Feeling Down

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mom is in New Jersey (so effectively trapped). Even if things let up before our May wedding, I have no idea if she'd be able to attend.

Your FH is completely 100% wrong. 1) He should have never said those things. 2) He defended saying those things. 3) He won't even acknowledge your feelings or that his actions hurt you. If he had said things while upset and later apologized, that would still be a problem, but to use his own pain as an excuse for hurting you and then to not feel remorse about its is absolutely unacceptable. People who lash out at those they care about and then defend those actions lack maturity and accountability. Then to brush off your feelings and say you shouldn't dwell on it - that shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person.

Frankly, if he cannot at the very least admit that his actions were wrong and hurtful, then I don't think you should marry him. Someone who uses their own emotions as leverage to hurt their partners don't deserve to have partners.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I only hope that maybe the stress of all of the coronavirus stuff will help you and your FH see each other's true colors and can help you sort out whether marriage is right for you (either now or ever). Not everyone has to deal with a major pandemic in their lifetime but there will always be things that are super stressful (the death of a family member, raising a kid, losing a job, etc) that will test you and your relationship. If your FH can't be there for you while planning your wedding during a pandemic, what else will cause him to crack and lash out? The best advice I have is know your own worth and don't settle for someone who doesn't know your worth.

I am so sorry your FH said those things to you, while I can understand why'd you be hurt by this, I don't know if I would do what every other bride is saying and leave him and cancel the engagement.

My FH has also said some really painful things to me in the past, and I've also hurled some pretty bad remarks onto him as well. At the end of the day, we're both not saints when it comes to this relationship.

However, no matter how bad our arguments got with one another, we've always worked it out and went back on the same page. There were many times we've been so close to breaking up, that it's a wonder how we're still together, but we've always found a way to reconcile. Honestly, there are some people that might read this and say we're better apart than together, but they probably don't understand that we've been at this for 8 years. Maybe I'm delusional, and maybe we aren't in the greatest relationship in the world, but to me, relationships are about ups and downs. However, through every up and down we've had we've always worked it out and solved it together as a team.

I don't know how long you and your FH have been together, maybe it's been 1 year, maybe it's been 10 years. Regardless, my advice would not be to throw away the things you've accomplished together and the things that you can accomplish together.

In all honesty though, definitely postpone to next year.

Hi Jaimie! Three years is a long time, but I don't think it's long enough that you should be experiencing these feelings at least once a week (not that this is ever okay, but especially earlier on). You guys are potentially signing up for a lifetime of stressful situations together. It might not be a pandemic, or more problems with wedding planning but they will happen. I agree with everyone else that you should consider this and take some time to work through it and get to a point where he can handle stressors with you and not add extra burden to you. You deserve a partner, and someone who can help pick you up. You're going through the same stressful situation as he is, so you also need some support! That's not to say that people can't have bad days and no one is perfect, but this does seem to cut a little too deep for me. I know it must be difficult to consider walking away from so many memories and have these feelings about someone you have gotten so close to marriage with. But you do have to put yourself first in this type of situation and decide what is ultimately best for you. I wish you all the best and if you ever want to chat feel free to message me!

HONEY! I seriously would never commit the rest of my life to someone that had that in their heart. Never mind possibly have that person father my future children?! NO! It's the HARDEST thing to realize that who you thought was your forever person is not who you wish they were. Opening your eyes now will save you from even more hurt in the future! I am so so so glad I left a similar relationship like that where I thought the guy was just "short tempered" or "under stress" and 10000 other excuses we make when someone treats us like garbage! The day I realized that there is NEVER an excuse for someone who should love you to say such horrible things changed my life and thank goodness I left guys like yours because I wouldn't have found a love that I didn't even realize could possibly exist, that I've found in my FH. YOU need to love YOU and realizing that you are possibly about to spend the rest of your life with a jerk that will only get more hurtful with time but that it doesn't have to be that way may be the greatest thing you ever do for yourself! It's unbelievably hard to do what is right right now, but future you will thank yourself each and every day, I can say from experience! It will seem like your world is done, everything is over, but it is JUST THE BEGINNING!!! There is someone out there that will thank the stars every day that they met you, not ever make you feel unwanted, no matter how much stress is in their lives!

Do not let "men" go with this excuse! Their gender has nothing to do with being unkind, or expressing yourself in the form of hurtful words... Men and women need to be held accountable for their actions and their words!