Controlling Parents: Trying to Stop My Wedding

Have they always been this way? Or are they only giving you a hard time about the wedding?

They've controlled me my whole life. The older and closer I get to leaving home permanently the worse it gets. They even tried to tell me what to do while I was away at college. They're playing the blame game and have already burned a bridge with their daughter-in-law by doing the same thing.

Wow. It might be time to walk away :-( You're an adult and are capable of making your own life decisions. I can't imagine having to wait to get married until my parents told me I could. That's ridiculous, and incredibly outdated. Were they planning on giving your betrothed a dowry too? FH and I joke that my parents owe him a goat (even though I always thought it should be the other way around). Do what you want, live your life, and they can either fight you or decide to support you. But that's their choice. You have to do what's best for you and your life.

-- double post --

You are 24 years old. You are an adult. It's time your parents realized this. If you are paying your own way and doing things for yourself. You are perfectly capable of making a decision.

I had to move out of my parents house and be on my own. It wasn't the easiest thing to do but I do not regret it.

Your parents should not be able to dictate when you should get married. That's between you, your FH, and God.

You're parents have lived their life. It's time for you to live yours. It may be very hard but you have to do what's right for you so you do not have to live with any regrets.

I feel the same way Kimberly: that it's time to walk away. I just hate the way they're treating my FH. He stood up to my daddy...called him on the phone and tried to have a calm, adult conversation with him, but Daddy cocked an "she's MY daughter attitude" My FH wants me out of the house ASAP...he's trying to get me to come live with his parents until we're married. Now my parents are trying to turn me again my FH by turning my FH being protective over me to him being controlling and possessive over me. Fighting and trying to reason with my parents is an uphill battle. Once they get an idea in their head, it's the truth and you can't convince them of anything different.

MOVE OUT! Okay, you live with your parents, and he lives with his? What are you planning to do after the wedding? Get a place together? I say, find the place now and you can move in on your own. Then after the wedding he can move in. I'm assuming by your OP that you're not living together prior to marriage for religious reasons?

Side note… I think you should experience living on your own before committing to another person. Living by myself (even for only a year after college) was the GREATEST thing I ever did. It's the only time in your life that you can live for only yourself. You don't have to live with anyone else's habits or messes. I loved that I could watch whatever I wanted, listed to whatever music I wanted to (however loud I wanted) and have pancakes for dinner with no one to judge me or get in my way. Living alone for awhile will also help you appreciate having someone around later (post marriage).

Sinse they have a DIL I'm assuming you aren't an only child. But are you the youngest? Are you the only girl? Because both of these fit me and I had to deal with the same thing when I moved out. My mom was criticizing every little thing I was doing to whom I was dating to how I kept my house to the food I ate! It's just a power struggle. But after a few months of not speaking with her, she cooled down and realized that if she wants to remain in my life she needs to not try to tell me control my adult life. And, ya know what? She realized that she raised me well enough so I can live on my own.

Your wedding is YOUR wedding. Do what makes you happy. And if your parents want to remain in your life, they will eventually get the picture.

Good luck! <3

I would have your MOH call and tell your mom that you guys are planning a dress shopping day if she is interested in coming then the two of them can carpool together. Then if she shows she shows but at least you got her the info as to when it was happening.

Sarah: I am not an only child, nor am I the youngest, but I am the only girl. The only girl and the oldest child.

I believe it is pretty sad that your parents can't let go, you are an adult and it's your time to shine.

Move out. I hope there's a good reason you're 24 and still living at home.

Move out now. If you expect to be treated as an adult and assert yourself as an adult, you need to start acting like one.

Celia...nail on the head.

Are they paying for your wedding? If so it's time to pay your own way because if you are old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it on your own. If you can't afford it, go to the courthouse or don't get married.

But given the fact that you live at home and your "mommy and daddy" are still controlling you, perhaps you're not even ready for marriage and your parents recognize that.

Ladies that's a little harsh. I have very traditional values. I don't believe in living together before marriage. Where I come from the girls live at home until they are married then they follow their husbands and become homemakers and raise families. I am very independent. I do not rely on my parents financially. I pay all my own bills and own my own vehicle. My fiance and I are also paying for our own wedding and we chose to do so. I act very much like an adult and and my FH and I are very mature for our ages. Otherwise I wouldn't be questioning/upset about the control issue.

You should get your own small apartment until the wedding? You can always find a 3 month -6 month lease. They wont stop controlling you until you leave (I had to do this when I was 19 to even leave the house without running it by my mom and late dad)

This is from my experience. They still see you as their teenage daughter versus a grown woman. Assert yourself and all will be well

Ann what a tough situation!

It is traditional in my family for the girls to live at home until the start of her family also. Not out of dependence on our parents but just a cultural norm. I pay my all of my own bills and contribute to our household bills like a roommate would and have complete freedom as a roommate would.

You don't have much longer to wait. Could you just wait it out? Or perhaps you could seek the advice of your pastor. Or if it is too bad is there a relative that is supportive that you could move in with until the wedding?

Tyra: I'm gonna try to wait it out! The main issue I'm battling is how to deal with it. The smart, snide comments they make just hurt my feelings so bad, but my parents completely override them and continue to tell me I'm wrong and they're the real victims. It's hurtful and frustrating

Your parents are manipulating you, plain and simple. Is there anyplace nearby where you can get a short-term lease until your wedding? Or even a lease for a year, and then FH can move in with you once you're married?

If that's not possible, I'd suggest taking your FH up on his offer for you to move in with his family until the wedding. If you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, and his parents are there, I can't see how you'd be violating any of your beliefs.

S3: Violating my values was one issue I juggled with when debating on taking him up on his offer. I had thought the same as you did, but then felt like I may have been 'justifying' my reasoning. I'm really considering it though. I just feel bad moving in and living off his parents like that. When I voiced that concern to my FH he said he would support me. He is so good to me, and my parents refuse to see it. Also, funny you should mention manipulating because just a few days ago I researched manipulators and it descried my parents to a tee!