Bridal Party Advice

View Quoted Comment As I am an adult I’m sure you are aware that people move away from where they were born. You meet people at different times in your life. Like you move out of your hometown for college. You have family who lives in a different state etc etc. we don’t have control over where people live but that doesn’t make them any less important to you and wanting them to be a part of your day. As I said in my post I am very conscious of the time and money. No one was given an ultimatum “you have to show up or else”. When I chose everyone for the bridal party I created a group chat asking everyone to introduce themselves and how they know me to get over that barrier of some of them not knowing each other. (There are many that do know each other). Another reason I am trying to get everyone together before the wedding so that they have some in person contact before they are to spend an entire day together. I appreciate you giving advice on asking closed ended questions. I work in healthcare we are taught we get more information (and more accurate information) with open ended questions so that people can think and make up their own mind and not just tell you what you want to hear. When people told me they could not attend the shower I did not say you’re a terrible friend and bridesmaid. I said that’s okay as long as you’re at the wedding. I’m not asking for the moon here and I am very aware that people have their own lives

View Quoted Comment There’s nothing wrong with choosing a wedding party who live all spread out and at a distance from you and each other. There is something wrong with your expectations, especially in view of the distance. They are making the effort to be there for your wedding which is still months away. That is something to appreciate.


What you seem not to understand or accept is that any and all offers and the initiative to plan pre-wedding events need to come from others, not you, and not necessarily even the bridal party. If your grandmother offered to host, then unless your friends proactively offered to help her, then she or someone she hires is the responsible for set up, clean up etc. no one else. It was rude for you to essentially hand out assignments.
It wasn’t OK to ask for bachelorette dates and ideas, either, for the same reason. It is not only presumptuous and inappropriate, it puts pressure on people who are not offering according to your time table or at all. As mentioned, if no one plans or plans on time for it to work out for you, it simply doesn’t happen.

View Quoted Comment How am I handing out assignments but asking a question? People have free will to say no. but people should also at least acknowledge what is being asked. If asking a question is rude then people are rude every second of every day of their lives. No one was pressured a questions was asked. Since when is asking a question presumptuous and inappropriate? Giving an idea isn’t a contract saying that you are going to plan pay for and attend. You guys are just getting ridiculous at this point

I'm not even going to touch on all the arguing you've done with previous commenters. I'm solely going to tell you my experience. I was born and raised in the midwest. Lived there for 32 years. Moved to NJ with my husband three years ago. We planned our wedding to be in NJ. 4/6 of my bridesmaids lived in the midwest. 2/6 were in NJ with me. I didn't even want to have a bridal shower because I knew that my family and friends wouldn't be able to come if it was in NJ and I would never expect them to travel that far for an optional event that would require them to book flights, hotel rooms, buy gifts, rental cars, etc when they'd just have to do it again for the wedding. I also didn't want one in my home state for the same reasons but with my husbands family and my friends here, plus the added inconvenience and cost of having to ship any gifts to my home. My mother in law and 2 NJ bridesmaids ended up planning a NJ shower and my stepmom and mom planned a brunch/card shower in my hometown, so that I got that experience still. But it was never expected nor necessary on any level.

My MOH did plan a bachelorette, but it was expensive, so most of my other bridesmaids and other invitees wouldn't have been able to afford it, so we scrapped that plan. I helped my MOH book a hotel (on MY credit card) at a beach town near here, I planned most of the activities. Her and my SIL ended up communicating and planned snacks and decor and stuff like that. 2/4 bridesmaids from out of state came. I had no expectations. We live in a time where any sort of travel is expensive. Its not fair to ask people to drop THOUSANDS for your wedding. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, I'm saying that's what went through my head with all of my planning. One of my bridesmaids from out of state had to back out a couple months before, because of the cost of flights and hotel. I didn't think any less of her, I didn't "replace" her in the wedding party, and I didn't hold it against her. I understood. My sister just had a baby so I let her and her husband and baby stay in my house for free to save money so they could all come. We also let them use our second car.

For me it was less about what they could do to help me and more about how I could support them and celebrate with them. They're my girls and I would have done anything within reason to have them by my side. I did not need them to do anything for me, I didn't need them to "earn their place" as a bridesmaid, they'd already done that in the love and support they'd shown me through the years.

