Constantly arguing

I'm not saying that I do believe he's like that all the time, but like SarahMarie said, you didn't paint him in very good light in either this post or your one back in May. I'm pretty sure none of us said that we and our FH's never fight, in fact, people have said they do argue! I'm glad you don't think his behavior is acceptable, but I will say that it sounds like you're trying to justify his actions by saying that he's nice to you most of the time. Clearly you're not taking our comments and advice as we intend you too, so I guess I'm done trying. I hope your wedding is beautiful and you have a wonderful marriage

Katie.....FFS. It's not normal to fight like that. My husband, who took a LOT of work to learn how to argue with, never once spoke to me like that. You want to marry him anyways? Go for it. And stop bothering us with YOUR dramatics if you don't want to listen to what we have to say.

Is this how he apologizes? (Sorry. Just really want to use this one.)

Yaaayyy Ninjaaa is back! But seriously though OP: Even if he is nice to you "most of the time" the fact that he puts you down and then buys your affection/forgiveness.. there are obvious concerns. If nothing else, seek counseling for the fact that he does call you names and treats you badly (calls you names, tells you that your house/bedroom life is subpar). If nothing else, I'm sure it'd be good to have him work on that.

Ninjaaa wins this thread. so perfectly articulated

You have the option to hear the real advice that most of us gave you here and ignore the drama or the pokes that you took personally. I recommend you reread - everyone started off working for your well being, that is something to feel proud and accomplished about. Not take peoples assumptions and opinions straight to your core.

I listened and agreed when people said counseling was in order. I already said that this behavior will not be accepted. I never forgave him he slept on the couch and we still have not talked. But even when I was agreeing people were making it seem as if he was a danger to me and my son so yes I felt like I needed to tell you guys he's not usually like this. I'm not trying to be rude but it's obvious some of you are and that's the last thing I need right now. We're all adults here. I know my fiance and none of you do and I know that how he acted yesterday was not something he thinks is ok and he has acted like that a few times and I know he didn't mean it because I've been so mad that I've said things I didn't mean too! He wasn't just mad that I didn't wake up it was a multitude of things and I snapped first because he called me irresponsible. I don't know what it is you guys want me to say. if it's that you want me to leave him and not get married that's not gonna happens so yes if that's what your saying your wasting your time. I'm so grateful that my family and some friends stood by my side through my addiction even though I hurt them a million times because if they didn't I wouldn't be who I am today or alive even. I get that some of you might leave your husband if he had an anger issue and you weren't willing to work with him through counseling but I do have standards and there's things that your husbands might do that I wouldn't put up with. I felt like I was being attacked on here and I font like that so yes I got defensive. If my answer of counseling is not good enough for some of you and you want to hear that I'm leaving him then move along because you won't 've hearing me say that.

Awe, i remember Katie, she didnt like our 2 am advice and her thread turned into a 200 comment thread then pretty much told us all to f - off . welcome back.

And ninja we've been through a lot of that already and came out strong so I'm not naive to real life

And spaz maybe you mis read what I posted. I never asked for advice and never acted like a "whiny immature baby" what kind of grown woman talks like that?

And I know the difference between positivism and positivity. It's called auto correct sorry my phone doesn't know the difference

If you did not want advice, then what was your aim in posting? When we see postings, we usually think the poster wants advice.

You went from saying this is the first time he's acted like this and it's not going to continue to saying he's acted like this a few times...which means that not only has it continued, but it's escalated. I'm going with everyone else and am just going to wish you luck. Having to solve someone's intense anger issues is not something I would ever put up with, because I have these things you know, they're called standards. You should get some.

Katie, I don't know you, but, based on what I have read, you need to decide for yourself what you want.

Katie, I am going to try to explain a little of our perspective, because in all sincerity this situation has touched me and I care for you about what is going on.

First, it has to be acknowledged that you have a lot invested in this relationship. I assume that your FH is the father of your baby (who is precious). In the pictures that you have shared, you look young, but I have no real context of your age, what you do for a living, what your FH does for a living, how he provides...but the reason I say all that, is that as a mother you want to do everything to provide and protect your child. I recognize and appreciate that.

Let's keep your FH out of this and just focus on you and the few interactions you have had with us on WW. The first time you introduced yourself to us was under a panic post that you were at the limit of calling off your wedding. Things settled down and you said that you were tired, stressed and had a knee-jerk reaction to the situation. But in the midst of all of that there were not very nice words directed at a group of ladies (and gents) who sincerely were trying to help you. Please lurk awhile on WW. I know that we come across as harsh/direct/rude etc. but we are the biggest rallying team for anyone who needs help - sometimes the message isn't what we want to hear, but it is exactly what is needed to be said.

Back to topic, now we are at the point of your second visible post where you are stressed to the point of reaching out to the community. We try to offer advice, life experiences, and perspectives to help you make the very best decision that you can. We provide input because we care. If we didn't, we would keep scrolling past and you would not have almost 80 responses. But, we offer sincere advice and are met with an attack from you and harsh replies.

Here is what I see. I am going to be direct, but my tone is soft and gentle. I see a mother trying to make something good out of her situation. I also see someone who is so hurt that she will reach out to strangers for comfort. When the advice that is received questions the security of her home, mama bear comes out. But there was no attack. There is a concept called displacement. A good illustration of displacement is when, lets say, your boss yells at you and you get mad and go home and kick the dog. The dog was never part of the initial issue, but bears the brunt of the consequences. We feel a little like the dog. I say that because there must be a tremendous amount of hurt that you are feeling and words are sharp and the wounds are not easily healed. Please keep in mind that some of us *cough* are older and are trying in good faith to let you know not to jump into a situation until these issues have been worked out - and with ample time between events. Not generalizing, but asking you to take a couple steps back and reevaluate what is best for you and your child through unbiased lenses.

