how all the things that her in-laws helped with to get for the wedding. It's going to hurt knowing that I wasn't there when she picked out flowers and decorations. I didn't want to make decisions I just wanted to be there for her. Like i've said before I have no influence or power because I don't have the means.

    Also, my daughter and future son-in-law are buying new house with help from his parents so I'm again i'm useless there.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I know she is making a life of her own. But, her new life now consists of expensive trips and events that I'm unable to give her.

    When you are disabled and on a fixed income it hurts to see your child getting access to those things because of the kindness of others.

    I do love my daughter despite what she is doing to me.

    I'm glad that my daughter is living her own life. It just hurts that I can't be a part of her wedding or a few events in her life.

    I'll never be able to give my daughter, future son-ino=-law or their kids the many nice things that his parents can give them.

    I'm just of no use to them.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I'm not saying that my daughter should revolve her life around me. But, she could have included me in her wedding planning. I would loved to have gone to that bridal expo with her and her in-laws.

    I'll let my daughter bond with her mother--in-law since the MIL can do more for her.

    • Reply
  • M
    Super November 2019
    Melissa ·
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    Well, I hope and pray that you'll find guidance on the "situation" you find yourself in. And I hope you'll see how dramatic you're being. Things would be so much better if you opened up to your daughter and not try to make her feel guilty.
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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I don't even tell my daughter all of my feelings regarding her relationship with her in-laws. I haven't even told her about the envy I feel about them taking her to concerts, NFL games, events, and the Hawaii trip.

    I'm not being dramatic, I'm telling you how it hurts me that my daughter has a new family that is giving her the many things my late husband and I couldn't give her.

    There are many things I don't tell my daughter. It hurts at the end of the day that she found another family.

    • Reply
  • Ashley
    Dedicated September 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    I can see where you're coming from but I think you need to respect your daughter's decisions on who helps her and goes to things with her. For my wedding, my mom is only going to be involved with my dress and things related to that. She happened to offer to pay for it, but even before she offered that was all I was planning on involving her in because it's my wedding. I want her to feel like a guest and have a nice time celebrating rather than running around planning things and taking care of things. My uncle (mom's brother) and his wife offered to pay for a photographer or DJ, I'm not going to tag my mom along to consults with them because she's not involved in that aspect.
    You can be there for your daughter in ways that are not money-based, and I think focusing on the money aspect is what is making you feel so terrible. Including you in the dress parts shows she does want you there, or else she wouldn't have brought you. You can offer advice for parts of the wedding if you feel she needs it and be there for her emotionally when that absolute butt of a FH screws something up down the road.
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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I've offered help with things that aren't money based, but she is still turning to her maid of honor and future MIL for help on many things.

    I just wanted to help my daughter one last time before she gets married.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
    • Flag

    It's hard for me to want to celebrate her wedding when she and her husband seem to only focus on his parents' roles in the wedding and how they are helping pay for it. I know they deserve some say because they put money into it, but is it so bad to at least include him in a few things outside of the dress shopping.

    I feel bad that I'm not equal to her parents.

    • Reply
  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    Exactly this!!
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  • Swtnss238
    VIP May 2019
    Swtnss238 ·
    • Flag
    The money is not why they leave u out of things. Its this behavior. U dont even have a key to her place? Shes 31 u shouldnt have a key. Ur daughter is NOT treating u like crap and I pray u never say that to her. U really need to get a grip or u will loose her, sounds like shes already on her way and its not over money at all!! What her FH said to u is true and he was right. Im sure he said what he did the way he did because he is fed up!!
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I'm not overbearing to her. I'm not at her house constantly. We just talk and text daily which he doesn't like.

    I

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