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September 2019

Future son-in-law thinks i'm pushy and overbearing

Carol, on January 17, 2019 at 7:55 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 92

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other...

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other planning events and questioned both of them on it and my son-in-law flat out said that I had no place being at their venue and vendor visits since I am not paying for anything.

I have tried to reach out to him by inviting him and his family over for dinner and bbqs and they refuse. My daughter and I are very close as she is my only child and I really do not have much family. We text or talk daily. Before Christmas her fiance told me that I need to cut the apron strings and that he does not like that my daughter is a mama's girl He told me that I am overbearing and that I need to let my daughter go.

This has upset me quite a bit and I have talked to my daughter about it and she seems to agree with her fiance that we are too close and enmeshed. I am really sad about everything especially when I saw on Facebook that my daughter and future son-in-law were getting their invitations finalized and pick out, I' have sen other pics on Facebook that include his parents going with them to venues and vendor meetings. I do not know what to do and I feel like I am Losing my daughter.

92 Comments

  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    She’s 31 years old & you’re upset you don’t have a key 🔑 to her home 🏡?
    • Reply
  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    You’re upset with them because they have set boundaries.
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    The only reason I wanted a key is for emergency purposes. I know other people who have keys to their grown kids' house for emergency purposes. I've said before, my daughter hasn't lived with me since her high school graduation and I don't try to make decisions for her. I just wanted a little more involvement in her wedding.

    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I know boundaries are needed in life. I respect them. I feel hurt that her in-laws are able to give her experiences that I wish I could give her.

    I said that I know my daughter is living her own life and her life doesn't revolve around me. It hurts me that I don't have the means to help with her wedding, new house, and future children.

    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
    • Flag

    I see that I'm more upset with myself for not being able to contribute more to my daughter's life.

    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag
    So it sounds like you don't want her to do her own thing and it's really a personal problem unfortunately because it's her life

    You talked to her and she agrees with her fiance

    I'm sorry about your husband but it's not fair to expect your child to be your life partner: her fiance is her partner

    I'm sorry you feel excluded but it's not your wedding so if they don't want your opinion it's not right for you to expect them to

    I think yin should be thankful she gives you do much of get time... I didn't talk to my parents for like 3 years by accident because I was busy living my life

    Be grateful she's there for your whims daily instead of always wanting more and they probably won't view you as so overbearing and may desire your company more
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    Why in the world would you need a key to HER home!?!?

    I'm sorry but you are coming across as way too involved already and your expectations are way beyond normal boundaries in my personal opinion

    My patents absolutely can not have key to my home or call/text me daily
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I don't want my child to be life partner and I want her to do her own things. I just wish I could experience some things with her.

    Trying to understand how it feels when you can't afford to treat your daughter to nice things and then you see her in-laws taking her to expensive concerts, games, and a trip to Hawaii.

    It hurts that I can't contribute to her wedding and get the joy of knowing that I helped with her special day.

    I don't want to her my life partner, I just wanted to be equal to her in-laws when it comes to experiences. As I've said I don't have the means to take my daughter and future son in law on trips, concerts, games, or things.

    I've tried and tried to include my future son in law and his parents in dinners and barbecues, but that's not good enough for them. I have even crotcheted his mother an afghan, but I decided not to give it to her because I figured she's not not used to getting handmade things as gifts.-

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I'm not involved in her life all that much outside of talking and texting daily. I don't even visit her on a daily basis and we don't do special outings or anything like else like she does with her in-laws. She actually hangs out with her in-laws more than me. They go to bunch of events very often in additions to the wedding stuff.

    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    OK

    I can understand as a parent that you want to give your child the BEST

    it sounds like you only want her to have the best if it's from you

    If your financial situation would make you a second class citizen in your own child's eyes and you honestly believe that then that ship sailed in her values that she learned while growing up in my opinion

    You asked me: I do have a daughter

    If I couldn't give her a dream wedding I would love the hell out of my future in laws for finally giving my baby what she deserves instead of jealous it wasn't me

    I understand being upset with yourself

    I cannot comprehend talking and texting daily and on top of that visiting every 2 weeks and expecting them to come over

    How much of her time do you feel entitled to?

    I'm sorry they aren't including you in planning but my guess would be they have their fill if you already and don't want extra servings

    I honestly think you need to create yourself a social circle

    Make a friend and talk to them all the time if you don't want to date

    I guarantee if you back off you'll be INVITED in because your daughter obviously loves you dearly and desires a relationship with you

    Is it that terrible to respect an adults boundaries?
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    Once again why the gecko would they want to see you daiky!?!?