For the record - I do believe that your FH loves you and you love him. That is not the issue. The issue is that when he gets angry he lashes out and breaks you down. The breaking you down, and belittling is what we are so very concerned about. We don't want to see you having to bear the weight of his words.

As the rest of the ladies have said, I wish you the very best moving forward. If you need anything from us, we will be here. But, please always keep in mind that we are on your side.

This is my first post here (hi ladies!). I felt compelled to say something because this really hit a chord with me. I have been there. My ex and I were married 9.5 years. Together for 12 years total. When I was in my 20's, I had very low esteem. I couldn't see the fact that he was very controlling. He never hit me, but we used to argue, and every one of our arguments were severely dysfunctional. He would criticize how I would clean the house, find the laundry, etc. He would beat me down with his words until I was barely coherent and my eyes were swollen from crying so hard. Before we were married, it wasn't terrible. I thought it was adjusting to moving in together. I think most of our arguments escalated so fast because I stood up to him, so he had to win the fight. After several hours of fighting, I would let him win. The next day, he would be so sweet to me, buy me flowers, and treat me like a queen. Throughout our marriage (with 2 kids to think about), I gradually got more confidence, and after the last fight about where we should go on family vacation, I finally said enough is enough. We decided on a mutual split. I have to say, it was the best decision I've ever made! My Fh is the most wonderful man in the world! My judgement was clouded by my ex's sweet behavior, when he wanted to be sweet. I am now in a loving, healthy, relationship. We rarely fight, and when we do, it's over in 10 minutes. No one cries, no one calls the other one names. We've been together 10 years. I'm not saying it has always been a walk in the park, but I feel I can talk to him and he really listens to me. Another plus is he helps around the house, a good 50% (maybe more, but who's keeping track :-))! This is a must if you work full-time and have a young child at home. Good luck to you, but get counselling, and keep a log of your arguments. You'll be surprised at the pattern that emerges. My ex is also in recovery. He was 3 years sober when I met him. I have been with 1 man since him, he has been with more women than I have in underwear, 1 additional failed marriage, 1 failed cohabitation, so, you see where the problem lies. These men don't change. (Whew, that was a long post! I promise to make future posts a bit shorter).

Ninjaa...damnit lady, you just keep pulling them out and posting them. That post resonated -- it resonated with me and it resonated with the other WW ladies. How can you know this stuff already? You've been married for a week, sweetie. There is nothing to be added to what you said...nothing...except that you are bound to be a wife who is respected, loved, and someone to whom your husband will run when he needs a voice of trusted wisdom. As for your future children -- it's a done deal. With your smarts and his (you wouldn't have settled for a husband who is an idiot), you're future children are good to go. Applause.

Original KD -- that is, quite possibly, the most erudite post you've authored on WW (that's not to say your other posts are lame -- they're not. I just wanted you to know that I think you hit the nail squarely on the head, and you did it in such a compassionate and articulate way). I totally agree with you on the displacement issue. Kicking the dog, indeed. That's exactly what's happening here.

Katie -- walk away and come back in a few days. Reread these posts the next time your FH calls you a fucking whatever. They will sound different. There isn't a woman who has posted here today who hasn't spent some of her personal time thinking and worrying about you. I know you can't see it yet, but one day you will.

Arguments between couples are normal, especially when stress is high as it would be now.

But what you described is not an argument; it was verbal and emotional abuse. Name calling, belittling, and verbal attacks meant to hurt (e.g. he'll regret marrying you) are abusive behavior. It is only further confirmed by rebounding with expensive and lavish gifts to apologize. It is never ok.

Danger is not always a "physical" danger. Nor is it always obvious. A counselor can help with how to properly handle anger in relationships. And never hesitate to contact a hotline if you need guidance or help.

Let me try a different tack. I think that all the ladies on here have very sound advice and are speaking out of concern not out of a thirst for drama but I think we are getting bogged down in a "you should leave him vs you guys don't know our relationship" spiral which is going nowhere. You have said many times that you already agree that counseling is in order and you're committed to making this relationship work. That's great! Making your relationship stronger and working on your relationship to keep it healthy is extremely important in marriage and starting off by trying to improve your communication is a good way to start off if you believe that your fiance is overall a supportive and loving person but perhaps with immature arguing skills. I believe every couple, no matter how amazing their communication is now, should be open to counseling at any point that it may be needed to smooth out kinks in communication in the future because life happens and sometimes we need help being our best selves and being good to those around us when things are hard.

I would simply suggest that you be extremely strategic in your search for counseling. Find a counselor who has experience specifically with helping couples argue and communicate in healthier and more effective ways. Find a counselor who can see you alone and can see you together as a couple. If possible especially find a relationship counselor who has experience working with addicts.

Counseling can be hard work, it means examining yourselves and your relationship very closely and you may not always like what you see, that is a normal part of self improvement and of therapy. What matters is committing to the effort and to being honest in counseling so that you can work together to create a safe and emotionally healthy home for yourselves and each other.

edited to fix pre-coffee grammar mistakes... hope I caught all of them