Calling off wedding.. update pg 2

If you were my sister I would tell you....Do not fucking marry this selfish asshole! Sorry for being so blunt but I did say if you were my sister! He sounds immature, obviously selfish and to top it all off, he calls you names?? NO just NO!!! You're better off alone...for now.

Please take your counselor's advice and cancel the wedding. Even if counseling is really working on your FH, it will take a lot of time for him to learn and change. He needs to grow up. You deserve to marry a responsible adult, which he is not.

@MPHGirl23 We have your back and You need to take care of yourself first, because nobody else will. Especially this guy by the sound of it. Big hugs, sorry to hear this.

So sorry you are going through this. Thanks for the update. I have been thinking about you.

Unfortunately you are the only one who can be the judge of whether to stay or go. Can people change for the better? Yes, but it takes a LOT of time and they really have to work on it. And it needs to be consistent change for the better. You sound like a very caring and wonderful person. Cancel (postpone) the wedding for now. Take care of yourself. Do what you can to help, but he's the one that needs to make the big strides in showing you he's willing to change.

I realize that you haven't shared a lot, but from what you have shared, it sounds very similar to a situation that I was in. Feel free to message me if you need someone to listen. Also am sending a hug. I just hate that you're in pain at the moment. Remember that you are important and that we care. You are not in this alone.

ETA: Of course, my gut reaction is to say leave this guy behind, you deserve someone who treats you like the wonderful person you are. The other ladies are right in that regard.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you deserve better.. Maybe by the counselor saying that it will make him open up his eyes and realize that what he has in front of him is something special and he wont be able to get anyone better than you. Me and my FH had a rocky engagement at the beginning but everything has changed for us, for the better.. Our original wedding date was planned for August 22nd turns out the stress of the wedding and moving at the time had a lot to do with it because once i canceled the wedding and we moved in to our new house everything got better for us.. As far as getting deposits back and such we didn't get our deposits back for some vendors but some vendors felt really bad so they ended up giving the deposits back I think it just depends on the vendor. I hope things get better for you and if he doesn't change his mind set then i agree with the ladies you need to cut him off.

I'm praying for you both. So sorry to hear that he doesn't make you or your relationship a priority, but it sounds like the counseling is just what you (singular you) needed. Although I can't say whether you should end the relationship, I would ask, rhetorically, even if he were to maintain his newly found attitude for a few months, would you trust that it was an actual behavior change and not just a temporary mask?

I agree with Laura Marie on her response to this.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I've had a couple long relationships before FH that were absolutely toxic. Looking back on it now, it's hard to see why I stayed so long in either of those relationships. But I do remember feeling like I had spent so much time, and that all couples have to work through/accept each others faults. In hindsight though, there is a line to all that where a relationship is just poisonous. I think what's important is that any faults you accept should not have anything to do with the way you are being treated. Being messy, impatient, indecisive, etc. These are just flaws. Having someone yell at you, call you names, lie to you, and not show you proper care are real issues that have no place in a good relationship, let alone a marriage.

I have no right or place to tell you what to do with your life, so please don't be offended. But I really do think you deserve better than this guy you've described. I know this is probably not appropriate, but do you ever imagine your ideal relationship? What you really want in a partner for life? Does this guy have even half of the qualities you desire? I just think in a great relationship that is built to last, you should be happy much more than you are. Not every day has to be great, and every one makes mistakes with their partner. But it shouldn't be constant misery. I know that once you've been in one relationship for a long time, it's hard to imagine what you'll be without that person. My guess is, though, that you will actually be able to find happiness without him.

Sorry to stick my nose in it and start spouting my opinion. You just seem really sweet, and I don't like knowing you may be keeping yourself in a bad place.

No amount of money lost is worth the self esteem and self worth lost by marrying this peckerhead. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry it seems like you're trying so hard to salvage this when he is just doing what he does. Which seems to be, at the very least, impolite.

No one should be with someone who doesn't respect them and value them. There is someone out there who will show you that respect and adoration, but they can't get to you with this guy in the way.

You know you have loads of support here, and it's NOT just from internet 'strangers'; it's from people who have been exactly where you are and have had to make the exact hard decision.

But you know what? It's like a giant sneeze; it feels so good when it's over!

I'm not going to give you advice, and I don't think you need advice from someone who can't fully relate, especially since you're taking control and evaluating your situation with a professional. But, I do want to say I am so sorry you're facing this. Hugs to you as you figure out what you need to do.

Thank you all for your support.

I just can't help but think that I am just overreacting about everything or making a bigger deal out of things than I need to be. I know that I probably sound stupid for even saying this but isn't it possible that he would really change this time? This is the first time that we have seen a couples counselor and it seems like it was a big wake up call for him.

He grew up in a household where his parents were always yelling and calling each other names so I can see why that rubbed off on him... and he really has improved a lot on this since we first started dating 5 years ago. And his parents set terrible examples for him relating to financial responsibility as well. Do I really just give up on him? The thought makes me physically ill.

FH is really a wonderful person and I feel terrible if I am making him sound like a complete jerk. He has so many beautiful qualities about him there are just some things that he obviously needs to work on--as I am sure there I things that I could work on as well. Where is the line drawn when it comes to working on things vs breaking everything off?

Sorry for my long rambles. I am just so completely lost and hurt right now.. I've never been so unsure about my future and I just don't trust myself or my judgments.

