The set up is important. My dad has never been super close with his brother/my uncle (we'll call him S). His wife (M) and he have a daughter (C), who is a high school freshman. I'm not close with any of them, because a few years ago, M got into it with my dad and S's father. M and C haven't come to any family events or acknowledged the rest of us for years. S would show up like once or twice a year to drop by and say hi, or would call my dad on occasion to talk about what was going on in his life (but never my dad's). For at least the last 5 years, I haven't seen my aunt or cousin, and maybe saw my uncle twice. It goes back further but I wasn't keeping count then.
Fast forward to 2020. My dad dies in May 2020. S comes to see my dad before he passes, and makes a big deal that family is important to him. I hear from my grandparents that M and my grandfather have decided to move past whatever feud they had going on. We're all going to be one big happy family now.
Jump to August 2020, my brother's wedding. S and M show up, and bring C. They've never met my SO, so I introduce him. S says hi and asks where he lives, and that is the end of the conversation. Awkward, but fine. M is sitting with her back to us - she looks over her shoulder at us, says "hi", and then goes back to her conversation with another cousin. C is shy but at least makes eye contact and says hello. I shuffle through a conversation with her and I'm understanding of her situation (young, doesn't know these people, probably feels weird). Come to find out later that S and M didn't bring a gift or a card to my brother (I know that isn't the point, but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth that after years of ignoring us, you show up for a free meal and that's it). M has the balls to hug my mother and say that she loves her.
Father's birthday in October, nothing. Thanksgiving, nothing. Christmas, nothing. My parents' anniversary, nothing. Dad's anniversary of passing, NOTHING. Easter, M is sick so no one comes.
S and M have done absolutely nothing to back up that family is now important. I want nothing to do with them, and think that they are garbage people (there's more to why they're unpleasant people but this isn't reddit and this post is long enough).
The conundrum: I don't want to isolate my cousin. She has done nothing wrong to me, and I don't want to shut a relationship down before it's started (and maybe one won't come). I've weighed my options, done pros and cons, extrapolated how this will affect me and the rest of my family. I'm still torn. The way I see it, I have four options: 1. Don't invite any of them and piss people off; 2. Invite all of them and be pissed that S and M are there; 3. Give invitation to S and C, omitting M and pissing people off; and 4. Only invite C and piss people off.
What would you do in a situation like this? Would you suck it up, or stand your ground? I don't want to invite people that I won't be happy to see on my wedding day. I will not be happy to see them. I would be happy to see C. I know if I asked my grandparents, they would give her a ride, and even if she can't come, the gesture is important to me.