Asking Father's Permission/Blessing?

FH visited my parents. He didn't ask for permission per say....we were already living together out of state from them anyway, but he did speak with my Dad, show him the ring and let him know his intentions. My Dad laughed, and said "it's about time!" It was more about respect for my Dad to tell him first.

@OriginalRandi - I suppose I found it unfair because you called Nicola out over what was, at best, a perceived slight. She didn't say she was disgusted - that's how you perceived it because her opinion didn't jive with yours. Nicola was just answering the question posed honestly and did not call anyone out. Some posters claimed that asking for permission marks the "true character of a man," is the respectful thing to do, and means he's putting in effort because you are a "worthy" woman. These posters are apparently saying that men who do not ask are of lesser character and are disrespectful (or that some women aren't worthy enough of such effort). I don't see how that's any better than calling the tradition antiquated and ridiculous. But, I'm not offended because that's just their opinion.

Anyways, you are right that we may just have to agree to disagree!

Ah, yes, now I understand where you're coming from. Thanks for clarifying. I did wonder if it would come across that way, which is why I made sure to also mention how much I like Nicola (which is the truth). I know that personally, I always prefer it if someone speaks directly to me when they disagree. Which is why I spoke directly to Nicola, and which is why I thank you for speaking directly to me as well.

And I do agree, as I mentioned before, that I perceive the slight through my subjective lens of reading on the internet. And I did invite Nicola to correct me if I'm taking her wrong. I do have to say that I did not perceive the slight because her opinion was different from mine, but because of her tone in voicing it. (And for the third time lol, I promise I do understand tone is tough to read on the internet and I definitely may be wrong.) There are plenty of other women who voiced her same response but in a tone that sounded more open-minded to other feelings, situations, and perspectives.

And for the record, I do agree with you as well that it's not fair to say asking the father's permission marks the true character of a man or makes him worthy of a woman. At. All. I must not have been reading very closely, because I definitely missed those comments?

I just don't think either perspective should crap on the other. That's all. (And not saying Nicola did that! Just saying what brought on my further comments.)

I'm only asking out of genuine curiosity, but the people who said no because you're not property- will you father/parents walk you down the aisle or will you walk alone?

I did not want my FH to ask for my father's permission/blessing/whatever, and he didn't. Both of our sets of parents hoped we would get married and were thrilled to find out we planned to, but we did not sit down and ask them if we could or if we had their blessing. I would also rather walk down the aisle by myself, but I haven't decided how/if to tell my parents I want to walk alone. I may not just to keep the peace. No matter how I get down the aisle, our officiant will not be asking "Who gives this woman in marriage?" or whatever the wording is. They may be touching traditions to some, but it feels icky and out of place to me.

S&P - My FH didn't ask but my dad is still walking me down the aisle. The Catholic liturgy actually calls for the bride and groom processing together, and I would prefer that, but it would break my dad's heart if I told him he wasn't going to walk me down the aisle. He cares about that and the first dance more than the whole asking for a blessing thing. So it's something I'm willing to give on for his sake. But our liturgy doesn't have anything about the "who gives this woman" line either.

@OriginalRandi - it was one comment in particular that said that the tradition was about being a worthy woman who "deserves" a man's effort and that it showed a man's true character. Anyways, I agree that neither perspective should crap on the other!

Ahhhh. Definitely missed that. Yeah, I'd have to disagree with that lol. (ETA - just to make sure I'm being clear... I'd have to agree with you, in disagreeing with that comment about man's true character and whatnot. Haha.)

Well anyway, thanks for taking the time to chat it out MayBride! Hope you have a great day!

S&P, my dad will walk me down the isle because he wants to. but we are cutting out the part of the ceremony where they ask "who gives kelly away in marriage?" / any variation of those words. I'm just going to give my dad a quick hug and he's going to sit down. The walking down the isle (if it's not followed up by the words) I see as more as him being with me and supporting me, just like my bridesmaids walking down the isle before me is being there for me and supporting me.

@VenetianBride: In my case I was open to it because I knew my parents wanted it and were going to say yes, should DH had asked anything. Kind of like guys that propose to their girlfriend while already knowing she'll say yes. DH knew I would say yes - we had discussed marriage previously - and he also knew my parents would give him their blessing.

@S&P: That's a very good question - asking someone for his daughter's hand in marriage and the officiant asking who gives the bride away in marriage sound almost like the same question or at least the same concept.

