Wedding Planning Blues

I'm a bit confused why you are posting reminders to RSVP if your wedding isn't even until Oct. 20th? Your invitations should not even go out until mid-August and RSVPs should not be expected until at least the beginning of October. If end of October is your wedding date, then yes, you are being annoying by reminding people to RSVP as they should not have even received invitations yet.

View Quoted Comment You can be confused, that’s fine. Everyone does things differently. I just wish you would have considered some grace when you wrote your message.

View Quoted Comment And sending invites out in the middle of August would be inconsiderate. Most people are traveling to come to my wedding as it is not in my home town. I need to give them time to try and find flights? You may not understand my process, but I definitely don’t understand yours. It’s inconsiderate to your guests.

View Quoted Comment Actually, what the previous poster said is correct. Wedding invitations go out 6 to 8 weeks prior to your event. If you are having a destination wedding, this is sometimes extended to 10 weeks. Save the dates are sent to alert your guests of your event date prior to that. STDs are usually sent anywhere from 6-12 months out in order to give your guests plenty of time to arrange their schedules, book flights/hotels, etc.

View Quoted Comment Every wedding planning site gives you something different on when to send out save the dates and invites. I don’t think there’s any “correct” way to do it. Just what you as the bride and groom want to do. Thank you for not being so aggressive like the last poster, but I just don’t agree with either of you, respectfully.


I guess I was hoping for a little love on this site and didn’t expect the hate.

View Quoted Comment There’s definitely not a lack of love, and certainly no hate from me (nor do I think there was any from the previous poster). WW is an etiquette forum, so people will answer your questions keeping common wedding etiquette in mind. When you are asking for advice for why you feel as though you are being annoying to your guests by sending reminders to RSVP 75 days out, and why you are feeling sad others aren’t that excited for your wedding, the people on an etiquette forum are going to explain to you why that may be. In this instance, you are likely feeling rude Because your guests are not responding to you prodding them to RSVP. The reason they are not responding is likely because you sent invitations too early, and it is not even close to the RSVP deadline. Etiquette states that you wait until the RSVP deadline has passed, THEN you contact any guest that has not yet RSVP’ed. You don’t contact them or push them to RSVP prior to the deadline passing. As far as
People not being as excited as you are…. Unfortunately, that is a harsh reality most of us brides have experienced during the planning process. No one is ever going to be as excited about your event as you are. That’s just normal. However, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t happy and excited for you. It just means they have things that are more important than their own lives. I have noticed that oftentimes people tend to start getting excited in the 1-3 weeks leading up to the wedding. So you may see a surge of excitement closer to your wedding date! Bottom line: I would stop urging your guests to RSVP, and try to remind yourself that just because they are not outwardly excited at this point, it doesn’t mean they aren’t happy for you or that they won’t be excited closer to your big day. And if you want to discuss wedding things, share your wedding plans, or just talk to others who are excited about weddings, you can always share wedding details here on WW! It’s a great outlet to get advice and share in excitement without putting any expectations on your guests.
Congrats on your engagement, and I hope you enjoy the last 75 days of planning!

View Quoted Comment I appreciate your advice, I do. However, the last person was rude despite what you may think; “You are being annoying”.
I understand there’s “wedding etiquette” but don’t you think some of that’s kind of out the door? People are doing what they want now a days and not following everyone else, which I like. Sending out invitations for an out of state wedding 6-8 weeks in advance isn’t enough time in this day and age. Flights are expensive and people have to save to get out here. I will not be posting anything else on this site as I don’t feel the support, but thanks for the referral. And at this point, I’ll take your advice and not reach out to anyone, even after the RSVP date, because y’all have made me feel like I actually am the most annoying person on the planet.

