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September 2019

Future son-in-law thinks i'm pushy and overbearing

Carol, on January 17, 2019 at 7:55 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 92

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other...

My daughter is getting married in September. Im widowed and do not have much money so I am unable to contribute to the wedding costs. My daughter and future son in law are spllting the costs with his parents. I attended dress shoppings and fittings with my daughter. But, I was not invited to other planning events and questioned both of them on it and my son-in-law flat out said that I had no place being at their venue and vendor visits since I am not paying for anything.

I have tried to reach out to him by inviting him and his family over for dinner and bbqs and they refuse. My daughter and I are very close as she is my only child and I really do not have much family. We text or talk daily. Before Christmas her fiance told me that I need to cut the apron strings and that he does not like that my daughter is a mama's girl He told me that I am overbearing and that I need to let my daughter go.

This has upset me quite a bit and I have talked to my daughter about it and she seems to agree with her fiance that we are too close and enmeshed. I am really sad about everything especially when I saw on Facebook that my daughter and future son-in-law were getting their invitations finalized and pick out, I' have sen other pics on Facebook that include his parents going with them to venues and vendor meetings. I do not know what to do and I feel like I am Losing my daughter.

92 Comments

  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I guess I should stop trying since I'm no longer good enough for my daughter because I don't have the money to put into her wedding.

    • Reply
  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    Other than dress shopping and fittings, honestly what else do you want to be involved in? I can’t imagine asking my dad (also a widower) to help plan my wedding. I’m also not assigning duties to anyone either. I think the only people that should be involved in the decisions are the bride and groom. In this case, I understand his parents are paying for some so they would make some decisions. If I were you, I would maybe let your daughter know specifically what you want to do or help her with for the wedding. Ask if she needs help with any DIYs or anything you can do. But clearly you e done a good job raising her as she seems to be a well functioning adult capable of making her own decisions
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    That is her right to involve whoever she wants. It sounds like she is putting up a boundary and trying to create some space, I could be wrong. You are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling but she does not need to involve you just because you are feeling those things.
    • Reply
  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
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    It's her wedding and her joy. Let her plan however she so chooses. She may need your advice or help closer to the date. Try reaching our to someone local, a church, etc for someone to talk to about this because you aren't getting the response you seem to want here.

    My future mother in law has no money to help us. That's fine by me because I'm not going into the wedding thinking I will be handed money. As someone who is helping pay, they get more of a two cents. Their opinion matters a little more. It's just how it is. My future MIL has offered to help, but honestly, I just don't need her to help me with anything.
    • Reply
  • Rayna
    Devoted July 2019
    Rayna ·
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    Based on your interactions here I can see why your Future son in law wants to create the boundaries. You’re being very defensive when you’re re wining some good advice. It doesn’t sound like your daughter is pushing you out. It sounds like they want to plan their event on their own. Their in laws are offering money and it may be conditional on their input. If they don’t need help from you then you have to accept that. If you genuinely wanted to be helpful you would listen to what they have to say instead of creating issues for them. You’ll do much more for your relationship with your daughter and the new family she is creating by being supportive of their wishes.
    • Reply
  • EM
    Master April 2017
    EM ·
    • Flag

    Honestly my mom wasn't involved with any decisions, except she went when I tried on dresses. It wasn't that I didn't value her opinion, but she wasn't paying for anything so I didn't want her to fall in love with something that was too expensive, or hate something that my H and I had already decided to spend our money on. It was just easier for us to do it ourselves. It never even occurred to me that our decision to plan our own wedding would hurt her feelings, the way your daughter's decision seems to have hurt yours.

    I understand that your feelings are hurt, but ultimately, this is their wedding. They may not feel comfortable telling the in laws that they don't want them attending the meetings because they are paying. They may also feel uncomfortable having you know how much they are spending, because just based on the OP and your comments, money seems to be an insecurity for you.

    The way I see it you have a few choices:

    1) Figure out a way to be okay with the situation as it is, and try not to take it so personally

    2) Talk to your daughter again to help her understand that you just want to share her joy and be involved in whatever way you can (and then be happy when she includes you in whatever she decides to include you in)

    3) Take out a loan to be able to contribute equally so you can attend the meetings (Hint: DON'T CHOOSE THIS OPTION!)

    It does sound like there are bigger issues here than just the wedding, but I do hope this gets better for you.

    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I've offered help and she doesn't take it because of her future in-laws and fiance. I know she is capable of making her own decisions. It hurts that she can't include me more in the wedding.


    I now realize that once my daughter gets married, I'll be a second class citizen compared to her in-laws.

    I have cried seeing pictures of her future in-laws taking her to spas, expesnive concerts, and sporting events. They have taken to her bridal expos and are paying for expensive photographers/videographers, bar packages and bunch of other things for the weddings.


    Yes, I admit I'm envious that they can do that for my daughter and future son in law.


    I feel so useless that I have nothing to give them in the wedding process and I'm guess I'm nothing but a loser.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I don't overstep boundaires. I don't even have a key to my daughter's house and I only visit every two weeks. We just talk and text daily which her fiance doesn't like.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I don't have anyone to talk to you about this because I'm disabled and I've lost friendships because of my disablity. I only have one brother left and he lives in Canada. I don't go to any kind of church. I'm alone on this.

