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McKenzie
Just Said Yes August 2021

Debating uninviting friend who ruined my bachelorette party

McKenzie, on April 8, 2021 at 3:38 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 27
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This is long, but it’s important I provide details to get the full picture.


The friend I am considering uninviting is someone who has been a part of my friend group since college. We even lived together at one point, but he has always been closer and nicer to the other girls (my best friends/BMs) and I never really cared because he tends to rub me the wrong way. There have been a few incidents where this friend has called me the cruelest things under the sun, always in a drunken rage. At this point, I think he is just a bad drunk because he always apologizes and sneaks his way back into my good graces. My FH is aware of these incidents and has kept him at an arms length, respecting my friendship with him. Our friendship is shallow, as in I have been there to help him and he hasn’t done the same for me. I don’t think we have even hung out 1-1 before. My friends assume we are close because I’m not reactive to him.
Fast forward to my bachelorette party. He somehow joins by assuming he’s invited, but I didn’t mind because I was so excited to celebrate with my BMs, nothing was going to ruin it. This friend proceeds to get blackout drunk at a bar and gets kicked out, but before he leaves he follows me to the bathroom (entering the ladies room even though he’s a man) and tries to follow me into the stall and it caught me off guard because I didn’t want him to be in there with me. He begins to pull/bang on the door yelling to let him in, I say NO 10X. It truly scared me.
I tell my FH about this incident and my FH tells me this is the last straw and he can’t stand watching someone disrespect me over and over again. Like he wanted to knock this guy out. I plan to talk to the “friend” about his actions and how distraught I still am over them and tell him that if he goes to the wedding, he’ll be under a microscope, not genuinely welcomed by FH, my parents, and some BMs because there’s no way in hell he’s ruining the best day of my life.
Ultimately I’m scared of: the fallout if I uninvite him, my friends/BMs not understanding how poorly he has treated me, and them thinking I’m just dramatic. It’s keeping me up at night and I would love to hear if anyone else would tolerate this behavior for the sake of keeping the peace, or if they think I should uninvite him.

27 Comments

Latest activity by Ivory, on April 13, 2021 at 2:14 PM
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    Um, that was assault.

    Where were your friends? The bar staff? The bouncer?

    This man should be nowhere near anyone you know.

    And if they ask why, *he assaulted you*.

    I'm so sorry.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    If your other friends won't believe you, then they are not friends. You should never have to worry about what people you are in a relationship will think when you are in destress. Cut this person out of your life and if people want to join him all the better. Start your married life off with only the people who truly support you.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2020
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Hi McKenzie, I usually am in the camp of giving others a second chance, but not in this case. I agree with previous posts, this person sounds dangerous. Given the fact you are not close with this individual, it is appropriate to not have him present at the wedding. If I were in your shoes, I’d speak to your girlfriends individually and explain what happened in the bathroom. This gives them a clear understanding of what happened without the other girls influence. Perhaps tell the “friend” you wish him all the best but after this incident, it is for the best he not be a guest at your wedding. Good luck ❤️
    • Reply
  • Sharon
    Super September 2021
    Sharon ·
    • Flag
    Uninvite this "friend" from your wedding immediately. Then kick him out of your life for good! NO ONE deserves to be disrespected like that, drunk or not. No one should stay in a toxic relationship because of what others will think or they wouldn't understand. He's repeatedly been abusive towards you and therefore does not deserve to be in your life. I get how hard of a conversation this will be and that it might lead to a fallout with some of your friends. A true friend would not want you to tolerate being treated like this. You deserve so much better.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I absolutely agree with this. Who knows what he would have done in his drunken rage if he had got in the bathroom with you.


    Ditch him as a friend and anyone else who doesn't support your decision. He is more than a toxic friend he is a danger to your safety. Him getting this way when he is drunk isn't an excuse. And his apologies are just empty words because he hasn't taken any action to change how he is. He becomes violently drunk then apologizes the next day and then goes and does it again because everyone accepts his apology.
    I dated a guy who would get nasty drunk, he has called numerous people out for fights, even family members of mine. Finally I had enough of his toxic behavior and left him. He was the same always apologized the next day but never changed.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    There is an essay called “The Missing Stair” about this sort of person in your friend group.
    The thing is - his behavior is so incredibly out of line I gasped. But you guys don’t see it because everyone just treats him like a missing stair. It will make sense when you read the essay.
    This guy is not your friend. Your other friends are enabling him. There is not a single reason why you ever have to set eyes on him ever again.
    • Reply
  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
    • Flag

    I agree with everyone else! This is insane to me from start to finish!

    I don't even now that I would waste my energy having a talk with him about his actions. If it were me, I would make it short and sweet and be done -- "I don't have any desire to carry on with this friendship after the total disrespect I've dealt with, and my bachelorette was confirming of my feelings. My wedding day isn't a day I'm willing to risk being ruined for the sake of this "friendship"." Or even "My fiancé and I have decided you are not welcome at our wedding." and let him put the pieces together.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! I don't think this guy is or has ever been a true friend of yours just based off of this brief explanation of his character! And your other girlfriend's colors will show if they don't back you 100% with your decision. I think you are completely justified in feeling the way you do! Nip the toxic people and never look back.