    So you were at mommies house every day after you met the love of your life?
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    I wouldn’t like it if my husband was talking to or texting either of his parents daily. That’s not an appropriate boundary for an adult. I wish you the best and I truly believe talking to a counselor or even reading a book on boundaries could help. It sounds like you have a lot of self inflicted guilt about the money you aren’t able to provide. I wish you the best.
    • Reply
  • Sunshine
    Expert January 2019
    Sunshine ·
    • Flag
    I think it’s really sad that you think so little of your own daughter that you think you’ll be useless to her once she’s married. Or that she’ll stop loving you because her husband’s parents are rich. That says a lot right there about what you think of her. I can’t affird to take my daughter to Hawaii, but she did go with her dad’s family (we’re not together). They also have a college fund for her that I could never provide. Instead of being angry or having a pity party about it, I’m quite thankful that she is able to have these things even though they don’t come from me. My daughter does not love me any less. Love isn’t a contest.
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag
    She is hanging out with them regularly to catch up because they don't text her every thing that happens!!!

    If you give them space they have a reason: to catch up!!

    What could there possibly be a need for more time for!?!!

    You talk EVERYDAY!!! they know more than they want to already and an visit would do nothing but yield the same...

    So you want to call and text all day, visit every day, a key to their house, to be part of vendor meetings, and vote on wedding decisions!!?!?

    Way too much of you in this thread in my opinion

    You haven't once said anything about her feelings, what's best for her, anything you can do to make this easier on her... you're right in the fast lane trying to involve yourself in her marriage !!! After SPECIFICALLY begin asked by fiance to back iff?? Can you honestly nit see anything wrong with that?

    Don't you want your baby girl to be treated like the princess she is and have the best team world can offer her instead of just the best you can?
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    Yes!!!!! If your baby has the best than be HAPPY!!
    • Reply
  • Becca
    Super August 2019
    Becca ·
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    100% this

    I read through this whole thread and the main thing I got out of this was that it seems like if you can’t provide for your daughter, then you don’t think any one else should be able to. I honestly think you should be grateful that she found such a loving fiancé who comes from a loving family. I understand you’re feeling hurt and left out, but honestly, the in laws probably wouldn’t have been invited to a lot of the wedding planning stuff either if they weren’t paying for a chunk of it. That doesn’t mean that your daughter loves them more or anything because they have money, that just means that she really has no choice because they now have a say in their choices being that it’s their money.

    You and your daughter sound very close (and that’s a good thing). You 100% will not be forgotten or will not become a second class citizen in her eyes. She wants you to be proud of her. She values your feelings and thoughts of her and she knows you only want the best for her. You just have to trust her on that. Just because she’s happy with the other family too, it doesn’t make her love you any less. It just means that her (and your) family have expanded.

    I think you are reading too much into this, but I also think this thread isn’t doing you any good.

    I hope things become happier for you.
    • Reply
  • Sylvia
    Dedicated March 2019
    Sylvia ·
    • Flag
    I'm really sorry that you feel guilty about not being able contribute. I am also sorry that you feel like she does not have time for you anymore. I do not agree with her fiancé being rude and telling you to back off when you and your daughter have had a special bond her entire life. She is just moving forward to the next chapter of her life. She will come around. But right now it sounds like she's having fun being a bride to be. At least she is happy and having fun. If you want to spend more time with her and do fun things once in a while I would just communicate that. She will likely make time. Don't beat yourself up over any of this because you know that she still really loves you and you will always be her mom. Praying for you Carol
    • Reply
  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
    • Flag
    Exactly this.
    • Reply
  • Deb
    Dedicated October 2018
    Deb ·
    • Flag
    The more you reply the more it sounds like you are jealous the in-laws are not including you in the vacations and shows. Not that you are unable to provide those things.

    Her in-laws will be in her life from now on. My first mother in law (I was widowed at 30), excluded me from dinners and trips that she took her two son in laws on. It hurt me very badly. It is wonderful your daughter has in laws that welcome her.


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  • N
    Dedicated November 2019
    Nita ·
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    So you would rather have your daughter financially struggle so that you can feel better?

    Shes not choosing anyone over you. She still talks to you everyday/visits with you every 2 weeks. The only thing my moms been involved with in my wedding was dress shopping.
    • Reply

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