Jai
Rockstar May 2020

Feeling Down

Jai, on April 10, 2020 at 1:47 PM Posted in Community Conversations 1 86
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I really need to vent and I haven't vented to anyone about this. Last night my FH said some hurtful things to me due to him being under stress. A little backstory: our wedding date is May 9th and we live in NJ. Our state is locked down til May 7th. Originally our venue was going to give us our $ back, but now we are going back and forth with them because they don't want to & would rather us reschedule, but we dont want to. Already decided to get married with 10 people or less in attendance once NJ isnt on lockdown. We even contacted an attorney and it's very stressful for us. Last night he was very upset (I'm more calm out of the 2 of us) and said he regrets proposing to me, getting engaged and even meeting me. Said if none of that happened then we wouldn't be going through this now. I approached him about it this morning saying how my feelings are very hurt and he apologized, but said he meant what he said in the moment last night because of how bad he was feeling and that I shouldn't dwell on it. My response was that's the first time anyone has ever told me they regret meeting me etc. I feel like crap & have no idea what to do.

86 Comments

Latest activity by Jai, on April 12, 2020 at 5:53 PM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry he said some really hurtful things to you and that's a big red flag to me. i completely get that under stressful situations such as the pandemic that you will feel some type of way and the stress might make you say things you might regret but at the end of the day him SAYING "i wish we were never engaged or that i never even met you" is not to be mixed up with "i wish we never planned a wedding celebration" - because you really can't mix up "i wish i never met you" for THAT, ya know?

    i just want you to reflect on does he normally react in situations that are stressful in that type of way? does he usually lash out at you when he's stressed?

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    What you should do is leave him. Or at the very least, put all wedding conversations to the side until you guys are on the same page. You shouldn’t marry someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way you do.
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  • A
    Super October 2021
    Ashley ·
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    Oh my gosh. That’s so incredibly hurtful and heartbreaking. I don’t know how he can just say for you not to dwell on it, especially when he admitted that he meant it in the moment. That makes it so, so much worse. He’s not validating your feelings, and you have absolutely every right to be hurt and angry. Something so terrible is not something you can or should just forget about. This is something that needs to be addressed. At the very least, you need to have more conversations about it and some inner reflections. You also need to know that you did NOT deserve that and it’s not your fault. What he said was unacceptable and inexcusable. It doesn’t matter how badly he felt. Trying to hurt you as a result is cruel. Please don’t just let it go because he will think that lashing out at you when he’s angry and saying things to hurt you on purpose is okay to do.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you for your kind words and advice. It means alot to me. And yes he can be over the top, we even do counseling and currently telehealth counseling. It has improved our relationship, but last night was like 10 steps backwards and mind blowing. And yes he normally does, he has ADHD so he gets wired up easily. They even mentioned he might be bipolar and after I think about his reaction to certain events I wonder if it is true. I also work in mental health and see certain patterns. I feel drained.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you for your advice! I will be putting aside wedding conversations for now. I am hurt and cant see a future with someone who said those things.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you for being supportive! And I plan on revisiting the conversation with him because what happened wasnt okay, and it was pretty messed up.
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  • S
    Dedicated August 2021
    Salem ·
    • Flag
    Hi Jamie. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so upset and hurt right now. I’m in Manhattan with my fiancé and trust me I know how the current state of things are affecting people. It’s truly a test on any relationship having your whole world of planning just stop in its tracks. I agree the things your FH said are extremely hurtful I would feel devastated as well. I think you are have every right to get more of an explanation of what he meant. Yes he could have said them in anger and impulsively without thinking , even the next day but it doesn’t negate the after effects of the words he chose to say to you. He needs to either explain fully what he meant and if it’s true he should be honest with you before you two move forward and build a life together. So he definitely needs to tell you if his words were truly out of anger and trying to hurt you because he was feeling frustrated. At the end of the day deserve to be with someone who respects and appreciates your presence in their life everyday. Keep your head up and stay strong ❤️
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    You're sweet I appreciate it. And you're right if I need to be respected at all times. Hes very impulsive.
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  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    After he said them, did he apologize for saying it or anything?

