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Beginner August 2018

About to cancel over reception food. One unexpected expense after another...

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Dwindling, on February 21, 2018 at 2:15 PM

Let me just say we've managed to pull together every other detail of this wedding on almost zero budget but the food is going to be what kills it. Neither of us has any desire what so ever to do a lame cake and punch reception as we have a summer night adults only wedding planned. I've hardly spent anything on my dresses, less than $100 for both my wedding and reception dress together. My flowers are being done by my grandmother. My mom and I are doing centerpieces. My aunt, mom, FH, FFIL and myself are decorating the venue with borrowed lights from family and venue is free. I got all linens second hand and will be reselling all after they are cleaned. Photography services are being gifted. Videography is being gifted by another. Photo booth is being gifted by my daughter. Ceremony is being performed by my oldest son. Middle son and daughter is preforming live music at reception and FH nephew is DJ. We have to rent tables, chairs, dance floor, bathroom trailer, pay for open bar or signature cocktail. Guest list is over 200 that's close family and friends. We were going to do a BBQ style menu which for our people and our lifestyle completely appropriate. My compromise to not shut down is for us to provide brisket, country style pork ribs and chicken and to include and insert that says something along the lines of .... You know that family, friends and food are the greatest! Please join us in the continued celebration of our love following our ceremony for a pot luck reception. We'll provide the meat and drinks! You surprise us with your best sides and pies! ( It not a contest but as always there will be games, karaoke and prizes!) *Your company and sweet smile is the only gift necessary*
I know more than half of you are going to rip me a new one with how tacky it is but why should a couple go into debt to get married when they've already been through hell and back? That whole wait until your circumstances are better thing?! This is better. 5 years ago my house was ripped away. The year after that I was nearly killed in a car accident and it took years to recover. The next year my mother had a heart attack leaving me to care for my disabled sister. I'm waiting my life away. Just when I think I'm a few months away I get TBONED by an uninsured driver and there goes part of my wedding budget. I'm tired of waiting for the right moment.

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103 Comments

Devoted March 2018
Marie · on February 21, 2018 at 7:31 PM
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You know what, this is a forum with opinions so take it with a grain of salt or in some cases a teaspoon of salt. Anyway, you do not need an endorsement to do what you want on your day. Go for it and be happy!
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Expert September 2018
Nicole · on February 21, 2018 at 7:45 PM
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If you made me pay for and bring a side dish to your wedding, and you came out at the reception in a DIFFERENT FRICKIN DRESS, I would probably dump potato salad down your front and never talk to you again.
Be a proper host, don't be a beggar of people's time and energy. They are not there to finance the wedding you don't think you deserve to pay for, they are there theoretically to celebrate your love.
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Devoted March 2018
Marie · on February 21, 2018 at 8:15 PM
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Oh how I agree with you!
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Super December 2018
Alyssa · on February 21, 2018 at 8:29 PM
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I really hate that everyone tears each othef apart. We are all excited for our day and would be just as devastated if something threatened that! I think that if you are this close and all of these people know your background talk to them. Get their thoughts because let's face it, theirs matter much more than a bunch of brides who don't know you.
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Expert June 2018
Megan · on February 21, 2018 at 8:32 PM
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Sorry. I just can’t with these shenanigans.
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on February 21, 2018 at 8:37 PM
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I agree so much!
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on February 21, 2018 at 8:44 PM
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I just want to point out no question was ever asked.
The right to marry the adult of your choosing is a basic human right.
The right to the traditional evening dinner-style reception is not a basic right; it is a luxury, hence the price.
If you cannot afford a luxury experience (such as a wedding), do you push the cost onto your nearest and dearest? I do not. I wait until I can afford it or go with the basic option (courthouse wedding).
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Expert March 2018
Heather · on February 21, 2018 at 8:50 PM
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Hi.. First im sorry for what you have gone thru. Our journey to marriage has not been easy either both my fh parents passed away in the same yr 4 mnths apart. Then fh gets ill spends 45 days in hospital. Then i get horrible news spinal cord surgery. .three months in a c collar.. Then i collapse at work loose job. Then fh looses job.. So its not been easy but we pulled thru and wanted to proceed with our wedding we set a budget of 4k no more.. So the planning etc started well boss closes business no job no unemployment so wedding is off. We were going to court house and would be ok with it. We told family they were sad and so we decided to wait again. Well we are now 29 days away from our day but huge cuts were made so we could make sure we did it on our own. .and we did full day with everything we wanted including 125 guests close family and friends . good things do happen if your willing to wait. Please Dont ask your guests to celebrate with you by bringing food to share. Find a menue you can afford and thank them the appropriate way.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on February 21, 2018 at 9:15 PM
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Mrs BdeG! I've missed you.... WW desperately needs your citations and thoughtful posts.... So glad to see you again!
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Dedicated March 2018
Shay · on February 21, 2018 at 9:23 PM
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Well thank God you are making it through. And congratulations on your wedding but sweetie this is just too much. 200 people is a lot of people and though it sounds like everything is coming along a pot luck for that many people is not going to work. Cut the list and then enjoy all your close and dearest friends and family. If you cant properly host that many people the don't do try to. Only do what you can afford. There are many options that will work. You can maybe do a picnic style. With lots of sandwhiches and fruits and veggies and keep your reception early enough so no one is expecting a full meal. Look into Sam's and Costcos for sides like potato salad, baked beans etc. Even if you can cut the list this woukd probably be your best option and a few cocktails if it's permitted. It's extremely hard to host that many people doing it on your own. Do you think you could cut the list? Maybe down to 50.
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Expert June 2018
Megan · on February 21, 2018 at 9:40 PM
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Agree! Where have you been?!?!
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Devoted June 2018
Ashton · on February 21, 2018 at 10:05 PM
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I'm sorry for all you have been through. You are lucky to have so many people in your life that care for you.