View Quoted Comment Let’s start from the beginning. It was totally inappropriate of you to make any (non-existent) obligations clear when “proposing.” It’s likely that your friends wanted to make you happy but they live far and it sounds as if your demands turned out to be impractical or things changed, or they just hadn’t gotten around to talking bachelorette according to your desired schedule. Again, any offers of help, initiative to plan etc. have to come from them, not you.


Asking for dates and ideas for a bachelorette party puts undue pressure on your friends. Letting them know they need to help your grandmother at a shower they are not hosting and did not offer to help with is wrong too.
Not answering your texts and messages is not all that considerate, but I have the feeling it’s because the pressure is getting to them. Take it as a warning. You should consider backing off if you want to have any friends after all of this is over.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate this comment about an ACTUAL experience and I have done everything to have these people by my side at the least amount on unconvinced for them. As I had mentioned before I am very aware of the time and money commitment and have never expected thousands of dollars. As I previously mentioned I was the one traveling for bridesmaids appointments to try on dresses so that they don’t have to. I am paying for hair and makeup because I want to treat them in that way and they don’t have to worry about all coordinating that on their own. When I was informing everyone of the shower in my individual conversations I said that I realize this might require people to travel unnecessarily so I will be having a shower but for anyone who can’t make it in person I am having a zoom meeting for people to still be involved if they wish. That includes me setting up and coordinating the video chat and mailing all the games and activities everyone in person will be doing. My suggestion for the bachelorette was for it to be in the day leading up to the wedding. I am getting married on a Sunday so the bachelorette would be Saturday during the morning/day followed by the rehearsal dinner Saturday night and the wedding Sunday. All I asked was for suggestions of what to do. Ie I know this really good place x we should go to brunch. Just ideas and input and an idea if that plan would work for anyone. I truly do not think any less of anyone in my bridal party for not being able to attend optional events but there are simple things such as picking up your dress that I don’t think it’s fair for me to worry about. Planning a wedding is stressful if you are a good enough friend/family member to be in my party then you shouldn’t take me asking a question as a slight or pressure to do something you don’t want to. I have been very accommodating for everyone’s individual situation that I don’t need to list here to defend myself but my friends and family realize who I am as a person. Thanks for the comments

View Quoted Comment I got plenty of enthusiasm and excitement from my family/friends. A lot of them offered me help. But I never expected it. I didn’t reach out to my friends asking them to contribute on ideas on how to throw myself a vacation. Your friends may have felt that was rude which is why they didn’t respond to you. Yes your bridesmaid should’ve been more on top of picking up her dress. My MOH wasn’t very prompt in her own dress shopping. But I didn’t expect anything from them. I didn’t expect help. I was happy with what was offered to me and the excitement they were able to give to me aside from their own lives because it wasn’t their wedding. I understand getting married is very exciting but asking your friends to be bridesmaids with the expectation that they would take a bunch of time out of their lives for you is very inconsiderate. Asking someone to be a bridesmaid isn’t supposed to come with stipulations. You think everyone is out to get you and being rude but you’re refusing to look at your own behavior and see where you may have gone wrong as well

View Quoted Comment Not sure what you want here, Taylor. Do you want empathy, ways to manipulate your friends, or tips on how to manage an (unpaid) team of 6? So the first disappointment in wedding planning is always the worst. Some posters write of in-laws, partners, budget. Many write about WP and their friendships. So we do empathize because it does hurt. When we say you can only control your feelings and change your expectations, we encourage you to distance yourself from other's poor organizational skills (like picking up dresses). That's optional stress. Try to refocus on your partner and your commitment. Is wedding planning lonely? Hell yes. It's also exhausting and anxiety ridden. Rely on your partner, they are the solid ones.
Everyone else can be happy for you, yet not reply to texts which is rude but is it friendship ending?. Pick your battles, Lady, you don't want to be the Bride with a frown in your pics.

Perhaps hold your bach at the nail salon the night before, before your rehearsal. This is more convenient logistically for them. They don't need to be best friends to walk down the aisle the next day. They are all there just for you. And let me tell you, I'm not even nice. I have an idea about brides w/6 bridesmaids/men. But, yah take the time to settle into your feelings and find solace with your happy place which hopefully is your future spouse. Best wishes with your marriage.

