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LA girl
Devoted August 2014

Divorced parents: allowing my dad to bring his gf to wedding... bad idea??

LA girl, on February 26, 2014 at 1:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17

My parents have been divorced for many years because my dad fell out of love with my mom. I've accepted it but I know my mom will never be over it Smiley sad My dad has a gf that she doesn't know about. It's serious and they plan to move in together. I think my mom has a feeling, but she's never been able to confirm it. I plan to tell her well ahead of time before she comes for the wedding (she lives in NY). But is it bad that I'm inviting the gf to the wedding? I've gotten to know her and really have no reason to dislike her. She is a nice person and makes my dad happy. In the past my dad has been a closed off person, and she has even helped us become closer by encouraging him to be more open with me.

I would feel so awful telling her and my dad that she shouldn't come to the wedding. But I would also feel so awful for my mom. My FH thinks we should invite the gf, because technically her and my dad are doing nothing wrong. Anybody else gone through this before? Thoughts??

17 Comments

Latest activity by Melanie, on January 19, 2025 at 8:07 AM
  • Jenn
    Expert August 2014
    Jenn ·
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    I haven't been through that but I would have to agree with your FH. I would just let your mom know ahead of time. Like you said, you have no reason to dislike her and her and you dad did nothing wrong. I think if you didn't invite her, that would just hurt your relationship with your dad and his gf. Just give your mom a heads up and seat them across the room from each other.

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  • We'llAlwaysHaveParis
    Master November 2013
    We'llAlwaysHaveParis ·
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    ^^agree with both of the above.

    Your parents issues are between them, and you obviously maintain a relationship with both. Inviting your dad's gf is part of maintaining your relationship with him.

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  • Emily
    Master May 2014
    Emily ·
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    You should definitely invite her. Just talk to your mom in advance.

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
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    I am in the almost exact same position as you. However, my mom does know about the GF and refuses to let her attend. This has been a huge issue in my life over the past year and has been the one thing that made me rethink having a big wedding. My dad has agreed not to bring her because my mother is an unreasonable person and has sworn she'll ruin my day over it if the GF comes. Threatened to push her down the stairs, throw wine in her face and make an announcement about the **** being in the room. She doesn't see why the GF belongs there and no one can convince her otherwise.

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  • D
    Master May 2014
    D ·
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    I'm not going through this but I really think you should invite the GF.

    Good luck.

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  • Z
    Master May 2012
    Zoe ·
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    I think it's the gracious thing to do-- good for you!

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  • Lori
    Master June 2015
    Lori ·
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    Agree with PP's. My parents have been divorced for about 20 years, and my dad is now remarried to one of the women he cheated on my mom with (yes, I said ONE of the women. There were many).

    Luckily, my mom is an adult about things and knows my dad's second wife will be at the wedding, and she'll play nice.

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  • Brittany
    Super June 2014
    Brittany ·
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    If you like her then invite her. Hopefully your mom is adult enough to not act all crazy.

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  • C
    Master July 2014
    csquid ·
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    Nope, I'm not. I let the two of them settle it. My dad is more mature and realizes it just couldn't work. He left it up to his GF and didn't say anything about the drama but she very politely declined. She just moved all the way across the country for work and can't get a lot of time off anyway. Plus she's not "a wedding person" having been left by her husband when they had 3 small children.

    And no offense Ashley but you just have no idea how it is my world so please don't tell me what I shouldn't do. I wasn't the one asking for opinions and this is the one thing I don't want anyone telling me I should do differently.

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  • kristenann
    Master October 2014
    kristenann ·
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    My parents divorced when I was 13 because my mother cheated. My mom was been vocal to me about still loving my father and that she wished that they could work things out even though it's been 16 years. My father is in a serious relationship also (for 2 years now) and I am inviting his girlfriend and her children to the wedding. His girlfriend is a great person to both my father and my family and I would be only hurting my father by not inviting her. While I know my mother will be hurt to see him with someone else, that's something that she needs to come to terms with and move on. It's something that happened a long time ago and should be kept between the two of them.

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  • Becky
    Super September 2014
    Becky ·
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    I am planning my second wedding, but when I got married the first time...time frame:

    March: parent's divorce is final, that NIGHT dad tells us he's getting remarried (to the woman he had an affair with)

    May: dad remarried

    July: I got married....photographer and pastor were aware, everyone stayed away from each other & were grown ups about it. One thing I did was to give my mom my toss bouquet as a surprise and a special "you're my mom & that's special" gift.