I am am also very lucky to have amazing people in my life who have helped me greatly, been there for me, loved me when I wasn't very lovable, great friends, great relationships UNFORTUNATELY you cannot invite everyone. It is tough to make cuts and decide where to draw the line but you have to. I wish I could have 300 guests at my wedding but it's just not doable. Our venue literally only holds 150. Will some people be upset that they weren't invited? Possibly. Will they live? Uh hell to the yeah I think they will make it through. We literally had to leave family off the list. That's the sacrifice you make to ensure the guests you DO Invite are hosted properly.
Cut your guest list, limit meat options to a couple, take the money you saved from having one less meat option and get sides. I'm sorry, but I would not eat a potluck dinner from people I didn't know. You just don't know the conditions in which the food was prepared. Also, what about guests who are traveling? Do they to to make sure their hotel room has a kitchenette?

Nobody is meaning to sound harsh or hurt your feelings. People just want to give you honest feedback because we want YOU, your FH and your GUESTS to have a great day. You've been through a lot, you deserve it. Just please take into consider everyone's advice. There is some good stuff on here. Good luck again.
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Devoted December 2018
FutureMrs.A · on February 21, 2018 at 10:46 PM
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If you really want to get married now, do something small at the courthouse and then do a beautiful vow renewal party that you want when things are better! With this much going on, it can be hard to even get excited about wedding details. It’s definitely not worth going into debt, and not worth the stress of coordinating a ton of family to do everything (at least in my opinion.) Also, my sister and mom work at the courthouse and said weddings there can still be beautiful and a ton of fun! The women tend to still wear pretty white dresses and one evening, there was a small jazz band in the lobby for after someone’s marriage. Maybe pick out a historic courthouse in your area that has its own beauty and maximize on that. Just a thought! And I hope things get better. I just wish our society didn’t make it seem like we have to have huge weddings to be happy. I hope you have a beautiful marriage too!
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Super May 2018
Nikki · on February 21, 2018 at 11:46 PM
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I don’t know if it just got missed amongst the back and forth between you and some users, OP, but there was some legitimate advice early on about eliminating one of your meat options to pay for the sides.