View Quoted Comment I am very sorry you feel that way. I will assure you, I am not trying to be preachy, or judge-y in any way. It’s common for people to not know every etiquette rule about wedding planning. That’s why people here try to help them understand. I 100% agree weddings are much different these days than in decades past. Couples are definitely more free to make the event more “them”, and less a standard cookie-cutter event. My fiancé and I are extremely nontraditional, and our wedding looks absolutely nothing like a traditional wedding. However, there are certain rules that still remain in place because they are courteous to your guests. Invitation timelines are one of those few rules that still need to be abided by. You are correct, letting your guests who must travel know your date 6-8 weeks prior likely wouldn’t be enough time. That is why couples need to send out save the dates 6+ months in advance to give them plenty of time to plan. Most guests are familiar with this timeline, which may be confusing them. That’s not to chastise you. What’s done is done at this point. We are just trying to explain to you why guests may be responding the way they are. I know it’s easy to get defensive when someone points out an etiquette faux pas, but please know it’s coming from a place of being helpful (from me, at least). I think waiting until after the deadline to contact guests is a perfect plan. Definitely do contact them if they do not RSVP though- you will need an accurate headcount!

View Quoted Comment I appreciate your kindness and for giving me information.

The other risk of pushing your guests to RSVP this early, especially if the deadline hasn’t passed yet, is that some people might need to change their answer closer to the wedding anyway. For example, you might have a friend who wants to come, but if she can’t request time off work for the travel until a month out, then she would later have to change her “yes” to a “no.” This happens anyway even with the usual timeline, but the earlier out it is, the more that could happen. So some of your guests might be waiting until closer to the deadline when they know for sure whether they can make it. It’s great that you’ve provided your guests with the information, though, so that those who can and want to plan ahead can do so. As others have said, this is usually done with a save the date and passing along the link to your wedding website.

I would not expect to receive RSVP’s until closer to the wedding. RSVP’s are typically due a couple weeks before the event for catering purposes. While guests are likely looking into possible travel arrangements, it is still too early for people to know their work schedules, request time off, etc. The only ones who would know for sure at this point in time would be immediate family members and wedding party. We tend to be anxious about who is able to come and want to know immediately, but I wouldn’t ask anyone or remind them until much closer to the RSVP deadline. If you haven’t gotten a response by the deadline, then reach out individually.

View Quoted Comment There’s so many different things that go into why I post to my close friends list (people who are invited). Many haven’t gotten their invitations in the mail as USPS have sent them back to me. Idk who has received their invite and who hasn’t at this point because of things beyond my control. I think I’ve reminded them enough at this point. Also, I need my numbers 4 weeks in advance. Everyone’s situation is different.

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I think you have a new caterer because an experienced one knows the hard dates to order food, and would also be flexible around guest emergencies (which always happen). Perhaps you should share your woes and anxieties to someone you trust who has already had a wedding. Or rely on your partner as you're in it together.

View Quoted Comment Forgive me for thinking I’d get some support on a page all about wedding planning. My caterer has been apart of plenty of weddings, thank you.

I actually completely agree with sending out the invitations already. I'm in a similar situation with guest coming from out of state and they definitely need time to prepare for the wedding. This includes taking time off of work, making travel arrangements, and making arrangements for where they are staying when they get here. I would maybe not expect to get as many RSVPs though until around September. Honestly if I didn't have all the RSVPs in by a few days in October I would consider them a no show. I know everyone does their planning different but I agree with the OP on this one.

View Quoted Comment I totally understand and agree with you. There’s not any rule or correct way to do it. You do what you think it’s best since you’re the one who knows your guests best. I had to start early, too, because my people are very impatient and travel a lot, so I had to let already them know with plenty of time.
Unfortunately people on here aren’t too supportive nut I wish you find support in other topics.
I’ll go with someone more experienced like your vendors or even a planner you can ask advise for free. I wish you all the luck and remember always to do what you dreamed of!

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your kind response!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much!!

View Quoted Comment You know, the people who have pointed out issues to you have all had their own weddings, successfully and kept their friends, minds, and money in tact. But, you can keep reinventing the wheel and only listen to Brides still in the process of planning if you want. To answer your question, yes many couples/planners feel lonely/ anxious/ disappointed/ betrayed/ impoverished/ nervous during wedding planning. Some crack at 30-60 days before. Look to your partner for support.