ETA: I can't type again - seems like a common occurrence now.

DH didn't ask and my dad wasn't offended. Basically DH has been a part of our family for years, and we don't live close to my parents. He would have had to ask me for my dad's number and it totally would have given everything away. I didn't care that he didn't ask.

@OriginalRandi - I only just saw this, so sorry for not replying earlier. I like you too.

However, you probably did read my tone right to a certain extent. Personally, I really, really, really hate this tradition. And so that probably comes across in the way I worded my comment.

Honestly? I think sometimes that it's the continuation of traditions like this that set 'feminism' back. (I use feminism in quotes because I'm talking in general terms and not about it as a political ideology). I don't mean this as a slight to those women who want their partners to ask - but in my personal opinion it's a horrible tradition, i can't deny that. If H had asked my dad's permission I probably would have told him where to go.

But this is me and my attitude to a lot of things. I didn't have the officiant ask 'who gives this woman', I certainly didn't have 'obey' in the vows even though I used VERY traditional Church of England wording in everything else. I did have my brother walk me down the aisle (my father passed last year) but that wasn't tradition, he was my Man of Honour, and honestly my legs were trembling so badly I wouldn't have made it without him. He walked me down as support, not as 'giving me away'. I am taking H's name as a hyphenated name officially only so that we have the same family name for when we have kids - I am maintaining my maiden name professionally. Also ask me how ridiculous I think proposals are and why only the woman wears an engagement ring, and you might get a sense of where I stand on all this. ( I didn't have a proposal, we decided together that we were going to get married, I didn't want a ring but he argued it with me and eventually I gave in because it was something that would make him happy.)

I don't mean to insult those who chose to have their partners ask permission, or do any of those things. Honestly, that's not my intent. But - I also won't say that I don't wish this tradition would die a death - because I do.

As @MayBride said - I don't have to find this tradition sweet and romantic - because nothing about it seems that way to me. Others are more than entitled to think it is, to want their partners to do it and so on, but I stand by my opinion.

The day that a woman goes to her BF's parents and asks them to give her permission to marry their son I'll consider changing my stance. But at the moment this is something that is so unequal that I do find it antiquated and ridiculous. Again, by all means sit down with both sets of parents together, as a partnership, and ask them for their support going forward.

I don't want anyone to take offense - I don't mean to cause offense - but I also am just being honest about my opinion on this matter. I'm not judging those who do enjoy/embrace these things. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and thoughts on these issues. But just as there are those who a vocally and adamantly opposed to dollar dances and similar traditions, I feel the same way about this.

So I think it will be a case of agree to disagree.

I said up front it was a requirement. I just wanted my stepdad, dad is a jerk and hasn't been in my life, to know he was man enough to ask and would be brave enough to ask his blessing. Plus, it meant the world to me that he respected myself and my parents to do that for me.

Nicola, just saw your response. Thank you for that. I completely understand and respect your viewpoint. Thanks for taking the time to present such a thoughtful reply.

Like many others have said, my FH asked out of respect and for a blessing/head's up thing. Definitely not permission! It's not like anyone would've said, "No," nor would my dad have lectured him, lol! I thought it was sweet that he did it, especially since the proposal was a complete surprise. My whole family knew before me!

No he didn't ask. Even though I am incredibly close to my parents, and FH is close to them, it was a personal decision between the two of us to get married and no one else needed to be involved in that. Also, I know that they are supportive of our relationship and would have said yes anyway (or more accurately, would have looked puzzled and asked FH why we need their permission).

@OriginalRandi - you're welcome. I honestly don't like to cause offense - so I will always try to clarify my viewpoint if I can. I think this is just something I feel very strongly about, so I tend to be quite blunt with my opinions.

I guess I just get frustrated when people talk about how it shows respect or that they value your worth - particularly because to me it's actually the opposite. It shows respect to approach both families after the decision to marry is made to ask for their support of the marriage and the years to come, but I think it's the fact that's very one sided. If it's a sign of respect then why aren't women going to the parents of the man to ask for their blessing/permission before saying yes?

Anyway, I could 'rant' about this all day so apologies.

My FH asked permission from my parents. He wanted them to know that they could trust him and count on him to take care of their baby girl. It was very important to have their permission and blessing. They have such a close relationship!

@VenetianBride,

My father was very aware I intended to marry FH before he talked to him. It wouldn't be the first time I didn't listen to my parents as an adult, and it wouldn't be the last. Bwahahaha.