My base dinner package is $30/pp plus an additional $10/per person per entree option. I only have 75 guests because it’s all my budget allows...but if I had to do it, I would only offer one entree option in order to allocate that $750++ towards the side dishes. It isn’t ideal, and of course I’m sure we’d all love the 4 course sit down with butler passed hors d’ouerves. But there’s just a lot of logistical & health/sanitation issues with the potluck style.

There’s a lot of wiggle room between that sit down 4 course & a pot luck. If you’re really stuck on a 200 person guest list, then I would really take a look at the areas you do have that may be negotiable. If that third meat option is $5/person, that’s $1,000 that will easily pay for some salad, baked beans, and mashed potatoes.
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on February 22, 2018 at 12:35 AM
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Awww! It's great to be back !!
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on February 22, 2018 at 12:37 AM
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Lol I had a rough few month. Husband got an unexpected job offer (fantastic opportunity), I chose to refocus my career, I got hit with the crazy flu, and I accidentially amputated the tip of my thumb (I'm like *super* good in the kitchen). Happy to be back to dole out wedding advice!
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Savvy May 2018
Christy · on February 22, 2018 at 6:26 AM
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My late husband and I had a simple family and close friends wedding. We we're all about FAMILY and FUN and getting together. It was a giant pot luck picnik on the beach. The sun melted the roses on the cakes, my future sister in law was allergic to her corsage I had finished the night before. And the tide came in during our vows. But we had a blast!!! AND on a budget.
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Expert July 2017
SaraBear · on February 22, 2018 at 6:29 AM
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This is so dramatic. I’m sorry for what you went through but I have little sympathy if you think your struggles entitle you to the world. Everyone goes through struggles, everyone will experience tragedy. There are people out here who would read your post and think, “wow she’s so lucky she survived all that.” Some people leave for work in the morning and they never come home. Some people are right now sitting in a hospital praying they make it out and some of them won’t. Some future brides and grooms right now are sitting in a hospital room praying they make it out to get married. Some of them won’t. Some little girls who play wedding with their friends will never have their own. Some moms will never be able to fasten their daughters wedding dress. I once read a story about a bride who was killed on the way to her wedding.

You are strong enough to have survived all that you have. And you are lucky. Many will never be given the same privilege you have.

I’m not trying to mitigate anything you’ve been through but you need to put it in perspective. You are not owed nor so do you deserve a luxury wedding because of your past. No one is. You need to stop thinking about how unfair life is and how you are owed all these things to make up for you past. You need to start thinking about how lucky you are to be alive and what you are going to do to make a difference with your second chance.

Etiquette aside, the logistics of 100 different couples bringing side dishes is an absolute nightmare.

For your wedding -
A) you’re literally spending no money. Host a full meal. Agree with whoever said if I attended a potluck wedding and the bride came out in multiple dresses, our friendship would effectively end.
B) host a light appetizer and drinks reception at a non meal time
C) elope with just your future husband and then no one can get mad at you for not inviting them. Spend time with your friends and family individually to celebrate. Suggest a potluck with your siblings only and not for 200 people
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Devoted April 2018
Tiffany · on February 27, 2018 at 7:14 PM
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I agree that it is dangerous and if someone gets sick they can sue for hospital bills. It has happen before. Cut your guest list and provide the sides.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 20, 2018 at 1:06 AM
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I'm sorry that you've been through so much! That sounds difficult. My first recommendation would be not to come to WW for approval on something that's not normal/proper wedding etiquette because people tend to get up in arms about things like that on here. I also wouldn't recommend getting defensive when you receive the response that you were already expecting.
My biggest recommendation would be to find budget for at least two simple sides that you could make in bulk for cheap. Maybe instead of having two meat options, cut down to two and use that gap in your budget for sides. You can make pans of baked beans, potato salad, mac and cheese, etc. for fairly cheap, probably cheaper than you would spend for ribs or brisket.
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