Bridesmaid Problem

Can you just not attend the bachelorette party? You aren’t required to, Ive been in weddings and had to work for all of the pre wedding events. If you’ve already bought the dress and everything it would be a shame to have wasted all that money and if you’re planning to still go to the wedding as a guest you’ll still have to pay for travel. I agree with you that this is a lot of time and money to put in, I do think the dress and shoes were a pretty normal price though. I would just weigh the costs you already have sunk against what you have yet to spend bc it sounds like you’ve already spent a lot!

Being a bridesmaid is expensive. I spent almost 600$ for the wedding I was in two years ago. However if you are not feeling comfortable and feel like it’s a stretch in the budget you can either speak to her about your budget and/or tell her you are unable to be in the wedding

View Quoted Comment Bride wants all tge bridesmaids to attend..another friend of mine wants to buy the dress from me since she is a bridesmaid and the bride picked the same dress. Shoes I can return. The bridal shower gift I can return. I think the financial burden is one thing, but the fact that she told me she may not be able to attend my wedding hurt more.

I agree with PP being a bridesmaid is expensive. I once spent 1000 dollars being a bridesmaid in a local wedding. Aside from the hair cost and the bachelorette, everything seems pretty standard. You don't need to give her a monetary gift for the wedding. Your attendance is enough. My MOH is flying from Florida to PA, I don't expect a gift and I don't want one. It sounds like from your comment above you have a solution to offset some of the costs. If I were you I wouldn't attend the bachelorette. As for the issue of your wedding, I can understand why you're hurt. I would consider talking to her and letting her know that it's important to you to have her by your side. Stepping down isn't going to solve your issues. It will likely exacerbate them. I hope it works out!

View Quoted Comment I understand what you are saying. The bride was upset when I td her I wanted to do my own hair. For the bachelorette, she wants everyone to attend. I'm just so financially tight. I'm only 24 and the costs are so heavy for me to handle. I didn't know that being a bridesmaid would cost so much...

View Quoted Comment Weddings cost a lot for everyone, even guests. It is shocking! I know she wants everyone to attend the bachelorette but I would explain to her what you just said. You're financially tight and you didn't realize there would be such a large investment. If she isn't understanding of this in regards to the bachelorette, that is when I would really contemplate stepping down. As far as the hair, if she wants you to have it done professionally, she should pay.

View Quoted Comment She said that the hair stylist would not just come for one person, so we all need to do our hair. But because I said I can't pay, she said that I can do my own hair but she seemed upset..saying that my hair will not look as good as others. In terms of the bachelorette, she wants me there and because there are not that many girls coming total, I think she needs me to come or else a very few number of girls would be covering costs. I don't know if it's worth it to go through with this since it seems like she is very annoyed by me already..it doesn't seem like she cares about ny situation.

I would just politely stand my ground and say no to bachelorette and hair. I also suspect, btw, that other bridesmaids feel the same way. If she objects, then I would politely resign. I do think the friendship is over either way.

View Quoted Comment I honestly felt very uncomfortable when telling her my situation because she didn't seem to care much. Everything kind of feels awkward now which is why I think that resigning may be the best way. I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same again 😢

View Quoted Comment If you step down, odds are there will be no friendship. Have you explicitly told her that you cannot afford all of the costs associated with the wedding, including travel/bachelorette?

View Quoted Comment Yes I have.I told her that it's

View Quoted Comment Well I guess if you have told her and she doesn't care, I wouldn't care about what she wants either. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. That's a real shame.

View Quoted Comment Yes. I told her that I felt alot of pressure from all the expenses and that I have to have a budget. I told her that 90 dollars is too big for me. It took alot of confidence for me to talk to her about my financial limitations, but she didnt really give me any alternatives. She just told me that I can do my own hair and that was it..

It sounds like she planned a too expensive bachelorette party if she is worried if people dont attend, then it's a bigger cost for the other people. I'm sorry you're dealing with this with what used to be a good friend. I know shes the bride but the reason you have bridesmaids is to include them in the process and she should be checking on budgets and prices before she books or plans things. She shouldnt assume everyone will be okay with it.

