Dilemma! I hate dancing and want nothing of it... my fiance loves dancing and wants to dance all night.

No. It doesn't matter what dance it is, I won't do it. The persuasion of "all you have to do is sway back and forth" doesn't work on me. I hate it and it's not an option. I also suffer from various anxiety disorders and tend to fall into panic attacks rather easily.

Actually, I find choreographed dancing far better because then I'm in a group and we're all doing the same thing and I know exactly what to do next. There's also no romantic intimacy attached to it. Just thinking about people watching us share an intimate moment by shuffling aimlessly around a dance floor makes my chest tighten and heart race. I'll dance with my husband on our honeymoon when no one else is around but doing that at our reception is making me want to down an entire bottle of my anxiety meds.

As far of entertainment goes I like games. My family is also very games and I grew up playing hearts and poker and trivial pursuit with them. I also love karaoke. My FH's family likes dancing and drinking, heh.

I'm kind of the same, I just don't hate it with a burning passion like you do. I'm not a big dancer, I feel like I can't dance very well (though nobody's ever said as much) so I get really self-conscious getting out on a dance floor to dance unless it's a slow song. Honestly though, for me, once I'm out there and having fun, I'm okay with it. It just takes awhile. FH and I haven't really discussed this yet, but I think he'd be sad if I didn't dance with him at least some throughout the night.

I agree with Samantha, just kind of two-step it, and just enjoy the time with your new husband!

Also, we're a very geeky couple and love D&D and video games. Many of our friends and family are also geeks but not all of them. Some even have a history of being discriminatory towards geeky stuff, so it's been a bit difficult to find things that everyone will enjoy.

I'm on the verge of saying screw it, it's my wedding and we're playing games because they're fun I like them. Shut up and enjoy it or go home. My FH is a bit more polite and thinks we should focus more on being good hosts. But-... it's *our* wedding!

Any other suggestions? I'm not looking for any "just do some swaying, it's no big deal and you'll have fun" comments because, no I won't have fun and it is a big deal. I'm looking for alternatives that will make both of us happy.

What if the two of you do some sort of choreographed dance for your first dance? You could include the bridal party part way through the song so all eyes aren't just on you and FH. Even if it's a slower song, you can still choreograph a dance to it so you feel more comfortable.

I think if FH agrees to have board games at the wedding you should do at least one dance with him.

Well the thing is that FH loves games too. Heck, he taught me how to play D&D, he's the king of games and geeky stuff. It's not like we're trading one thing of us loves for another. We both love games but only one of us loves dancing.

As for a choreographed dance... maybe. I still don't like the idea of showing off such an intimate moment to 100 people, and doing a choreographed dance just sounds like I'm being paraded around. Still, it's an alternative that I *might* consider and I thank you for the suggestion!

Also, games don't cause my FH to have crippling panic attacks as he doesn't suffer severe anxiety like I do and he doesn't have to see a therapist for it like I do. That's the problem I'm having. If I didn't have the anxiety I'd go ahead and do it anyway to make him happy but hiding in a corner while sobbing and dry-heaving while my limbs slowly go numb from lack of oxygen doesn't really sound like a good way to spend my wedding day.

Okay, now that I read back over this it sounds really ridiculous to be this scared of dancing so I'll fill you in.

I used to be very skilled at dancing. I danced ballet for ten years and I also danced tap, jazz, and ballroom. However, as much knowledge as I had, I had very little natural talent. My hips are stiff and my feet turn in, they're very flat and I have huge bunions. Those are all extremely bad traits to have if you want to be a dancer. So I was very bad at it.

Still, being a naive child I loved it, regardless of how awkward I was. My teacher would send praises to every other kid in my dance class but when she got to me she'd tell me awkwardly "Oh uh, what are you doing with you arms? More turn out. More. More. Keep going. Yeah... we'll work on that later."

Gradually as I got older I started noticing that the other girls were getting their pointe shoes. Eventually these girls were younger than me and had fewer years of training. (Cont...)

... Soon I was the oldest and most experienced girl in the class (not to mention that my sisters were both very talented dancers and my mother danced ballet for thirty years) and I was the only one who still wasn't on pointe.

I started getting picked on and I became an outcast. Bullying was already something I suffered in school and now I was getting bullied in my dance class as well. In a fury of embarrassment and fear and anger I told my mom I wanted to quit and that I never wanted to dance again.

I have since become a very skilled horseback rider and it's something I highly enjoy and I'm quite good at, haha. So yay for new hobby!

But to this day dancing gives me such deep-seated anxiety that I'm not sure I'll ever overcome. If I'm hidden in a group I can deal with it in very certain circumstances but it fills me with such fear and stress that I can't properly put into words.

I hope that gives you a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

Do you have a wedding party? What about doing a short choreographed dance with the whole wedding party instead of a traditional bride and groom first dance? That way less of the attention will be on you because there are more people to watch.

I did dance and horseback riding too!

I'm sorry dance gives you such anxiety. I would compromise with FH by doing the one first dance or something like it, but make it clear to him you won't dance the rest of the reception.