View Quoted Comment But being a bridesmaid does require a time commitment any way you look at it. They have to take time to shop for a dress get it altered spend time in hair and makeup the day of and spend a whole day with you at your wedding so I don’t understand this notion that when you ask someone to be in your wedding there are no expectations because that’s exactly what asking someone to be a bridesmaid means. Trust me if my friends thought I was being rude I would know it because despite what some of you may think I have a very open and honest relationship with everyone in my party which is why they are in my party. If you don’t have the same type of relationship with people you chose that’s not on me.

View Quoted Comment No one wants to manipulate anyone. I would never force anyone to do anything they didn’t want to do. I am being made out to be a bad guy for asking a question. And no one said they needed to be best friends but is it not awkward to meet someone one morning and then have to stand next to the all day? Smiling like you’re having the time of your life? I wanted tips on how to start a conversation but instead of people actually trying to really help (in a time where I’m clearly bothered by something but no one is allowed to be bothered on the internet) and say that is kind of frustrating have you thought of xyz? Are your friends comfortable talking in a group chat with people they don’t know? Maybe if would be better to ask individually? Maybe you could make a suggestion to have your Bach as a nail salon so you are getting something done while also getting everyone in 1 place. (I genuinely think that might be a way to approach it). I am a genuine person who cares about my friends and wants to be as accommodating as possible. I wanted genuine advice and ideas on how to do that.

View Quoted Comment There was no “need” for them to do anything. Nothing was demanded. Clearly you don’t have a relationship with your friends where you can ask them something and they don't feel a type of way about it.

View Quoted Comment It really doesn’t. The only time commitment is getting a dress and being there on wedding day. It the grand scheme of things that’s not a lot of time. That’s the only time required. Anything else is optional. A Bach trip is extra time and PTO. A bridal shower is extra time. Helping you plan is extra time.


I have a totally fine relationship with my loved ones. They all offered me way more help than I would’ve expected which I am super grateful for. A lot of it I didn’t take them up on because I felt it wasn’t on them but regardless they were all willing to jump in. But I didn’t expect that. It wasn’t a requirement for the “position.” Being a bridesmaid isn’t supposed to be like a job. If your bridal party isn’t responding to you, your relationships with them can’t be that open. You came on a public forum to complain about your wedding party and what they aren’t doing for you. Maybe you should have a direct convo with them instead of asking people who you say “don’t know you and don’t know your situation”

View Quoted Comment Easy for people on the internet to say that they expected nothing when they got everything isn’t it?

View Quoted Comment I didn’t get everything! I did it all myself. I didn’t have a bridal shower because I didn’t want one. And I didn’t have a Bach trip because it was financially out of the question for my wedding party. We just went out for the day. My husband and I did all the planning ourselves. We got some DIY help because it was offered to us. But if it wasn’t we wouldn’t have been upset because it wasn’t their job! Like I said we turned a lot of help/ things down because we felt bad taking people up on it because it wasn’t on them to take on. It’s a great thing to do for people you care about but it doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t. It was solely our responsibility because it was our wedding. It wasn’t up to anyone else to ease my wedding planning stress because they didn’t choose for me to have a wedding. I did

View Quoted Comment You’re putting words in my mouth no one was called a bad person. But everyone is missing the entire point.

View Quoted Comment I never asked for a trip anywhere. I would be perfectly happy with going out for the day. As I said before i want everyone to meet each other before the actual wedding.

View Quoted Comment Do you think I didn’t have to participate in planning a day out for myself? I did. Because people have lives not revolved around me.


No one is missing the point. You had multiple people all agree on your original post. You just don’t want to hear it. And that’s on no one but you dude. Good luck

View Quoted Comment Did I say I wasn’t going to take part in planning that day? I was asking for an IDEA but apparently that’s uncalled for as well. You guys are truly ridiculous.

View Quoted Comment Personally, no, it would not bother me to meet other bridesmaids for the first time at or just before the wedding or feel awkward to walk down an aisle, and smile in support of a friend. I’ve done exactly this a number of times, in fact.


If your bridesmaids felt strongly about meeting each other first they could arrange to get together on their own or Facetime. Don’t project your own anxieties or how you’d feel in their place. My guess is they are far more concerned with their budgets and the logistical issues of travel, time off etc.

View Quoted Comment Umm, I’d say it’s more that unless it’s an emergency I don’t impose on people to do things that are unreasonable and rude to ask in the first place. My friends and I have been there voluntarily for each other countless times.