FH hasn't told his children we're getting married yet

He needs to tell them-they should have been FIRST imo. have you asked him why he hasn't told them?

I would ask him why he didn't tell him first and tto imagine how po'd they will be if they find out from someone OTHER than him.

I think we need some more background info here since I'm marrying a guy with kids (ages 7 and 9) and they were there when he proposed and were SO excited about it! How often are the kids with you guys? Has their mother said anything bad about him/you? What is their mother like? Do you guys all get along? Is he worried his ex might try to pull some funny business?

I understand where he is coming from. I an overprotective mom, too much so as it creates issues. Sara didn't even know I was dating Rick until about 9 months after. Although my reasoning is that Sara was 17, very, very close to her dad and I knew she would have issues with it. She did. However, I think my delaying telling her set the wrong precedent - like she can determine my happiness or has some input into my future. He does need to tell them as soon as possible so they can get used to the idea.

I have casually asked if he told them yet and he said he hasn't and then he assures me that his kids love me and they would be happy about it. It's like I'm not trying to be pushy or anything, but I really need for them to be ok with us getting married and me moving in.

We've been engaged since Feb 14th, he has 50/50 custody of the kids, I've never met their mother because she lives in AZ and I'm in PA. He has really good kids and we all get along fine, I don't live with them although I do spend the nite and weekends a lot so they are used to me being around. The thing is his whole family knows but the kids don't so it's really getting to the point where it's uncomfortable. I'm not going to be the one to tell them but I also need for them to be ok with me living there and marrying their father.

I feel that he's made it harder on himself by waiting so long. BUt you can't keep secrets from children so they will learn sooner rather than later

If his family is anything like mine, they know already even if no one has said it directly to them. Do you think it's more of a kids issue, or a baby momma's issue?!? Maybe he is not ready for her to know, and of course kids can't hold water! lol

I've been in your shoes, but my role was different. i told dh i would NOT marry him, if his children didn't like me. his son, doesn't hate me, but hates I make him listen dh's daughter, friggin loves me, and was excited we were getting married she missed our ceremony here, but is freakin out that she'll be able to participate in the one in fh's hometown

Whoops, hit submit too quickly...how is your relationship with the children? with my stepson, we didn't have too much time with him, til last christmas(2008 that is lol)...with my stepdaughter, we lived in her town for 6 months after dh left the navy, so we got her weekends, and plenty of other days, and since her mom more or less ignored her, we became great friends quickly.

maybe it's not so much the kids, as he's worried of the reaction of when they go home "daddy's marrying danni, mom!"...believe it or not, even ex's who are the best of friends, can end up with hardships when one of them gets married, even if on the surface, it even appears the other spouse is "well off".

I can kind of understand where your FH might be coming from. My FH has a son, 11 yrs old, and I don't think my FH has told him that we are getting married. Or he might have, I'm just not sure. My FH's son is sort of a mama's boy and will tell her everything that goes on, what's said, etc. While my FH and his ex get along when they have to, his ex can become suddenly angry at the drop of a hat over the most inconsequential things (my FH didn't answer his phone when she called because he was in a meeting, so she didn't allow him to see his son for 3 weeks. Yeah, she's a peach!), so my FH would rather do things that keep her calm.

Let your FH take charge of this. He knows his kids, he knows his ex. It's okay to tell you are uncomfortable - who wouldn't be 6 months before the wedding?!? You might want to ask what his strategy is going to be, though, so you can stay in the loop, so to speak.

My relationship with the kids is really good, and I want it to stay that way. I dont want to be looked at as the person who went behind their backs and moved in and then married their father. I don't want to get bossy and insist that FH tells them but him taking his time is really making me uncomfortable. I'm not sure how the kids mother would feel but maybe that's why he hasnt told them yet. I would rather get all of the ugliness out of the way before we get married instead of after.

It may not ne the kids, it may be the fear of them telling the baby mama! My FH told his children but their mothers were all annoyed about the news and has been cause us drama ever since. Trust your FH has your best interest at heart and not trying to be secretive. Honestly when a man tell his mama something it the real thing in my opinion.

If your relationship with the kids is good, then the only thing that could be the problem is his ex. But, if you're willing to deal with whatever could come back on you guys in dealing with her, then he should talk with the kids. FH talked with his kids about marrying me so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable expressing how they felt about it with me in the room. Stepparenting sucks, and you guys might as well just bite the bullet now. Maybe FH isn't completely aware of what's going to happen in the future? Things are definitely not going to get any easier...at least for awhile.

I understand where he is comeing from. I am pretty sure he just doesn't want to hurt the relationship with you and his kids. My fh took forever to tell some people its not a huge deal. He will tell them when he is ready.

I just wouldn't want his kids to feel deceived since they live with him half the time and won't have much time to adjust.

I really agree with Jenn--as a child, I'd feel hurt that I wasn't told till the last minute and after everyone else, considering they live 50% of the time with him. And I completely agree with you that you don't want to feel like you are not being honest with them them. I definitely think you should more than casually mention it. Have a real talk about your concerns about it and how important this is to you.

They will definitely need time to adjust, so sooner they are told, the more time they will have before it happens.

How in the world are they sharing custody between PA and AZ? Does she only get them in the summer? You want to find out WHY he is delaying telling his kids. You can't be casual about it. You need to be intentional. And explain your concerns to him. Just b/c you insist on talking about it doesn't mean you're being pushy. I don't know if you have any kids of your own but parents sometimes go to extremes when they are trying to protect & do the right thing by their kids. My FH and I have been together for 6 years now. We met at church. So although my daughter knew him from church, we dated for 3 years before we introduced her to our relationship. Just talk to him.