I would step down in a heartbeat. But buy her a nice, Miss Manners ( not wedding industry) general etiquette book for a shower or wedding gift. An older edition of Miss Manners at a used book store would be reasonably priced. It is pretty much too late to teach her some manners before her wedding. Thus, a general etiquette book that will help her start of her married life with better manners. Most wedding etiquette is really just the same principles as everyday manners. . . . For example: It is always rude to try to dictate or set up the gifts people choose to give you. That is the choice of the giver. You say she has made it known she is not accepting anything but money for wedding gifts? That is extremely rude, whether a birthday, or wedding, or anniversary, or any other occasion. Simply crass behavior. ... And parties given in your honor, people who want to give them decide first of all, what is their budget, and what the nature of the party will be. A bachelorette that is a nice dinner or an evening out, theatre or a comedy club, does not matter. If an evening out, the type bachelor party bachelorette parties imitated before this TV wedding show promoted extravaganza weekend stuff, is what friends can afford, the bride cannot dictate she wants to be given a bachelorette out of town for multiple days. Gimme, gimme, it is rude. If she does not like what others can afford or offer, she may turn it down. And like any other person not a bride, or a bride, she can be host to a party, not have one given for her. And she can pay all of the costs for everyone to attend. Like anyone who hosts a house party. She can give a 3 day stay in Lad Vegas, here is your ticket, I pick up the tab for meals because I asked you to come, I the bride am hosting my own party. But she cannot expect other people to pay more than they can afford, to give any party in her honor. She should not be planning that. And to expect 3 days of everyone's time, a bachelorette is a minor party of the wedding celebration. It should not cost bridesmaids or anyone else nearly as much as a wedding. . . The dress, shoes, a shower gift, within the giver or BM own budget. And a wedding gift, which may be something you made or store bought, or cash, which means very low cost but lots of effort, or more money, have always been gift options. She cannot demand or bully or shame people into giving cash, unless you accept she is a dictator or royalty, and you her loyal subject. For her wedding, airfare, getting to and from airports, and baggage fees and taxes - my last 4 days trip to see family marry in California was a base $473 round trip. $75 each way to and from airport, inc tolls, plus $44 baggage fees, don't forget your dress, each way, plus $40-$80 food per day while there, and half a $200 a day room for 3 nights=$385 with taxes and tips. . . And she expects BM to give her multiple days in Vegas? People so greedy they make demands for gifts do not make good friends long term. Just say NO. Sell your dress. Buy her a used etiquette book for a single gift. Friendships should be reciprocal. She is too big on demanding things, not much for giving back, and her telling you a year in advance she is planning a vacation away on your date? I do not thing she will be flying your way soon. If my 8 year old showed this kind of demanding behavior about gifts, I would time her out, and have her sit a couple of hour sessions copying out a page of rules of manners for children, and have her listen to me, dad, or one of her grandparents review every one. And cancel her party. You cannot time out an adult bride who is dictating gifts, and what she expects for parties in her honor. But you don't have to buy in to it.Say you will visit next time you are near her home, and she should give you a call when she is in your area. Friendships run their course. Sorry as one is after a long time, it is not necessary to accept the honor of spending a few thousand on her wedding.

That’s a lot of money, especially since you would have to fly out for all of these events. I would pass on the bachelorette and basically tell her that you can either attend the bachelorette or the wedding, but not both. She can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. She may request it, but you have the ability to say no.

First - I'd pass on the bachelorette. I know she wants everyone there, but it's not financially smart for you. Explain that you can't afford to keep spending money you don't have but would still love to stand with her on her day. If you aren't attending the party - you aren't obligated to spend the split money. I'd tell her you can either attend the wedding or the party, but not both.

Second - If she is requiring all the bridesmaids to use the stylist of her choice, she should be paying. At least split the cost with the bridesmaids. If she's not willing to do that, I'd just let her know that you can't afford $90 but will get your hair done before you show up to the venue (even if you do your own). My hair person is $50/each and I'm covering it as part of the pampering for my girls.

Third - You've bought her a gift for her upcoming wedding. She'll get it at the bridal shower. There's no need to gift her cash at the wedding too.

Fourth - If you just spend what's listed above ($830) that's not over the top when more than half of it is for your ticket. My girls probably spent about the same between dresses, shoes, accessories, bridal shower and they bought me a few drinks during the bachelorette party. We did low key though - just one night, not days of partying.

