Any advice for a childless bride to becoming an instant stepmom?

Discuss beforehand philosophies of child rearing, expectations (both as parents and from the child) and disicipline styles and how you both want to deal with certain situations and what not. You don't want to wait until a situation occurs, act on it and then you two disagree. Make sure you both always remain on the same page so that the child can't play one end against the middle or use the other parent as leverage. Be suer to communicate expectations to the child. Communication Communication Communication between the parents and between parent and child is always the key.

Just make sure to include him as much as possible and although you dont have any biological children, treat him as if he were yours!

being a great parent doesnt mean that they have to be birthed by you!

Good luck!!

Been there, done that. Because my stepchildren were only 10 years younger than me, I didn't try to be a "Mom", just acted like a big sister or aunt. Was an intermediary between them and their parents.

I did/do get along fine with them. Called the boys the boomerang kids because they kept coming back to live with us when they were in their mid to late twenties. Both have been out of our nest for quite a while now and we see them several times a year.

But, 14 is a difficult age (for him and everyone around him, LOL). Keep your patience and let him come to you.

Well said Rowena!

My DH is 14 years old than me, so it was like he was childless when he moved in. At the time, my daughters were 16 and 8 and saw the ex 2 X a month. He never over stepped his bounds. He has never tried to be my daughters' father, however, he has always been their friend. By friend, I don't mean buddy buddy on their level, just not their father. He moved the relationship at their pace, if that makes any sense.

Fast forward....my ex remarried 2 years ago to a woman he knew for half a year. My 17 year old hates her because she tries to be her mother. She wants hugs, etc. My daughter says she just does not know her place and has to interfere or be a part of things she and her father do, or wants to be a part of things when she and her father are spending quality time together.

The fact that you asked shows you will do your best!

Nancy...."Let him come to you" is the perfect advice and what I was trying to say works for DH and why it doesn't work with my daughter's step mom.

You're right. I will do my best. We already get along very well, and he's polite and nice to me and vice versa. Some teenagers have an attitude with their parent's significant other right away, but he hasn't.

One thing that was recommended that I will definitely do is talk to my fiance on what his expectations are for me as a stepmom.

We've already talked about how the finances will be handled when we get married; we just need to discuss his son more in detail.

Thanks for the advice!

I'm a stepmother to 3 boys, one still a minor child. Here is what I have learned along the way:

~ Do NOT try to become "mom." The child has a mother, and you are not that person.

~ Any discipline is to be handled by the child's father.

~ You are entitled to respect in your own home. Make certain FH backs you on this and will not tolerate disrespect by his son towards you. (Whether he actually sees it or not)

~ Make absolutely certain you AND your FH are clear on what is expected of your SS in the way of chores/contributions around the home, schoolwork, and behavior. AND what will happen if those standards are not upheld. You two MUST agree and be on the same page.

~ If you now observe how FH acts or disciplines his son and you do not agree, or would do something different, do NOT expect this to change. Most importantly, do NOT expect you will have ANY input after you are married. What you see now, is what you will get later.

con't

Hi Cheryl! I have no children of my own (yet) but am excited to be a stepmother to FH's 13 year old daughter. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of what is at hand already, so that is good! Know that you will never be "mom" and don't try to be. Just be you and find a suitable role that works for you in his life. Don't try too hard and leave the disciplining to FH as that is his role, not yours. You'll be ok :-)

~ Allow your SS to develop whatever relationship he feels comfortable with, with you. Do not push for a relationship. Do not be hurt if you experience rejection once you are married, or your SS's feelings toward you change once that ring is on your finger. This is VERY common. A lot of stepkid's feelings change after the wedding, and it can be very hurtful.

~ Probably not so much for stepfathers, but definitely for stepmothers: you will need to grow a very, very thick skin. Things will be said - maybe even by both your SS and your FH - that can be very hurtful and may even reduce you to tears.

You are marrying your FH within a year of knowing him. Being there are stepkids involved, this is something I would really caution you about. Stepkids put a whole different dimension on a relationship. I would strongly recommend counseling for all 3 before the wedding so any concerns can be addressed.

Great points Michele! All this is such good stuff. I should add that my fiance is still doing some adjusting too. His son chose to live with him when he turned 13 and moved in with him last summer, so my fiance hasn't even had him a year yet fulltime. It's a lot of change for the son and now with the wedding, I just want to be sure I'm doing everything right.

One concern I have shared with my fiance is our alone time and what it may look like when we're married. Of course now, we don't have that much alone time. Most of the time it's the 3 of us.

I've started seeing a therapist so I can better prepare myself with this adjustment. My fiance and I have to go through a six week premarital counseling session so I'm sure the subject of his son will come up there as well.

From someone who has watched my girls having to adjust both to DH and a step mom, I can tell you from a female child's point of view, Michele and Raie you are spot on.

@Carole - Thanks!

@Cheryl - Pre-marital counseling is good, but that will most likely be between you and FH and how you two will deal with a variety of issues. What I strongly suggest is counseling specifically addressing the family unit and invovling your SS. My SS will be turning 13 in May, and at his age, it can be almost impossible to get him to really say what he is thinking. Fact is, we are often left looking for clues and having to piece things together and reading between the lines. Teens/pre-teens just aren't that communicative all the time. So, your future SS might have thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and doubts he may or may not be expressing. Your future SS has had a great deal of turmoil in his life in the past year, and even more to come with a new stepmom. And pre-teen/teen boys are not always mature. He may need help processing all of this, and a therapist can only help all of you.

On the other end of the spectrum, I was the teenage step child to a child-less step mom. Teenage years may be rough. Do NOT take it personally. My dad and step mom used to say that "hormonal teens should be sent to an island and allowed to return when they grow out of it" lol. My step mom loves me and I love her. I dont remember being a pain in the ass but I was and it had nothing to do with her. Patience and love got her through it.

@Michele- You're right on the premarital counseling thing. I'm going to have my fiance join me in some of my therapy sessions, so I think I'll suggest to him that his son join us too at some.

@Mrs. Clark- I'm a real sensitive person and very emotional, so I will have to learn to not take things personally. I also will need to work on my patience. This I know. On the other hand, I'm a very loving person, so I'll have no trouble there.

First, I think it's great that you want to try and be a good parent, but there is no such thing as being an "instant stepmom." My mom has been through a few marraiges and so has my dad, so I've been through a few step parents myself and I can tell you what does and doesn't work. First, you are actually going to need to develop a respectable relationship with the boy's mother (if you haven't already and assuming she has custody or joint custody). Definitely discuss with both your FH and his ex how they want their son raised. Second, take a few parenting classes, a lot of places offer them low cost or even free. Third, I would sit down one day just you and the son and talk. Tell him that you have no intention of trying to be his mother or replace her, but you want to have a good relationship with him. Tell him that as long as he is honest and respectful towards you, you will do the same for him. Good luck!

I kind of come at this from a different angle. FH & I have been together since high school. When he was 17, both his parents got remarried and it was really difficult for him.

Little things that his parents didnt realize were what bothered him.

Like his mom would say "Well, we're your parents!" Referring to her and his new stepdad. And he would be like "HE'S Not!" and then that just set up things for a fight.

His mom never really disciplined him, they just kinda lived as roommates, but when Stepdad moved in, he started disciplining FH and it did not go over well.

But FH always told him mom he was fine with their marriage, everything was great, even though it obviously wasnt.

So even though they may say they are okay with things, remember their is an adjustment period to everything.

FH is 22 now, and him and his stepdad are just now starting to get along, and FH hasnt lived with his mom in almost 3 years! lol