Court house wedding - etiquette question - UPDATED

This honestly sounds like your original plan, minus dinner for everyone.

I'm just stuck in a hard spot. FH doesn't want a lot of people at the ceremony and dinner, yet wants to party with our friends and family. I think maybe this is a "know your guests" type of situation, and is maybe a normal thing for our small town in Wisconsin, but etiquette is sitting on my shoulder and begs to differ. We are just having such a hard time agreeing on any plans at all. I just don't know how we will be able to come to a compromise.

Can someone please hammer some etiquette into his head? Not looking forward to our discussion tomorrow.

Why not have a private ceremony with the small group and have a reception with DINNER, drinks and dancing for everyone?

I think that's the most polite way to do this and a good middle ground to compromise on.

I'm from Wisconsin and I've never been invited to just a reception so I think the small town excuse is just that, an attempt at an excuse. Have you guys looked into getting married Friday night at the courthouse and doing your dinner with parents/witnesses, and then hosting your friends for brunch/lunch the next day? I'm not 100% sure of the etiquette either but just snacks and drinks seems a little odd to me and I'm not sure how it's saving any planning stress. It's almost like a tiered wedding but instead of some guests not being invited to the ceremony they're all not invited to the dinner...

^^ agree with them

Yes, I know that this is bad etiquette, but I am having a hard time making FH understand that. Just frustrated and really don't know what to do.

It sounds nice! The ones who weren't at dinner don't necessarily have to know and if they do it's ok! They are still included in your marriage memories. And it's about what you want to do. Nothing else matters!

Show him these responses.

eta: except Miaylssai's response. DON'T show him hers LOL

Yes! So rude! And no, its definitely not a "know your crowd situation." It's tiered, and people will know that they have been tiered. They will also know that they weren't good enough to witness your marriage, but good enough to attend a reception.

You want the party celebration without the dinner, and at 8pm. Either have a small courthouse wedding with a small intimate reception. Or have your wedding with a dinner reception.

Also, I get that your FH wants a certain way, but we can't school him, you have too, unless you want to show him this thread. Either way, its rude, which you do know. So stand your ground lady, Ceremony with everyone invited and reception with dinner for everyone.

Ew, Mialyssia.

This is the same thing as your old plan, except rude that people can't come to the ceremony or dinner.

@Miaylssai Ewe No! I see this is your first posting. Welcome to the forum. Please do a bit of lurking.

"The ones who weren't at dinner don't necessarily have to know and if they do it's ok!!"

YES, they will know, and no, its NOT okay, and they won't be okay with it!

The old plan included everyone coming to the ceremony, cocktail hour, and a buffet style dinner... I mean I literally had everything planned with proper etiquette thanks to all of you ladies.

He doesn't want all that. I suggested the court house and dinner WITHOUT the reception to him and he was good with that, but then still wants a party afterwards.

I ask him what he pictures when he pictures our wedding day, he says he pictures nothing but him and I getting married. We would elope if I would just say yes, but I want my grandmother there, and that is the most important thing to me. Eloping is not an option.

Hmm. My FH was the same way. I told him that etiquette was important to me / my family and that I wasn't going to allow his butt to start our marriage off without it.

Remember that its also about what you want too. So if he wants the party, then you get the etiquette. Otherwise, courthouse with small dinner, and no tiered reception.

Put him on this thread OP! Also, is it the cost that is making him question the actual reception?

Here is what we're doing.

3:30 - 5:00 - Reveal, photos with family and our "faux" bridal party.

5:00 - 6:45 - Dinner w/ Family + faux bridal party at the taco bar.

7:00 - Welcome guests to our venue.

7:10 - 8:00 - Ceremony, champagne toast, speeches.

7:00/8:00 - onward. We're having a huge selection of meats, cheeses, dips, seasonal veg, fruit, etc. People can decide if they want a light meal beforehand - we're spelling it out for them on the website, but the 7 pm start time on the invite should tip them off that we're not doing a formal dinner. Then we have a candy bar out all night too. All this will be available and refreshed throughout the night starting at 7 pm when people arrive.

9:00 - Cake cutting & dessert table

10:45 - late night nacho bar.

2 am - last call

We have premium open bar.

What's a faux bridal party? Well its my friends who i'd as to be bridesmaids, but I don't want them to do all the regular traditional sh*t and feel like they have to buy a dress. It's a cocktail party. So they're just gonna hang out with me, have photos, do dinner at the taco bar and away we go.

Why no meal? To be honest, the best weddings I've gone to have chacuterie and antipasto, the sit down meal is lame as f*ck 99% of the time. By the way I'm a gluten free vegan so there will be lots of options for everyone.

Open bar is a must, we sprung for premium.

I'm fine with people telling me how rude and horrible my wedding is. I just wanted to show you what I'm doing so you can get some ideas of how to approach it with your FH.

Yes, I would say it is the cost and I think the fact that I have an extremely estranged relationship with my father and his family is part of the reason he wants to elope and doesn't want to make a big to-do out of our wedding. We really don't want them there but feel obligated, but that's a story for another day.

He's just so stubborn about everything and now his mother, the least etiquette(? does that even make sense) person ever, in his ear about everything (she was initially trying to offer to self cater for 150+ guests).

^^^what?

ETA: that was for Vanilla.

@Sarah, good, you can eat all the food there. There will be a ton.

ps. its the ceremony and reception.

Vanilla, why are you proud of being rude?

Oh god, so much bad advice, so little time.

No. You cannot do this, nor can Myalissa or Vanilla, because it's stinking rude as fuck and yes, people will talk and find out. Vanilla, that is about as awful as you can get without making them pay for liquor.

What you can do is one of two things.

Do a private ceremony; that is totally fine IF you keep it totally private, as in less than 10. Then you can either do a nice dinner for a small group or a big casual party for a lot of people, but not both. What he wants is unworkable and shitty.

You collectively stand up to his mom, tell her what you're doing (as opposed to asking if she's okay with it, and proceed.

Seven oclock is dinner time. You don't make people fend for themselves and then feed them some apps and cake. That is a ridiculous plan.

Where do you guys (not OP since she is putting up a fight) come up with these gross ideas?