Fifth - I'd just suck it up and be in the wedding at this point. If you're hurt by her actions on her wedding, that's fine. Don't ask her to be one of your bridesmaids if you don't want. She'll get over it.

I would, at the very least, firmly decline attending the bachelorette party. If she says anything like you are "required" to go, I would say something like, "I have told you multiple times that I can't afford it. Unless you know how to make money appear from no where, then I cannot pay for this with money I keep telling you I don't have."

I suspect that your friendship is going to be altered for awhile, if not permanently. You are getting a long look at a side of your friend that is probably shocking and disappointing to see. People are correct when they say that being a bridesmaid can be expensive, but this bride has given you no say in how she is requiring you to spend your own money, which is simply unacceptable.

I'm not sure, with the wedding being this close, if I would drop out of the wedding. I can completely understand why you would though, because I think your feelings are more based on how your friend has been acting, not only about the dollar amount that it is costing you to deal with her.

I don't think this is too odd. It's easy to be let down when you have a different wedding approach, but some brides want a bit more control over certain things, like the dresses and etc. Better she just tell you what she wants than ask for opinions knowing she's going to shut them all down. The dress, shoes, alterations, and bridal shower...those all sound like really good, average prices, at least where I'm from. When you say yes to being a bridesmaid, the amounts there are what you should expect to be agreeing to.
As for her asking you to pay your own hair and make up, that's way out of line. It sucks that she would ask you to do that. You know your friend and her level of understanding, I would take a free saturday and do your hair up nice or curl it or whatever, send her a photo and ask if she thinks its ok. Tell her the plane ticket is a lot and you love and support her, but the hair is throwing you over the budget you planned for being a bridesmaid. If she's a good friend I can't imagine she would care that much about you doing your own hair. It takes two seconds of googling to realize how uncool that is. Her being a little resistant isn't too bad, but if she were to tell you no, I mean...why?
Don't go to that bachelorette party. You have no obligation to do so, and she should know with planning something so extravagant not all of you can pull it off. It definitely depends on what kind of circle you're in the kind of party you have and want, for some people two nights in vegas is lowkey, (like the sort of person who casually goes to Thailand, so I guess, this bride) for most of us, not so much. She deserves what she wants, but she isn't being considerate to not check with you all (BEFORE agreeing to being a bridesmaid imo she should have told you the cost, but definitely you guys should have ok'd her plans). If she wants something like this, and isn't in a circle where that's normal, she should know that she needs to heavily check with everyone that they're ok with the cost or do something smaller. Absolutely don't go. Especially for someone who isn't putting the effort in for you.
For the asking just for cash, that's odd, very taboo on her part. I don't think you have to do that. You got her a gift for the bridal shower, and you are flying in for her wedding. I would write a nice note. She probably won't even realize you didn't give her any cash. I promise you won't be the only one, some old fashioned people might be upset about the lack of registry and not give anything and feel hurt.
The first half, about the dress cost and everything, normal. Her being upset about hair and asking for cash, and planning her party without caring about the cost to you all...seems kind of like an uninformed, and a little selfish, bride. It's easy to be upset about those things if no one's ever told her how out of line that is. You know your friend. If she's just uneducated on wedding etiquette, dodge the bach party and hair and deal with the rest. She'll come around eventually and realize how rude she was, you can laugh about it later. If she's like this with everything... dodge the whole wedding, dont make her a bridesmaid, you don't need that. Anybody ok with missing your wedding when it's a year out that you're getting the date to her...no thanks.

Now I feel like a saint! LOL. Through this whole process I haven't asked for much help! But, the bridesmaids dresses I didn't pick. I had each of mine pick a couple they liked and then they tried ALL the dresses on and we ALL picked which one looked good on ALL of them. The shoes I told them what color.. But, they were lucky to get 50% off of the ones I liked. I didn't even care if they made me a party. I told them I was fine with having a girls day getting mani and pedi's for my bach party. There is nothing wrong with what she is doing but, I feel she is asking too much for something she isn't paying for. Heck, I am even helping pay for the bridal shower. I don't feel it's right to put all that expense on them just because their the bridal party. Maybe talk to her. Talking goes a long ways.