Calling off wedding.. update pg 2

My friend just did this this year actually...unfortunately she lost the deposits and to tell people she ended up sending out a letter explaining to all the guest who were not close to her and had heard first hand..Im so sorry that you are going through this..But if you are having these thoughts now it is better to address them before your married and committed to each other.

Called off two weddings in the past, both done by word of mouth. First we didn't have any vendors booked but I was able to return some decorations and supplies that were purchased and I was able to sell my gown for $150 less than I paid for it.

Second my venue and photographer were both willing to work with me, I moved the wedding back a full year but I ultimately canceled it. I lost out on some money but it was better than a divorce.

Hope everything is OK - positive thoughts to you

I hope thing are alright. Our venue told us that we can move the date twice free of charge as long as we do so at least 9 months in advance after that there is a fee to move. The deposit is non-refundable. I asked all our vendors about moving the date if there was a storm and they said that was no problem as long as they were available on the new date. If we chose to cancel for any reason we would lose our deposits.

When I was engaged to my ex, we ended up calling everything off. Luckily for me the only deposit we had made was for our venue, so I wasn't that upset over losing out on money. And even if we had made more deposits, it would have been better to just lose out on that money that to go through with the wedding.

But I would think if a wedding is being postponed, the venue and vendors could just use the deposits to cover for the new date.

Good luck with everything. {{HUGS}}

Thank you all for your advice/feedback/support. I really appreciate it.

We haven't reached a decision about anything yet. FH says he has no doubts that he wants to get married... but I do. We went to a couples counseling session on Monday and it was very emotional to say the least. I brought up my concerns (FH's financial irresponsibility, selfishness, his yelling/swearing/name calling, lying etc) and was sad to hear our counselors response, which I guess I already knew was coming. She said, "I really never say anything so definitively, especially after just one session, but I would seriously consider cancelling the wedding."

I have expressed my concerns with FH before and he always said "Things will get better when we move in together/get engaged/get married.." "Everything will change when x, y, z.." and I finally came to the realization that no, things won't just change and be better. If anything, they will get worse once we get married because you can't just leave a marriage like you can leave a relationship.

When explaining some of the issues that we have been having to the counselor, it felt very liberating to have my concerns/feelings validated. A stupid, silly example is from last weekend. FH and I had plans to go out to dinner with two of my friends. Last minute, he said he couldn't go because he "Didn't have the funds to pay for both of us for dinner." I almost felt insulted by this because he never pays for the both of us for dinner--we always split 50-50. Anyways, he didn't go and I went by myself to meet up with my friends. Only a few hours passed before he was out at the bar with his friend... the next day--the same thing. I found receipts on the floor from the bars he had gone to so clearly, he had the "funds" he just didn't want to spend them on hanging out with me. The whole weekend was filled with arguing about finances. He also was too hungover to go to church with me on Sunday morning, which he claimed was going to be a "priority" from now on--as he CLAIMED getting married in a church and becoming more involved in our faith was very important to him. I brought up this weekend-long dispute to our counselor and how shitty the whole weekend made me feel--and how this is commonplace in our relationship. FH finally admitted that he had the funds, he just didn't want to go to dinner with me. He wanted to see his friends and watch sports instead. So--FH regarded this as "miscommunication" and that it was a big "misunderstanding". This "miscommunication" happens ALL OF THE TIME though. It was so nice to hear the counselor respond, "This wasn't miscommunication. Miscommunication is when you say something and another person misunderstands what you are trying to say. This was just you lying about what you wanted to do."

Anyways, sorry for the rambling, it was just very cathartic to be able to express my feelings and not be labeled as a crazy, overbearing, or controlling fiancé. As for now, we have more counseling sessions scheduled.. don't really know what the outcome will be. FH has been wonderful to me since the session (to be expected) and claims that he had a revelation and is going to do everything in his power to be a better fiancé and the FH that I deserve.

I don't want to get my hopes up but I guess at this point only time will tell. Can't help but just be overwhelmingly sad and disappointed.

Thanks again for the well wishes everyone.

