What is the best way to ask this of a vendor?

First of all, let me say that it sucks that this is something to have to consider. Some people... Anyway, if your FW also has an obviously female name, like Anna, then just introduce yourselves at the beginning of your email: "Dear So and So, I'm planning a wedding. My fiancee, Whatever-her-name-is and I are interested in hiring you. Can you send info?" Simple as that. Or request a meeting or whatever. They know, and if they don't respond, then you know. There's no need to out and out ask, IMO.

Her name is Megan, so I guess the obviously-female thing applies.

There are some resources in wedding magazines about LGBT friendly vendors. Even though my FH and I are hetrosex it was important to us to use vendors that respected marriage regardless of if it is two women, two men or a man and a woman marrying.

Hello Anna- as someone that is also dealing with this I can tell you know what we are doing. Whenever I talk to a venue, caterer, etc I say myself and my fiancé Alexandra. That way they know we are both women. We have had one bad experience but mostly people have been cool. I recommend saying it within the first few sentences to get it out there. Don't waste yours or their time if they would prefer to not work with you. Also, it is illegal for them to refuse service(in the US). I'm more looking to see their attitude. They may have to but they might not want to and if they don't would prefer to not work with us, I wouldn't want them as a part of my wedding.

I have emailed and called places. My approach is the same both ways. If you are nervous/uncomfortable about bringing it up, I'd suggest emails to start.

Hope this helps!

ETA-autocorrect is a witch

There's a website that's a WeddingWire affiliate that most vendors who are okay and embrace same-sex couples are a part of. It is called GayWeddings.com and I and quite a few other vendors have listings on there. Maybe you could look there for some vendors. Either way, just be up front about it, the worst thing they can do is say no, and if they do then they aren't worth your time anyway. It's 2015, if they can't be tolerant then forget about them.

It sucks that any couple should have to even think about this, but of course you want vendors who will not only work with you, but embrace you and be excited to help you celebrate. Look at your potential vendors websites, and see if they have inclusive wording and photos of couples like you. (I have to tell you that while we've advertised on every major same sex wedding site , most of our non-traditional couples don't come from those sites. They find vendors they love; that's the priority.)

Most of the inquiries I get say, in the first contact, "My name is Sally and my finacee Mary and I are planning our wedding for X date". Some of those couples find me from other vendors, some have been at weddings I've officiated, some come from venues that recommend us.

Good luck and happy planning!

Hi Anna, some of us will state outright on our websites that we embrace same-sex weddings. But I agree with Zoe; just introduce yourself and write in the name of your fiancee. They'll figure it out.

Not all of us wedding vendors advertise all over the place, so we may not be listed on same-sex wedding websites.

It's a shame that you even have to go through this; but keep looking until you find someone delighted and honored to share your wedding day!

Best wishes!

I agree that it really sucks that this has to even be a consideration. I've noticed that different vendors will put pictures from weddings they've done (depending on what services they offer) and they'll use that as a way to show they are open to all marriages. For example, my venue has two photo albums that are from same-sex weddings and many of the photographer & DJ websites I looked through also had pictures from same-sex weddings.

FWIW, wedding vendors are much more likely than the general public to be open to same-sex weddings. Cynically, it's in their financial interest. But I suspect also that their excitement over weddings generally carries over. See, for example, this survey from GayWeddings.com:

http://gayweddings.com/wedding-professionals-speak-90-willing-serve-sex-couples/

When we were planning our wedding, back in 2009 when it wasn't even legal in our state, we had zero vendors who refused to work with us, and only one that I suspected was uncomfortable with us. And the ones that were fine with it included the Orthodox Jewish woman who made the kippot (yarmulkes, those little skullcaps that Jewish men wear) for our wedding.

