Dilemma! I hate dancing and want nothing of it... my fiance loves dancing and wants to dance all night.

Stephanie, please read all of my posts about my crippling anxiety.

Folks, I'd love to compromise and give my FH a first dance but for reasons I've already stated, that's. not. an option. Period.

At this point my FH is agreeing with me that dancing is a bad idea. He's very concerned for my health and he doesn't want to risk things. This is a health concern, not just about hating to dance.

And the last thing I need is dance lessons! I danced ballet/tap/jazz/ballroom for ten years so I KNOW how to dance. Besides, it's an anxiety issue that will take years of therapy. Forcing myself to do something that gives me panic attacks has only proven to make things worse which I've had to discover the hard way.

I'm looking for alternatives, not compromises. Thank you for understanding.

Genevieve, I think you will have a great reception, even if there is no dancing. If your FH is okay with skipping it, then just skip it. You don't want to put yourself into a situation which would trigger a panic attack, and end up ruining your day. I fully support your no dancing idea.

Karaoke is a great idea. My FH loves to dance, and he even suggested we do Karaoke at our reception because he thinks it will be fun. Right now I'm still trying to figure out how to go about planning this though. I'll have to consult with my DJ to see if this is possible.

Along with typical board games, what about doing some other games that you would typically see at like a wedding shower? (ie How well do you know the bride and groom, The Shoe Game, He Said/She Said, Mad Libs, or other ice-breaker type games).

Also, what about getting a photobooth? That will give guests something else to do, and it could be really fun.

Just make sure there is plenty for guests to do, and you'll be fine.

I can't speak for anyone else but I wasn't suggesting lessons for educational purposes. I meant them as a way to involve yourself in a group setting where there is no pressure as a way to acclimate to the idea.

But if you cannot dance at your wedding under any circumstances then don't. This shouldn't even be an issue. Forget about it. If FH knows you as well as an FH should then he'll understand. Yeah he may be disappointed but it is what it is. It's just not possible right now. Maybe after some work with your therapist for a few years you can have a vow renewal and have your "first" dance (which obviously will not be your real first dance) then. The wait and work you will have done to get to that point emotionally might even make it more special.

My advice is to forget it entirely. Instruct the dj or band there will be no "first" dance and no parents' dance, so he is not to make that announcement, just open the floor to dancers and start the party. No fanfare, just a damn good time!

It sounds like you have way more to worry about in your life at the moment. Talk to FH and spill your guts (if you haven't already) and you'll go from there.

But seriously, my vote is scrap the entire thing. Who cares what other people think! It's your day to have fun and celebrate your new marriage and your love for FH. Do it how you want to do it. In this situation I think compromising will only serve to make you suffer. Like you said, this isn't a phobia it's a sickness. Don't treat it as anything else.

Some other ideas could be having a smores bar or candy bar, or some type of "make your own dessert" would be interactive and fun.

I have also heard of hiring a caricature artist. That would be really unique.

If you still want to have dancing for guests, that is fine. But if you decide to go the no dancing at all route, I suggest at least having some background music playing. Just so it isn't super quiet if people are involved in their games and such.

Thanks, Alysa! Those are all great suggestions. Though we were recommended against having a photo booth by our venue because our reception hall is kinda small and there isn't really room for it.

As for karaoke we're not going to have a DJ so we were thinking about just buying or renting a karaoke machine. Our venue is providing us with a sound hookup. They said all we need is a music player to plug the speakers and mic into.

I did musical theater for years so singing is totally my thing. I just hope I can keep myself from hogging the karaoke machine all night, haha!

Yeah, I think I just need to do some research on good large-group games that require little to no set up, have simple rules, and that encourage lots of social activity. Trivia is an excellent idea and I know my family loves trivia-based games. We're a bunch of nerds, haha.

Also, your name makes me happy because my little sister/MOH's name is Alyssa.

If the anxiety is crippling my dear than ask him what would be just as fun for him. He wants to marry you which means he wants to be by your side through thick and thin. As long as you both are happy...have music for everyone to dance to (I have 2 spare DJ's I wanna fire lol) but have the main entertainment represent what is important to you. Compromising with the FH will be the best route...and honestly if you feel like you must dance just keep practicing with him...you might have fun practicing? I suffer from severe anxiety about people in general but with therapy and my Boo I am completely ready to face this day with a smile.I know I am throwing things into my "big day" that will make me smile such as my bridesmaids all wearing converse shoes...so I guess I would say compromise and find out what you can do that is about you!!

Nick: Thanks. I've talked to FH and he agrees so we'll be scrapping the first and parent dances entirely and just doing what we both think is fun.

Alysa: Oh! It's funny you should say that because my mother is a professional dessert and candy maker (she's doing our cake) and has offered to set up a treats table. Our wedding is Christmas-themed so it's totally appropriate, and actually quite perfect. I also kinda want to do different treats based on the different numbers from The Nutcracker. Some of our ceremony songs are from that ballet.

And other people will totally be welcome to dance! We'll have music playing all night and we have a dance floor so people can dance all they like. I just know that myself and many of our friends and, well, at least my family are more introverted, nerdy people who aren't much for dancing, so I'd like to offer fun alternatives for everybody, not just me.