    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    This person is not your friend.

    This goes far beyond your wedding day. This person does not belong at your wedding or in your life, period.

    Uninvite him, and enlist whoever you need to to back you up and keep him out. Make sure event staff are aware that if this man shows up, he is to be removed or trespassed.

    After the wedding day, any fallout will simply show everyone's true colors. Anyone who tries to lash out at you over this isn't your friend, either. They get one chance to hear your side - which is that this man predatorily followed you into the bathroom - and if they side with him, they are not your friends.

    I'm sorry this happened to you.

    • Reply
  • A
    Expert September 2022
    Allie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

    • Reply
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree 100% with Rebecca. I'm so sorry you had that experience, and you should feel safe and comfortable at your own wedding. His actions were inexcusable.


    Also, alcohol does not change people. It doesn't make someone nonviolent become violent. Alcohol lowers the person's inhibitions to a point where they don't care about how it looks, they just do what they want. This is because the part of the brain that is primarily affected by alcohol is the part which controls our inhibitions and forethought. Following you into the bathroom and calling you all those names those other other times wasn't him just being a "mean drunk," it was him without a filter. And you don't need that toxicity in your life.
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Dedicated May 2021
    Emily ·
    • Flag
    I had a similar situation in where my bachelorette party was ruined by two ex bridesmaids. They ended up leaving at 1am our first night and a major falling out. One of the girls and I were great friends for 7 years (so i thought). The other girl is her best friend and i honestly only included her as a bridesmaid bc were in the same circle of friends & i felt bad everyone was included in our wedding but her. The girl i was closet with found out when she got to my bachelorette that her dog died unexpectedly. We felt so bad and comforted her. She ended up making the whole night about her and it ended with the girl i was closet crying and apologizing for running my weekend. The other girl left without saying a word and we haven’t spoken since! The girl i was closet with called me two days later screaming at me saying I’m a horrible person and blah blah. I ended up kicking them out of our bridal party and uninivting them to our wedding. I’m in a similar situation as you bc all our groomsman are friends with her. They understood why they were no longer welcomed & i feel so much better! It’s honestly going to be a sigh of relief if you uninvite him!
    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag
    Nope, don't invite him. He attempted to assault you. If your friends don't understand that then thats super unfortunate but you shouldn't put up with that just to keep the peace with your friend group.
    • Reply
  • McKenzie
    Just Said Yes August 2021
    McKenzie ·
    • Flag
    Wow, the support in this thread is truly incredible, it brought tears to my eyes that you all are affirming what my gut tells me. Thank you all so much! I’m not a person who cuts people off, but a conversation will be had, it will suck, but my wedding day will be so much better. After this.
    • Reply
  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    So so glad you have decided to cut him out of your life. This type of decision can be really hard when you start to second guess how you feel based on how others are telling you you SHOULD feel. Trust your gut and your instincts, especially if your FH feels the same way!


    Also, I second the opinion that you should tell the wedding staff who he is and that he might try to crash your event, especially since he has proven himself to be an angry/aggressive drunk. He already invited himself to one event so I wouldn't trust him to respect your wishes when you uninvited him to your wedding (no matter what he says when you talk about it).
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    That is abuse and assault. Press charges, uninvite him and go permanent no contact.

    Make sure security is to contact police if shows up.

    • Reply
  • Monica
    VIP October 2021
    Monica ·
    • Flag
    I agree. If you have security, show them a photo and tell them that person IS NOT allowed on the premises. Since he decided to show up to your bachelorette without an invite, he might do the same for the wedding. Your BMs should support your decision to uninvite him and unfriend him. His behavior is toxic and NOT okay.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Send him a written note, when you are sure he will be sober ( reading mail at home, or email some morning at work. Tell him that you have seen him drunk one time too many, each time he has been unpleasant to you personally after drinking , and you do not want him at your wedding.



    • Reply
  • AJ
    Super October 2022
    AJ ·
    • Flag

    Yeah this person isn't a friend in any sense of the word - uninvite him and don't have any contact going forward - if he shows up at your wedding anyways have him escorted out and make sure he doesn't come back if he does call police.

    • Reply
  • S
    Savvy November 2021
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I would rather be alone than having a friend like that! You need to create boundaries and let him know what he did to you was not okay!
    • Reply
  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry I only read half of it but even then he needs to be immediately uninvited. There is no room for someone like that. I was in a similar boat and I just kept letting my “friend” do his thing but it was NOT ok and not ok with me and it finally snapped that he really didn’t make me happy and he was just doing things to get attention for himself. I felt LOADS better after un inviting him from my bridal party and life basically. I’ve never looked back.
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