OP - I have been where you are. You are not giving up on him because you are not responsible for ensuring he is a mature, loving kind person. That was his parents responsibility and now his. You have done all you needed to do to communicate the problems which he understands and offer to work on them. He is proactively deciding that he doesn't want to do what us needed to be in a healthy relationship. Some people choose dysfunction. Please know, if you do stay, odds are he will never change this will be your life. If you are ok with this then carry on. But in my experience, people who act like your FH have shown their true colors. This is the real him.

First of all, you do NOT sound stupid. You sound hopeful. There is nothing wrong with that. And please don't think that you are overreacting. You are reacting, period. Your feelings are valid. I said the same things. And I just want to say this: you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It's not easy to be feeling so unsure. Take your time. You are doing the right thing by seeking professional help. They'll help you figure out some of what you're feeling and why. Just know no matter his past, he needs to focus on making things better in the present with you.

I can't say I will give the best advice. I've never been in the situation you are in. If YOU see a light at the end of the tunnel then go towards. FH sounds like he does need to grow up but if you see him truly changing then keep going to the sessions. I do agree with all the other on definitely cancelling the wedding for now. These are issues that need to be worked through before the knot is tied. From the bottom of my heart I hope all works out.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Ok, I am not going to touch on any of the temper or name calling stuff because I don't remember reading any past posts from you BUT, I am going to address the shit that went down this weekend... (Another list from me because, lists)

1. You had established plans to attend with one another. He LIED to you because he didn't want to SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

2. Because of his behavior the night before, he failed to keep ANOTHER promise to you.

3. He calls lying a miscommunication. Of course it is, because he not only voluntarily withheld information from you, he manipulated into a situation where you couldn't argue with him.

4. The whole 50/50 thing is weird, don't get me wrong, taking turns to cover tabs is one thing but, splitting the bill on the daily with your FH is weird.

You deserve to be treated better than that. I don't know you and I don't know FH but, he seriously doesn't want to be around you and would rather lie and go out with friends.... he is not ready for marriage. This sounds like acting out behavior.

I'm sorry MPH. But this sounds like emotional abuse.

As the child of a relationship founded in emotional abuse, I can tell you it does not get better. They continue to try to control you, yell at you, call you names, and make you feel bad. The only way to have a "healthy relationship" with them is to not give them power over you which means not having an intimate relationship with them, not living with them, hell, it's best if they're not even in the same state.

He might have redeeming qualities, but that does not overshadow the way he demeans you. He will only get "better" with a LOT of work on his part, and honestly, I don't truly believe that will ever happen because doing the work means admitting there's an actual problem. And the only time that an abuser will "admit" that they have a problem is when they think it will get something from another person (i.e. getting you to stay).

These things are cyclical.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But please know that you are NOT overreacting. The way he treats you is truly unacceptable.

How much more of your life you want to sink into this relationship is your decision, but I agree with everyone else here that you should cancel the wedding. If you are not seeing your own therapist in addition to the couple's counseling, PLEASE do that.

You asked if people can change, and the answer is that of course people can change, but that doesn't mean that they will. But you need to feel that your relationship is 100% rock steady before you think about marriage.

Good luck, and we're here for you!

@ O&S, you don't need to eff off, lol. I appreciate the feedback from you and everyone else that has commented. No need to worry about offending me or coming off as "harsh" because I am genuinely interested in everyone's opinion, as I have never experienced anything like this before and thought some outside perspectives might give me some insight.

I do want to clarify though--FH has never ever hit me. Nor do I think he ever would. He has called me names before but name calling is not an every day thing, rather something that sometimes happens during arguments. I'm not saying that makes it okay, I just don't think it would classify as abuse.

I guess part of why I feel so conflicted is because I truly believe he wants to make these changes for himself. I don't know.

@Beth.. when you list it out like that... I can see that it looks bad. But doesn't this happen with everyone's significant other sometimes? Where SO just wants to hang out with his friends or do his own thing sometimes?

Gahhh I hate even writing these things, I look so pathetic and weak. I've wanted to talk to my parents about this but I don't want to get everyone involved--hence why I came to WW.

Thank you all again... Sad as it sounds I really don't know what I'd do without being able to vent on here. I will really consider all of the feedback you have provided and I hope I can reach a solution about what to do soon.

Big hugs to you, I am so sorry. I spent 15 years standing by my ex thinking and hoping that he would eventually mature and change. He did not. Now we are divorced.

Yes, it happens that sometimes our SO's want to spend time with someone other than us. In fact, they should do that! That's not the issue here. The issue is how he went about doing it. He manipulated the hell out of you, lied to you and broke several promises. If he's willing to do that over something so casual as what he's doing with his free time, what is he willing to do with bigger issues? I would suspect, more of the same.

Have you ever looked into codependency? In no way am I saying you do or do not struggle with this, but some lights are going off in my head. May I suggest that you do some research into it? I struggle with it myself, so I'm definitely not judging.

MPH - I can't remember when you're getting married but you don't have to make a decision now. Keep going to counseling. Maybe this was his wake up call, maybe it wasn't, time will tell. If he shows you he hasn't changed, at least you can say that you tried, and then you need to move on.

MPH you are one of my favorite girls and it literally hurts my heart you are going through this. While I know that this is the internet and you can't truly know but I can tell you are a genuine person. You are not weak at all! So do not for one bit blame yourself. I have dealt with a guy that lied in the past and no matter how much counseling he still does! Your guy (he doesn't deserve the title) may or may not change. Its something you guys will have to see overtime but take marriage off the table. Don't feel like you have to get married to appease others. Fuck that! worry about yourself and put yourself first. Your counselor seems good. Hugs to you.