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help a little. I'm sure whatever you decide, it will be great. Wedding planning is stressful enough as it is, so there is no need to add fuel to that fire. Do whatever you and your FH are comfortable with. There is no right or wrong. It's your day, and you can choose to spend it however you like!

FutureMrsJK: OMG I hear you! Social anxiety is probably the worst for me at the moment, too. Being severely introverted on top of it isn't helping any. Realistically, this should be a thread about how to get around ALL the socially acceptable wedding traditions without triggering my anxiety, haha.

Having to participate in small talk just about makes me want to curl up into a ball and wish I could disappear. So instead of walking around to all the tables just to talk to people about whatever, I thought having some fun, ice-breaking social games would be a great alternative. I'll be more comfortable and I can still talk to people and meet with those friends and relatives that I don't get to see often.

FutureMrsJK: Also, I'm so glad that you've been able to make your day your own and work around your obstacles. It's really, really tough.

Converse shoes sound awesome and now I'm sad I didn't think of that before. I already have most of our apparel planned out and ordered, haha. Nuts!

Though slipping into my converse during the reception for a little more comfort might be fun. I'll see who notices first, lol.

I think if social games keep you happy then do them. Social anxiety sucks! I am terrified to meet his family I haven't met yet and to be in a white dress in front of everyone... I do know my Boo gets it and is holding my hand. I also know that part of my solution was to spend a little extra on the dress so I had a good suit of armor when I met these people. If I feel protected and in control then the day will go well...dancing is such a small part. You are marrying the love of your life...the extra is the frills and bows that keep everyone else happy. But you will be married even if you don't dance. The ceremony is very important...everything else....as my FMIL says ALL the time "just breathe"...

Depending how far away your wedding is (can't see date on my phone), talk to your therapist about this. There are cognitive behavioral techniques that she can help you with in overcoming this anxiety for this one special night (exposure therapy, etc).

Edit to add: This is only if you want to work on this goal. Don't just do it for FH, do it for you.

I love to dance but DH feels awkward. I practically danced all night while he danced to maybe 5 songs. Two of the five songs included our first dance and the parent dance. DH does not like tons of attention. To ease the pressure we danced by ourselves for 1.5 minutes and then the DJ invited other people on to the dance floor after that.

Could you do something that would reflect your love for D&D? Like, I am sure I am going to offend you for not using the right terms...but could you do something like LARPing? Not dancing, but still on the dance floor doing something you actually enjoy. That could count as your first dance, and then FH can party it up on the dance flor the rest of the night.

At first I was going to suggest dancing lessons as a way to acclimate yourself to the idea, as someone else suggested. Then I read the rest of your posts. I think you made the best decision. If it causes you that much anxiety, don't do it. Anyone who read through all that and still thinks you should just "suck it up" and do it, obviously doesn't get it.

I feel almost the same way about dancing. Hate it with a passion. Don't do it. For my wedding though I did take lessons but without having a few glasses of wine already I am pretty sure I would have been puking in the ladies room over it. Since I don't actually recommend alcohol as a way to deal with it, I support the decision you've made

Let's not focus on the dancing-- let's focus on the 'gripping panic attacks'-- go see a reputable therapist, one who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. Phobias and anxiety are very treatable, usually just with talk therapy, and certainly if you're open to medication. This sounds like it goes a lot further than dancing/not dancing for you. Take care of the bigger issue, and the dancing may resolve itself.

And, even if it doesn't-- you FH chose you, knowing this about you-- he might be disappointed to not dance with you at the wedding, but he had to see this coming.

Look into treatment for your anxiety, and if you can't resolve that in time for the wedding, consider his letting you sit it out and your permission to him to dance the night away with anyone else in the room, as gifts you give each other.

What I am not understanding is that I assume your FH knows about your panic/anxiety disorder, has seen you in the state you describe and would (I assume) prefer to protect you from experiencing these symtoms. Why would he even suggest that you do something on your wedding day that would end in your sheer terror? Whether or not he likes it, your guests like it or whatever try a firm NO. If you still feel you owe it to him perhaps a Xanax and a glass of wine would take the edge off?

Make your grand entrance with your wedding party and immediately go into a group dance. You and FH can hide in the middle of the group.

I get it. This isn't a quick fix, and a pep talk isn't going to change a blessed thing. This is a deeply rooted issue, and it's part of your hardwiring. I suspect this goes back to hearing your dance teacher criticize you. Not only did she let you know that what you were doing looked wrong (anxiety #1), but she called you out in front of a group (anxiety #2). Unless people have up close and personal experience with anxiety disorders, it's impossible to understand the physical and chemical reactions that seriously assault a person who's in the midst of crippling panic.

You are who you are. You've gone to great lengths to explain that it's off the table. If you are currently in therapy, why not bring FH to a session and let the therapist explain the depth of your anxiety. Brides pick and chose which traditions work for them; in your case, the first dance may be out. Nobody, including FH, wants to see you in the lounge recovering from an anxiety attack on your wedding day.

I have an idea that just might work...

When I was in high school one of my classmates was super shy ...we had to do a power point ... He filmed himself doing the power point and played the tape for everyone. It was awesome.

Maybe you two could tape your first dance beforehand privately and play it for your guests??