First married argument- how was it for you?

Oh man.

I get way more upset now when we argue and it makes me feel like the world is ending. IDK, the vows totally add a layer of pressure for me. There's this layer of "OMG I'm going to have to deal with this FOREVERRRRR" which freaks me out and makes me want to bolt. But, I always had issues just fleeing relationships after an argument. H is the first relationship I've had where I don't do that. So it might just be me.

I remember our first argument after we got engaged, I wanted to just go home and then I thought, "When we're married I can't do that so I need to get used to this." That was a really hard night for me, but I woke up, we were both still there, we kissed hello even though we probably wanted to still smack each other, and I was like, "Okay, okay, I can do this."

@kris- im not married and I have the EXACT same issue. I bolt after an argument and i get the same feeling, which also freaks me out. I thought i was the only one!!! Im still working on that. I don't know what to do to make that feeling go away.

I am not married yet but have been engaged since December of last year. Arguments definitely feel different when you know that you are committing to this person for the rest of your life. Sometimes you wonder if you are even supposed to be arguing...lol. The key thing I try to remember is that you are going to have arguments, sometimes over really stupid stuff, and sometimes over more serious stuff. You are going to disagree. You are two different human beings and you won't always get along. But like Kris said, you have to know that every little fight or argument needs to get worked out because you are with that person forever. FH and I will get into arguments but we always work it out.

@ Leslie and Kris

That used to be me! I guess I gradually got over it. Plus I realized I can't bolt on someone who loves me this much because they made a mistake/upset me/ whatever. I wouldn't want him to do that.

Kris, keep having those times where you wake up, kiss, and still want to smack each other and you guys are all right.

It softens your hearts, lol.

Our first marriage argument was really bad...it happened right after our HM and DH made a horrible comment that devastated me enough that I ended up at work in tears and was a complete mess. The only reason I even stayed at work was b/c I didn't want to go home and deal with DH.

When i did finally go home, DH was waiting to talk...he was very apologetic and I had a long conversation with him about what he can and cannot say to me and how he approaches things with me. It was that night we spoke about communication and how to be tactful and fair when arguing.

We're not married yet either but last weekend I got super mad at my FH for something stupid and when I get mad I get MAD and I say things I don't really mean so what I do is ignore his calls I just don't want to talk to him because I know I'll say things I'll later regret. He's so mellow he puts up with my tantrums lol he always wants to talk things out thats something I love about him. In the almost 3 years together he' s never gottten mad at me. We' ve never had a big discussion or fight, most of te time its me that' makes a big deal out of small stuff I got to admit it. So I told him that he needs to give me my space and let me cool down first then we can talk it out, he said he would but I know his first instinct is to call me and talks things out. I think I need to control my emotions a little better because once we're married it will be entirely different. I won't be able to ignore his calls & texts cause we'll be in the same house.

OMG Kris & Leslie, I could cry right now! I get the exact same feeling, and there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me if I get a feeling like that, than the relationship isnt right for me. I am so happy to hear it isnt just me, and it doesnt mean we will not last. Lord, you ladies just lifted a million pounds off my shoulders!

Is it a bad thing that me and DH haven't had a married argument yet????

It was bad. In fact, it was the single worst argument we have ever had. I was husbandcidal.

But something good has come out of it. H's brother is a deluxe model, A class, Ultra D-bag. Think of the most selfish person you have ever met. Now square that, and you have my BIL. That dude was the BM and left our wedding early because the music was too loud.

He was the cause of the argument. He was too selfish to give H a ride 2 miles up the road in a situation that our marriage depended on. No, I'm not being dramatic, seriously. As much as H was defending his brother his whole life, this incident opened his eyes and was sort of a tipping point.

But all the fights are a little different now, because I keep on thinking, whatever I say, I will have to live with it from now on...

@Tami- Me and FH arguments use to be that extreme. it has gotten better for us, since i told him that when we do get into a heated argument like that he needs to just let me leave. Im the type of person that when im really upset i like to take a drive and listen to music (the drive calms me down) i never really have a destination in mind, i just really like driving to no where but to end up back home calm and collective and ready to talk. He really hates it when i leave, so i try to stay and just lock myself in the room till we are both calm to talk but that only drives me even more insane, to where he is ready to talk and im still fuming. He gets it now that i do have to leave the house in order for me to calm my nerves, that when i leave im not leaving him or abandoning him. I simply just need some air.

honestly i put the fear in him of me leaving, since in the past my reasons of walking out that door was cuz i was threatening to leave him. im glad i went & got help, made us better

Oh man, Mrs S, arguments about family are the WORST. So many land mines there.

Amy I'm with you - I'm sorry others have that awful feeling but it makes me feel better too. I'm a grownup with abandonment issues too. I'll admit it. I think that's why I always bolted if something wasn't perfect in my eyes, b/c I was afraid the other person would bolt first. But H is the most solid, good person I've ever known, no way is he ever bolting on me so I won't either. He just felt like....family, from the start. I trust him and there's way too much good stuff to bolt at the uncomfortable moments.

Another weird element in my head when we fight is that I just feel so....young. It felt strange to have a wedding, like we were kids playing house. I don't think we know WTH we're doing and I feel like everybody else has it all under control and knows exactly who they are, what they want, and how to handle grownup life.

@Amy i get that little voice in my head too!!!! I tell FH and he just tells me to stop thinking that way, I always put things in my head. and he's right, I only have those feelings and thought when im really mad at him and cant stand him in that moment we arguing.

You're not kidding Kris.

But this was the first time I had NO filter. I was yelling on the highway like a redneck in a movie. It was cleansing though :-)

@ Mrs. S I've been there too.

Labake, this is a very therapeutic thread. Thank you.

Which part Labake? Family-related or yelling in the car like a redneck LOL?

Both!

I am a very creative curser. Also, if I'm really, really, angry, my yelling voice turns into something almost demonic.

Its funny (in retrospect) but I try to avoid my psycho moments.

Does anybody else worry that they get mean when they argue? I normally tread this line between diplomacy and over-directness anyway, and when I'm upset I have to try SO hard to reign it in. I have to choose my words so carefully. That's one of the reasons I want space, I have to take time and think through what I want to say. I'm afraid my tongue will be way too sharp and I'll say something hurtful.

LMAO @ creative cursing. Mrs. S....that is so darn funny.

I have never had a filter when we argue. Surprised? I didn't think so.

When Frank and I fight, and it is not very often, it is two hot tempered Italians who can come up with all kinds of uses for the "F" word. I hit below the belt. As soon as that hit comes out of my mouth, I want to grab my hand and push it back in.

We actually had our first married argument on your HM. I can't for the life of me remember what we fought about. However, I know he drank about a half of a bottle of Single malt Scotch and I probalbly drank my bust size in mango mojitoes. So, whatever it was, it was probably stupid. We lost a HM night. : ( However, we made up for it the next day.

I wanted to add.....having been left with an 8 year old and a 3 month old, when Frank and I got together, I had SERIOUS abandonment issues. One of the rules we started way back when was that no matter how angry we were, we would never threaten to leave or actually leave the house. We usually just go to another room to part.