    I think having a talk with your mom and making sure she feels special & loved and letting all involved know how important it is to you that they all be able to celebrate with you.

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  • Mrs. Shannon K
    Super April 2014
    Mrs. Shannon K ·
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    I would invite the girlfriend.

    But I'd also first have a discussion with your mom and see how she feels about it.

    My FH's mom isn't coming to the wedding and didn't come to my bridal shower because she doesnt want to be around FH's dad or his wife (they divorced almost 25 years ago and have been remarried for 20 years) and for that, I just think she needs to get over it. It just makes things so uncomfortable and awkward for you. Hopefully, your mom reacts okay to the news and in the future when you throw birthday parties for your kids, all grandparents can be present without any problems.

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  • Aronna
    Master October 2014
    Aronna ·
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    I wouldn't.

    granted, your dad is doing nothing wrong, but planning to move in or not she's still just a girlfriend.

    your mom is your mom, and if it would upset her that badly, then if the girlfriend is such a wonderful person then she should understand that you would want to do what you can to not present something that would upset your mom so much on the day of her daughters wedding.

    you didn't mention how long they've been together. if it's been under a year I personally wouldn't consider it.

    but to be fair, I saw girlfriends come and go after my mom and dad got divorced and really resented my dad getting a attitude that I didn't want to greet each of them with open arms every time a new one came along. so yes, I'm jaded.

    if it was me I'd speak to the girlfriend about it at the very least. if it was me, no matter how much I thought of the bride I wouldn't want to be the person to upset one of the parents so much, reasonable or not.

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  • rusticbride
    Master May 2014
    rusticbride ·
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    My dad married his mistress. My dad and his new wife are paying for the wedding. Mom knew that she would be invited. She's his wife. I had no choice, plus she's contributing to the wedding via their *shared* income.

    It's a step further than your situation but the answer is still the same. You have to invite the girlfriend.

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  • D
    Just Said Yes December 2014
    Do ·
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    It astounds me that people are so insensitive to this issue, opting for "etiquette" (aka "what other people think") instead of what should matter ! FAMILY! It's only "your" most important day - until you have children. Nothing surpasses that love and letting go of that role is hard for moms - especially if she did most of it alone. Her children's wedding is a bigger moment for mom than the bride and groom, who have everything to look forward to. Mom must graciously accept the loss of many things. She knows she's not as important to you as she was - that's life - it's not easy to lose the life you had - but memories help. It should't even be worth discussing. This is one of the most important days of mom's life. For dad's GF, it's a party, something to prove her "status". By even hesitating about dad's girlfriend - you are giving her the same status as the woman who loved you all your life! I don't care what your friends say. The fact that your mother's feelings don't matter more than a random girlfriend is insensitive and mean. Sometimes people are so desperate for the attention of a neglectful, selfish parent, they act the same way to "keep the peace" or "not offend".

    Have some integrity. Stand up for the person who stood up for you all your life. This is not petty. This is a rejection or validation of your mother at the most basic level. She has to take a back seat and she'll always love you but knowing she didn't matter more than dad's gf - is something she won't get over.

    Obviously, I'm not talking about a step mom who helped raise you -and someone you have your own relationship with.

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  • H
    Just Said Yes April 2006
    Holly ·
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    This answer is to the author "Do" who posted 12/10/2014: Don't be astounded by the insensitivity of previous posts. This is the age of extended/blended families with many children from many different partners and is accepted as the new "norm." Sadly, you are the only one who posted on this very very sensitive subject who reveals a proper upbringing and who stands for high moral and ethical values. I would venture to guess, you are not the same age as those who had differing answers and who are exposed to the daily barrage of "whatever" that is so prevalent in today's society i.e., many things are so transient, nothing has much value, including personal relationships. Sad.

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  • M
    Melanie ·
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    I’m in a situation where the daughter is getting married and wants to meet with her parents to tell them the date. She continue to excluded me and I feel it’s because her mom doesn’t have a steady partner anymore. Mind you I just met the mother for the first time in July and that’s only because she had no choice for the engagement. Am I wrong for feeling a way? I have been with her father for 7 years in May this year.
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