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Liz
Savvy October 2021

Who pays?

Liz, on April 11, 2020 at 1:41 AM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 68

My FH and I have been having the discussion about how we will pay for our wedding. We want to keep it simple and fairly cheap. I am a teacher and he is a support manager at Walmart. We don’t make a ton of money. His mom made a comment to him that it’s traditionally the brides father who pays. A bit...
My FH and I have been having the discussion about how we will pay for our wedding. We want to keep it simple and fairly cheap. I am a teacher and he is a support manager at Walmart. We don’t make a ton of money. His mom made a comment to him that it’s traditionally the brides father who pays. A bit of background on both our family’s, they are not rich by any means. Both middle class family that get by. I was a little off out with her comment. I for one didn’t really want to do the whole wedding thing. I lost my mom a few years back and thinking of planning a wedding without her breaks my heart. So I am all for a quick trip to Vegas and be done with it. He wants a big wedding and reception. He is all about going 50/50 from both of us but his mom is not. Has anyone else had this issue? Any ideas on how I can possibly handle this tactfully?

68 Comments

  • Holly
    Dedicated October 2020
    Holly ·
    • Flag
    Paying for your own wedding is the way to go. Give yourself enough time to save and keep to a budget. Buy decorations a little at a time. Oriental trading has wonderful decorations. We are simplifying things as much as possible. For instance, for the rehearsal dinner we're having pizza and wings at my mom's house.
    • Reply
  • Steph
    Beginner February 2021
    Steph ·
    • Flag

    This is not the 1800s your dad is not paying for him to "buy" you. Very old fashioned of her, I'm upset she even said that comment. She should have not said a thing....

    My fiance and I are doing 50/50 we have the same background as you. He's a teacher and I'm an admin, my mom is worse off than me and this is his 2nd wedding so his family hasn't really offered much. So we just said 'forget it' and are paying ourselves with no one elses input needed that way.

    • Reply
  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
    • Flag

    A smaller wedding and bigger reception solves nothing. It's the reception that costs the bulk of the money because that's where the food and drink are.

    Most of the suggestions above are about details. You keep the cost of the wedding/reception down by keeping the guest list down, since you pay for the food and drink per person. And you keep the price of the food and drink down by not having the reception at a meal time. Forty people for cake and punch at three in the afternoon is tens of thousands of dollars cheaper than 150 people for dinner and dancing at seven at night.

    Another serious savings is not having a wedding party, which (among other things) means no rehearsal and no rehearsal dinner.

    And no one needs a five thousand dollar dress....

    You and your fiancé pay for your wedding. Politely ignore your future mother-in-law; it's not 1945 anymore.

    However, I don't think you should be paying thousands of dollars for a big wedding he wants and you don't. Working out a reasonable compromise is good practice for being married. (Hint: 200 people is not a compromise.)

    • Reply
  • M
    Just Said Yes May 2020
    Marina ·
    • Flag

    I'm originally from Russia, so when I heard of this tradition I was pretty surprised. My family has no money, so there's no way they can pay for the whole wedding or even half. I have been saving up for something big for about two years now, so I can pay for the whole wedding myself right now. But my FH and I decided to pay for everything as we're able to, in the end the money we have will become OUR money, so whoever pays right now isn't a huge deal. We are trying to stay way under our budget so that we can have some money left over in savings so we can eventually save up for a house downpayment. I hope your mother in law can understand your circumstances and adjust her expectations. Good luck and congrats!

    • Reply
  • Jordan
    Beginner September 2020
    Jordan ·
    • Flag

    My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. Everything is so expensive, so I know it's difficult. He is working a second job so we can have the day we want. Don't worry about his mom, do what is right for you!

    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated August 2021
    Charlotte ·
    • Flag

    My fiancé and I asked each of our set of parents IF they'd like to contribute before we decided what we wanted to do. We are very blessed and both his and my parents would like to contribute. To the point that there are very few things we have to pay for ourselves. Both our sets of parents made it very clear that if we spent more than they were giving, that is was our responsibility to pay for things. We've been very lucky that they just want to see us happy and aren't trying to dictate everything.

    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Actually it comes from times when girls didn't have incomes because they didn't have jobs or much education. In those days women were much younger when married mostly because lifespans were much less than they are. The thinking was that once a girl started menstruating (and therefore could become pregnant) they were of marriageable age. Females went from their parents' home directly to their husband's (or his family's) home. While it seems wrong, weird, too young, etc by today's standards, that was reality then and for practical reasons.

    • Reply
  • Camber Talley
    Just Said Yes November 2020
    Camber Talley ·
    • Flag
    I would say if you and him are comfortable going 50/50 then leave it at that. I lost my mom too so I feel you. It’s hard but you’ll make it through this! It’s ultimately up to you and your fiancé about costs. You are about to share everything anyways including finances.
    • Reply

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