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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Not last night. But this morning he just said sorry it hurt my feelings but because of the way he felt last night he meant them. But that didnt make me feel better at all
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    This is all a big red flag. If he meant it when he said it and admits he meant it when he said it, he means it all the time. No matter how angry I am with someone I would never I wish I had never met them.
    I’m sorry he said those things to you and that he doesn’t seem to care that it hurt you so deeply. That doesn’t make sense. Someone that loves you would never want to hurt you and he clearly doesn’t care if he does or not. Please continue with the counseling and look deeper to what your relationship is. Good luck.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    You ladies are so supportive I love it. And I said the same thing. Despite all our disagreements I would never tell him I regret meeting him because I dont. And I will look deeper before i say "I do"
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  • Jeneique
    Savvy April 2021
    Jeneique ·
    • Flag
    Hi Jamie ,
    Let me start by saying , I hear you and your feelings are valid . The things that were spoken were hurtful and do need some explaining. You deserve to be #1 in your fiancés life and feel like your wanted . I’m sending you so much love today ❤️, you deserve so much of it . I’m also sending you healing vibes to help you heal mentally and emotionally. Life is hard and quarantine , money and stress makes life harder.
    A suggestion that can possibly work is trying to get the answer in different forms. Such as , writing it down on a piece of paper or in a letter of how you feel. Also there is a teqnique where you sit with your significant other back to back and ask questions . Sometimes it’s hard to say something or explain something that’s full of so many emotions . Sometimes it’s hard to look someone in the eye and explain your feelings.
    I’m quarantine with my fiancé and he’s driving me pretty freaking crazy , like I want to pull my hair out !!! . I suffer from ADHD and I know it’s so hard for my organized and straightforward to deal with me . Are relationship is definitely being tested and we have has to have real talks more then usual. It’s hard right now , stressful and just crazy . Check and see if you hit any of his triggers and see how to clam him down . Changing your tune with words such as “I appreciate or “I value “ once a day helps out to
    I hope you work through all these emotions and you feel acknowledged . It’s important that you do , you deserve it !
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank u! I like the methods you mentioned. Especially sitting back to back. And I appreciate all the good things you're sending my way😍💙
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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    That’s really awful that he would say that! I would consider looking into couples counseling... most counselors will do virtual sessions right now. This is a really tough time for most people right now and it’s taking a toll on a lot of relationships. I know like the first 2-3 weeks my husband and I were super happy to be home together but lately we’ve been starting to argue a lot more and we both admit we’re having a shorter fuse with each other than usual. Being stuck inside together for an endless amount of time AND in a stressful situation, is just so rough on any relationship! I can’t even imagine how much worse this would be if we were still planning our wedding at the same time, which is also very stressful, AND having to deal with rescheduling and everything...



    Basically what I’m saying is it’s normal to be fighting and saying things you don’t mean at this point because everything seems like the end of the world right now because... well... honestly world-situations right now seems closest to the “end of the world” that it’s ever felt in any of our lifetimes. But still, I do recommend getting a professional involved to help him sort out his feelings and to help you cope with the hurt I’m sure he’s putting you through now, and to hopefully guide you to a solution for how to handle the wedding!!

    (Also, in another note, NJ is on lockdown until May 7?! Is that official?? I’m in NJ too and the last I heard it was April 30)
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  • Jeneique
    Savvy April 2021
    Jeneique ·
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    Your welcome ! These are hard times and it’s important that we make others aware of how we feel and how we should be treated . Thank you for sharing you traumatic experience. It’s important that we build each other up in these times. Sending you more love ❤️
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Feeling Down 1
    Yep it is! And currently we are doing telehealth couples therapy. I'm calling our therapist later today to talk with him.
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  • N
    Dedicated July 2020
    N ·
    • Flag
    Ouch that hurt my heart just reading it. Sending you some ❤️. I will say though (especially seeing some of your other comments about patterns of potential mental health /behavioral issues) my initial reaction was maybe he really just meant in terms of protecting himself. Like very literally he wouldn’t be feeling his feelings. But that doesn’t and shouldn’t excuse his behavior. And he should also recognize that without you he’d be alone right now and have no one to lean on closely for support. That’s what I’m trying to be thankful for in this crazy crazy time.


    Hopefully with you seeing and being aware of some of the issues he has you can work through them or decide if it something that you’re willing to take on.
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  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    Wow, I am sorry!


    I know what as human beings, we all say things we don't mean, but there are certain things that should not be said. Ever.
    I agree with PP that there's a difference between regretting having planned a big wedding and regretting having met your SO! He twisted the knife 3 different times when he said he wished he had never proposed, gotten engaged, or met you.
    I would not go forward with a May wedding at this point. It sounds like your relationship already had ongoing issues because of his mental health, and this was the biggest escalation. Where do you draw the line?
    There will be stressors in life, and you need to decide whether you're willing to stick around for more of this. He's not going to change overnight, if at all.
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  • Christina
    Devoted July 2020
    Christina ·
    • Flag
    Girl leave ! You don’t deserve that. I don’t care how under the weather anyone is feeling you don’t need to feel like to ur marrying someone who has regrets. I would take this as a sign to move on and be done.
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