    • Reply
  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
    • Flag
    You are being dramatic at this point. No one said give up. They are telling you to chill out. The wedding isn't until September so she's probably in the very beginning stage of planning anyway. Tell her you would like to help her pick out flowers or go look at wedding signs if it's that big of a deal.

    Maybe she doesn't want you to know how much she (or with the help of the inlaws) are spending. Maybe she just wants to relax and enjoy being a mother of the bride instead of stressing over planning. Maybe there is a difference in what she wants for her wedding and what you think she should have and she does not want to hear it. It's her wedding to plan. As hurtful as you seem to feel, it's her wedding. If the inlaws are paying, they get to do more. They get to have a say on how their money is to be spent to a point.
    • Reply
  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
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    There are a ton of ways o make friends online. There are tons of support systems out there online. You found this website so you are tech savvy enough to find a friend where ever that may lead. Don't blame disability for losing friends. My future mother in law is disabled. She was so large she would very rarely leave the house on top of her actual disability. She still had a few select friends to turn to. Reach out to people.
    • Reply
  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
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    I don’t think you are a loser, but maybe you need to focus your time on something other than how your daughter is living her life. You say you talk on the regular, so that’s good. Maybe take up a hobby and meet some new people in your area. Join a class or group of some kind that you are interested in. Look around on google for some. They will turn up. Then you won’t be so worried about your daughter
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    They already have a lot planned out and paid for. Mostly everything has been picked out.

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  • Holly
    Devoted August 2021
    Holly ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and overlooked. Your future son-in-law is out of place speaking to you that way, and it sounds like your daughter may just feel too uncomfortable being stuck in the middle. Sometimes, in my opinion, people on these wedding forums can be a little brusque, especially when it comes to matters of wedding etiquette. Every bride is also different in regards to how much outside help they want with planning. While my mother isn't contributing that much, I still like to keep her in the loop of decisions I've made or am thinking of making - but that's just how I am with things. No matter what kind of experiences your daughters future in-laws provide her, you will always be her mother and that won't change. I suggest speaking to her privately, and without speaking negatively about her fiancé or his family, express your feelings. I think you are just being too hard on yourself, you are certainly NOT a loser just because you can't contribute financially. Hope you feel better soon! Moms are awesome.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I'm not totally focused on my daughter and I have hobbies that I do at home on my own.

    But, I don't have a lot of family. I just one living brother, a few cousins in a nearby state, and I don't see my nieces and nephews as they lived on the west coast and I'm in Delaware. I'm lonely in a lot of ways and I've always had a hard time making friends because I'm shy and being in a wheelchair due to MS only makes it worse these days.

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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    I've spoken to her about this and she just responds about how her fiance and in-laws and sometimes maid of honor are helping with things.


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  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    Thank you for the kind words. But, I don't see myself feeling any better. I realize that I'm always going to be a second class citizen once my daughter marries and has kids with her future husband.


    I won't be able to buy her kids nice gifts and I won't be able to babysit or take them places. I see that my disablity and lack of money is what is pushing me out of my daughter's life.

    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    It is her daughter. I do not think she should have a say in what is going on. Not because we of her lack of money. Because it is not her wedding. They still should not be rude. At the same time some one should never ever ever and I will repeat EVER. Be treated differently because of money. It drives me nuts.
    • Reply
  • Kiwibride
    Super November 2018
    Kiwibride ·
    • Flag
    Stop blaming your lack of money for being pushed away. From what you've said, that doesn't seem to be anything to do with it and will just push them away further. Many people choose to plan as a couple, it has nothing to do with their relationships with their parents but wanting to keep outside opinions to a minimum. His parents need to be going to meet with venues etc because they're the ones that need to discuss costs. It has nothing to do with you. We didn't take our parents to meet with any of our vendors. I would have felt uncomfortable discussing costs in front of them because that was our business not theirs and seeing the way you constantly bring everything back to your money situation, it would be a bad choice to have you there for those conversations making everyone feel awkward.

    Her FH was rude in the way he spoke to you. That needed to come from her and it was handled badly. But now that you know how she feels, take a step back and follow her lead on how involved you are in each others lives. I have a perfectly healthy relationship with my parents and we only speak maybe once a week, sometimes less. Your daughter has different priorities now and that's okay, it doesn't mean she loves you less, just that she doesn't have as much time. Find other activities and hobbies to make new friends to keep you occupied if you need that level of interaction in your life. Hopefully in time you'll accept your changing role in her life and be happy
    • Reply
  • C
    September 2019
    Carol ·
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    It is my lack of money which has played a part in my being left out. If I was able to contribute financially things would have been different for me.

    My daughter does love me less seeing how she, her fiance, and his parents are always doing things together. They are constantly posting pictures on Facebook of them at wedding planning events and non wedding events.

    I want her to be happy.

    As i'VE said before i'm disabled and don't make friends easily. Disabilities do turn people off and i know people are ignoring that. It's not easy for everyone to make friends. People here don't understand how hard it is to have a dead husband, very few friends and relatives.

    The lesson I have learned is that if you don't have money or much else your own kids will find "replacement parents" to give them those things. I did my best for my daughter and I now realize she never appreciated me.

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