The funniest story along those lines was the time we went dress shopping in a little town in backwoods Virginia. We had called ahead and explained that there were two brides, and each needed a dress. The owner of the shop took down the information about our sizes, and said she would pull some dresses for us to look at. When we arrived, she asked each of us our wedding date, and then exclaimed, "Gee, how unusual for two such good friends to be getting married on the same day!" So of course I'm thinking, oh, hell, how do I explain this more clearly? But once I did, she actually became wildly enthusiastic about the idea of figuring out how to find coordinating dresses for two women of quite different sizes and body shapes.

Anyway, as others have said, if you e-mail and say, "My fiancee Megan and I...", vendors can just ignore your e-mail if they have an issue with it. But you don't need to limit yourself to vendors who specifically say they are gay friendly. The vast majority are.

It just pisses me off that this is even a consideration people have to make. I was raised with the attitude that so long as a person is decent and kind nothing else should matter. I just can't image the awesome people that you could miss out on if you judged based on things like this that don't even affect you. I agree with the above that you can easily make it clear without making it a huge issue and that eliminates your worry that you might come off as difficult. No matter who the couple is or what their situation, everyone involved should be thrilled to be a part of your day and want to make it as special as possible.

I think mentioning your fiancee's name right off the bat is the way to go -- especially if she has a typically female name.

I got an e-mail from Pat whose fiance's name is Kelly. I assumed Pat is a Patricia since Kelly was a fiance (with 1 e). So, Pat & I exchanged several e-mails -- the first with me extending "Best Wishes." Then I got a phone call from Pat -- who is Patrick! Booked them, married them, got a nice review from them!

I hear you sister! I'm in the same boat! So far I've just been stating both our names from the beginning and for photography etc I've actually asked if they have any experience or examples of same sex weddings. Best of luck!

As a vendor, I have had this come up a few times; both with two female names, and with "we are a same-sex couple". I think either one is fine.

When contacting vendors online it's a great idea to introduce yourself and mention your fiancée by name especially if the contact form doesn't have a place for their name.

It's a shame that you even need to think about this.

If you want to be more on the Safe Side, you can also add at the end of your inquiry, "Just so you know we're a same sex couple." My opinion of people who oppose same sex marriage is Very Low, and I wouldn't put it past them to not connect the dots that both people involved have female names.

Congratulations, by the way! I hope your day is full of people who love and support you!

It is actually not illegal in all 50 states to refuse service and I appreciate your respect for those businesses that respectfully decline to provide services due to their moral or religious beliefs. That being said, when my friend was planning his wedding he simply called the venders, asked to speak to managers and was very honest. He stated that first he wanted to let them know that he and his fiancé are a same sex couple and that they completely respect the decision to refuse service for religious or moral beliefs. He then asked if the business was interested in meeting with them. While he did have business congratulate him on his upcoming wedding, many said it was not something they were comfortable with providing services for. In one day he was able to knock out the ones that weren't worth his time and set up appointments for those who were interested in providing services. He had a lovely wedding!

I agree with Celia that you should not even have to worry about it, but we are making progress. The first same sex wedding I did in 2012, the couple asked me over the phone ( they lived in Boston and I'm in Nashville) and they both seemed so nice, both by email and over the phone if I was comfortable with a gay wedding or if they could help me in the transition. I told them my web guy and good friend was gay, and I hated the thought of anyone I care about being treated differently or denied the rights they deserve....so fuck yes, I was more than ok with it and was honored they chose me. I think that was a non invasive approach. For those vendors who still have not tapped into the LGBT market, or do not know how to go about it, approaching it in such a manner I think is good, that way it shows you respect their process too. I would not only hire a provider who is ok with providing service to you, but one who is passionate about it. Congratulations and I hope you experience the very best.

So I guess what I'm saying, if they didn't ask me that, I'd still have moved forward without a second thought, but some other vendors who would get in board but need experience or a little help with their transition, a gentle transitional question like that, or what inspires them to serve the LGBT community would help them and help you know if you have the right one. Not all have done one, but if their heart is in the right place, and they have talent, that's what matters.