MPH, I don't normally weigh in on this because you can only give us so much of a story on the internet, and I always get so sad when people instantly tell girls to leave their FH/FW over something they posted, but in this case...I'm going to.

Does that mean I think that your FH can't eventually mature? No. But right now, he is taking you for granted and has other priorities in mind than spending a life with you and joining the two of you together as a family and a unit. I honestly think that this is incredibly unhealthy for BOTH of you, and it certainly is not fair to you. Maybe some being apart will help him get his ducks in a row and priorities straight, but I really only think time will tell and marriage is not the best path to fix this issue. Any promises of marriage "fixing" things won't work - these are issues that should be gone long before you become a family. You should be putting each other first, and he isn't doing that. It isn't fair to you or your future - both individually and as a couple. He is not ready for marriage.

Even though both are tough, in the end, it is much easier to cancel/delay a wedding than go through a divorce. I am so glad you guys went to see a counselor. I know that is hard, but it sounds like it also might be good for him to hear these issues are big from someone other than you. I really hope things work out. I'll be thinking of you in the meantime.

Good luck! Glad your counselor validated your fears. Be very cautious with this man (don't want to call him your FH, just in case).

I'm sorry this is happening to you Like everyone else's said, you'll probably lose your deposit but that's better than divorcing. That's what happened to my sister, she had hesistation days before the wedding but she went through with it because she didn't want to embarrased the family, and then they divorced not even a year later.. If it doesn't feel right, don't go through with it! Good luck to you!

I am so sorry you are going through this but I am glad that you are able to see that marrying him would be a huge mistake. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship overall. Have you considered taking a "break"?

I think you know in your heart and head what you need to do. Good luck

Wow this is really rough. I think your counselor gave you some really solid advice. Your FH has some growing up to do before he can handle a partnership.

I'm very glad that you saw a counselor. I would be calling off the wedding, not necessarily the relationship but definitely the wedding. I'd want FH to make changes on his own without you prompting him to show that he really understands your concerns and wants a marriage with you. You shouldn't have to wait for anything (moving in, engagement, wedding) to be treated the way you deserve to be treated. Best of luck to you!

I'm really sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. You are right, it shouldn't take a major life event/decision for him to engage in self improvement to be a better man, and it's not likely to change in the future unless something inside of him changes. It's important to listen to your head just as much (if not more so) as your heart, and it sounds like you're doing that. Good luck with everything!

You changed your avatar, I didn't realize this was you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine Please do what is best for YOU and your mental health and well being.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this, and no matter what happens, in the end... I hope that you find yourself truly happy because that's what you deserve. Good luck hun!!!!

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think that you really know what you need to do and by starting this thread, you were looking for validation from the WW community. Then, when the counselor agreed with you, you received additional input from a trained professional. As difficult as it is, I agree that the wedding should be canceled. You'll be out any deposits, but it will be worth it rather than going though issues later down the road. Continue to see the counselor and see if you can work through this though.

@MPH my heart goes out to you. I missed your original post and just want to add that my best friend recently cancelled her wedding. It was supposed to be this Saturday and she called it off about 7 week ago. Some money was lost, her fiance was beyond devastated and many people don't understand what she's doing, but she said she felt like 1000 pounds had been lifted off her shoulders and she knows she made the right decision. Her family and I have rallied around her and are supporting her 100%. I am very protective of her and of her decision. She knew deep down inside they weren't right for each other and she made a very brave, very difficult decision.

Based on your previous posts, I'm sure your loved ones would support you in the same way (not saying you're going to call it off, but if you did..) I'm glad you have seen a counselor and have had your concerns validated. I'm sorry you're in this truly shitty situation.. I wish you the best

This hurt to read.

You deserve to feel loved and like a priority. If you do not feel either way, then you will know your decision. I wish the best for you though

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but it is great that you took those steps and that you get to hear from the outside that it's not you and that you don't have crazy expectations towards your relationship.

We as girls often try to make excuses for others and it's nice to see that you are not doing that.

Yes, you might lose some money from deposits, but this is nothing compared to losing years of your life trying to fix something that can't be fixed and trying to make a marriage work because you said your vows already and they should count. A piece of paper and vows before your friends (and god) don't magically change somebody.