Jeez, it's your day mostly about the bride, throw a dog a bone and enjoy a dance with him.

If your FH has already said he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable then I'd say just don't do dancing. If you maybe promise him you'll dance in your quiet hotel room together on your honeymoon he might even think that is more romantic, or even the night of the wedding when you go to your room and you still have your dress on and everything you can bring some ipod speakers and have that special moment. I think a lot of people feel awkward having people watch them (this is why I know some don't do the garter toss) and even if you have a choreographed dance you might be dreading it the whole day that you don't enjoy the rest. I am not a huge fan of games but I think if I went to a wedding where maybe some music was playing for me to dance, then I could come back and have fun at trivia pursuit that'd be fun! Also you said you like karaoke, maybe you and your FH can do a couples song together that you sing instead of a dance, I think that would be intimate and unique.

I definitely think you should have dancing as an option for your guests, and maybe you'll be feeling happy and confident (with a touch of alcohol possibly) that you'll join in on the dance floor at some point...but if a lot of guests would enjoy games or karaoke then I think that'd be a great alternative. My sister LOVES dancing but at her wedding she was trying to make sure she talked to each of her guests so much that I think she danced a total of four songs, one with her husband, one with our dad, one with me, and the last song of the night. So it might turn out that you're so busy chatting with your guests that no one will notice that you're not on the dance floor.

Now that I think about it more, karaoke would be awesome at a wedding! Do that!

Jay Farrell, you obviously didn't read the part where I have crippling anxiety attacks that I'm currently seeing a therapist and taking meds for.

I'd LOVE to do just one dance with him to make him happy but I fear that just as we're stepping out onto the dance floor I'll suddenly feel my windpipe close up and I'll have to run off and find a corner to sob and rock in until my panic attack subsides.

That happens to me quite frequently so it's a very real possibility. I'd rather just plan to not dance than embarrass myself like that and have people worry over me as I run out of the room. Plus, you know, having a panic attack on my wedding day would just suck in general.

Abby, I am thinking about just choreographing a group dance so thank you! That's a great alternative and it just might work... maybe, haha. Might have to have a session or two with my therapist about nothing but dancing right before the wedding, lol.

Maybe you can dance with your husband alone, after the ceremony or the reception. That way no one will see you and he'll get to dance with you on your wedding day. (Does it cause anxiety if no one is watching?) Otherwise the choreographed group dance is a good idea.

My friend had board games at her wedding. It was a lot of fun.

Would it be at all possible to go with FH to a few dance lessons amongst other wedding couples? This would be a group of people who don't know how to dance and don't know you at all so a) they won't have anything to compare each other to, and b) they don't know your history so you can play the complete uncoordinated novice. Plus it'll be with strangers you'll likely never have seen before and will probably never see again. Everyone will be novices. Just play dumb. Maybe after that you might become more comfortable, even if no more skilled.

I saw it. My achilles heel is heights. But if it came to something that meant a lot to my SO, on an occasion as special as your wedding day is to you, I'd consider practice and doing something that pushes that boundary...just depends. I can't dance well. But until you think about both sides, and possibilities that you first think of as impossible, it will be hard to make an informed decision.

DesertBride, that's a great suggestion and no, I'm fine when no one is around to watch us. I told FH I'll dance with him all night in our private condo on Maui during our honeymoon! Thank you!

Nick, thanks for the suggestion but I don't need a dance class, I need years and years of therapy with a psychiatrist who understands chemical imbalances in the brain.

Unfortunately this is also causing worries for mine and my FH's future as far as married life and kids go. I'm not sure it would be responsible to have kids with my crippling anxiety giving me panic attacks over the smallest things. I can't even hold down a full time job at the moment.

This is a very serious and deep-seated issue that will take a long time to overcome, not just the dancing thing but my anxiety in general.

I would recommend doing some dance lessons with your fiance, and having a first dance with him. After that, don't worry about dancing. I think it would be a lot of fun to have board games available!

The thing is, yes, you need to compromise with your fiance so you both have the wedding you love. But, "I hate dancing and DO NOT want to do it," is incompatible with, "I want to dance with you the whole night." So I see nothing wrong with doing a first dance together (so your new husband will have a first dance experience), and then have him have fun dancing with some guests while you play board games with others. Tah-dah.

Jay Farrell, here's what will almost definitely happen if I agree to dance: Just as we're about to head for the dance floor I'll start to feel my chest tighten. My windpipe will close up, my eyes will water, I'll feel heart palpitations, tunnel vision, sound distortions, blood vessels will cut off flow to my limbs to pump extra blood to my brain and my limbs will start to go cold and numb, and at that point all I can do is run to a dark corner as fast as I can and ride out my panic attack.

Then there'll be an hour or two of recovery while I take deep breaths, drink water, sit quietly while someone talks soothingly to me, fix my makeup and hair, fix the mascara stains on my dress, then by the time I finally get back out to the reception it'll be mostly over.

Even on the off chance that doesn't happen, I've been dealing with anxiety for a long time, I know my body well, and the extremely high risk isn't worth it.

When I say it's not an option, I mean it.